Call me a glutton for punishment ... .but does anyone here think that she will come back ... .? If so what should I do. ... .

I wanted to respond to wanttoknowmore's message that I agree with in part- to take care of yourself and build yourself up but what concerned me was the indirect messages to the ex through the sister, especially buying gifts to show you have money. Would you really want someone to be in a relationship with you for your money?  Would you be left wondering if that someone liked you or only your money? Also any indirect messaging or doing things with intent to influence someone else is a basis for co-dependency and although it may attract your ex, the same kinds of relationship issues that are causing you to be distressed may continue.

But if you want to work with a therapist to heal your wounds, learn to be emotionally healthy for yourself and  then be open to attract someone who is also capable of an emotionally healthy relationship,  then I think working with a counselor to be that person, is an idea to pursue.

I agree- weak and needy is not attractive to people in general- not just women with BPD. I encourage ASHWIN to get help to be emotionally stronger - regardless of her decision - it will help him.

Thank u wanttoknowmore and not wendy... .guys words can't describe my gratitude for ur words of wisdom. ...

Thank you livednlearned ... .

            I just need one more favor ... .can u guys tell me about me going and asking my friends to get her details and confronting her about her past was a wrong thing to do? ?

         

            I mean I now know that past is something which is best left forgotten ... .did I commit a major blunder in digging up her past ... .had this been a normal human being what would have they done ? I am a hopeless romantic and a saviour ... .I have run into a lot of trouble trying to be a rescuer be it financial or work related ... .

           I cannot see people who are suffering I used to pay for my patients medical expenses sometimes going overboard financially ending up with almost nothing in the bank... .

           Thinking back although our relationship lasted only 6 or 7 months ... .i still remember she used to even be awestruck about the way I smoked a cigarette. ... she used to say that I have a peculiar and brilliant way of holding a cigarette. ... I mean come on a the way I dress, the way I spoke the way I did whatever was just phenomenal according to her suddenly the inferior trait in me became superior ... .

          Then slowly the axe started coming down I was just madly in love with this female ... my dad after he came back from the hospital was a bit of a  handful to bear ... .he used to lose his cool on and off ... .once he had gone out with his friends that's when I took out his brand new bmw  out for a spin when i got back home he was there fretting and fuming I got it stomach full from him and this happened in front of her and I was quite scared the way he was acting out ... .I guess she sensed my fear ... .from then on she started taking liberties with me giving me ultimatums and frankly I was just becoming sick ... .so finally when I left for my training she was picking on me almost daily I got so immersed into my work that I stopped caring two hoots for her tantrums ... then she started hurling curses calling me a user cheater liar I mean come on what little respect I wasn't getting from my folks or my ex ... .my so called friends patients and other health care workers were looking uto me as if I am some sort of a great surgeon. ... I mean that was quite addictive ... .I was popular at work I still am

    That's when she started saying things like u better go n die why are u alive ur sister Hates you ... your father hates you they don't want you back blah blah blah ... .don't be a burden to them ... .I lost my cool and blew my top that's when she mercilessly blocked me and the silent treatment started ... .

        A year later that's now when I asked my dad n sis they tell me that they have never spoken anything ill about me to her atall... .

         I had a long chat with my dad and he tells me that it's a blessing in disguise that she left because had she and I been married " son you would have been a nervous wreck" that's what he said ... .

         For me my dad n sister come first they are all I have but my ex used to constantly nag me saying that I just love my dad and not her ... .she used to say I know one day you will leave me ... .alll my relationships have lasted only 6 months ... .I know you too will leave. ...

      The sane part of me keeps reminding me that she will nevr be happy with whatever I do and she will keep finding faults with me had we been together. ... but the other part longs for her ... .and the balanced side of me is just lost... .

     

ASWIN,

It is understandable that you have these strong feelings, and you can wish she would come back into your life, but nobody can say that she will or she won't- because nobody can read the mind of another person. She may, or she may not. If anyone responds to your poll, they are just guessing. We don't have any more ability to know than you do. Although people with BPD can have similar behaviors, each is a unique individual with a mind of their own, and they make their own choices. Some questions- have no absolute answers. Polling us for an answer to this question is putting your own answer in the hands of total strangers. Other people can say "no, move on" or "yes, wait", but the best answer for you is the one you choose to pursue for your own best interest, and if you don't know, therapists are skilled in helping people arrive at these kinds of decisions.

All we can do is make choices with what we know. At the moment, she has chosen to not be with you and it has been a year. I understand wanting closure, but sometimes we don't get absolutely clear closure in a relationship. If we want to recover, we have to make our own choices, even without clear closure. Going through thinking "if only, I should have " for  a long period of time isn't good for us.

