Contact with BPD ex has hurt my feelings again

[CloseToFreedom]

This topic is once again a reminder why No Contact is for YOU, not to annoy your ex BPD-partner. I would like to discuss the stuff that happened to me, but if you don't care to reply, at least use this information as a warning as to why it never is a good idea to get back in touch with the ex.

Small history: Five years on and off relationship with female undiagnosed ex 7 years younger than me, with the last of those five years us living together. Broke up numerous times until december 2014 we split up forever and she moved out. One month later she had a replacement, half year later they bought a house, and since a week or two they actually live in that house. In the year and a half that we have split up she has contacted me numerous times. In the summer of last year a few times without much to say, then I found out she actually hacked in my social media accounts (by remembering my passwords) to still keep tabs on me and also to make my social media accounts follow her accounts (crazy, right?). Then it was pretty much nothing for some months, and by january this year she was emailing me to let me know that she understood that a lot of problems in the relationship were because of her problems, that she had worked on so that she's in a better frame of mind. I cut that contact off, telling her I wasn't interested in being friends with an ex. Keep in mind this all happened while she was with my replacement.

On to the present. Last week, right before I was going on a holiday for half a week (very coïncidental to contact me right before I'm going to do something fun... .), I received an email from her again. When I cut contact earlier this year I said I thought it was nothing less than vile that she was contacting me, telling me she was missing the old times together, while she was with a new boyfriend. Unfair for him and unfair for me. I called her out, called it manipulation, and I wanted to have nothing to do with it. So this new email I received last week said that she couldn't stop thinking about those words:

"I'm still bothered by that one night that you called me a manipulator and that I used you when you are drunk. I have to admid this still hurts me and. And it bothers me that you still think about me like that. If you would talk to me in real life you wouldn't recognise me anymore. Because I have put a lot of time in myself. And I don't know why I want to tell you this, I just know this urge is still there."

I made the mistake of thinking the following: well, she's the sick one, I'm a normal person, so lets just try to answer normally and to make her feel good so that this can end on a friendly basis. So I mailed that I was just drunk when I told her that previous time and that I'm sure she's a good person and that I hope for her to be happy, etcetera. Simple stuff to just make one feel good. I ended it with that I hoped she wasn't offended. The end.

Of course it wasn't the end. She kept emailing and I kept replying. Stuff like that she missed talking to me and that she misses a lot of things about us. In just a few short e-mails I got sucked in. See, when you start to think back about the good times you had with your ex (because there WERE good times - it wasnt all bad), you start the dangerous path of nostalgia. It didn't took long before we were whatsapping back and forth during my trip last week, telling each other what we were doing and sometimes admitting that we missed certain things. All the while she was JUST living together with her replacement.

When I got back from my trip yesterday and I started thinking about what stayed the most with me from the trip. It wasn't the great location, the fun I had with people that were with me or whatever, it was the short conversations I had with the ex. So I called her out again through app, asked her what she wanted to achieve with these conversations. Of course, she suddenly was innocent, she wasn't trying to do anything, there wasn't a word left about 'missing me' or anything. Just small talk, just friendly banter, nothing else. If I thought there was more than that, it was just because I 'was seeing things too complicated'.

Of course, I felt played and I stopped the contact, asked her (again, kindly) to never contact me again because it can slow down or even reverse the progress I make in my own life / leaving the hurtful pas behind. She agreed and that's that. Of course, until the next time I hear from her again.


The result: It left me puzzled again, makes me think about her more than she deserves (she of course doesn't deserve any thought at all), and, looking back, actually gave me some hope that she would get back to me. While I'm nowhere near the wreckage I was in the first months after the break up and Im still very much happy with myself and the progress I've made, it still feels like I've taken a good few steps back and I have to recover some days from this new contact. It made me miss her, it made me miss the good times we had and it gave me a small trinklet of hope that I could capture that good feeling again by getting back together and starting this whole macabre dance again.

No contact isn't to hurt our exes or something, it really is to make sure we don't HURT OURSELVES anymore. While I'm still guessing about the motives of her (did she really miss me at that time? or was she playing games just because she was bored?), it doesn't really matter as it had an obvious destructive effect on me. Now I have to lick my wounds for the upcoming days until I feel like my old self.

