Texting...

[Bushido]

just wondering. . .

for all you nons out there... .

How is your BPD partner in comunication via texting?

does it create distance that can keep the BPD from rage(ing) at you?

or do you get the rage even if the communication is via text?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lifewriter16]

I find the rages are more likely by text, personally. Too little opportunity to clear up assumptions and misunderstandings.

Lifewriter x

[Bushido]

I find the rages are more likely by text, personally. Too little opportunity to clear up assumptions and misunderstandings.

i agree with you there... .

just wish i knew that a few years ago...

[tryingtohelp]

Good question,   in my case  my diagnosed BPD  SO  communicates mostly via text,  she used to send better communication by email but now it is 90% text. When I'm with her she talks about things in a general sense, or doesn't say much , sometimes sitting there texting some other guy !  At the moment, she is avoiding all my attempts at seeing her , I have no idea why , just a list of lame excuses why she isn't able to see me, this has been going on for 3 weeks, no apparent reason, but interestingly , she sent 110 texts yesterday, 86 the day before , so she will communicate by text but won't meet me, try and work that one out!  Could be a new guy ? who knows?

[livednlearned]

just wondering. . .

for all you nons out there... .

How is your BPD partner in comunication via texting?

does it create distance that can keep the BPD from rage(ing) at you?

or do you get the rage even if the communication is via text?

What's going on with texting in your relationship at the moment?

Are things fairly civil?

[Bushido]

What's going on with texting in your relationship at the moment?

Are things fairly civil?

things are really good actually... .

i´m really doing my best to use everything i´m learning here on the board to improve my communication.

i also thing that i´m at a better place emotionally . . . i mean after the big shock 3 weeks ago.

and also all the storys here have explained alot in my life that i didn´t understand then ... but did my best to react to it...

altho. . . it is really hard to read about how you should react to BPD behavior . . .the right way!

cos . . there i was doing what i thought the best way so we could work on the relationship.

But in the end . . everything i did do. . . simply ended it all!

and it just really hurts!   cos i would give my life to help my wife...

and in a way i actually did... .but i still lost her.

so i guess the answer is a split one . . . on the surface things are good. . . but still she plays the avioding game to keep her emotions in place.

but underneath for me . . . it´s just a matter of survival... .

[livednlearned]

One of the hard things about BPD relationships ending is that there is often no resolution. So coming to terms with what happened and why, that often ends up being something we have to gift ourselves.

She may be avoiding what feels like intimacy because she doesn't understand what has happened. The more validating you can be, the less shame she will feel. It's possible that what she did was impulsive (impulsivity is a struggle for many people with BPD). She may be surprised at what she did, and struggles to explain it to herself, much less you.

[Adamsky-66]

My wife always uses texts to confront me, to abuse me verbally, to end the relationship. only once, we had a f2f fight and this did not end well. she destroyed things i really liked and that had sentimental value. she tried to hit me. At this point, I was doing nothing. I just let her slide away in her delusion.

If she texts, it starts small, but the tsunami comes quickly. and mostly, it comes. rarely, she critizises me and then let it go. at the beginning sometimes. but today, she totally freaks out and comes from "you left coins in your pants that i wanted to wash" to "you destroyed my life".

The problem for me is always that i do not knwo what to do then. say nothing, validate, attack back, i have no clue.

[tryingsome]

I haven't personally had much of a problem with txting.

But I am not usually a fan of that type of communication to begin with, as such my communication tends to be slow.

I might not respond for an hour or more.

And the reason I think this is important is that I am not very reactive to a txt. Even if the txt can be construed as aggressive by the pwBPD, by the time I get around to it things have cooled off.

So the bigger lesson here might be the actual communication type, but rather the responses and reactivity we give to any communication style.

I believe that has a bigger impact on anything.

[Mars22]

Here's my story  folks. Sadly I only found this web site after the relationship was over. But, no more will I conduct myself via text to email in relationships. Its a deal breaker for me now.

I'm here if you need me... .sounds like we have a similar person in traits, Mine was a BPD waif... which makes things even harder.


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292839.0

[Bushido]

She may be avoiding what feels like intimacy because she doesn't understand what has happened. The more validating you can be, the less shame she will feel. It's possible that what she did was impulsive (impulsivity is a struggle for many people with BPD). She may be surprised at what she did, and struggles to explain it to herself, much less you.

you are very correct about this one...

it´s no accident that she has a ADHD diagnosis on her list too

she is extremely impulsive and emotional.

that plus the " leave you before you leave me" situation that triggered this all.

She is really struggling right now... .sending me texts where she seems to be trying to explain to her self why we can´t go back. . .

but she directs it at me.

when i read it . . . the first thing that comes to mind is . .

" wow ... .you really are trying to convince yourself that what you did was necessary "

[livednlearned]

How do you respond?

