The Saga continues

[NCEA]

This is my story thread:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287892

The short version is that I came here after being NC for 3 months with my exBPD, naming myself NCEA and then guess what? Contacted her.

I sent her a whatsap "Hey, it's me".

She: "call me".

We spoke for 15 minutes. Turns out that she was alone. My replacement, she says, was bipolar and abused her in some way. She said she had a very difficult time, had broken up from him and decided to be alone, for a whole year, to get to know herself and love herself, for she'd never been alone since she was 15. Said she was just looking at our pictures. That she kept thinking of me. That she texted me a few weeks back (but to a wrong number) . She realized she has a problem and wanted to work on it. Said she made herself into a sex object... .and more and more.

I told her there are many things I want to tell her, faces to face (me wanting to tell her that she's BPD0)and we agreed to meet within 1-2 weeks. That was the end of January.

A few days later, she'd already postponed it to April :-) But anyway we ended up meeting a couple of weeks later and we spent the weekend together. Talked a lot about everything and got very connected again. No sex because as I've said, she decided to abstain for a long period. Since then we met four times, always me travelling to meet her.

Long story short, within 2-3 weeks we were "together" again. Texting all day, phone calls, close connection.

We were good for about two whole weeks.

Then, of course, from one day to the next she flipped on me. "whats going on here? Are we together? I had decided to be alone for a year... ."  Within another week the whole thing fell apart, she cancelling a planed trip to visit me. I had already booked theatre tickets, some other activities... .she didn't care, and cancelled it, via email.

I called her up and we spoke for 3 hours. I told her I won't give up on her, that I know how scary things are for her, that I know she planned to be alone, bla bla bla and the end of the conversation was very positive. She thanked me for insisting on talking on the phone, said she felt the love again... . We agreed to text less but speak more on the phone. Have "real communication".

Then the next day I wake up to see that she changed her whatsapp image, which was meant to be some kind of sign for me, as if she was turning a new page, because the previous picture was one that she put there for me.

This broke me. Something in me changed. We just spoke for three hours the previous night, agreed to have "real communication" and then this... .another one of her "signs" games. I actually felt something in me shift. I felt like it was the last straw.

So then I had to take someone to the theatre, with the tickets I've bought her. A sweet 24 years old I met in a cafe (I'm 37) and I didn't plan for anything to happen, but it did. We set in some restaurant and started kissing. This girl is totally 180 from my exBPD... .sweet, warm, appreciative, healthy, loving, smiley. A Vegan, she wouldn't hurt a soul. Lived in India for 6 months to volunteer with the local kids. Every time she looks at me, she smiles.

Then three days later I speak with my ex, she tells me how hard that weekend when she didn't come was for her. She kept thinking about me. She's laughing, I ask why, she says "I'm happy to hear your voice". Then she asks "have you seen my new whatsapp picture?"  (LOL)

Push, Pull, Push, Pull... .

Meanwhile, I warm up to her again, but I also start seeing the new girl more and more. She stays over. We go for a weekend trip. I tell her about my exBPD but nothing to the ex about her.

She sleeps over at my place more and more. Every position is comfortable, no matter my my whole body is on her, or her whole body is over me. With my exBPD, it's the complete opposite. When I sleep at her place she makes me feel like I need to apologize for breathing.

My new girl, as described above, she is marriage material. But there is one problem - she's TOO good. She's has no dark side, no ___ups (that I know of, yet). She's not crazy, she doesn't have a crazy sexuality, she's not playing games. So of course I don't have with her the ups and downs that I have with the exBPD.

It saddens me to use this word but... .it bores me a little.

Now again I feel like I'm still very much in love with my ex and I feel that as long as I'm in contact with her, I might not be able to fall in love with my new girl. I know that the right thing would be to cut the ex out of my life and just try to have something healthy and good with my new girl but I find it so hard.

Also, things being so "perfect" with the new girl, I'm starting to freak out a little. I've been single /long distance/ in open relationships for five years and the idea of me actually being in a closed relationship with this sweet girl who lives in the same city as me scares me. I feel I'm panicking a little. So now I can understand my exBPD a little better.

Instead of enjoying my new girl, I find myself looking at whatsapp waiting to see if my ex is "online" hoping she'd write me. If we don't text each other 2-3 days, I feel like crap. She's playing with me and I play back. We don't write each other 2-3 days, then we're warm again, then again we don't write for 2-3 days... .

