Absolutely ridden with guilt

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

As you may have read in one of my earlier posts, I recently came out of a very short (2 months) relationship with a woman who may or may not have BPD. She certainly have traits of the disorder.

She ended up dumping me after we had a huge fallout in which she claimed that I neglected her and never took her out. That statement is somewhat true. However - I consider myself a very empathic person and also a person, who is very observant of other peoples needs and wellbeing - and if you ask my friends they will tell you that if I am in love with a woman, I will treat her like a princess and do everything that I can to make her feel good in my prescence. I am not saying this in order to portray myself in a good light - in all honesty, I think that is the way I am. But if this claim is true, why would she say that I neglected her? Because her behaviour pushed me away.

I wanted to spend less and less time with her because of her temper tantrums, her demeaning behaviour towards both me, our mutual friends and even her own friends behind their backs, her manipulative and controlling manners where she looked through my entire phone and more or less implicitely accused me of cheating, her constant misunderstanding of my intentions which resulted in a passive-agressive demeanor, her double standards: I was kept under her surveillance because of my female friends but she was sitting in the same room as me, telling me that one of her former flirts had contacted her since she had become single (hers and my relationship wasn't official at that time, and never was by the way). He rang her phone that exact moment and she picked up starting to flirt with him with me sitting right next to her.

The reason why I am now guilt ridden is because she did so many nice and thoughtful things for me aswell. She sent me a decorated letter at Easter containing a riddle, she brought home gifts from a trip to another country, she gave me compliments, saying that I was 'fantastic', that she had 'never fallen for a man this fast/never been this much in love before', she invited me to meet her family etc. etc. (Afterwards she claimed that she thought she was 'never going to meet my family' despite the fact that we were arguing all the time and has only seen each other for two months).

I feel that if I somehow had given her more attention, more gifts, had taken her out more often, things would have been different. Maybe she wouldn't have had these behaviours had I just done that? And even worse - if the next one (: replacement is the right term, I have learned from this forum) treats her better, will she be the kind, loving and fun person I came to learn in the beginning of our relationship all throughout their relationship? Or will she return to her old ways?

As I mentioned in the beginning of the post, she is not diagnosed with BPD, but definitely has some traits. What I find weird is that her siblings (4) all seem much more balanced and normal, which makes me think that I am the problem and the one who triggered this behaviour in her... .

Please help - this is driving me nuts. I apologize if anything in unclear; English is not my first language.

[Confusedbf1]

As you may have read in one of my earlier posts, I recently came out of a very short (2 months) relationship with a woman who may or may not have BPD. She certainly have traits of the disorder.

She ended up dumping me after we had a huge fallout in which she claimed that I neglected her and never took her out. That statement is somewhat true. However - I consider myself a very empathic person and also a person, who is very observant of other peoples needs and wellbeing - and if you ask my friends they will tell you that if I am in love with a woman, I will treat her like a princess and do everything that I can to make her feel good in my prescence. I am not saying this in order to portray myself in a good light - in all honesty, I think that is the way I am. But if this claim is true, why would she say that I neglected her? Because her behaviour pushed me away.

I wanted to spend less and less time with her because of her temper tantrums, her demeaning behaviour towards both me, our mutual friends and even her own friends behind their backs, her manipulative and controlling manners where she looked through my entire phone and more or less implicitely accused me of cheating, her constant misunderstanding of my intentions which resulted in a passive-agressive demeanor, her double standards: I was kept under her surveillance because of my female friends but she was sitting in the same room as me, telling me that one of her former flirts had contacted her since she had become single (hers and my relationship wasn't official at that time, and never was by the way). He rang her phone that exact moment and she picked up starting to flirt with him with me sitting right next to her.

The reason why I am now guilt ridden is because she did so many nice and thoughtful things for me aswell. She sent me a decorated letter at Easter containing a riddle, she brought home gifts from a trip to another country, she gave me compliments, saying that I was 'fantastic', that she had 'never fallen for a man this fast/never been this much in love before', she invited me to meet her family etc. etc. (Afterwards she claimed that she thought she was 'never going to meet my family' despite the fact that we were arguing all the time and has only seen each other for two months).