[Bushido]

How do you respond?

well . . .f.eks.

last night we were talking lawyer stuff ( all in a good way if i may add )

but than an hour later . . . out of the blue . .

she texts . ...

" as much as i wished this separation has been a lesson . . .an i could just come home

and our life as a married couple could continue... . 

Then i just know we would be at this same place with in a short time and

same circulation would keep on going...

Our damage goes down to our core" 

i respond... .

" and yet we still made it for 18 years "

and she answers . .

" 17 years, and the last one was highly toxic"

and i have no words to mend this ALL BLACK description . . . so i didn´t reply.

[Bushido]

How do you respond?

... .

Our damage goes down to our core" 

i respond... .

" and yet we still made it for 18 years "

and she answers . .

" 17 years, and the last one was highly toxic"

and i have no words to mend this ALL BLACK description . . . so i didn´t reply.

an hour after that i got highly emotional and sent her this... .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6olyBWRXUOg&list=PLfTh0V9QVpxMEiXd8LA7hLc0ivh5IGU3j&index=23

and text her . . .   "i am SO sorry... .for all my wrongs... "

she sends a picture back with the following text

" Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you "

and texts. . " i am sorry too"

[livednlearned]

bushido, this must be so unbelievably difficult  :'(

I can tell you (from spending a good deal of time on the Family Law board here) that pwBPD can and do make decisions at the last minute -- not necessarily to stop the divorce, per se, so not trying to give you false hope.

Only to say that impulsivity works both ways, that's why it's important to tone down actions that elicit shame, which will spur her to stick to current actions.

I wonder if you could suggest therapeutic separation? She may be under the impression that there is only one choice here.

We can help you think about how to phrase a note in a way.

TOOLS: Therapeutic Separation

Sometimes the bad habits of the relationship are so ingrained on a day to day basis that recovering from within the current living situation is nearly impossible. Many couples hang in there hoping for the best and when it doesn't come, end up in a divorce that neither may have really wanted. There is an alternative - therapeutic separation - members here have had varying levels of success and failure with this.

One thing to keep in mind is that even if you two are able to salvage the marriage, it won't be easy. Though having a sense that there are skills you can apply does mitigate the toxicity.

We're here for you buddy.

[Bushido]

bushido, this must be so unbelievably difficult  :'(

We're here for you buddy.

It is... .

And thank you...

Having someone to talk to, who can understand and relate . . . is priceless!

[foody]

Bushido.

My current situation is my gf of 16yrs has told me she wants a seperation. Since ive been reading stuff on here i find it remarkable how similar the situations are. Eg my gf told me she wants me to find someone who can give me what i want.

We've always had arguments over her accusations of me being controlling. Yesterday  for the first time i validated her by sayi g it must bw horrible for you that you feel that. It completely threw her. She didnt know how to respond and it diffused the situation. I went to walk away, she said i havent finished talking yet. Normally I'd let her talk till thered be another heated situation. This time i said calmly what if ive finished talking?

Sje just looked and said quietly then weve finished talking!

Finally after yrs ive learned from the good folks on here how to assert myself. She's been in a lovely mood today. Eye contact, chatting, happy. That maybe cause she's gine out, i dont really care anymore, ive made my decisions and im stickung to them, but the techniques certainly saved me from another verbal battering.

[drummerboy5]

My exBPD/npd never fought in person only via text and when apart. If we weren't together she would FaceTime to make sure I wasn't with anyone . Text message would always cause her to rage and take things wrong I'm guessing because she couldn't read my emotions via text. She would always pay close attn to what I said in person for some reason. My guess it was to take mental note so she could test me later haha

[foody]

I forgot to say that when my partner is splitting she wont text at all. Does cause she knows it annoys me. Will play the 'wait an hour to reply' game then its short,choppy and blunt. But she texts her friends long lenghty essays. I think its because she can be whoever she wants via text whilst she can't keep up the pretence in person.

[flourdust]

Today's texts were... .typical. If it's not raging and lecturing, it's a weird prickliness that looks like English but doesn't make any sense. I try to be as minimalist as possible and avoid getting sucked in to the fight.

Today, she has our daughter for Mother's Day. She's supposed to drop her off at my place after dinner.

This morning... .

Me: Happy Mother's Day to you! I hope you have a great one.

Wife: Thank you. I appreciate the message. We plan do reach out to your mom. Do you know when she will be home?  And does FaceTime work for her?

Me: Thanks - that's very considerate of you. She's out with the boys. I talked to her about calling D10 tonight around 8.

Wife: Am I accurate in what I'm seeing that you are telling me not to call your mother?

Me: It's not necessary. I have already made plans with her to call tonight.

Wife: I'm feeling as if I'm being told not to call her. Not the first time. "Happy Mother's Day. Don't speak to any of these people. They have nothing nice to say to you"

Me: I didn't say any of those things. You're imagining it. I'm going out to meet a friend. Have a nice day.

