Help ending relationship with male BPD partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

I would just like to firstly say how incredibly helpful this website has been in helping me to identify what I'm pretty sure is BPD in my (soon to be ex) partner. In looking through the information it became very quickly clear that he is almost a classic textbook Borderliner, from the shifting from love to hate; adoration to verbal abuse/raised hands;  extremely high sex drive often at inappropriate times or after emotional turmoil; excessive jealousy; ridiculous false accusations; passive aggression;  compulsive lying;  fits of rage and bouts of crying his eyes out and self-pity when he knew he had pushed me to he point where I had almost had enough - this happened many times over the 6 months we have been together.


His background also leads me I think he has BPD - he has had 10+ years of abandonment by his 'father' and he was born from his mother's longterm relationship with another male family member, his biological father, an open secret in his family.  In hindsight, its pretty obvious that he would be incredibly damaged... .


The emotional rollercoaster of loving him has been soul destroying - when things were good they were the best ever. ... when things were bad they were awful.

The event which has ended up being the final straw was his latest fit of irrational jealousy which culminated in his threatening to kill himself.  I obviously alerted the relevant people to this, as although I dont believe he will carry this through, i couldnt take the risk. His brother then told me he had threatened this several times before. After talking every day for the last 6 months, it has been 5 days of silence from him after threatening to blow his brains out.


Researching suicide threats led me to BPD information and everything became clear (although it's unlikely he will ever go seek help to be diagnosed professionally).


I know I have to end it,  and will do so as soon as possible once he resurfaces.

There are 2 things I am struggling with though and would like some advice with if anyone can help... .

Firstly,  I love him. For the sake of my health I will leave him, but I would like to do this in the least painful way for him (and ideally me too! ) I am physically far away from him now so this can't be done in person - but I also don't trust myself talking to him on the phone, as he is so persuasive and because I love him, hearing him hurting breaks my heart more. I have blocked all methods of communication from him apart from 1 email account, so he can at least get in touch to let me know he's alive... .Or should I just ask his family to let me know he's safe and go No Contact with him?

If i didnt do that, what is the best written way to tell him that we are over?  What phrases or points might make him react in the least damaging way?


The second issue is more painful for me... .I am tearing myself apart wondering if anything he said he felt for me was genuine. I've read that when Borderlines say they hate you,  in that moment of time that is their 'truth'... .were the positive aspects of the relationship likely to be true for him?  Or have I just been an even bigger fool than I think and it was all lies, which I fell for as I fell in love?  There have been so many times he lied to me, or lied about what others said to isolate me, that I doubt everything good he has ever said. I wish I could know if he actually ever loved me (or loved me as his 'truth', but I don't know if I ever will. Part of me is not sure if it even matters as the outcome is the same... .it would just make me feel marginally less idiotic for staying through so much previous bull**** if I knew there was love in there from his side, no matter now distorted it was.

Anyway, thank you for reading this far... .if anyone has any advice they could offer it would be helpful

Thank you

[jaan1983]

Hi everyone,

I would just like to firstly say how incredibly helpful this website has been in helping me to identify what I'm pretty sure is BPD in my (soon to be ex) partner. In looking through the information it became very quickly clear that he is almost a classic textbook Borderliner, from the shifting from love to hate; adoration to verbal abuse/raised hands;  extremely high sex drive often at inappropriate times or after emotional turmoil; excessive jealousy; ridiculous false accusations; passive aggression;  compulsive lying;  fits of rage and bouts of crying his eyes out and self-pity when he knew he had pushed me to he point where I had almost had enough - this happened many times over the 6 months we have been together.


His background also leads me I think he has BPD - he has had 10+ years of abandonment by his 'father' and he was born from his mother's longterm relationship with another male family member, his biological father, an open secret in his family.  In hindsight, its pretty obvious that he would be incredibly damaged... .


The emotional rollercoaster of loving him has been soul destroying - when things were good they were the best ever. ... when things were bad they were awful.

The event which has ended up being the final straw was his latest fit of irrational jealousy which culminated in his threatening to kill himself.  I obviously alerted the relevant people to this, as although I dont believe he will carry this through, i couldnt take the risk. His brother then told me he had threatened this several times before. After talking every day for the last 6 months, it has been 5 days of silence from him after threatening to blow his brains out.