I feel that if I somehow had given her more attention, more gifts, had taken her out more often, things would have been different. Maybe she wouldn't have had these behaviours had I just done that? And even worse - if the next one (: replacement is the right term, I have learned from this forum) treats her better, will she be the kind, loving and fun person I came to learn in the beginning of our relationship all throughout their relationship? Or will she return to her old ways?

As I mentioned in the beginning of the post, she is not diagnosed with BPD, but definitely has some traits. What I find weird is that her siblings (4) all seem much more balanced and normal, which makes me think that I am the problem and the one who triggered this behaviour in her... .

Please help - this is driving me nuts. I apologize if anything in unclear; English is not my first language.

[HarleypsychRN]

Confusedbf1,

So my ex-BPD left after 50 days, looked through my entire phone and I KNOW she met 7 out of the 9 criteria for BPD in retrospect. Sorry things didn't work out for you in your relationship. I know the difficulty disengaging  (It's hard after only 2 months, I shudder to imagine what others go through who are in relationships for longer, even years).

So, just a few thoughts... .yours had "just the traits" and you seem like you were already starting to pull back. They get bored easily and require constant excitement (drama). Although I only lived with mine for a very short time, the energy it took made it seem like much much longer. The biting criticism, demeaned me and attributed to my already self-esteem issues.

In the end, she was toxic (as they all are) whether the "meet" the criteria for BPD or "just" the traits. You are worth much more, let her go. They are damaged, you (or I) can't fix them, no matter how much love and affection we try and give them.

"The calendar changes, they don't" -Unknown

[heartandwhole]

Hi Confusedbf1,

I'm sorry that you are hurting and feeling guilty about your role in the relationship breakup. Your feelings are very normal—many of us have felt the same. I went through the "if only I had done this or that, things would be different" cycle, too. I want to tell you that these feelings are very real, but they are not true. 

As the article about the "10 Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck" says, a relationship with someone with BPD/traits is very complex and "loaded." It's natural to think that you could have done something different or better, which would have resulted in a different outcome, but there is absolutely NO guarantee that the outcome would have been anything other than what it is right now.

So many of us, myself included, broke our backs jumping through the emotional hoops to try to be the most perfect, understanding, validating person on the planet—only to be devastated when pwBPD didn't want to continue the relationship (or we left). So painful.  :'(

There will ALWAYS be something we could have done/could do better in all of our relationships. Growing from our experiences, forgiving ourselves, and moving forward is the best solution, in my view. Hanging on to a relationship dream that was riddled with landmines at every turn keeps us stuck in feelings that disempower us from growing and healing. Someone has got to take the high/healthier road, and it's more than likely going to be us, as partners of pwBPD. That means understanding ourselves and what we need to thrive in relationship. Then, and only then, can we offer something worthwhile to pwBPD, if that is the route we choose to take.

Going out and giving gifts to our partners is not enough. This is a serious attachment disorder that, depending on severity, requires years of committed therapy to manage and recover from. And even then, there could still be deeply painful turnarounds that leave us shattered and alone, again (my experience).

Honor your feelings, Confusedbf1, and let yourself feel the hurt. This is just a stop on the train ride of healing; don't make it a station.  We are here for you. 

[JerryRG]

Hello Confused

I'm sorry you went through the ringer with your pwBPD.

Something you said struck me heartandwhole, and maybe I'm completely mad but in my case, whose to say this wasn't meant to happen, that our lives were being lived in and under the shadow of codependency or other personality problems that were holding us back from living the lives we were intended to live?

This whole experience for me has shed light on my own issues so like you said if we work hard we can improve so much. I've heard pwBPD don't improve much even in therapy so count ourselves fortunate?

In just the last few weeks I've learned so much about myself, some I'm not liking because I still have issues of selfishness, self pity, pride, fear and so on BUT, I am changing, I can get well.