Wife: What would your mother say if we called?

Me: I'm sure she'd be happy to talk to you.

Wife: I'm feeling completely confused. At first I'm given a clear direction not to call her. Now I can. Of course calling grandmothers on Mother's Day was in today's plan. Because I'm a good mother to your daughter. I didn't realize I needed to put that on the schedule. If we call, now it seems like I'll be highlighting our miscommunication and make one or both of us look bad. How did my trying to do something nice for your daughter and your mother turn into me not following your directions correctly yet again?

Me: We didn't discuss this at all. So we both made assumptions. I'm requesting that you let me make the call to my mom tonight. I appreciate your consideration.

Wife: For a man who insisted pretty hard in yesterday's text messages that he has been changing his communication styles, it still seems to me that we're continuing on with the pattern of "never communicate. Flourdust comes out getting what he wants. Wife comes out being made to feel like a crappy useless sycophant who won't shut up"

[flourdust]

I got off the crazy train at that point. She texted again a few hours later. You'll see there's no way to have any kind of rational conversation. Everything I send persecutes her.

Wife:You do need to inform me either when you will be home or where I should bring D10. Also if you have thoughts about dinner.  As you know, I need to be in town by 7:30

Me: I can feed D10. Can you drop her off at 6:30?

Wife:  And here we are again. This is not a conversation. This is me trying to start a conversation, being given directives, anything I say afterwards (like this right here) is all me just being b___y or difficult or otherwise not doing what you want. If we were in person and I asked if we could discuss it you would tell me there is nothing to discuss; you've told me what you want/need and you're leaving to protect yourself from whatever vitriol you imagine I'm about to spew.

Me: You asked me to inform you. I made a suggestion.  I'm open to other suggestions.

Wife: I asked you to inform me when you will be home or where I should bring D10.  Those were my exact words. You did not actually address my question

Me: I will be home at 6:30. Please let me know if I need to have dinner for her.

Wife: So saying you can feed her and asking for a particular drop off time (I'm assuming at the house, though you don't specify) is not worded like a suggestion.  And given our communication, I don't know what about a yes/no question made you think that I would take it as a polite inquiry into calm discussion

Wife: Thanks so much for such a "congenial meeting of the minds." I'm sure we have many more of these shared parenting moments to look forward to in the future. I will have her to the house by 6:30. I have decided that it is more convenient for me if you can ensure she gets dinner. Amazing how my question of when and where you'll be led to all of this. Just like asking if you knew what your mom's schedule was so I could do something nice for her led to all sorts of ways I had to not disrespect you. There is nothing I can do that will ever even come close to being right by you

[Bushido]

Today's texts were... .typical. If it's not raging and lecturing, it's a weird prickliness that looks like English but doesn't make any sense. I try to be as minimalist as possible and avoid getting sucked in to the fight.

... .

... .

... .

Wife: For a man who insisted pretty hard in yesterday's text messages that he has been changing his communication styles, it still seems to me that we're continuing on with the pattern of "never communicate. Flourdust comes out getting what he wants. Wife comes out being made to feel like a crappy useless sycophant who won't shut up"

woww!

this sh... i can relate to !

i . . . just woww... .

[foody]

Hi.

That last post with the text message exanple. From my experience i get the impression she's accusing you of controlling her but in fact she's controlling you emotionally  by making yoh question everything your saying. I've learnt the hard way (with a lot of realisation coming recently from the wonderful folks on here), what my gf does to unsettle and gaslight me. Shes always accused me of being controlling when shes splitting, example being if i text to see what time shes home from work thats controlling. I would alwys defend myself. Ive learned over the weekend thats pointless, it just increases the anger.

Just validat what shes saying. She started saying it again, all i said is 'it must be really horrible you feel that way' and walked away

rotally diffused the build up. I dunno this is all new to me but where she started by 'and here we go again.   '

After what ive learned maybe something like 'its terrible you feel that, i understand how busy you are , could you drop d10 at 6:30 please ?. Thanks.

And leave it at that.

[Mars22]

wow ... yeah, it really is uncanny how those could be exact texts from my uBPDxgf ... It so twisted... and exhausting... ugh.

[livednlearned]

Sometimes not responding is also ok.

She needed information, you gave her slightly different information, enough to make a plan.

Her roller coaster took a hard turn when she got the information in a slightly different way than she wanted. It brought up past baggage, hers with you, and likely a much longer trajectory predating you. For her, each small slight is intensely connected to all the same slights she has ever felt.

It's ok to stay grounded and let her finish out the ride on her own.

Validation is also good, sometimes the two go together.

[flourdust]

Sometimes not responding is also ok.

She needed information, you gave her slightly different information, enough to make a plan.

