Why do they contact?

[confusedandangry]

Good afternoon everyone... .I hope you all are doing well.  I have maintained no contact, as much as possible... .I had a slight set back while checking my pintrest for recipes, my exBPDgf had pins come up, which I don't know why... I'm not following her.  She is obviously planning a wedding now with my replacement.  It took me by surprise for a few hours, but I have moved forward from that because I remember her pushing me towards marriage.  But, other than that situation, I have had no contact since March 15th and it has allowed me to begin healing.  I am at a place where I can be happy just hanging out with friends, family and myself.  I find joy in the small things and my T is impressed with my progress.  The last thing my ex stated to me, after being dramatic over 3 beach towels, that I told her she could have... .that I wanted my items returned (which was over $200 worth of items) she said nevermind she would sacrifice her towels to just be done with me.  She wanted nothing else from me when I took control over the conversation... NOW SHE NEEDS SOMETHING... she can't find her spare car key.  She asked me if I packed it after she left... .I told her yes... .she is now blowing my email up about this.  Why is it they won't respond to us, but will get pissed when we don't respond to them?  I tried being polite, direct to the point and cut things off in a decent manner... .she was the one that left.  She won't respond if I need my things and I don't keep texting... .but she does... .sorry guys... .I am frustrated.  My family and friends just have no clue the emotional abuse I went thru in this relationship... .I kept everything a secret so they would like her. 

[Tomacini]

Well short story: it's always about them, never about you with BPD.

She doesnt care about your towels but lo and behold if it's about HER key.

They cant help it, they cant look inwards to their own feelings and shortcomings. This would literally destroy their already severly wounded ego

[tryingsome]

Well contact is never about the physical things: the key, the towel, the whatever you are fighting about.

It's really about knowing that your are there. That they need you. These requests are nothing more to confirm you are still in their life. That you are sticky.

Sometimes I think they emotional dysregualtion is a misnomer. The biggest problem I found with my exBPD is she could not separate time. That somehow the past, present, and future got all muddled up. So these 'triggers' or instant moments of rage are nothing than timelines getting all messed up. It's the reason they can't forgive or forget. Every moment they relive over and over, or into the future. There are times when she seemed in a different time zone. So when I look back at their anger, their need to hold on; it's cause that is all they know. It all seems a tough life, constantly coming up for air.

So, really this communication with her will go on indefinitely unless you disallow it. Neither choice is right or wrong, the only choice is making sure it is right for you. 

[confusedandangry]

Do I respond to her?  I am over it all honestly... .I have my days where I miss what I thought was real, but thru extensive therapy and a strong faith... .I have pushed forward.  This woman left me suicidal, and I am in a really great place.  I could care less whether she finds the key or not.  I just really don't want to give her control over me anymore.  This forum has helped me so much and I come to here to decide what it is I need to do... .as far as I'm items... .I will replace them.  It is not that vital... .

[Lucky Jim]

She won't respond if I need my things and I don't keep texting... .but she does... .sorry guys... .I am frustrated.

It's a double standard, C&A.  If she needs something, then its urgent; if you need something, who cares?  Just the way it is with BPD.  It sounds like you are starting to heal, which is great news.  It takes time, so don't rush it.  I agree with you about your items.  It's just "stuff" and can be replaced, perhaps with things that carry no memories or connotations with them.  As you note, you're in the driver's seat now and she has no control.  Keep moving forward!

LuckyJim

[Survivingher]

im three weeks from kicking my out of the house and she seems to find some reason to contact me every 3-4 days  they all seem like reasonable reason, but not necessary.  id never contact her for the reasons she is contacting me. id just be done and move on.  tryingsome is right.  its just knowing you are there.  mine maintained contact with no less than 4 exes while she was with me.  some she would just anger and get them raging on her, some she would take to court for silly reasons, some she would just send a random text to every week or so.  always had to have a ball in the air.  even when things were good.   I look back at the first time she charmed me back and the patience involved.  its amazing and absolutely must require forethought.  mine goes nuts if she is ignored.  I was a backup guy at first and when she charmed the first guy back, he had a girlfriend (or at least pretended to) and it drove her crazy.  she chased him for months.  when she finally caught him and they were a couple again, she started calling me within 3 weeks.  it truly is crazy making. 

