What if I set too many boundaries with sick mother?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So I'm in my 40s, my mom is 70 and homeless. She has been diagnosed bipolar before but may well also be BPD -- she has always painted people black and such. It's only in the last year that I wondered if she has both. Anyway, she is paranoid and lives on the street and imagines things. Years ago, I used to let her stay at my house a few nights here and there, and give her money. But I have little kids now and I just can't expend any more emotional energy on her. She calls me several times a day (sometimes) at work and I listen to a few crazy words and simply hang up.

But the thing is, she hobbles when she walks. She is not healthy. She could die tomorrow... .or next year... .or five years from now. Nobody knows. I have set the ultimate boundaries in that I just can't stand talking to her, so after maybe 30 years of letting her call and yell, I just don't allow it anymore.

But could I be going too far? I've gotten so complacent with her being around all my life, I'm just worrying that I don't really know what it feels like to lose a parent and when it happens, I'll feel terrible. I just can't allow her to ruin my life.

I guess I think I'm mostly doing the right thing by shutting her out. And she did come by for her birthday. She is just so impossible to deal with that I can't even listen to her for a minute when she's ranting. She was on medication about 7 years ago and was great for 1-2 years, but then she got off it. I can't force her on it or into a hospital until she's a danger. (Actually, I got her into one last year but they let her out after a week.)

[momtara]

So I'm in my 40s, my mom is 70 and homeless. She has been diagnosed bipolar before but may well also be BPD -- she has always painted people black and such. It's only in the last year that I wondered if she has both. Anyway, she is paranoid and lives on the street and imagines things. Years ago, I used to let her stay at my house a few nights here and there, and give her money. But I have little kids now and I just can't expend any more emotional energy on her. She calls me several times a day (sometimes) at work and I listen to a few crazy words and simply hang up.

But the thing is, she hobbles when she walks. She is not healthy. She could die tomorrow... .or next year... .or five years from now. Nobody knows. I have set the ultimate boundaries in that I just can't stand talking to her, so after maybe 30 years of letting her call and yell, I just don't allow it anymore.

But could I be going too far? I've gotten so complacent with her being around all my life, I'm just worrying that I don't really know what it feels like to lose a parent and when it happens, I'll feel terrible. I just can't allow her to ruin my life.

I guess I think I'm mostly doing the right thing by shutting her out. And she did come by for her birthday. She is just so impossible to deal with that I can't even listen to her for a minute when she's ranting. She was on medication about 7 years ago and was great for 1-2 years, but then she got off it. I can't force her on it or into a hospital until she's a danger. (Actually, I got her into one last year but they let her out after a week.)

[HappyChappy]

Hi Momtara,

I’m so sorry to hear about your dilemma. If you look at this logically, from what you say, other than encouraging your mom towards medical support for her Bi-Polar what else can you do ? There’s no sense in damaging your health if there’s no long term benefit for your mom.  As we know a BPD of you mom’s age won’t change. There is, frustratingly, only so much we can do.

But that’s logically, I know emotionally it’s a lot more complicated.  I’ve been NC for a number of years as my NPD & BPD due are very aggressive and abusive. But they put us in this “My way or no way” scenario. That’s their choice not ours. Their making no ours.

On the how will we feel when an estranged parents dies point, thread on this forum have told me that many of us have already grieved the mother we should have had, long time ago. So grief is ironically easier.  Wishing you peace in what must be a difficult time.  

[Kwamina]

Edit: Crossposted with HappyChappy!

Hi momtara

It is very sad that your mother is having these mental health problems and is now also homeless. How long

has she been living in the streets?

She does call you several times a day, where is she when she makes those calls? Does she perhaps sometimes stay in homeless shelters?

I definitely understand the point you make about needing to be there for your little kids. Your kids need you and I understand that you are making them your number one priority.

Yet she is still your mother of course and I can imagine that setting these boundaries isn't easy for you. Your mother was doing better when she was on medication 7 years ago. Do you know why she got off the medication? Did she perhaps believe she didn't need them anymore because everything was going well at the time?

Take care

[momtara]

Well, my mom has been on the street for more than 15 years now. She gets her check and stays in hotels, but that's expensive, so she runs out of money and sleeps on subways etc. When she visits, she starts off ok and then starts yelling at me about stuff. The kids love her but get scared and have had nightmares after her visits, and she says things in appropriate that make them worry (they are young). I have forced her off the street and into facilities several times, and got her a low-income apt years ago. She stayed in it for 2 years, took her medicine, but eventually stopped the medicine and just walked out. I can't say I feel that guilty anymore - yes, I did mourn the mother I should have had, years ago. Still, I've always known she's around. At my age I may be in for a rude awakening when she passes away. I still let her call at times, so I guess I'm not fully NC. It's hard to decide on the right boundaries. I really have done all I can up to this point. I used to let her live in my apt but it's just too taxing at this stage.