This is the shortest I've could make it, I left out tons of details.

[Fr4nz]

Hey NCEA,

I think it's pretty normal that you freaked out in front of the perspective of having a relationship with an emotionally sane girl.

And the reason is very simple: you got used to the dysfunctionality that characterizes a relationship with a BPD. It really is like an addiction.

Perhaps you should investigate why you're so attracted towards these kind of relationships. Are you a co-dependent? Do you have some Cluster B traits?

I myself investigated, some time ago, why I was attracted towards my ex uBPD/HPD. Turns out I have my own BPD traits (within "normalcy"... .but they are there).

My personal suggestion: focus on the "normal" girl, you'll really start to appreciate, sooner or later, the stability of an emotionally sane partner... .the fact that you don't have to be scared for everything, thus allowing yourself to have true intimacy with the new partner.

Keep the friendship with your BPD-ex... .if that is realistic and OK for you emotional well-being. And enforce very strong boundaries, while keeping your goals (i.e., what you truly want from your ex) very clear.

Otherwise it's better if you let her go.

[AntigoneJayne]

I feel for you.  

I'm really *really* new here.  Staying in my relationship with my partner who I strongly believe is suffering from BPD.  

I don't have much I can offer---other than I hope you find what you need---what is the most right thing for you, because I think that its not uncommon for those of us involved with BPD partners to forget that our needs matter, A LOT.  

I'm sorry that you so much adore this girl, yet your being used to an up and down history with your BPD ex causes boredom in this new relationship.  I don't know what the right answer is for you, or me, or anybody.  But I do wish you happiness in love and life.  

[Tomacini]

Yeah that's BPD for ya... .push-pull, it will never end

Cut back on the contact with the BPD girl, let her come to you. That's what worked best for me. They can't stand feeling pressured or obliged to do things. It's kind of a trigger for them to start panicking.

Or even better, like the previous poster suggest: examine yourself why you're so into dysfunctional relationships. Sure, the high is incredible because the lows are as well. It's like a junkie who doesn't get his fix for a few days and then scores. That feels amazing (trust me been there)

In the end, you're better of with the satble girl. You say she's 24 and you're 37? Well done sir ;-)

[NCEA]

Perhaps you should investigate why you're so attracted towards these kind of relationships. Are you a co-dependent? Do you have some Cluster B traits?

Thank you for your help everybody, I really appreciate it.

I'm not very "normal" but this has been a good thing for me. Started my own business at 21, retired early (in my late 20s), travelled the world for 5 years... .I'm intense and extreme but that's me and I'm not fighting it. I learned to embrace it. So yes, of course I'm attracted to someone who is like me. And of course the normal sweet girl bores me.  

[Fr4nz]

So you're cluster B-ish :D

Well, you cannot really complain if you don't make, at least, some little efforts to have more functional relationships! :D

[NCEA]

So you're cluster B-ish :D

Well, you cannot really complain if you don't make, at least, some little efforts to have more functional relationships! :D

I'm going to try. Tonight I meet my sweet girl, I'm going to tell her more about my difficulties and explain that I want to make this work but that she needs to give me time and space and we should take things slowly. If she agrees, I'll come clean with my exBPD, say that I met someone, and explain the situation.

How does that sound?

I'm committed to trying this out for 2 months.

The problem is, it's not about not trying. I can try... .but if I don't fall in love with my sweet girl, there is nothing I can do about it. I can control my actions but not my emotions. Right?

[Ahoy]

So you're cluster B-ish :D

Well, you cannot really complain if you don't make, at least, some little efforts to have more functional relationships! :D

I'm going to try. Tonight I meet my sweet girl, I'm going to tell her more about my difficulties and explain that I want to make this work but that she needs to give me time and space and we should take things slowly. If she agrees, I'll come clean with my exBPD, say that I met someone, and explain the situation.

How does that sound?

I'm committed to trying this out for 2 months.

The problem is, it's not about not trying. I can try... .but if I don't fall in love with my sweet girl, there is nothing I can do about it. I can control my actions but not my emotions. Right?