[Fr4nz]

Well contact is never about the physical things: the key, the towel, the whatever you are fighting about.

It's really about knowing that your are there. That they need you. These requests are nothing more to confirm you are still in their life. That you are sticky.

Sometimes I think they emotional dysregualtion is a misnomer. The biggest problem I found with my exBPD is she could not separate time. That somehow the past, present, and future got all muddled up. So these 'triggers' or instant moments of rage are nothing than timelines getting all messed up. It's the reason they can't forgive or forget. Every moment they relive over and over, or into the future. There are times when she seemed in a different time zone. So when I look back at their anger, their need to hold on; it's cause that is all they know. It all seems a tough life, constantly coming up for air.

So, really this communication with her will go on indefinitely unless you disallow it. Neither choice is right or wrong, the only choice is making sure it is right for you.  

Yours is an interesting point. In fact, I also think that they bring with themselves past traumas which they re-live and replay across different relationships. Hence, the muddled up timelines, which get even more chaotic as the time passes.

[confusedandangry]

Mine kept in contact with her exes as well.  I didn't know they were her exes... .she told me they were just friends and I had no reason not to believe her.  I know now that she has been able to contact them when she wants and they would jump at the chance to do for her... .I am the ONLY one that refuses to communicate.  The healthier I get, the more I resent her for everything she has done.  If she is trying to figure out if I am still around, she is wasting her time that she could focus on my replacement.  She unblocked me on fb, I saw it and blocked her because I just do not want anything to do with her.  If she asked me about the dog she walked off and left me with... .I might would respond, but not about a freaking key.  I feel for the replacement.  I see that she dates people way older than she is so they can take care of her.  I took care of everything from her kids, her, the dogs, the house, the bills, etc... .I think she finds parent replacements.  Anyone else have this issue?

[Survivingher]

Yes, Yes, and Yes.   I paid all of mines bills  all of them.   roughly 4k monthly.  she didn't work.  all her exes were old.  I was the youngest ex she had at 14 years older.  she totally wants taken care of, but its still not enough.  as soon as she has you smitten, she looks for replacement.  she doesn't speak to her parents.  they are very wealthy and she was given everything, but they weren't good parents in her estimation.  thus, she finds new parents in all her partners and she uses sex to do it.  she really is stunning to look at so of course these old dudes go nuts for her.  im older, but look really young and I think it bothered her.  she asked me one time why I don't get off as fasts as her exes did when I was with her.  I replied that I had dated a lot of beautiful women so I wasn't desperate like her old dudes.  she hated that and rolled her eyes.  im like you in that I don't reach out to her.  not gonna lie, I loved being with her and I do miss her, but im not gonna chase her or be one of her balls in the air.  if we hook up again, itll be because she pursued me.  if she doesn't, thatll be that.  gotta have some self respect.  I think she knows that I don't play her games.  one thing that's always amazing to me.  some of our fights and her fights with exes were really bad and involved the police.  you think thatd be enough for them, but its not.  they still come back. they come back for different reasons. money is one of them.  they also come back because they are trying to make a connection that they didn't have with a parent, work.  it why they chase after you.  they cant let that connection die.  it gets pretty psychological.  the other reason is power. at least my girl.  she has to win and she has to control.   the thought of you giving love, money, narcissistic supply to someone else is just more than she can take.  she doesn't want anyone having what she thinks is rightfully hers even if she doesn't want you anymore. so they fight like hell to get you back and to show whoever your dating that they are in charge.  once you are wrapped up again... .see ya... .rinse repeat.    if you not have emotional attachment to them, you could easily play their game over and over.   whoever cares the least wins.   you think you need to constantly reassure them how you feel, but to get them to chase you its the opposite.  pretend to have moved on. make them work for it.   quite frankly they should work for it after all the pain they cause.   

