Callous nonBPD

[Dimmy]

So after hesitating for more than a year, I have finally decided to call it quits with my bf. I am now absolutely certain that he has BPD and have decided that I do not want to wait for a decade or two before the disorder subsides with age. In the last six months I tried to slowly distance and sever the ties, but he charmed me back through guilt, shaming, etc. Last time was a couple of months ago when he said that he can't live without me and threatened to jump out of the window. I did not believe he would do that but I still went back.

Now about three weeks ago I was going through some serious trouble at work and my grandfather died and he still wanted all my attention 24/7 as usual. I couldn't provide that, he would sulk, become distant etc. And I decided I had had enough. I canceled the weekend plans. He went into a long tirade about how I did not care about him, did not love him and did not appreciate all that he was doing for me. I did not have the energy to argue anymore and since then we went no contact. Immediately next day he was looking for "serious relationships" on dating apps with a fake picture and I thought we were finally over (to be honest with a sigh of relief).

But then two days ago he turned up near the office building where I work, started calling me and sending texts. Apparently he did not go to work that day but spent the whole day outside my office. He called me multiple times and asked many things, including whether we were done, to which I replied "yes". The texts did not stop after my response. Today he apparently (according to what he wrote on FB) had to go to the hospital for some reason and the doc put him on sick leave and said he had to stay in bed (no diagnosis shared). After all the stalking, I unfriended and blocked him everywhere except on FB which has always been our main means of communication. I know I need to but now I feel guilty for not asking what happened to him and why he had to go to the hospital. I suspect it is all a sort of manipulation to get my attention or maybe to get me to come to his home to check up on him. Part of my wants to ignore it all but I feel super callous and cruel for wanting to do this. At the same time I imagine him there helpless, in bed, all in tears... .

I felt quite well during the two weeks of NC. I started to eat healthy, quit drinking, lost some of the stress weight I gained, depression lifted a little, I started to enjoy things I used to love again like music... .And then comes this violent wave of stalking and sickness and the progress I've made seems to be all gone... .

Should I ignore? Should I go completely NC? I feel sort of numb and emotionless. This whole situation would make me run to him six months ago but now I seem to hardly care at all... .

[WoundedBibi]

Not an easy decision to make to call it quits Dimmy. Even with all the stuff you had to deal with in the relationship. As you are experiencing both the relationship with a pwBPD and the aftermath are a rollercoaster.

But seeing you did and felt better when you had no contact, so didn't have him in your life, I think calling it quits was a good decision for you.

By the way, there are signs that BPD might become less around 40. There are no guarantees though; I know people where this has not happened.

Now, let's have a look at your current situation:

- FB is still open as a possible channel of communication

- he has been stalking you around work and per phone

- he has called in sick at work and has implied something is up

- you feel guilty you have not run to his aid

- you don't really want to be with him

> if you feel you want or need to go NC that is up to you. Most here if they go NC use it as a tool to detach; detaching without going NC is harder.

> he is trying to keep you attached to him by stalking, but it is also a form of exercising control over you. Sometimes it does help the pwBPD to go NC to make the message clear and consistent that it is over.

> anything could be up. But if it was just a case of the flue he could put that on FB. Unless he's being secretive on purpose, to manipulate you in running to his aid. I'm guessing that he might be doing that, but he could have called in sick because he broke down after the breakup.

> you are not responsible for him. A mature adult can either take care of themselves or ask for help in an adult way without manipulating. He wants you to come running, you don't. You feel guilty if you choose what you want, as if that makes you a cruel person. You're not cruel. If you don't take care if you, who will? Are you then supposed to sacrifice yourself for him (or someone else) for the rest of your life and never do anything YOU want? You are not his saviour. Nothing you say or do will make his BPD better. Being his saviour is not the reason you were put on this earth. Being with him is obviously not good for you as you have found out. Be your own saviour.

The numbness is because your emotions have been overloaded for a long time. It will take time, away from drama, for the numbness to disappear.