Why don't you not put an expiration date on this, remove any pressure to have feelings. Just try and enjoy the moment as each interaction happens. Let yourself be vulnerable (if you feel comfortable). From what I hear, TRULY connecting with someone and building layers of trust and love is slow-going but infinitely more satisfying than the crazy up/down high/low's we experience in a BPD relationship.

Good luck dude!

[NCEA]

Not putting an expatriation on something that wasn't very good ended with me being in a 9 year relationship. I don't want to waste my or her time.

So you're cluster B-ish :D

Well, you cannot really complain if you don't make, at least, some little efforts to have more functional relationships! :D

I'm going to try. Tonight I meet my sweet girl, I'm going to tell her more about my difficulties and explain that I want to make this work but that she needs to give me time and space and we should take things slowly. If she agrees, I'll come clean with my exBPD, say that I met someone, and explain the situation.

How does that sound?

I'm committed to trying this out for 2 months.

The problem is, it's not about not trying. I can try... .but if I don't fall in love with my sweet girl, there is nothing I can do about it. I can control my actions but not my emotions. Right?

Why don't you not put an expiration date on this, remove any pressure to have feelings. Just try and enjoy the moment as each interaction happens. Let yourself be vulnerable (if you feel comfortable). From what I hear, TRULY connecting with someone and building layers of trust and love is slow-going but infinitely more satisfying than the crazy up/down high/low's we experience in a BPD relationship.

Good luck dude!

[C.Stein]

Also, things being so "perfect" with the new girl, I'm starting to freak out a little. I've been single /long distance/ in open relationships for five years and the idea of me actually being in a closed relationship with this sweet girl who lives in the same city as me scares me. I feel I'm panicking a little.

This is me reaching out and slapping you.     

Dude, don't overthink it.  Sometimes things are as good as they appear.

[FannyB]

So you're cluster B-ish :D

Well, you cannot really complain if you don't make, at least, some little efforts to have more functional relationships! :D

I'm going to try. Tonight I meet my sweet girl, I'm going to tell her more about my difficulties and explain that I want to make this work but that she needs to give me time and space and we should take things slowly. If she agrees, I'll come clean with my exBPD, say that I met someone, and explain the situation.

How does that sound?

I'm committed to trying this out for 2 months.

The problem is, it's not about not trying. I can try... .but if I don't fall in love with my sweet girl, there is nothing I can do about it. I can control my actions but not my emotions. Right?

Hi NCEA


I understand how difficult this is for you. Most people on this site are looking for stable, loving partners - and you don't know if you can handle one! I've been there myself in the past and actively sought relationships that I knew couldn't go anywhere. You are right though - you have to be true to yourself. You can't make yourself fall in love with someone just because it seems the sane, rational thing to do. But at least you're being upfront with this girl and that's pretty much all you can do whilst you wait to see how things develop.


Fanny

[Survivingher]

im in a similar boat.  sort of.  right now me ex hates me but comes up with some reason to contact me every few days.  I think shes waiting for an apology for literally kicking her out of my house that she lived.  while I wait for an apology for her stealing over $1000 and going to Florida with one of her many exes that she contacts all the time.  meanwhile ive met a very nice girl and im bored and think about my BPD all the time.  I think she is a love addict and I am a love avoidant.  its a potent combination.  I pick women that that I cant get close to and run from the ones that are crazy about me.  I even ran from my BPD during the love bombing for a little while.   I found a great site that explains it better than ive ever heard it explained.   this woman knows her stuff.   www.kristinsnowdenmft.com/toxic-relationships

[Fr4nz]

The problem is, it's not about not trying. I can try... .but if I don't fall in love with my sweet girl, there is nothing I can do about it. I can control my actions but not my emotions. Right?

That's the excuse BPDs use to justify their actions... .:D

Emotional intelligence represents the ability to assess and control your own emotions... .and it's something we develop during our whole lives. Hence... .take your time

[Ab123]

Props to you for self awareness. That's more than 1/2 the battle. My new (hopefully NON) bf and I actually had a conversation about how he is slightly dismissive avoidant, and I'm slightly anxious, in our attachment styles. We agreed to me mindful of each other's needs and how we may experience intimacy differently. There are advantages to dating over 40 where both parties have learned from past "mistakes"... .

[NCEA]

Many times I see here posts such as "my ex just left after X years (8-9-12 years), he must be BPD!" and my response to that is "wait. maybe they just fell out of love with you?" 