Researching suicide threats led me to BPD information and everything became clear (although it's unlikely he will ever go seek help to be diagnosed professionally).


I know I have to end it,  and will do so as soon as possible once he resurfaces.

There are 2 things I am struggling with though and would like some advice with if anyone can help... .

Firstly,  I love him. For the sake of my health I will leave him, but I would like to do this in the least painful way for him (and ideally me too! ) I am physically far away from him now so this can't be done in person - but I also don't trust myself talking to him on the phone, as he is so persuasive and because I love him, hearing him hurting breaks my heart more. I have blocked all methods of communication from him apart from 1 email account, so he can at least get in touch to let me know he's alive... .Or should I just ask his family to let me know he's safe and go No Contact with him?

If i didnt do that, what is the best written way to tell him that we are over?  What phrases or points might make him react in the least damaging way?


The second issue is more painful for me... .I am tearing myself apart wondering if anything he said he felt for me was genuine. I've read that when Borderlines say they hate you,  in that moment of time that is their 'truth'... .were the positive aspects of the relationship likely to be true for him?  Or have I just been an even bigger fool than I think and it was all lies, which I fell for as I fell in love?  There have been so many times he lied to me, or lied about what others said to isolate me, that I doubt everything good he has ever said. I wish I could know if he actually ever loved me (or loved me as his 'truth', but I don't know if I ever will. Part of me is not sure if it even matters as the outcome is the same... .it would just make me feel marginally less idiotic for staying through so much previous bull**** if I knew there was love in there from his side, no matter now distorted it was.

Anyway, thank you for reading this far... .if anyone has any advice they could offer it would be helpful

Thank you

[vortex of confusion]

Firstly,  I love him. For the sake of my health I will leave him, but I would like to do this in the least painful way for him (and ideally me too! ) I am physically far away from him now so this can't be done in person - but I also don't trust myself talking to him on the phone, as he is so persuasive and because I love him, hearing him hurting breaks my heart more. I have blocked all methods of communication from him apart from 1 email account, so he can at least get in touch to let me know he's alive... .Or should I just ask his family to let me know he's safe and go No Contact with him?

If i didnt do that, what is the best written way to tell him that we are over?  What phrases or points might make him react in the least damaging way?

First, welcome to the forums!

There is no easy way to end things. It might be easiest to find out whether or not he is safe and then go no contact. The more contact you have with him, the easier it will be for him to confuse you and suck you back in.

How long have you been with this person? 

The second issue is more painful for me... .I am tearing myself apart wondering if anything he said he felt for me was genuine. I've read that when Borderlines say they hate you,  in that moment of time that is their 'truth'... .were the positive aspects of the relationship likely to be true for him?  Or have I just been an even bigger fool than I think and it was all lies, which I fell for as I fell in love?  There have been so many times he lied to me, or lied about what others said to isolate me, that I doubt everything good he has ever said. I wish I could know if he actually ever loved me (or loved me as his 'truth', but I don't know if I ever will. Part of me is not sure if it even matters as the outcome is the same... .it would just make me feel marginally less idiotic for staying through so much previous bull**** if I knew there was love in there from his side, no matter now distorted it was.

When I first found these forums, one of the things that I was told is that they have a tendency to think feelings equal facts. That made a lot of sense to me as I have been with my stbx for 18 years. How could he be saying some of this stuff after we had been together for so long? In the moment he said those things, that is how he felt so he expressed it as a fact. There was love there. It just wasn't a healthy kind of love. It is really easy to hang on what they said rather than looking at their actions.

I think a whole lot of people on this site have wondered, "What the heck was I thinking?" It took me 18 years to call it quits and I continually wonder what was I thinking. I wonder if he ever really loved me. It is mental torture and it isn't healthy at all.

[jaan1983]

Thank you for your reply!

We were together for just 7 months but as we worked together we spent 10-12 hours together, usually just the 2 of us, so it felt like years crammed into a few months... .I am grateful it wasnt years.

I will wait to hear from him and go NC then.

If theres a chance he loved me,  but in a distorted unhealthy way, it actually makes me feel a tiny bit better than thinking there was never anything real from his side,  or that it was all deliberate lies to get me into bed

[steelwork]

Hi jaan1983,

First, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. And I commend you on your compassion and concern about the gentlest way to end your relationship.

