Reading a previous post that helped me greatly

[Ahoy]

So I read an earlier post from last September that had a comment on it that proved very helpful to me last night, it has lessened my ruminations slightly and this has even carried through to today.

The comment was something like, my BPDex had a deep need (for completeness) I filled that need for a while, then when I no longer filled that need she sought it from someone else.

It's very cold, but it's also the truth. It also reinforced the fact that, to a lesser extent, I had a need that she filled too, and the loss of that is probably a big part of my hurt.

Now the positive from this is, when I think about her and her actions, I liken it to a business arrangement, like I was on a board and suddenly I got replaced by a new member and the CEO simply said "Sorry, that's business for you" It wasn't emotional, it just happened AND truthfully, it was ALWAYS going to happen (at some point).

Don't get me wrong, my mood hasn't improved, I'm still at an emotional flatline, however at least now I'm detaching my hurt from her actions and simply accepting this was her business and I'm no longer a board-member.

At least security didn't have to escort me off the premises and I got time to collect things from my desk

[Teereese]

"The comment was something like, my BPDex had a deep need (for completeness) I filled that need for a while, then when I no longer filled that need she sought it from someone else."

Yes. Stbxh needs someone else to "complete" him as well. He needs someone who possesses all of the morals, values and traits he lacks. He then devalues them.

So on and so on and scooby dooby dooby

[once removed]

it is very cold, but its a very balanced view that you are describing, Ahoy, that we (our exes and us as individuals) filled a need within each other. it makes for a very loaded bond, and it does amplify the hurt of the loss. the lesson for me is that no one completes me but me, a belief i could have sworn i held before i entered the relationship.

at some point i began to look at my relationship as a series of interactions (often dysfunctional). very cold and clinical and not a way id seen my relationships in the past; certainly not a view id have been receptive to in the immediate aftermath either.

a milestone in acceptance and your detaching process, imo 

[Ahoy]

it is very cold, but its a very balanced view that you are describing, Ahoy, that we (our exes and us as individuals) filled a need within each other. it makes for a very loaded bond, and it does amplify the hurt of the loss. the lesson for me is that no one completes me but me, a belief i could have sworn i held before i entered the relationship.

at some point i began to look at my relationship as a series of interactions (often dysfunctional). very cold and clinical and not a way id seen my relationships in the past; certainly not a view id have been receptive to in the immediate aftermath either.

a milestone in acceptance and your detaching process, imo 

I think the thing that I am now struggling the most with now is that I am having great trouble working out how to love myself. I'm hoping that once the hurt and grief from my relationship ending wears off, I will remember what that feels like.

I think I will probably find out that even though I was happy enough before this r/s (4 years compared to my previous longest of 6 months) is that perhaps I never really learned to love myself, leading to this mess.

That scares me a lot, I'm an optimistic, happy, dorky guy with a decent amount of charisma. I don't know, like I said, it's early days yet but I certainly want to get to this place of inner happiness so I can attract the right kind of partner.

Thanks again for the words of wisdom guys.

[WoundedBibi]

I think the thing that I am now struggling the most with now is that I am having great trouble working out how to love myself.

Very recognisable. And if I'm being really honest, apart from some fleeting moments, I guess I never loved myself. Maybe that's the need my ex and I filled for eachother (because I too know that's what he and I did): we couldn't love ourselves so we needed eachother to do it for us.

But how on earth do you fix that?

[Ahoy]

I think the thing that I am now struggling the most with now is that I am having great trouble working out how to love myself.

Very recognisable. And if I'm being really honest, apart from some fleeting moments, I guess I never loved myself. Maybe that's the need my ex and I filled for eachother (because I too know that's what he and I did): we couldn't love ourselves so we needed eachother to do it for us.

But how on earth do you fix that?

Exactly! I've just started therapy so this will be my focus. Everyone here seems to be a genuine, caring and loving person. I think a lot of us have insecurities that we are all trying to overcome.

From what I have read on here, loving yourself comes from having a purpose and direction, accepting your flaws and weaknesses but also realising that they don't stop you from being a unique and interesting person. I think it's having the confidence to accept you aren't perfect but enjoy that, for the most part, you are a good person at heart.

For me I think the loneliness I feel is getting in the way of things. I seriously would be so happy just to have someone to spoon with tonight, to feel that warmth and closeness and love is what makes me happiest. That's my codependece and I need to find that warmth and love in me first before I'm ready to date again.