Her roller coaster took a hard turn when she got the information in a slightly different way than she wanted. It brought up past baggage, hers with you, and likely a much longer trajectory predating you. For her, each small slight is intensely connected to all the same slights she has ever felt.

It's ok to stay grounded and let her finish out the ride on her own.

Validation is also good, sometimes the two go together.

I've learned to be very, very careful with validation -- any engagement gives her an opening to turn it into an argument. If I address any of her feelings, she can turn that into criticism that I'm not addressing every other feeling in her tangled ball of feels.

[RebeccaN]

My girlfriend who is diagnosed as having BPD almost never expresses her feelings any other way but through text. We can be having what I perceive as a good time. I may leave to go to my own home or to work. She has been warm and affectionate, and I feel great. Suddenly I will get raging texts that don't even make sense most of the time. It's so hard to respond or reason with someone who is being irrational and who refuses to communicate in person or even on the phone vocally. It's so frustrating. Everything I say just gets misunderstood or twisted because of course one can read a message and interpret it any way they decide to.

The latest problem I'm having is that my gf started complaining about something I didn't do (even though I barely slept all week trying to do everything she asked of me). I told her it was unfair. I defended myself. And now she hasn't responded to me in 5 days. We have been together 2 1/2 years, yet text is the way to communicate emotions? I don't even know if we are considered broken up or this is a mind game. We once broke up for a month and I gave her space and respect. She later asked me why I didn't try writing every day... .even though she asked me not to... .and said she checked every morning. I'm so perplexed. She would never stay angry or say such harsh things to me if the discussions were in person. At this point, I wish I could disable text from my phone.

[Notwendy]

Flourdust, I can see where your discussions went off the rails. I agree that she went off the rails, but I thought that highlighting some subtleties would help. First, I think texting can open a can of worms, since the responses can be interpreted out of context. But also with black and whit thinking, any ambiguity can send things down that rabbit hole- and also be interpreted as criticism - even when it was not intended to be.


Me: Happy Mother's Day to you! I hope you have a great one.

Wife: Thank you. I appreciate the message. We plan do reach out to your mom. Do you know when she will be home?  And does FaceTime work for her?

Me: Thanks - that's very considerate of you. She's out with the boys. I talked to her about calling D10 tonight around 8.

Wife asked two questions that she wanted the answer to.- what time is your mom going to be home, and does she face time. When you didn't answer these directly, she picked up on you not wanting her to call your mother, and reacted.


and this one:

Wife:You do need to inform me either when you will be home or where I should bring D10. Also if you have thoughts about dinner.  As you know, I need to be in town by 7:30

Me: I can feed D10. Can you drop her off at 6:30?


Something more direct like " I will be home at 6:30. Can you bring her by then? I have dinner here for her. "


In each of your answers, there was an omission of a direct answer to her question. I know that this is subtle but it may help in communicating with her. Questions in my world can be a can of worms in themselves. They seem to be laden with emotions. If my BPD mom asks me something and I don't know the answer, she can assume I am refusing to tell her something. Sometimes refusing to answer a question directly can be a subtle means of maintaining control. However, pw BPD are very sensitive to these things.

These interpretations can feel crazy making. For me, if I ask something, I just want to know the answer. "I don't know" is a valid response. Although I can't control the reactions or interpretations- I can try to be as direct when asking or replying as I can. I know that you are not staying married, but since you share the parenting, maybe this will help cut down on the craziness.

[waverider]

Despite my wife being a phone junkie and has had a mobile for last 15 years, heck even worked on phone sales, she cant text. Cant text, cant retrieve texts by navigating to message folder and cant even use her address book. Simply picks up the phone and bangs out the numbers from memory.

Her need for instant gratification means she thinks of something and immediately calls people no matter when it is, or where they might be, and gets crappy if they dont answer or dont have time to speak. Everyone is on her back to send texts. Except i am not encouraging her to learn this "skill" as it will result in anger when she doesn't get an immediate response, let alone the endless out pouring of abusive texts people will receive. At the moment she leaves long winded voice messages, but then hardly anyone checks them anymore

[flourdust]

In each of your answers, there was an omission of a direct answer to her question. I know that this is subtle but it may help in communicating with her. Questions in my world can be a can of worms in themselves. They seem to be laden with emotions. If my BPD mom asks me something and I don't know the answer, she can assume I am refusing to tell her something. Sometimes refusing to answer a question directly can be a subtle means of maintaining control. However, pw BPD are very sensitive to these things.

These interpretations can feel crazy making. For me, if I ask something, I just want to know the answer. "I don't know" is a valid response. Although I can't control the reactions or interpretations- I can try to be as direct when asking or replying as I can. I know that you are not staying married, but since you share the parenting, maybe this will help cut down on the craziness.

I see your point. It might help. Then again, I think I would have gotten an even worse response in the first case if I told her explicitly that I didn't want her calling my mom, rather than just strongly implying it.