We can't control our emotions, we can control our actions. The difference with BPD is that they can't control neither of these + have identity issues and all the rest.

My emotions towards the exBPD are pretty stable, I've been in love with her for more than a year. I've never pushed/pulled her. Which is probably why she's "bored" with it.

The problem is, it's not about not trying. I can try... .but if I don't fall in love with my sweet girl, there is nothing I can do about it. I can control my actions but not my emotions. Right?

That's the excuse BPDs use to justify their actions... .:D

Emotional intelligence represents the ability to assess and control your own emotions... .and it's something we develop during our whole lives. Hence... .take your time

[NCEA]

So I've sent her a really warm whatapp 2 days ago, no answer. We're not together and I have no expectations other than being a social human being like the rest of us, with a reply like "thanks hope you're well too".

SO

(drum roll)

I'm going to tell her about me dating again and having met someone. I think it can be better for our friendship because I can be much more free in helping her with her issues. It took me two months to say the word "disorder" because I was afraid of her reaction, so no more of that.

What helps me most is hanging out on the forum for a few minutes a day and see just how predictable they are and seeing her as emotionally 3 years old, it's the only way really to explain or understand their behaviour.

You don't get mad at a 3 years old, do you?

But I must say that being again in contact with her DID help me, before that I was a total mess and in complete depression. Doing this 2nd round showed me how all my BPD suspicion was right on the money. It took me weeks to let go, I still didn't fully... .but it's much better being in low contact and observing from the side than living without knowing anything and being in the dark. I say each case is different but if the ex is not a true psychopath, no reason not to stay friends.

Cheers.

[jessedsickabouther]

First of all I wouldn't bring up another chick. If she is BPD that's never a good idea no matter who did what. You can trust me on that one. Second of all the whole friendship thing isn't necessarily a good idea either. So you need to be friends with someone who doesn't answer you for 2 days? I think you're asking for trouble maybe other people can give you more thoughtful response to your last post but I think you're asking for more pain and I definitely would not bring up the fact that you're dating somebody else. 1 people with BPD have serious abandonment issues. 2 some of them seek revenge. And 3 I question if you're doing this to try to make her jealous which is not a good idea either.  And if you are dating somebody that girl does not want you to be friends with your ex. You can also take that to the bank. All I see is trouble in your future the way you're proceeding but that's just my opinion

[NCEA]

The status between me and my exBPD is that we were seeing each other BUT not together and NOT having sex BUT I was also not seeing anyone else because I was going on this abstinence period with her (after being with 100+ women in the last 5 years). So the whole situation between us is grey.

A friend doesn't have to reply, I have no problem with that. A romantic interest in the grey area of what I described above... yea, it pisses me off, and it shouldn't as long as I take it out of the grey zone and into a clear friendship zone.

I want her as a friend because I have deep care and concern to her. She won't freak out and seek revenge, she doesn't want us to be together, she'll be relieved I think that I'm off her neck.

First of all I wouldn't bring up another chick. If she is BPD that's never a good idea no matter who did what. You can trust me on that one. Second of all the whole friendship thing isn't necessarily a good idea either. So you need to be friends with someone who doesn't answer you for 2 days? I think you're asking for trouble maybe other people can give you more thoughtful response to your last post but I think you're asking for more pain and I definitely would not bring up the fact that you're dating somebody else. 1 people with BPD have serious abandonment issues. 2 some of them seek revenge. And 3 I question if you're doing this to try to make her jealous which is not a good idea either.  And if you are dating somebody that girl does not want you to be friends with your ex. You can also take that to the bank. All I see is trouble in your future the way you're proceeding but that's just my opinion

[patientandclear]

I think you're breaking your word to your ex. You told her you support her abstinence plan, will be there for her ... .Then you got what you call "back together," took a trip, shared emotional intimacy, right?

You had an amazing 3 hour talk. Then she took you at your word and changed her Whatsapp pic to something not for you. You got hurt and starting dating someone else instantly.

Her gestures of separation and independence while still maintain an emotional/romantic connection to you are potential very healthy for someone with BPD. My ex did essentially this for a year with me and, while it ended and the way it ended hurt (detailed elsewhere), what was important to that year was that he separated, un-enmeshed himself, but created a different kind of emotional intimacy with me that I honored. I did not push for more. It was very important to his sense of safety and of being loved for himself that I did not freak out over small withdrawals. He was learning self-definition like a toddler.

