I think my ex has BPD... we are recently broken up and I could use some support

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, I was recently left by my ex. She left me for someone else in a very chaotic situation (still married with a child). I have been reading descriptions of BPD and it seems like they perfectly describe our relationship. I know that I am a classic caregiver. It just seems like she went on a crazy, impulsive binge when things got a little rough (she was out for surgery, her dog died, we were both stressed out). She is now madly in love with this new person after a month. They are moving in together, have talked marriage, and even got matching tattoos after 2 weeks. Everything she says that she wants is what we had. We were together for 2 years and she just "fell out of love with me".

I am now caught in this emotional mess. I am worried about her, but it is not my place to care for her any more. This has put me into a depression (I am getting help though). Her therapist hasn't diagnosed her as BPD, but I don't think her therapist sees everything that is going on. Does this sound similar to anyone?

[Belle1912]

Hello, I was recently left by my ex. She left me for someone else in a very chaotic situation (still married with a child). I have been reading descriptions of BPD and it seems like they perfectly describe our relationship. I know that I am a classic caregiver. It just seems like she went on a crazy, impulsive binge when things got a little rough (she was out for surgery, her dog died, we were both stressed out). She is now madly in love with this new person after a month. They are moving in together, have talked marriage, and even got matching tattoos after 2 weeks. Everything she says that she wants is what we had. We were together for 2 years and she just "fell out of love with me".

I am now caught in this emotional mess. I am worried about her, but it is not my place to care for her any more. This has put me into a depression (I am getting help though). Her therapist hasn't diagnosed her as BPD, but I don't think her therapist sees everything that is going on. Does this sound similar to anyone?

[Tomacini]

Yep they don't like therapy as they could get exposed which would mean they have flaws which would be unbearable for their already low self esteem.

My BPDex told me once: if i would have to go to therapy i would put on a mask and pretend that everything is ok.

As for her leaving you: you werent able to meet her needs (take away the emptiness, chronic loneliness,... .) but don't worry, nobody is.

When they realise this, the whole push-pull cycle begins until one or the other stops the cycle.

Did you experience push-pull behavior?

[Lucky Jim]

She is now madly in love with this new person after a month. They are moving in together, have talked marriage, and even got matching tattoos after 2 weeks.

Hey Belle, This "head-over-heels" type of r/s is typical for someone with BPD.  Sad things is, as Tomacini notes, it never lasts because she will discover that the new person is unable to resolve her chronic emptiness, either, after which the whole cycle starts over again, either by recycling with you or finding someone else.  There's a black hole of need in a person w/BPD, in my view, that no one can fill.

It's hard, I know, but suggest you be grateful that you are out of the loop.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi belle1912,



I'm sorry to hear that. I'd like to join Tomacini and Lucky Jim and welcome you.

I'd like to add to what Tomacini said. I recall marriage counseling and I was persecutor in our sessions and my ex wife was a victim and the T was rescuing my ex wife. It was frustrating and marriage counselling didn't work. BPD is a persecution complex, a pwBPD believes that their circumstances are caused by others.

As Lucky Jim states that the head over heals stuff is typical, a pwBPD want to return to idealization. A pwBPD will you put you on a pedestal and knock you off that pedestal.

That us good news that you are taking care of your depression, depression is tough. I think that members will relate with you with worrying about their ex partner, it takes time to detach and grieve. You'll find the lessons to the right of the board. It helps to talk. Hang in there.