Personally, I know what I think you should do in your situation. But it needs to be your decision. Examine your guilt, is it realistic?, examine your life with him and without him, and look at and try to FEEL what would make YOU happy. 

[Dimmy]

Thank you very much for the hugs and for advice, WoundedBibi!

I know there are no guarantees and he's still 25 so there is no chance I am going to wait for 15 years to prove a theory... .

I actually was amazed how relieved and good I felt when we went NC... .I won't forget that feeling of the FOG going away and my life coming back to me. It was like waking up and it did feel good. I wish every nonBPD on this board who has suffered for so long got a chance to experience that feeling. It was amazing.

But then they come back after you... .as if they felt that you were about to break free.

[WoundedBibi]

I actually was amazed how relieved and good I felt when we went NC... .I won't forget that feeling of the FOG going away and my life coming back to me. It was like waking up and it did feel good. I wish every nonBPD on this board who has suffered for so long got a chance to experience that feeling. It was amazing.

Well... I guess you have your answer then...

But then they come back after you... .as if they felt that you were about to break free.

You're not the first here to say it is as if they can feel you slipping away...

[whispy90]

Thank you very much for the hugs and for advice, WoundedBibi!

I know there are no guarantees and he's still 25 so there is no chance I am going to wait for 15 years to prove a theory... .

I actually was amazed how relieved and good I felt when we went NC... .I won't forget that feeling of the FOG going away and my life coming back to me. It was like waking up and it did feel good. I wish every nonBPD on this board who has suffered for so long got a chance to experience that feeling. It was amazing.

But then they come back after you... .as if they felt that you were about to break free.

Sorry to say, but even time does not heal this disorder.  My ex is 39 years old and he is actually getting worse than he used to be when he was in his 20's. Much worse.

[Teereese]

Thank you very much for the hugs and for advice, WoundedBibi!

I know there are no guarantees and he's still 25 so there is no chance I am going to wait for 15 years to prove a theory... .

But then they come back after you... .as if they felt that you were about to break free.

Sorry to say, but even time does not heal this disorder.  My ex is 39 years old and he is actually getting worse than he used to be when he was in his 20's. Much worse.

Wispy90, this was my experience, as well.

[blackbirdsong]

Thank you very much for the hugs and for advice, WoundedBibi!

I know there are no guarantees and he's still 25 so there is no chance I am going to wait for 15 years to prove a theory... .

I actually was amazed how relieved and good I felt when we went NC... .I won't forget that feeling of the FOG going away and my life coming back to me. It was like waking up and it did feel good. I wish every nonBPD on this board who has suffered for so long got a chance to experience that feeling. It was amazing.

But then they come back after you... .as if they felt that you were about to break free.

Sorry to say, but even time does not heal this disorder.  My ex is 39 years old and he is actually getting worse than he used to be when he was in his 20's. Much worse.

is he in therapy? if not, that is definitely a reason why.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Dimmy,

What a challenging situation. I can very much understand your feelings of guilt and also relief at the prospect of not being in contact with your bf. I'm sure I'd feel exactly the same way, especially as he is now in the hospital. In my opinion though, you are not being callous at all.

If you can, take a step back from the situation and focus entirely on yourself. I know this is hard, especially after being in a relationship with most likely slippery boundaries and lots of attention on your partner (please correct me if I'm making assumptions), but do try to remember your deepest values around how you want to treat other people and how you want them to treat you.

You know that your bf has been cared for by a medical professional (I'm not clear if he still in the hospital or at home now?). You imagine that maybe he's feeling helpless, crying, sad, but he hasn't said that, has he? It sounds like he may be very stressed out and need rest (but we don't know). So, do YOU need, in order to honor your values, to reach out and support him while he is recovering from whatever has put him into bed rest? It sounds like your gut tells you no, and if that is the case, I would honor that. Saying no to him in this case is saying yes to yourself.

If you are not sure what to do, I say: do nothing. Let your emotions calm down first. Give yourself the time you need. You can always contact him later, when you feel centered again, if your gut tells you it's the right thing for YOU. Your bf will be okay. And so will you.

Hang in there. We're here for you.