Does your partner show an interest in what you do?

[mssalty]

I'm curious if your partner shows genuine interest in the things you're interested in.  Not the shared interests, but the hobbies, entertainment, personal issues, and the like that pertain to you.   

I sometimes feel like I'm a counselor, plaything, servant, listening post, and repository for rants, but that my own needs, wants, and interests take a back seat.   I'm expected to have rapt attention for them, but when it comes to me, I better be content with a few looks up from their book, a nod, or a grunt.   

How do you cope? 

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[globalnomad]

I wish I knew the answer to this one.

I could count on a single hand the number of times my wife has ever asked me how my day was at work (I happen to like my job). Ditto for the book I'm reading and other things I'm generally interested in.

On the other hand, I'm expected to drop everything for her extended one-sided monologues on everything under the sun. If she doesn't have my undivided attention, watch out.

[Cloudy Days]

I am artistic and like to do artsy fartsy type of things. My husband only takes interest if I shove it in his face and say look what I made. He's even questioned my abilities before on several occasions which makes me even more angry because I'm pretty good but I have self confidence issues so instead of saying you can't do that, he should be saying you can do that. It's just annoying. He also gets annoyed if I take too much time away from him doing my hobbies. He could be sleeping all day on a Saturday and the moment he wakes up I am expected to stop what I am doing and pay attention to him instead. 

As for asking how my day was, I know he is not actually interested and is picking for information if he does ask. I actually try not to share my day with him as much as possible because he's the type of person who thinks if you tell him a problem he has to help you or suggest ways to fix it and usually I just want to vent. My job is not very different from day to day so there isn't much to tell either.

Other things like movies I really like or music I really like he avoids like the plague, it's almost as if he thinks anything I like will be stupid. I've had to force him to watch my favorite movies. While I don't expect him to enjoy every film I like, I watch all of his favorite movies and take interest into what he likes. We do have common likes on movies and music so we tend to just stick to that stuff.

I have noticed the lack of interest in anything I like and it is annoying.

[Lifewriter16]

Nope, mssalty. The only time he asks is when he's trying to get me back when he makes an effort at small talk, then he reverts to showing no interest whatsoever.

Lifewriter x

[Cat Familiar]

It's amazing how poor his conversational skills are. I think that's why he tends to attract narcissists because they will talk about themselves and he doesn't need to say or do anything. I'm just amazed at the lack of follow-up questions when I talk about something, unless he somehow feels threatened and insecure and in that case he might ask something really off topic. Otherwise he will just let the subject drop or change it to something he wants to talk about.

When he has talked on the phone or spent time with an acquaintance (I can't say that he really has friends and I think his seeming lack of interest in others has something to do with it), I will ask all sorts of questions about that person if I know them, and he can't answer the simplest things. He's somewhat of a good listener if someone is in crisis but he still doesn't ask follow up questions to show his interest.

He will try to be charming to the grocery store clerk or the woman at the bagel shop and ask about their day, but it comes across as so rote and meaningless.

He's out of town for a couple of days and he called me an hour ago--and said nothing. Hey--you called--you must have something to say, but no. I'm supposed to make conversation. Really I've had nothing much to share today. The horse veterinarian came and gave them their shots and then we talked and laughed for almost two hours. Yet having a two minute conversation with my husband on the phone is filled with awkward silences. 

[misterfire17]

Mssalty this is a great question:

I always say that my wife wants to do anything I want to do... .as long as it is what she wants to do. My wife asks me about my day and then continues to look at the internet on her tablet. The next day she will bait me and not ask then be upset because I didn't share- wow. She wants me to listen to her every word and validate, mirror, paraphrase- every active listening skill. If I don't then watch out. Unfortunately my wife is so self absorbed in controlling everything in her life and me that she really doesn't even notice what is going on around her.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My w gets upset if I don't get emotionally worked up about things she's worked up about... .

She's been working on a letter to submit to the state's public comment board about something to do with our school policy.  3 weeks now and she's still organizing her thoughts, but every night she reiterates how upset she is and rehashes her arguements... .

Usually she ends up upset at me because I'm not as upset as she is... .Yes, it's a dumb policy, but I have no desire to go through life upset because dumb things exist.

