The conundrum of working with uBPDexgf

[Dhand77]

Hey all.

So I managed to keep no contact for close to two months. I switched my lunch hour and routines around to avoid her like the school yard bully. Luckily, I went on vacation for a week and started to make really solid progress in healing. Then I came back to work and got sucked right back into her vortex.

While I was gone, she started friending my co-workers on Facebook(only the males). When they refused her requests, she painted them black and became very rude and hostile towards them. I foolishly let my anger get the best of me, and I ended up feeding the emotional vampire that she is. I sent her a not quite angry but definitely smart assed message, mainly stating leave my co-workers alone, leave me alone, I know all about the guy she cheated on me with and maybe she should get off the barstool with her loser rebound and get see a therapist for her BPD.

I was immediately gas lighted and told me I was crazy... The next morning outside of work, while I was talking with a female co-worker. She walked up and physically shoulder checked me like a hockey player and threatened me with a restraining order if I came near her. After this, I discovered she has been telling horrid lies about me in the building. That I was abusive, that I was mean and manipulative. This is completely not true. I have a whole list of exgf's that I am on great terms with that would gladly state otherwise. This week, I found out she's slept with two other guys in the building. I have become a master at going invisible and hiding from this person. I always knew a break up with someone I worked with was going to be awkward, but this has just been a mindf**k on a whole other level. Now, now I'll never break no contact ever again. This is the first time in my life, I've been completely afraid of a woman. But what I'm more scared of is the depths she stooping to to try to make me jealous and break contact.

Why are they so spiteful? Why does the "painted black" make them hate us so much. That week we broke up, she was so distant. I was doing everything I could to let her know I love her. I wrote her love notes. I texted her "I love yous" constantly, I bought her flowers two days before being discarded. I was a really good, honest, loyal and dedicated boyfriend. Now it feels like she won't be stop hating me until I kill myself or something.(Don't worry, I'm awesome, that'll never happen). It's just been the BIGGEST MINDF**K I've ever had the displeasure of being part of.

[once removed]

hi Dhand77 

i can imagine just how challenging it would be dealing with an ex (PD or not) in the workplace. i think it was a great step to switch your lunch hour and your routine, as well as take a vacation and clear your mind.

there is a lot of potential for drama in the workplace, especially with tempers flaring. the best advice i can give you is to continue to remove yourself from that drama - avoid reacting, avoid initiating. chances are things will die down.

it is clear you are hurting as a result of all of this, thats understandable. that hurt can cloud our judgment and we may react on impulse, which can tend to make the situation worse. remember, she holds no power over you that you do not give her - easier said than put into practice, i know. this is where learning about BPD can help - it can give you some idea of what to expect and how to react, or not.

ps

"Gaslighting" is phrase coined after the movie of a sane but criminal mind deliberately causing another person to question their own sanity, for their own monetary gain.

pwBPd have a deluded sense of reality, although the action may seem like the above example of "gaslighting" it is not a correct description and can lead us down the wrong track of assumptions. What you have in this case is the "perpetrator", for want of a better term, having a faulty, or delusional version of reality. At the best it is a disregard for your reality other than what they want it to be. Often simply to validate their own feeling of the moment.

In short it is a sign of their own lack of reality. The effect may seem the same but the underlying reasons are entirely different. Without fully grasping the true reasoning behind this behavior, it is hard to isolate yourself from it.

The term "gaslighting" as a result is avoided by clinicians in mental health, as it carries with it inaccurate conotations

"Isolate" yourself from it is the preferred way to deal with it rather than "combat" it. In fact as a guide if you can avoid thinking about "combating" the effects of BPD you will make your life easier, as the disorder itself is often about drawing you into "combat'

[WoundedBibi]

Hey all.

So I managed to keep no contact for close to two months. I switched my lunch hour and routines around to avoid her like the school yard bully. Luckily, I went on vacation for a week and started to make really solid progress in healing. Then I came back to work and got sucked right back into her vortex.

