Quick advice please

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all.  Okay, seeking advice here. As I previously mentioned on another post, I am 11 months out from the callous discard from my ex. Honestly, I still mask my sadness in my day to day, but am improving.

   I woke an hour early today with her on my mind, and just instinctually started writing a letter to her. I said all that I have come to feel, "how could she", she was my best friend, and that I miss her everyday. Of course it is a much more winded version

  My question is, do I send it? Part of me truly feels like it will help me in another step of healing, and part of me knows she herself has no answers or knows why she did what she did. I actually told her not to write back in the letter, and I plan to block her via email just in case. If I send it, I dont want to cause her more pain, but I also feel its high time I look out for number one.

  I guess Im curious if anyone has any insight or has done anything like this? Again, it would be a one way letter, just for me to speak my mind. No doors will be left open for her to respond.  Thanks!

[molitor]

Hi all.  Okay, seeking advice here. As I previously mentioned on another post, I am 11 months out from the callous discard from my ex. Honestly, I still mask my sadness in my day to day, but am improving.

   I woke an hour early today with her on my mind, and just instinctually started writing a letter to her. I said all that I have come to feel, "how could she", she was my best friend, and that I miss her everyday. Of course it is a much more winded version

  My question is, do I send it? Part of me truly feels like it will help me in another step of healing, and part of me knows she herself has no answers or knows why she did what she did. I actually told her not to write back in the letter, and I plan to block her via email just in case. If I send it, I dont want to cause her more pain, but I also feel its high time I look out for number one.

  I guess Im curious if anyone has any insight or has done anything like this? Again, it would be a one way letter, just for me to speak my mind. No doors will be left open for her to respond.  Thanks!

[Ahoy]

If you send that, what exactly are you are you hoping for? Is this closure for you? If she is like majority of the peoples ex-partners on here I would assume she would either ignore it or use it to paint you further black.

[C.Stein]

Yes, I have written some epic closure emails that got no reply, not that I wanted any.  I don't know if they ever got read so it was really just an exercise in writing out my feelings.  The point here is sending it isn't going to gain you anything really because you will never know if she read it.  It might make you feel better knowing she might read it but if you don't want to cause her anymore pain you probably should not send it.  She undoubtedly is wounded too, maybe not as much as you or maybe more.  This letter would bring it all back to the surface for her ... .wouldn't it you?  

My ex just reopened all my wounds with a seemingly innocuous email.  She also opened the door for me to write a response that I know she will at least open and read somewhat.  :)o I take the opportunity to let her know exactly how much damage she has done to me, how I feel?  This is a question I struggle with because I don't think she cares one bit for me or how much she hurt me.   She might feel some guilt reading it, maybe a lot, or maybe she will feel a perverse sense of satisfaction or pleasure knowing how devastated I am.  It might even cause her to apologize but it wouldn't be genuine or sincere.  

So if you aren't wanting a response and are going to take measures to make sure you never receive one then why would you tell her the things you say are going to in the letter?

[steelwork]

I'm going to give the old "wait 48 hours" advice.

Also, I understand so completely. I've written so many epic letters to my ex in the over a year since the final blow-off. I haven't sent any of them, and I'm glad, because the anxiety of wondering if and how I'd hear back would have been an added stress I didn't need.

There's another even stronger reason I'm glad I haven't hit send: in each case told myself it would be okay if I didn't hear back, or didn't hear what I hoped to hear, because I intended the letter as a "final word." But the "final word" has evolved so much over time. There may never be a "final word." If I had sent any of those letters, I'm sure I would have continued to come up with more things I wanted to get off my chest anyhow.

[Mutt]

molitor,

  She might feel some guilt reading it, maybe a lot, or maybe she will feel a perverse sense of satisfaction or pleasure knowing how devastated I am.  

I would like to add shame. We don't know what is in the content of the letter but there is a good chance that it would trigger shame. What is the goal to send the letter and close the door? I can see how we would be deeply hurt and want to have our ex partners understand how much pain that we're feeling.

[molitor]

Thanks to all for the replies / insight. I agree with everyone on some level. Part of me wants her to know what I have gone through, part of me doesnt want to cause her any pain or shame. I feel like it would benefit me to get it off my chest, but I would also have anxiety wondering if she just blew it off. I guess at the end of the day, its just me wanting to thin I meant something in a chapter in her life, or perhaps its me wanting her to have empathy where none exists. I think I will take the 48 hour advice, although Im already leaning away from sending it. My pride has kicked back in, and sadly I think the letter would merely empower her further. What a crappy chapter in my life story... thanks again.

[Mutt]

A third option, share your letter on the board with members. It helps to get it off our chest.

[HarleypsychRN]

I wrote a letter this weekend as well that I fully intend to send in the event she ever tries to re-establish contact with me again. It is honest, compassionate and in parts harsh.

I had a "ah-ha moment this afternoon, a real moment of clarity. I hold my ex-BPD responsible for NOT getting back into therapy.  She is in the helping professions. We treat psych patients who do not follow up with their treatment all the time and as a result live chaotic lives. She should realize the importance of reaching out for help when it is offered.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that she is BPD... none.

The letter is one I want my therapist to read first, to get her feedback. I may decide to share it with the community at some point. It is personal and poignant. I hold her to the same level of culpability as I do my patients, even more so... .