[confusedandangry]

I haven't moved on to anyone else, because I am not trusting my judgement of others.  But, I definitely do not want her back, even if she crawled on her hands and knees.  I really just want her to live with her foolishness and suffer.  She has hurt enough people, including her children.  She has a job, she is just focused on her needs and not of others.  She needed her nails, hair and a new car over a place to live.  She lived with her mother at the age of 34, prior to living with me.  Shoot, she wouldn't even pay child support for her children that she didn't have but 4 days a month.  She used sex as a tool to get what she wanted as well, but she couldn't do that with me... .I didn't allow her to. 

[Survivingher]

Funny.  Mine also chose skin care and nails over a place to live at the time.  She is now back with another ex who is married but keeping her up.  She's 34.   I think I'll know I'm healthier when I'm not on this board.  You seem good.  Why are you on here?

[paperlung]

I noticed my BPD ex-girlfriend of three years ago only contacts me when she needs something. Never does she just genuinely want to say hello and see how I'm doing. They're parasites.

[Survivingher]

its true.  I honestly don't think anything will ever make them happy.  the perfect man doesn't exist. winning the lottery. nothing.  they really don't have empathy even for themselves.   and I hate it for them.  I used to just look at my ex and be sad for her.  I know its not her fault.  its not fair.  deep down she wants love, but has no idea what it is.  all she knows is survival.  that's why we are here.  we want to rescue them from themselves.  but we cant.  google the tortoise and scorpion story.  so true.

[confusedandangry]

I am doing good... .I have my days where I just need to vent. And since no one knows what I have been through, I come here.  I feel comfort posting on the boards when I get frustrated.  It is also better to post here rather than just tell her exactly what I want to say.  I also comment on others and tell them what helped me to grow stronger.  Today, my phone was in my pocket and I pocket dialed her... .I hung up after one ring, but that opened the door for her to call me back to back several times... .I sent a text stating I was sorry, I pocket dialed her.  She continued to call me... .each time I just sent her to voice mail.  Finally she has stopped.  3 weeks ago, I would have answered the call and jumped at the moment... .but not anymore.  I have nothing to say... .I have kept her text in case I have to place a restraining order... .that was how I pocket dialed.  And by the way... .I hope everyone is having a beautiful day. 

[Survivingher]

3 weeks ago you would have jumped at the moment and answered her call.   sounds like you are about 3 weeks ahead of me.  what changed and how do I get there.   I hear you about no one understanding.  people that haven't been through just don't get it.  that's why im here also.  one therapist told me that people like her are only capable of giving you m & m s when you want a full meal, and that's ok as long as you are happy with m & m s the rest of your life.

[Survivingher]

my dynamic might be somewhat different in that I kicked mine out of my house essentially breaking up with her although she had been living in guest room for weeks after breaking up with me.  so who knows who broke up with who in her mind.  shes very proud and I don't know that she will every get like yours is now about calling over and over if she thinks I left.  at the same time, she knows the last straw was her stealing from me and going to Florida to visit an ex.(although she claims he is 400 lbs and in a wheelchair now)  idk, doesn't matter.  she still lied and stole from me.  so she knows she messed up.   so far she calls every 3-4 days with a fairly reasonable question.  idk

[confusedandangry]

Honestly the one thing that has helped me the most is doing the things I use to love.  My ex stopped me from enjoying life... .I ate the crap food she ate and gained a ton of weight, and I am now eating healthy and losing the weight.  I am getting involved with my friends again, even though they have no clue the hell I have been through.  I am not having a great day at the moment... .I just found out she is engaged to my replacement and the wedding is the day she and I first met... .the colors are the same as we chose... .seems like I get one foot ahead, just to have it stepped on.  But, I am trying to focus on the positive... .they do not change... .

[Lucky Jim]

Honestly the one thing that has helped me the most is doing the things I use to love.  My ex stopped me from enjoying life... .I ate the crap food she ate and gained a ton of weight, and I am now eating healthy and losing the weight.  I am getting involved with my friends again, even though they have no clue the hell I have been through.

Hey C&A, In my view, these are all really positive signs.  As to your Ex, you can't control what she does or even what colors she chooses for her wedding, so I suggest that you let it go.  Focus on the things within your control, i.e., yourself.

LJ