While I was gone, she started friending my co-workers on Facebook(only the males). When they refused her requests, she painted them black and became very rude and hostile towards them. I foolishly let my anger get the best of me, and I ended up feeding the emotional vampire that she is. I sent her a not quite angry but definitely smart assed message, mainly stating leave my co-workers alone, leave me alone, I know all about the guy she cheated on me with and maybe she should get off the barstool with her loser rebound and get see a therapist for her BPD.

I was immediately gas lighted and told me I was crazy... The next morning outside of work, while I was talking with a female co-worker. She walked up and physically shoulder checked me like a hockey player and threatened me with a restraining order if I came near her. After this, I discovered she has been telling horrid lies about me in the building. That I was abusive, that I was mean and manipulative. This is completely not true. I have a whole list of exgf's that I am on great terms with that would gladly state otherwise. This week, I found out she's slept with two other guys in the building. I have become a master at going invisible and hiding from this person. I always knew a break up with someone I worked with was going to be awkward, but this has just been a mindf**k on a whole other level. Now, now I'll never break no contact ever again. This is the first time in my life, I've been completely afraid of a woman. But what I'm more scared of is the depths she stooping to to try to make me jealous and break contact.

Why are they so spiteful? Why does the "painted black" make them hate us so much. That week we broke up, she was so distant. I was doing everything I could to let her know I love her. I wrote her love notes. I texted her "I love yous" constantly, I bought her flowers two days before being discarded. I was a really good, honest, loyal and dedicated boyfriend. Now it feels like she won't be stop hating me until I kill myself or something.(Don't worry, I'm awesome, that'll never happen). It's just been the BIGGEST MINDF**K I've ever had the displeasure of being part of.

I didn't get angry. I did want some kind of closure (wrong... ) to move into some kind of friendship (wrong... ) so after we seemed to go in some kind of friendship direction after a lot of drama from him (screaming about me to another girl in a bar with me there without mentioning my name it was surreal) I sent him an email. That there really was no reason for him to think I would cheat because I had only eyes for him but him not flirting with another girl but really hitting on her in front of me was hurtful. He went berserk. He called in his flying monkeys. The bullying, the lying ("she accused me of cheating on her!", the smear campaign... urghh

Honestly I don't think there is a way to break up with a pwBPD that is also a colleague without it turning into a mess.

Take the high road. Don't stoop to her level. Change every routine you can. Avoid her at every opportunity. Distract yourself with music if possible. Little things to make working life bearable. 

[Dhand77]

Weirdly enough. As I was typing the original post out. A friend of mine posted a funny video on FB of a girl punching a weight bag in a silly manner. The uBPDexgf commented "Hahahahaha. Reminds me of someone I used to know" My friends immediately told her "Seems like someone is bitter - your the one that keeps popping up - move on". I'm so glad I have friends that have my back. I love them so much today.

BPD is terrible. The way they treat a person that loved them is deplorable. I can't believe I wanted to marry this person, when all she does now, is act like a sack of dog crap.

[WoundedBibi]

Weirdly enough. As I was typing the original post out. A friend of mine posted a funny video on FB of a girl punching a weight bag in a silly manner. The uBPDexgf commented "Hahahahaha. Reminds me of someone I used to know" My friends immediately told her "Seems like someone is bitter - your the one that keeps popping up - move on". I'm so glad I have friends that have my back. I love them so much today.

Your friends not only have your back, that's easy as hers will have her back, but they behave like adults. That last bit IMO is more important. Friends are not the people who tell you what you want to hear but the ones who tell you what you need to hear. And only adult friends can do that. Cherish them.

BPD is terrible. The way they treat a person that loved them is deplorable. I can't believe I wanted to marry this person, when all she does now, is act like a sack of dog crap.

