I could be on a training course with my BPDxbf today

[Lifewriter16]

Today could be a nightmare. I'm booked onto a training course and it's possible that my BPDxbf could be attending. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I could just sit there making sure I'm placed on a seat that means I can avoid eye contact. I could walk out. I don't know what I'm going to do. He told me to cease all contact with him permanently a couple of weeks ago but sent me a couple of emails yesterday of the 'I'm working really hard to change, you aren't bothering' variety telling me he that my love means nothing since I'm not there for him and avoid him and that he doesn't need me in his life. I didn't respond. I'm dreading this... .

Lifewriter x

[C.Stein]

Yikes LF.  Having to interact with the ex at this point will be difficult.  I don't think you should bail but it would be good to avoid any contact if possible.  This keeps you strong and respects not only your own boundary but the one he set as well.

[Lifewriter16]

Yikes LF.  Having to interact with the ex at this point will be difficult.  I don't think you should bail but it would be good to avoid any contact if possible.  This keeps you strong and respects not only your own boundary but the one he set as well.

The training course was cancelled so the issue didn't arise.

It's made me realise that I'm very vulnerable at the moment though. I'm actively emoting over core pain which is making me desperate to see my BPDxbf. Seeing him always derails me from dealing with core pain and avoiding core pain could be the very reason I want to see him. I must keep out of his way and not succumb to temptation. My future will be brighter once the core pain is dealt with.

Lifewriter x

[C.Stein]

Seeing him always derails me from dealing with core pain and avoiding core pain could be the very reason I want to see him.

I am admittedly confused LF.  The impression I have got was the opposite, that seeing him and/or being with him actually causes your core pain to surface making it unavoidable.

[Lifewriter16]

Seeing him always derails me from dealing with core pain and avoiding core pain could be the very reason I want to see him.

I am admittedly confused LF.  The impression I have got was the opposite, that seeing him and/or being with him actually causes your core pain to surface making it unavoidable.

I'm not sure I understand this either now you mention it. Perhaps both things are true. Seeing him derails me. I lose my groundedness, my centredness. Dealing with the anxiety that his demands cause me completely diverts me from healthier activities like prayer, meditation, reflecting upon my relationship with my parents. I become consumed by him and I get lost in it. Amongst all that madness, the core pain is triggered.

We seem to get together, I get triggered, we split, I deal with issues underlying the trigger and then we start the process all over again. I turn into a barmy woman when with him leading to the need to deal with what underlies all the madness it brings out in me. I can only do this core work when we are apart because he won't give me space within the relationship to do it.

Not sure if this makes sense to me yet. Does it make better sense to you now?

Lifewriter x

[HurtinNW]

Seeing him always derails me from dealing with core pain and avoiding core pain could be the very reason I want to see him.

I am admittedly confused LF.  The impression I have got was the opposite, that seeing him and/or being with him actually causes your core pain to surface making it unavoidable.

I'm not sure I understand this either now you mention it. Perhaps both things are true. Seeing him derails me. I lose my groundedness, my centredness. Dealing with the anxiety that his demands cause me completely diverts me from healthier activities like prayer, meditation, reflecting upon my relationship with my parents. I become consumed by him and I get lost in it. Amongst all that madness, the core pain is triggered.

We seem to get together, I get triggered, we split, I deal with issues underlying the trigger and then we start the process all over again. I turn into a barmy woman when with him leading to the need to deal with what underlies all the madness it brings out in me. I can only do this core work when we are apart because he won't give me space within the relationship to do it.

Not sure if this makes sense to me yet. Does it make better sense to you now?

Lifewriter x

It makes absolute sense to me, because I am much the same. When I am in relationship with my ex in some ways I feel better. The immediate pain of loss goes away. But I am unmoored, triggered, constantly anxious, freaking out, as you put, barmy. I lose myself, and lose my reality.

Then we split, and my PTSD goes down, I get more regulated, the anxiety declines, and suddenly I am feeling much better and yet much worse. The core pain was activated and now I am alone in it.

Maybe our relationships brought our core issues to the surface, and they are here for us to deal with regardless of what happens. We cannot do the work while in relationship with our exes because they re-traumatize us. We have to do the work alone, and yet much of the core trauma is from being left alone.

For me this is one of the most painful places to ever have been.

[Lifewriter16]

Sending you some hugs, Hurtin. It is indeed a painful place. This is partly why I think the relationship I have/had with my BPDxbf is both terrible and tremendous. He is a mirror who shows me who I am and where I am damaged. I think he is my soul mate in the truest sense of the world. However, as a friend mentioned to me, soul mates do not make good partners because the level of the triggering is unsustainable.

Lifewriter x

[HurtinNW]

Sending you some hugs, Hurtin. It is indeed a painful place. This is partly why I think the relationship I have/had with my BPDxbf is both terrible and tremendous. He is a mirror who shows me who I am and where I am damaged. I think he is my soul mate in the truest sense of the world. However, as a friend mentioned to me, soul mates do not make good partners because the level of the triggering is unsustainable.

Lifewriter x

Thank you. What you said rings so true for me. I appreciate it. I'm in a really bad place today. Just so much pain. 

[C.Stein]

Not sure if this makes sense to me yet. Does it make better sense to you now?

Here's the way I see it LF.  I'm going to borrow Astro's seesaw analogy.

You have 3 fundamental states of being, all revolving around your core pain.  Each end of the seesaw represents the extreme states of your core pain.  

One end is when your core pain is buried into your subconscious.  It is there impacting every aspect of your life and you have no control over it because you can't see it.  

The other end is when your core pain is on the surface.  In this state you do see it but you still have no control over it.

At each extreme end your core pain is in control.  

In the center is where you find the balance between the two states.  This is where you see the core pain but are in control of it.  You recognize it for what it is and you don't let it impact your life in a negative fashion.  This is where you are when engaged in healthy activities and positive thinking.  Let's say a state of acceptance of your core pain.

When you are with your exBP your core pain is at the surface.  It is controlling you, but at times you find some "relief" because you ex puts a blind fold on you.  You can't see you are at the extreme end of the seesaw.  Eventually the blindfold falls off and you realize where you are.  This is when you split.

I will speculate that much of your life you have been at the other extreme end, where your core pain has been buried in your subconscious.  This is where you are most "comfortable" because it is where you have spent the most time.  That said, it is just a destructive as the other extreme end of the seesaw, the one when you are with exBP.

Now that you are aware of your core pain you can find a way to the middle of the seesaw, sometimes pausing in-between the middle and the two extreme states.  When you find yourself in that limbo between one end in the middle is where you feel uncertain of which direction to take, where to find the balance.

Does that make sense?

[steelwork]

Seeing him always derails me from dealing with core pain and avoiding core pain could be the very reason I want to see him.

I understood this to be a statement about deflection. There's core pain, and then there's the drama of this particular relationship. It made a lot of sense to me that you might find the drama a way of procrastinating about your own core pain. I suspect that's often been the case for me.

In any case, so sorry you have to go through this. Let us know how it goes (if you want to). --steelwork