Some things are not under our control. People can, and do, choose to leave a relationship. Then the person left is sad and grieving. It's OK to do this- it's something that one goes through, but then, somehow, the grieving person can choose to move on, to live a full life without the relationship, because that is possible. While people do wonder what, or why, sometimes it really just comes down to the other person making a choice. I have a couple of friends whose husbands have left them for someone else. These friends are nice, they have children, they have tried in their marriages and they are left wondering how their husbands can just throw all that away. But they do. People make all kinds of choices- good ones, not so good ones, but the bottom line is that we can not control anybody's choices, except our own.

This is your closure: She chose to leave. You may not really know all the why's, what, where, but you do know this: She chose to leave.

You have choices too. You can continue as you are- to wonder, think, and to hurt over this, or to take steps to change. None of this has any effect on her, but it could benefit you either way. If she doesn't come back, then you are an emotionally stronger person. If she does come back then you are a stronger person. If neither of the choices- to hurt, or to be stronger- will affect her decision either way, then why not choose to give yourself the chance to be emotionally healthier?

One concern about your post is your rescuer tendencies. As a surgeon, your skills have helped people, and this is a wonderful thing to do. However, in relationships, rescuing can lead to dysfunction. Boundaries in any relationship are important. If you are overly involved with your patients' personal predicaments- you could be crossing a professional boundary. Being admired, a "savior" can feel good, but also addicted- as one has to have a constant supply of admiration. It also places your happiness in someone else's hands- if you need their admiration to feel good about yourself. Boundaries involve taking care of yourself- paying for other people to the point of financially hurting yourself is crossing a boundary. Because needing admiration can be addictive- one can feel withdrawal symptoms when an addictive relationship ends.

Awestruck over everything you do- like smoking a cigarette must be a great feeling, but in an emotionally healthy relationship, people are not constantly awestruck over each other- real people are just that- humans, they do good things, they make mistakes. Perfection is a necessary goal in your job, but it can cause problems in a romantic relationship. In these, we can strive to be our best, but we are humans too.

The decision to get help, to heal, to gain healthy boundaries, to recover from this relationship is in your hands, not your ex's. It may take getting help- from therapists, counselors, support groups. It is good that you have already sought out help. She gave you her things back, but you still have hers. You can give them back to her through your sister- nothing is stopping you. If you can not do this for some reason, then you can put them away in a box, even give that box to your sister to hold on to so you don't keep looking at them. The dogs- that is harder. Even though you bought them with her, they are basically yours. You have been their main caretaker. Think about this: when people get divorced, they don't have to give away their kids or their pets to heal emotionally. Yet can recover with or without the dogs.

The ability to get closure is within you. I hope you will keep posting here and use the resources. I also hope you will reach out for professional help with this.

Notwendy it's not that I am a rescuer type ... .I just can't see people die because they have no money. ... .I don't do it for being praised no no way that's not me... .I hate to see people suffering ... .and definitely it's not these people who praise me for I never tell them that I am the one who paid their bills... .there is only one thing that gives me immense pleasure that's my surgeries ...

      It's my bed side manners and my meds which make my patients adore me ... .

       I wanted to save her from her past experience but when I got to know about her past I wad shattered how can 6 or 7 guys just be nasty to such a doting female. .

        Major fights started when she once said remember god is watching all ur doings against me u lost ur mum at an early age gods been kind enough to give you another mother figure in my form I just laughed it off and told her my mother was a saintly person never ever think that ur close to what my mother was. ... .she used to brag about what her peers used to tell her they used to say that she was a model of some sort again I laughed it off I do agrre she is pretty but not a model type... .

      I don't know why I did all that jow it's all coming to bite me in the ass... .and the whole thing is just too much to bear...

        I have other females who are contacting me better younger ones but I just don't want and not am in the mood for flirting anymore. ... naah that's not me

         I have made up my mind ... .I don't want this woman in my life like how she said to my sibling I regret getting to meet her... .

         I guess I should have dumped her the very week I got to know about her. ... .she sat in my car crying and recording my voice ... .I should have never looked back. ... .but since the weak person that I am ... .on seeing how much she professed her love for me I should have considered about what people warned me

     Shucks I just feel as if I am a misfit in  life. ...