PwBPD typically have zero experience with them placing limits on how much their SO defines them, and that being OK. Seems like that is what you and your ex were experimenting with and it sounds pretty healthy.

Except you have not sufficiently detached for her to be able to change her Whatsapp pic without you not only freaking out but pretty much betraying her with another woman.

I am not saying your and your BPDex are destined for happily ever after if you give her this time while honoring your intimate connection. My ex ended up leaving me in several ways; HE did not honor the intimate connection we had. That said -- if for whatever reason you want to pursue the r/ship with the new woman, please recognize you are effectively breaking up with your ex and you cheated on her. You can invoke the formal fact that you two were not having sex but you spent the weekend together and were de facto partners.

Do not rationalize that it's all good because now you can help her more. She likely does not want your help. She likely wants you to love her while standing back and letting her work on herself. (Not saying she WILL do that.)

If you are going to proceed this way it calls for extreme gentleness. You are potentially breaking her heart. She has trusted you with aspects of her true self and that makes her super vulnerable to you. I suggest drawing a line with her in terms only of your r/ship first ("I'm realizing I was fuzzy in my mind about what we are doing. I totally respect your abstinence project and I am officially setting aside any hopes or plans for it to come to a close with us resuming a romance".

Much later, after lower level contact only (no longer being de facto partners), the fact that you are seeing someone else will fit the storyline. Having done it now, and in reaction to her asserting her autonomy in a perfectly reasonable and perhaps symbolically important way, could really hurt her.

[NCEA]

I think you're breaking your word to your ex. You told her you support her abstinence plan, will be there for her ... .Then you got what you call "back together," took a trip, shared emotional intimacy, right?

You had an amazing 3 hour talk. Then she took you at your word and changed her Whatsapp pic to something not for you. You got hurt and starting dating someone else instantly.

Yes and no. She never asked me to go on  abstinence. I did it anyway, because I wanted to give us a chance, and I did it while things were good between us. But then she cancelled a trip to come visit me after I've booked many expensive activities... .now she's been push pulling me for weeks already. Not answering texts for days. Not saying "hey I need some distance" but literally blowing me off with no response at all.

But yes, maybe I shouldn't say I met someone. I will only say I'm starting to date again. Who knows, to be honest her "abstinence" is just from sex, I suspect that she's not answering me and push/pulling me because she has new "supply" of attention AND/OR she's splitting me.  

So she's not having sex but if she keeps flirting around and leading other men on... (who knows?) then it's just same old same old.

But yes, good points. I'll just say I'm starting to date again.

Oh and that Whatsapp picture... .It was so sad how she asked me a few days later, when I didn't react: "did you see my new whatsapp picture? A friend of mine sent it to me" (a guy, no question about it), just to make sure I've noticed it.

[NCEA]

I have a date with my new girl in 2 hours so I sent my ex the message via whatsapp. Really nice and warm and supporting, no mention of a new girlfriend.

I think what she was doing is being happy to have me "on the side" while she's trying to "be alone" and keeping ALL her options open.

My new girl, she was involved with someone for two years, someone she loved very much, but he was 37 and didn't want children and they decided to break up because she's 100% sure that she wants a family. So they broke it up despite being crazy in love.

So considering this, I think I will explain her today, again, that I'm very nervous about being in a relationship and that I need space and time to take it slowly. Just so you get the picture, we know each other for 5 weeks but she already has a key to my place. I'm not just freaking out, I have solid reasons to freak out.

And I'll tell her that we're trying it out for a couple of months but because I know that she's a serious person -  I won't drag it longer than that, if I see that it doesn't have a future.

I think this is healthy and mature, no?

Oh and here is what I think will now happen:

30% that she won't even respond.

60% that she'll say "fine, ok" coldly and I won't hear from here for 2-3-6 weeks.

and 

10% that she'll pretend she doesn't know where is this coming from and will try to pull me back.

[HurtinNW]

I have a date with my new girl in 2 hours so I sent my ex the message via whatsapp. Really nice and warm and supporting, no mention of a new girlfriend.

I think what she was doing is being happy to have me "on the side" while she's trying to "be alone" and keeping ALL her options open.