And my ex is resorting to her old behaviours and I'm finding out more about what she's doing and saying and I'm thankful I'm not sitting beside her right now listening to her complain. So toxic and I do not need her attitude.

Just a thought, Confusedf1, I hope you feel better soon, many here do get well so we can too.

[heartandwhole]

whose to say this wasn't meant to happen, that our lives were being lived in and under the shadow of codependency or other personality problems that were holding us back from living the lives we were intended to live?

This whole experience for me has shed light on my own issues so like you said if we work hard we can improve so much.

Absolutely! I hope I didn't give the impression that I was blameless in the relationship breakdown, because it takes two to do the dysfunctional dance, and I was boogie-ing down!   

But, yes, to your point that this relationship highlighted my outdated coping strategies that caused so much pain... .yes... .and seeing stuff I really didn't want to see about myself. Today, I can honestly say that I am grateful for that experience—very much so. I believe we can all (BPD or not) grow from this kind of relationship, as long as we accept that growth requires a willingness to deeply examine/feel our issues and change our behavior.

[Conundrum]

her temper tantrums, her demeaning behaviour towards both me, our mutual friends and even her own friends behind their backs, her manipulative and controlling manners where she looked through my entire phone and more or less implicitely accused me of cheating, her constant misunderstanding of my intentions which resulted in a passive-agressive demeanor, her double standards: I was kept under her surveillance because of my female friends but she was sitting in the same room as me, telling me that one of her former flirts had contacted her since she had become single (hers and my relationship wasn't official at that time, and never was by the way). He rang her phone that exact moment and she picked up starting to flirt with him with me sitting right next to her.

No offense, but does this sound like the type of woman who really wants a nice guy, or who preys upon a nice guy.

Treating a high conflict woman like a "princess' by being a KISA, results in being abused. Perceiving clearly her dialectical nature offers a more comprehensive approach to navigating disordered waters.

Your situation has absolutely nothing to do with whether you were nice enough. If anything, it's more than likely the opposite. A person may present multiple faces in dialetcal opposition to the other. Without healthy unifying tools they remain fractured, hence disorder reigns--and resultant relationships are swirling storms. This is a teachable moment with life lessons to be learned.

[Confusedbf1]

No offense, but does this sound like the type of woman who really wants a nice guy, or who preys upon a nice guy.

Is this a question or a conclusion? 

Your situation has absolutely nothing to do with whether you were nice enough. If anything, it's more than likely the opposite. A person may present multiple faces in dialetcal opposition to the other. Without healthy unifying tools they remain fractured, hence disorder reigns--and resultant relationships are swirling storms.

I'm not quite sure what you mean - do you care to elaborate? Thanks.

[WoundedBibi]

Your situation has absolutely nothing to do with whether you were nice enough. If anything, it's more than likely the opposite. A person may present multiple faces in dialetcal opposition to the other. Without healthy unifying tools they remain fractured, hence disorder reigns--and resultant relationships are swirling storms.

I'm not quite sure what you mean - do you care to elaborate? Thanks.[/quote]
My translation: she presents different faces because she's broken. You can't fix her. So how you behaved to her is basically irrelevant; the relationship was never going to work because no relationship works for her. Presents or no presents.

(Although it does help in a healthy relationship to know what 'language of love' your partner speaks. That's WBibi speaking)

Is that what you're saying Conundrum?

[Conundrum]

No offense, but does this sound like the type of woman who really wants a nice guy, or who preys upon a nice guy.

Is this a question or a conclusion? 

Your situation has absolutely nothing to do with whether you were nice enough. If anything, it's more than likely the opposite. A person may present multiple faces in dialetcal opposition to the other. Without healthy unifying tools they remain fractured, hence disorder reigns--and resultant relationships are swirling storms.

I'm not quite sure what you mean - do you care to elaborate? Thanks.

Hi, it's neither a question nor conclusion, though perhaps merits consideration. After all, you are the one privy to the information that fosters deduction.

I hope that this further explains:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=209941.0

[Conundrum]

Is that what you're saying Conundrum?

Thanks Bibi, that's a nice translation. More minds the merrier and all.