My ex-H is definitely BPD. I guess my mother set the stage for that marriage.  I suppose the next time my mom calls I will let her rant a bit. I just can't overdo it. I want to be kind but I can't be a punching bag.

[Notwendy]

This is a difficult situation and I don't think there is one way to handle it. For me as a parent, I had to err on the side of my own sanity and my children's and this included me being as emotionally present for them as possible. My mother's needs could be overwhelming, but if I allow them to take over my emotions, then the two of us would be an emotional mess. I can't fix her or save her from the consequences of her issues.

My mother is not homeless thankfully, but it is sad that she is not very connected to her kids or grandkids. Yet this isn't because of our wrong doing. It is the result of the situation.

I have lost a the only parent I felt was my parent: my father, and it was tough.  My connection to my mother is not mother-daughter closeness... I do draw on religion- honor your parents- when I relate to her, but this doesn't mean we are close to them. In summary, we can try to do our best in what is not an easy situation.

This too me doesn't mean I don't honor myself, my sanity or my boundaries. It means I do my best in the situation at hand- to not cause her harm, to try to listen, to not be cruel and to maintain contact as much as I can and still keep my sanity. For some people that limit is NC. Others have different ways. There is not one way- all situations are different. For you it may mean getting social services involved if you think your mother is in danger. If you live in the US, she would have medicare for medical expenses. All we can do is try our best, whatever that is.

[katydid27]

FWIW, I think you could keep your boundaries for the PRESENT time.  Because they work for you TODAY in the here and now.

And you could allow yourself to become  ok with grieving/feeling bad when it is time to grieve in the FUTURE.  Deal with future feelings THEN.  Don't try to "pre-process" them now or do pretzel bending things to avoid processing them later.

Could let each time have it's space.  The today stuff is TODAY.  The future stuff is FUTURE.

I don't see where it benefits you to get loosey goosey on your TODAY boundaries that are working for you "just in case" you feel sad when she passes.

Know what? It's ok and appropriate to feel sad, have regrets, be angry, etc while grieving. Grief contains a LOT of feelings within it. Don't jump the gun though.

Katydid

[momtara]

Very true Katydid, and thank you everyone. I do project into the future and worry too much.

[busybee1116]

FWIW, I think you could keep your boundaries for the PRESENT time.  Because they work for you TODAY in the here and now.

And you could allow yourself to become  ok with grieving/feeling bad when it is time to grieve in the FUTURE.  Deal with future feelings THEN.  Don't try to "pre-process" them now or do pretzel bending things to avoid processing them later.

Could let each time have it's space.  The today stuff is TODAY.  The future stuff is FUTURE.

I don't see where it benefits you to get loosey goosey on your TODAY boundaries that are working for you "just in case" you feel sad when she passes.

Know what? It's ok and appropriate to feel sad, have regrets, be angry, etc while grieving. Grief contains a LOT of feelings within it. Don't jump the gun though.

I appreciate what you wrote here. Very thought provoking.

[Notwendy]

This is a great reminder about doing our best in the situation we have now.

Boundaries are important, and yet, over time, some can change and some do not.

Some people need stronger boundaries with their disordered family member than others, since situations are different.

In my case, some boundaries have changed. However, my mother thankfully is not homeless and she does have access to medical care.

When I was starting to form my own boundaries, I could not stay at her house. It was too stressful. I learned that if she started to dysregulate, I could leave the room. Once she got the message that, if she speaks to me like that, I will not participate, she had to make a choice about if she wanted me to visit her. At first, I could not spend more than a short time with her, but now, I can. Part of this is paying attention to my own stress when with her and not staying too long for my own peace of mind.

When my children were younger, I had tighter boundaries around visits. I knew my mother would not harm them. However, she doesn't respect boundaries and I wanted them to be confident in their own. Now that they are older and understand her illness and have their own boundaries, I am less protective. I still have boundaries, but know that they can protect themselves, say no, walk away if they need to. Part of parenting is teaching children to have these skills, and so now, the boundaries are different, because I know my children can hold on to theirs.

So, boundaries can possibly change over time, but we deal with the present.