My new girl, she was involved with someone for two years, someone she loved very much, but he was 37 and didn't want children and they decided to break up because she's 100% sure that she wants a family. So they broke it up despite being crazy in love.

So considering this, I think I will explain her today, again, that I'm very nervous about being in a relationship and that I need space and time to take it slowly. Just so you get the picture, we know each other for 5 weeks but she already has a key to my place. I'm not just freaking out, I have solid reasons to freak out.

And I'll tell her that we're trying it out for a couple of months but because I know that she's a serious person -  I won't drag it longer than that, if I see that it doesn't have a future.

I think this is healthy and mature, no?

Oh and here is what I think will now happen:

30% that she won't even respond.

60% that she'll say "fine, ok" coldly and I won't hear from here for 2-3-6 weeks.

and 

10% that she'll pretend she doesn't know where is this coming from and will try to pull me back.

Your new girl sounds like a very tenderhearted person, very sweet and kind. You are still enmeshed with your ex, communicating with her, and at the same time you've given this tender girl the key to your place. Now you want to pull back and tell her you need to take it slow. That's potentially going to be painful for her. She's been honest with you about wanting kids, and made herself vulnerable. You're the one who gave her a key, you are the one who has been fully aboard this train until all of a sudden you are not.

From the outside looking in, this seems frankly exploitative of the new girl. Like a rebound relationship. It's hurtful to get involved with someone so quickly, and so deeply, and then to suddenly pull back from them. It's the kind of thing our BPD/NPD partners do to us, and it hurts.

If you want to tell the new girl you are taking it slow let her know exactly what that means. Does it mean you aren't committing? When can she expect you will make a decision? She deserves to have information so she can protect her heart.

If you are going to see the new girl I'd suggest you detach from your ex, fully. I'd suggest it would be healthier to spend some time examining your role in all this.

[NCEA]

Hey,

I'm not sure you read the entire thread, my new girlfriend knows about the ex and I've told her twice about moving slowly. She has keys because I wanted to leave early and she wanted to stay, so I gave the extra keys so she can leave later than I did... .I'm fully aware of what I'm doing and above I did mention not trying this longer than two months if I don't see a future. Also, it's an exclusive closed relationship, no questions here. My first in five years.

[WoundedBibi]

The thing is NCEA, I get it, but...

You're BPDish or intense or whatever you want to call it. I get that. I was the same. Partly still am although age has calmed/mellowed me down a lot.

Not being able to control your feelings, yes and no. You can't control who you fall in love with. Especially if your BPDish. But I have learned to steer my feelings more over the years. If I feel crappy when I get up it doesn't mean I have to feel crappy all day anymore. I can do things to make me feel better and that way I can control my feelings to a degree. And of course I don't have to act upon a feeling. Although that last bit can sometimes be difficult.

I don't think it's fair to say you see a lot of posts here that are just from people that have exes who just happened to fall out of love with them; I haven't seen one post where someone didn't write about at least emotional abuse and not understanding what the h*ll just happened. By saying that you come across as just wanting to lash out because someone doesn't agree with you...

Now about the ex and the new girl.

You seem to genuinely care for the ex. But you say she is an emotional 3 year old so you can't get angry at her. You can get angry at a 3 year old. You should be around toddlers more often... .  Yes, a pwBPD has the emotional development of a child. But they are still adults. Your ex is still responsible for her own life and her own choices. If she wants help you can help her. If you help someone that doesn't want help it's not helping, it's saving and you're taking away their responsibility. Be careful not to treat your ex as a 'project'.

Also be careful you don't loose sight of you in this want/need for friendship/greyzone/helping and your reasons for doing what you're doing.

The new girl. I don't think she and your relationship with her stands a chance. She could be the solid base to keep your BPDish personality grounded but you are a bit bored. She's not wild so she hasn't taken your heart on a roller coaster ride... And you're scared of the commitment and panicking because of it. You gave her a key within 5 weeks for practical reasons. You first mention the key as a solid reason to freak out. But you gave it, she didn't take it. When you get this feedback you go all nonono, just practical, so she could stay longer. Still, you gave it. If the key is a reason to freak out, either she couldn't stay out longer than you, tough luck, or you should have asked for the key back directly afterwards. You bring it as if it is happening TO you but YOU are making this happen.