Sorry for the long text, I had to get it off my chest and I hope some of you can get something out of this.

[duncsvoice]

Hey Closetofreedom (your name typifies how I feel to be honest).

My situation sounds quite similar, and I'm not looking for answers, and it's quite reassuring to know someone out there is experiencing the same feelings as me, so thank you for your post.

My ex and I broke up about 2.5 months ago, the break up for me was nothing short of hellish, but recently I broke through and just felt happy with myself. Happier than any time than when we were together. She came up to collect some things, and because I wasn't desperately happy to see her (I was ambivalent about it) she started with the abuse - I looked fat (I've lost about a stone), she's in love with her new boyfriend (who she met a day after telling me she still loved me). A lot of things, I just met her with a "so what".

She came up yesterday to collect the last of her things, and I felt ok around her, wasn't really bothered so I agreed to help her cart around her belongings (I needed them gone as I'm leaving our flat this Friday). During the day, I realised I wasn't ready to see her, and I don't think she was ready to see me. She kept giving me very long, very affectionate hugs, complimenting me in aspects that I was better than her new boyfriend, talking to me in her little cute voice. It wore me down, and eventually my barrier I had built up came crashing down and now I'm left wondering how I let it happen. I've realised I missed her. I think I still love her.

My rational head knows that these feelings will happen, and it doesn't change anything - I don't want her back, or to see her again, I'm just angry at her and myself for forcing these feelings to come back.

[CloseToFreedom]

Hey Closetofreedom (your name typifies how I feel to be honest).

My situation sounds quite similar, and I'm not looking for answers, and it's quite reassuring to know someone out there is experiencing the same feelings as me, so thank you for your post.

My ex and I broke up about 2.5 months ago, the break up for me was nothing short of hellish, but recently I broke through and just felt happy with myself. Happier than any time than when we were together. She came up to collect some things, and because I wasn't desperately happy to see her (I was ambivalent about it) she started with the abuse - I looked fat (I've lost about a stone), she's in love with her new boyfriend (who she met a day after telling me she still loved me). A lot of things, I just met her with a "so what".

She came up yesterday to collect the last of her things, and I felt ok around her, wasn't really bothered so I agreed to help her cart around her belongings (I needed them gone as I'm leaving our flat this Friday). During the day, I realised I wasn't ready to see her, and I don't think she was ready to see me. She kept giving me very long, very affectionate hugs, complimenting me in aspects that I was better than her new boyfriend, talking to me in her little cute voice. It wore me down, and eventually my barrier I had built up came crashing down and now I'm left wondering how I let it happen. I've realised I missed her. I think I still love her.

My rational head knows that these feelings will happen, and it doesn't change anything - I don't want her back, or to see her again, I'm just angry at her and myself for forcing these feelings to come back.

While this hasn't happened to me in exactly this way, this is very recognisable. No,  you def. aren't the only one. Ive been out for almost 1,5 year and I still get these digital drive by's. And each time there is a small part in me that hopes for another chance, another go at it, at her. Of course, that chance won't come, and even if it would, it would end just as badly if not worse. It's this drive in us that wants to fix what we couldn't fix during the relationship, to have one more go and make it work instead of the usual (and expected) outcome. It's only human. But also destructive for our well being.

[CloseToFreedom]

Small update, contact kept going on so I blocked and threw away the number. On to better days :/

[zeus123]

of course she was manipulating you, and you fall for it. you should  maintain strict NO CONTACT. BPD try to contact you after the relationship ends only for: validation, triangulation, manipulation, to keep you around for some favors, etc. your needs did not matter during the relationship and they do not matter now for her.

[CloseToFreedom]

of course she was manipulating you, and you fall for it. you should  maintain strict NO CONTACT. BPD try to contact you after the relationship ends only for: validation, triangulation, manipulation, to keep you around for some favors, etc. your needs did not matter during the relationship and they do not matter now for her.

Yeah 'suppose so. In the end it had nothing to do with me and all with her needs.