What phrases or points might make him react in the least damaging way?

You know him well. The only suggestions I could come up with would be boilerplate, more or less. I think the thing to remember is just that his level of emotional maturity is not what yours is. So I would take some time to manage expectations about what kind of response you get. Despite your best intentions, it could turn ugly. I tried to have a gentle leave-taking and my ex wanted no part of it.

The way you are feeling--being afraid to talk to him on the phone because your feelings might take over--I think that's how my ex felt. I can say that it would have meant the world to me if he had explained that. So maybe that's a start: let him know that you are not ending things in writing out of anger or indifference?

The second issue is more painful for me... .I am tearing myself apart wondering if anything he said he felt for me was genuine.

Oh man. We have practically all wrestled with that question. I think it's probable that his feelings were genuine, but maybe they weren't so stable.

This article, by a bpdfamily board member who is recovering from BPD, has helped a lot of people deal with that kind of question.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder

It gets better.

-steelwork

[HurtinNW]

I think it is often love—a very unhealthy, immature love. Think of a toddler. A toddler can definitely love you, but at the same time that doesn't stop them from throwing their juice cup at you, screaming at the top of their lungs when you won't buy them candy, and throwing a heck of sulk when you maintain a rule. It's a selfish love. They are often thinking about themselves. Altruism is not part of the disorder.

It has really helped me to understand the black and white thinking part of the disorder. For my ex I was either all good or all bad. If he was feeling love towards me then he cast me as he most amazing, wonderful, adored woman on the planet. But if he felt angry none of that could be true. He had to justify painting me black, and I went from goddess to garbage in minutes. There was no in between. I've written about how we could be out someplace and he would be making doe eyes at me, saying how fantastic I was, and thirty minutes later in the car be raging at me and telling me I was horrible.

What is hard to understand is both those sides of him were true. Whatever he felt in the moment was his reality, and everything around him was seen through that lens. He would literally forget all the good parts of me when he was angry. There was no conscience then to hold him back from being cruel. I remember asking him once, in a calm moment, if he had any boundaries on his anger. "I never thought of that," he replied, quite puzzled. Again, like a toddler in his emotional development.

I know my ex did care for me. I am sure yours did either. But they were not capable of caring in a way that could sustain a healthy relationship. That's what I am trying to focus on.

I do like to caution people that there are plenty of us with trauma histories that don't have BPD, and there are times when these relationships can cause BPD-like symptoms. I felt suicidal in my relationship with my ex for the first time in my life. These relationships can be profoundly traumatizing.

As for how to end it, I suggest short, sweet and compassionate. Perhaps a letter. Be aware he might try to paint you black to others and may react vindictively. My ex has been vindictive and he was the one who broke up with me.

[Stripey77]

Wow... .HurtinNW... .reading your post, I could so very well be reading a blueprint for my own relationship. It's almost scary. Right down to the day he lost his cool with me, drove me all the way home in total silence and refusing to even look at me. On the way up there only 4-5 hours before, he'd been singing to me, holding my hand,  drawing love hearts in the air. He was in a phenomenally good mood. There was obviously an 'incident' in between which really was relatively minor, but he managed to blow it up as if I'd just committed the most heinous of crimes. Just as you describe, there was a total switch in persona as a result. I was almost running after him saying that I loved him as he marched back to the car, only for him to inform me it was "too late!" After three days of total and excruciating silence, from a man who normally messaged me from morning 'til night, he sent me a text to tell me that I'd made him run away from me and it was over. He came back, but that's another story.This was the true beginning of my hell.

[HurtinNW]

It's crazy making, isn't it?

It got so his sister would joke about the dizzying speed in which his Facebook posts would switch, according to whether he was idealizing or devaluing me.

He raged like Rumpelstiltskin at me over such crimes of the century as: a pudding cup left in the compost. My opinions on Woody Allen. Me saying the word of a major city that reminded him of an argument two years before. My PTSD symptoms. Me crying after he had raged. Me wanting to talk about anything. Me asking him not to berate my son. Me becoming quiet and fearful because he looked mad. Me asking if he was mad.

The really crazy-making part was after the rages he stopped remembering what he had done and to this day will deny most of it.

It's my responsibility, however, that after each one of these times I recycled with him. That's the part I'm really working on, as well as my role in the dysfunction. I believe it takes two, and I played a role as well.