I have been a pure spectator of this forum for the last 8 months or so ... .finally I decided on joining this site ... .please folks all of u reading this kindly take some time off ur busy schedule and throw in some words there have been over 1000 views to my posts kindly jot something down ... .after all we are all here to help one another right. ... .I mean my experience may come across as something childish to most of you but believe me when a person is hoping against hope which in reality is just a stupid thing to do ... .a few kind words are all what's needed to mend someone's shattered sense of being. ... .thank you all once again

Thanks once again not wendy. ... .I guess you guys didn't respond to one important question of mine... .was I wrong in finding out about her previous relationships and confronting her?

Livednlearned I don't see ur point ... .Okay let's say pardon me for my transgressions I'm just trying to get your point of view. ... .let's say suppose u n I are in a relationship I mean we are just getting to know each other and in comes the wastreles the so called good Samaritans telling me to stay away from you and I go n find out about you and confront you about having so many exes and obviously how would you react to it ... .don't you think that I too went overboard with my ex in doing that. ... I mean won't you feel helpless ... .I'm sorry I just don't have any other means of making you understand my take on thks matter... .

    I just drove a 150 miles up n down at 3 am  yesterday just to see her place ... .I saw her car parked in her house ... .I mean if she has someone she should be spending time with him right she is at home ... .and yet why this animosity towards me ... .

let's say suppose u n I are in a relationship I mean we are just getting to know each other and in comes the wastreles the so called good Samaritans telling me to stay away from you and I go n find out about you and confront you about having so many exes and obviously how would you react to it

What's done is done and so re-enacting this in your mind is not helping you.

I can tell you how I would react to this, but I am not her and I don't have BPD. But if you wish to know, I would feel as if you had violated my privacy by prying into my personal life. This may be information you wish to have but the way to do this is to approach someone directly, not pry. I would be angry that someone snooped into my background instead of asking me.

ASHWIN, you are very distressed over her and as much as you want some kind of answer to whether there is hope for the two of you, asking strangers is not going to get an answer based on her feelings. We don't know them. This is also indirectly trying to get information about her that only she can tell you. The only way to get an answer is to ask her. And if she tells you no, believe her. Because to respect her and her boundaries, you need to respect her wishes.

As well as her privacy. Driving all night to get information about where she is sleeping is spying.

She isn't doing all this- you are- and you have the choice to continue this, or not, and/or seek counseling to help you deal with your feelings as this is distressing you.

What can you do when she has stated she does not want to be contacted by you, even to the point that the cops are involved?

One option would be - that if you care about her- you would respect her feelings and stop stalking her.

I can't tell you if either of you have BPD- none of us on this board can make diagnoses of anyone.

I hope that you will seek out professional help to deal with your feelings. I think that the posters here can share information about getting over a relationship. This board is here to support each other. But none of us are able to change anyone's mind- hers or yours. In any relationship there needs to be respect for each persons boundaries. This includes your exes boundaries. You may have reasons to see her place and her car, but whatever they are- it is stalking - and that violates a boundary. You wanting to do this doesn't change her boundary.

This kind of behavior is not being kind or caring to her- and not to you either- as it does not serve you to heal from the relatipnship. It also won't be good for you- or your career. I hope you will get some professional help to help yourself stop doing this .

I think it all depends on how well you know your partner. My ex threatened me with restraining order in a text when she ran away. I didn't see her face-to-face until she made a move by coming into my studio and leaving her copies of my car and studio keys, as well as the money for the engagement ring, while I was at work. I drove over to her place and had a chat with her. Her roommates didn't even bother to prevent me from entering because they knew something was off with her recent actions.


From my experience, my ex did have feelings. From the above-mentioned situation (this past Wednesday) She didn't slam her room door in my face and asked me to go away. In fact, she allowed me in and we talked for hours... .to the point that we got intimate. Part of her mindset was that we had those physical and emotional intimacies while we dated. My circumstances are obviously much different as she and I were each other's first physical relationship. In fact, the following night when she finally decided to drive off, she mentioned how there was no way for her to be near me and not want to have some sort physical engagement.

Of course, complications may happen... .as I'm hoping she didn't get pregnant from our recent encounter... .

My ex and I got back together two months after our first break up. Three weeks later, there was a fallout and then we made up a week later. In my mind, things worked out just fine until mid-April this year and it took a month to resolve almost everything.

But, according to her, we had a fallout some time in October. Then, December, and again in February. I'm pretty sure what they consider as transgressions and actual timeline of events are vastly different than what you perceived. What I thought of as having minor hiccups during those times were obviously mountains to her.

I'm so sorry to read that it's been a year. I hope that you are coping well. I wish I could say more, but I'm a newb to these things and I'm just experiencing what appears to be a pretty permanent break up even though there are still indicators of it not being completely over yet.