[Cat Familiar]

My w gets upset if I don't get emotionally worked up about things she's worked up about... .Usually she ends up upset at me because I'm not as upset as she is... .Yes, it's a dumb policy, but I have no desire to go through life upset because dumb things exist.

I get this too!    I'm a very unemotional person. I figure why be upset about things I cannot personally change? If I want to try to change something, then I'll do what it takes, but why get emotional about it? The emotions just get in the way.  

Being unemotional about something my husband is all worked up about comes across as invalidating and he thinks that I don't care.

Have you ever pretended to be emotional about something when you weren't? I've done this at times, but I figure it's just validating the invalid.

[Circle]

Well, when my pwBPD is trying to get my interest, they start reading my authors, and playing the music I'm interested in. When I'm a bad guy though, all that drops. Actually, once my pwBPD has my attention and interest ignited again, it all drops. It's so contrived, which is what makes it so blatantly obvious. We don't live together, so other things will change too, when we are OFF. I won't hear from them as much either, on the telephone, unless I call.

[copeland]

I can relate to both the disinterest and Misterfire17's comment on the tablet use!  My uBPD wife also does not show much interest in anything that I like but she is not invested in. At times when it comes to describing anything that I do like the words "stupid" and "crappy" come up - your stupid show or your crappy music.  When it comes to describing my day, I am the one that brings up the topic, and I feel that it has to be done in either 30 words or 30 seconds or less, whichever is quicker!  At one time I was describing a great day that I had, and she said, politely, that she was sorry but she stopped listening and was not really interested in my enthusiasm, which kind of shut down my willingness to share for a long while! She does spend a HUGE amount of time on her tablet though with Twitter, Facebook, blogs, and game apps - I feel that it allows her to talk to and communicate with other people, but not put herself at any risk of exposure or being potentially hurt, and to let her deal with or ignore things whenever she wants. Even though it may seem like a good thing to her, I think that it just allows her to hide from normal human life and interaction - if you don't place yourself in a position where you have to learn how to deal with things as they arise, like real person to person contact, you never will!

[waverider]

My wife is low functioning and has few deep interests of her own, and as a result she lives her life through me, my achievements are hers, my interests are hers. Much of it is just mirroring, a lot of it is adoptive.

There are a lot of things I do that she simply is blind to. eg posting on here i can do it while she is in the same room and all she needs do is glance at the screen to see it, but she seems to have a selective blindness to many things, and what I am doing on the computer is one of them.

So I guess she is black and white in her selection as to what she is interested in or not.

Of course when she does get on a fad or obsession it overrides everything.

[toomanyeggshells]

Nope, uBPDbf shows no interest and in fact tries to stop me from doing things that interest me.  Example, I started running a few years ago and signed up to run a very long (for me) race.  Every single time I went out to run, he rolled his eye or made some comment about me not spending time with him to run.  When I decided not to run the race (my decision because I wasn't ready), he was disappointed that I wasn't doing it.  Makes no sense ... .do everything to dissuade me and give me no support at all and then be disappointed when I don't do it.  Its like that with everything because he wants me to do nothing but be attached to him 24/7.

[waverider]

  Its like that with everything because he wants me to do nothing but be attached to him 24/7.

Do you think you have met that expectation too much that he thinks it is a realistic expectation.

[toomanyeggshells]

Do you think you have met that expectation too much that he thinks it is a realistic expectation.

Good question.  There have definitely been times over the last 6-1/2 years we've lived together that I've given things up for him ... .things that I wanted to do but didn't for fear of "rocking the boat".  However, more recently I've put that behind me and do things that I want regardless of his issues.  I know that nothing I do or don't do will change his behavior so I might as well take care of myself. 

[waverider]

Whether you feel good or bad about yourself feeds back into the relationship. Hence looking after yourself first is not as self serving as it may seem.

[goateeki]

Exactly what you describe contributed greatly to the end of my marriage.  It's a very real thing with pwBPD, I think.

The happy thing is that I've found that it doesn't take all that much for someone to show interest.  Simply looking at me when I'm speaking (something I went without for 20 years) is often enough to make me feel connected and happy.