Same goes for the ex. The new girl also doesn't stand a chance because you are still emotionally attached to your ex. And the saga continues because you LET it continue. You contribute to the saga instead of ending it.

[Stripey77]

@Woundedbibi ... .I think you are spot on here, with everything.

If being completely honest here, I have to say I'm quite confused by all your intentions here and what you're doing. Are you sure you're quite clear yourself? It does seem quite unfair to give someone something with one hand and then attach a caveat to it, or make it sound as if you're making a grandiose gesture because it's such a leap of faith for you. Either give the key wholeheartedly and with your faith attached, or wait until you are completely ready and feel more sure in yourself. It is perfectly possible to become attached to someone in as little as 5 weeks, we all know that, and I mean within a normal healthy relationship. People have met and got engaged after 6 months and gone to to be married for 30 years etc. But I'm not sure, however the nice the person, that I'd be giving anyone the keys to my home after 5 weeks. That's just me, but if there's one thing every one of us knows on this board without a doubt... .not everything as it may seem at first glance. Be more guarded with the practical things and more open with your heart. Every one of us is hoping to avoid a repeat performance of what we've gone through, and I am sure we aren't going to allow that to happen to us again. But we should still be wary of anyone new in our life, BPD notwithstanding, because trust is earned and built up over time.

I agree with Bibi, what chance will you really have with the ghost of your ex hanging over you? My advice to you would be to be extremely circumspect about how much you tell the new lady in your life, or there is every danger she will begin to feel like an emotional crutch, a rebound... .or your therapist. She probably doesn't want to know all of the nitty gritty about your ex, who ever does? It smacks of not being over something and she may feel like a second choice. Even if she is happy to hear you talk about it - and I do applaud your openness and honesty - to be totally frank, this is stuff you should be handling without her involvement at this extremely early stage of your new relationship.  If things develop, and you end up officially together, or even going all the way and settling down, there will be plenty of time at a later stage to confide in her.

[NCEA]

She sent me a picture but I think she sent it before reading what I wrote. It is a picture of a place we've been together. After that - nothing.

I agree with everything you're saying.

[semantics]

You'll hate me for this but if you are only a few months out (and not even, really, because you're still engaging) from the BPD relationship -- or any relationship for that matter, your new sweet girl sounds like a rebound. There's another site that recommends taking two years off to heal after pathological relationship, which is what those BPD ones were. The brain needs time to heal. Our own inner chemistry needs time to reset. We mess with that reset a little bit if we just jump into honeymoon phase (especially sexually) with someone new right away.

Please be careful with this girl and take it slow.

And whoa, wait: you were with 100+ women in 5 years?

Sounds like sex addiction, man. There's treatment for it. I'd let that sweet new girl move on so she can find someone who can stick around.

[NCEA]

Before the five years I was 9 years in a relationship with a histrionic.

Rebound Shembound... .It's just semantics 

[NCEA]

So just so you understand what I mean - my new girlfriend slept over this night at mine and we went to dinner beforehand, so now she left to work and writes me 2 hours later asking if we could meet at 14:30 for a walk in the park for an hour... . :)o you understand now that I'm not "freaking out" with no reason?  And this is after I've told her THREE times that we should take things slow.

Small disclaimer is that her dad arrives here this evening and she'll spend time with him for the next 3 days. But still.

And it feels clingy and overwhelming and I'm starting to feel that it's too much. And now I understand my exPBD, because that's maybe how she feels when I become "too much" for her. The problem with the exBPD is that when I give her space - she withdraws even further and further, I could just never find a balance with her.

[semantics]

Before the five years I was 9 years in a relationship with a histrionic.

Rebound Shembound... .It's just semantics 

See, this could be written by my BPD ex. Only, he was with me for six years and tried to persuade me for several that I was a histrionic, and before that, he was 10 years in marriage with a narcissist. And now he's moved a sweet new girl into his house, and from what I can tell, it's been pretty fast.

Your bratty close is so much like him, and he and I did that very well together. I want to say watch out here or you'll wind up being *my* next relationship. Which would probably be plenty of fun, but, you'd really have to do a full STD panel first and probably ongoing.

From all your five years of 100+ women, you know full well it's all roses and rainbows at first. Sounds like you, your ex, and the new youngster are all sending and receiving really mixed signals. Kind of scary too that her dad's in town; play it right and you could meet the parents and be married by next month!