I know. I was actually thinking if I could live on the other side of the globe as he wanted to apply for a job in Farfaraway. It went wrong between us before he ever got the call for the interview. And then he ffffed up because he was too hungover to do the interview by phone. The stupid fffffer. Now he still lives in Herehereundermynose 

[Dhand77]

Sadly, she doesn't have friends. Only a small group of guy "friends" that I have to now assume she kept on a string. Other than them, she keeps superficial relationships with people. Over the course of 4 years, I watched her paint black every family member she was close with. Her own mother, her sisters, her aunts and I foolishly thought it would never happen to me as well.

Sure, what my friends did was slightly immature, but it was validating. Every week this woman would attempt to "bait me" through different ways and before NC, she would just accuse me of being the crazy one every time I called her on it. This time, my co-worker friends called her on it and she can't call them crazy. She finally exposed herself to my entire office for what she truly is: an emotionally underdeveloped little girl that has been acting like a child that pulls the hair of the boy she really likes and making it his fault she did it, instead of saying sorry to him. And after her making me feel like I'm the crazy one for three months, she showed everyone she's the emotionally unstable one. Me? I just want to move on and forget I ever knew her.

I think in some way, she regrets breaking up with me and doesn't know how to handle those feelings. So she tries to fill that void by painting me black, being the victim and sleeping around. It's sad, but unfortunately my sympathy for her was all dried up by her heinous actions these past 3 months. Her own insecurities destroyed the best relationship of her life, and she'll probably be chasing that feeling for a long, long time.

Hopefully now she'll crawl back under her rock for awhile, leave me alone and stop baiting me to break no contact, so I can finally heal from the hell that has been my 2016 so far.

I feel great today and it's all thanks to friends that had my back.

[Anez]

Dhand:

That's great that your friends are supporting you. I work with my ex, too, and a few of my friends have seen through her mask and have cut off communications with her, too. They were good friends with her, too, but now after seeing what she did to me they have completely shut her out. And that has meant a TON to me. Before I felt alone and now I feel anything but. And that is powerful.

Keep pushing forward. And pat yourself on the back for being a good person.

[Dhand77]

Dhand:

That's great that your friends are supporting you. I work with my ex, too, and a few of my friends have seen through her mask and have cut off communications with her, too. They were good friends with her, too, but now after seeing what she did to me they have completely shut her out. And that has meant a TON to me. Before I felt alone and now I feel anything but. And that is powerful.

Keep pushing forward. And pat yourself on the back for being a good person.

After being told I was crazy for weeks by her, I felt like I was starting to believe it. Her actions yesterday just proved what I've been saying this whole time and now the entire room has my back. They didn't have to stand up for me on social media, and they did. This break up, as hard as it has been, has really begun to change me and it's been a massive positive change. I appreciate the people around me more now than I ever had before. I don't feel fully healed yet, more like 60%, but yesterday really got rid of that gaslight feeling and is a step in the right direction. She can't rattle my cage anymore, nor will I let her. I have too many people I will let down if I do.

I stopped smoking pot,I don't drink anymore, I started exercising, I started a YouTube channel for my 7 year old nephew, I stopped taking people for granted, I treasure my friendships even more than before, I've been buying a new wardrobe... .her actions are making me stronger. I don't need to sleep around with people to get over her the way she has. I'm stronger than that. I'm better than her. I'm becoming better than before, and she'll NEVER get to enjoy this new, better version of myself.

I can't wait for that "I miss you" text. So I can say "Yeah, I'd miss me too, because I'm AWESOME."

[Dhand77]

And I REALLY appreciate you folks here on the board. Your stories, your heartache, your pain let me know I'm NOT alone. We are all in this together and we'll all get through this together.

[Anez]

That's a great attitude, Dhand!

Don't get discouraged if you have small setbacks from time to time. Keep seeing her whole story (the entire mess that she is), re-read the stuff you wrote above, and keep doing great things for yourself.

and pat yourself on the darn back. you're doing great.