[1989]

Hi Closetofreedom,

I just wanted to applaud you for your decision to block her and delete her number.  My BPDex and I broke up 27 years ago this month (just realized that).  This thing never ends until you end it.  I was a very young 21 year old when we first broke up.  It seems to me that once that fracture (breakup) occurs, it really is over, but they don't want us to move on.

I spent the first three years being pulled back and forth.  When I would accept it was over and really start moving on, he would want to "talk."  He would tell me how much he had missed me, how much he thought about me and remembered us, and how badly he felt, and that he "really did love me."  So, I think that means he wants to be together again.  No!  Emphatically no!  "Just want you to know."

I moved 600 miles away in 1992, we exchanged a few letters and when his last letter seemed like he was just writing out of boredom I chose to stop writing.  He called a few months later because he had decided to drive down to see me!  Again, the same stuff was said.  (Luckily, I had just started seeing someone who is now my husband and I didn't care about the stuff my ex was saying.)

17 years after that, I contacted him via FB (stupid me).  We eventually had a phone conversation and all those same words flowed from his mouth--he had never married, I was the one, the love of his life, the standard by which all other loves were measure, blah blah blah.

My marriage was stale at the time and I thought maybe he (the ex) had been the one all along.  We continued to talk for several weeks and finally I asked if he wanted to try to be together again.  No!  Emphatically no!  He could "kinda see where I got that idea... ."

I could be wrong, but I have come to believe that this thing with them has nothing to do with their feelings for us, but has everything to do with our feelings for them.  That is their concern.  We sit around and wonder if they still love us.  They don't question that.  Their concern is how do we feel about them.

Someone on here (I think it was fromheeltoheal) said that it isn't about us, it is about the attachment.  

I think these brief "reconnections" are just checking the line, making sure we will still bite.

It's not love.  I have defined love for myself and for me love means caring about someone's well-being and being concerned for them.  Not once was my ex ever concerned about my feelings, my well-being, my health, happiness, etc.

Again, I applaud you.  My biggest regret all these years later is simply the time I wasted on waiting for it to finally work with him.  So many wasted years (5-6 cumulative years).

I also realized that my life is a relatively peaceful existence except for the few times he has been part of it.  Huge eye-opener!  I sent him the final "never again" email in January of 2012.  I am done.  Forever done.  I am happy now.  Truly happy.  I will never again diverge from my path.

Keep on your path!  

[CloseToFreedom]

Thank you for the kind words 1989, they help, and quite the story you have there. Just goes to show if you let them they will never truly go away, but they won't be totally available ever either. Very toxic.

[FannyB]

I think if they are not idealising you then they tend to be crass and insensitive as their needs come first and you're just not that important to them anymore once you're not the 'one'.


Fanny

[1989]

I think they get a whole lot of mileage out of those of us who still love them and want to be with them even after the horrible treatment and the horrendous things they've done.  I only heard from mine when his newest relationship was starting downhill.

What resonated with me in your post are your feelings of being "played.".  I always definitely felt as though I had been toyed with.  I felt like I was being used. 

My hope for everyone is they will recognize this is not love.  This is need.  Some people use exes for sex.  It seems a pwBPD uses their exes for emotions/love. 

I always ended up feeling like something very important had been extracted from me.

Not to sound hateful, but if they leave then we need to let them go (for good).

[CloseToFreedom]

I think they get a whole lot of mileage out of those of us who still love them and want to be with them even after the horrible treatment and the horrendous things they've done.  I only heard from mine when his newest relationship was starting downhill.

What resonated with me in your post are your feelings of being "played.".  I always definitely felt as though I had been toyed with.  I felt like I was being used. 

My hope for everyone is they will recognize this is not love.  This is need.  Some people use exes for sex.  It seems a pwBPD uses their exes for emotions/love. 

I always ended up feeling like something very important had been extracted from me.

Not to sound hateful, but if they leave then we need to let them go (for good).

yes, they are emotional vampires.

[1989]

 It's finally over when you decide that it is.  And that is a very good feeling (once the pain ends again, and it eventually will).

Her trump card is she made you feel like you are the really special one, different than the others.  :)on't believe it.


Good luck to you!

[cherryblossom]

This thread has been very useful to read thank you x