I am grieving terribly, because I can see how much pain and shame and fear he must be in, and I know the loss even if he does not. How about you? Where are you at in the process?

[semantics]

I have only the quickest reply to this thread -- OP, and respondents, you all are telling stories that sound just like mine. I think it's hard especially if we are already parents and can see and hear and feel the needful toddler in the BPD heart. And it hurts.

OP, I wish I had broken up with my BPD partner by handwritten letter in the postal mail. In person we are so subject to the chemistry, and email and even phone are both so horribly impersonal.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Prayers for your peace of mind and that your BPD partner is ok.

[jaan1983]

The way you are feeling--being afraid to talk to him on the phone because your feelings might take over--I think that's how my ex felt. I can say that it would have meant the world to me if he had explained that. So maybe that's a start: let him know that you are not ending things in writing out of anger or indifference?

That's a very good point, letting him know the goodbye is written not because I don't care but because I care too much.

Thank you everyone else for your points too... .once I know he's safe I will also stop contact with his family as yesterday his brother was messaging me - it was all done out of concern for his brother but it dredged up old issues talking about my partners painful behaviour.

Thanks everyone

[Thread]

Jaan1983

My heart breaks for you. I love my husband BPD, but I regret at times not staying separated from him. I went back.

My suggestion is stay in no contact. Because once there is contact it's easy to get persuaded in going back. I acted like a martyr. Having anxiety myself I empathized when during my own therapy during the separation I discovered he was a classic Borderline. All the characteristics I couldn't quite label I finally had an explanation for. I went back. I wish most times that I hadn't. And I feel guilty even saying this here now. As he sleeps next to me as I write this  

Does he hate you when he says it yes that's probably true. But does he hate you because he loves you so much he hates the fact that you have the ability to hurt him the most yes, that's probably true as well. I say this all the time I know my HBPD loves me the most because he treats me the worst. Ironic huh. So dysfunctional and I say that in no way of it being a joyful thing, it's just sad.

I think constantly about leaving because after being off anxiety meds for 5.5 years I had to get back on due to the turbulent relationship.

If you do contact. Know that they will say everything you want to hear, they do their best and are on their best behavior. They will apologize. My hBPD even went to therapy for me. But... .BUT they are doing it to just get results. It is not because they know there is something wrong with them or how they are behaving. They just want to win you back.

When my HBPD moved back home it took less than 3 months for him to spiral back into dysregulation, suicidal threats, emotional abuse... .All of the above with what you stated. He has been home for almost 2 years. He would cycle every 3-5 months, but before DBT therapy it was happening every week to every 1.5 weeks.

DBT had helped ever so slightly. Baby steps. But I still see those qualities appear every so often. I have emotionally checked out. I have no emotional connectivity with my hBPD and thank god for the love of what I do and the love of my close friends. Now I am so deep into it I don't have the heart to leave again. Because I do fear one day the suicidal threats will actually happen. The first time I left him it was very very bad.

Have courage and take care of you! I'm so sorry you are going through this

[jaan1983]

Having anxiety myself I empathized when during my own therapy during the separation I discovered he was a classic Borderline. All the characteristics I couldn't quite label I finally had an explanation for. I went back. I wish most times that I hadn't. And I feel guilty even saying this here now. As he sleeps next to me as I write this  

Thank you for the support... .I wish you all the best with your situation too. I can particularly relate to what you said about finding an explanation for the behaviour leading you back to him - when I first figured out his BPD (this has only been a few days ago but feels like weeks) I found myself wondering if I could help him. I realise I can't though, not if I trigger him so much and Im so susceptible to forgiving him and recycling... .it was almost every 7-10 days that he'd blow up. Like clockwork!

I can't imagine what it would be like to be married to him, so I hope you're ok and staying strong x

[Inharmsway]

Hi Jaana, 

Sorry you have to go through this. Leaving ain't easy at all. Isn't it amazing that even at the end of the r/s we still put them first? The Compassion about his feelings despite how he's treated you.

As has most of us on here,  I've been there myself.  And being a codependent and a rescuer didn't  the help matters at all.

Things got to a stage where I felt I had had enough and decided to jump ship the next time he rages and blow up. Boy did it come,  on a beautiful day after having lunch we went to his house and out of no where,  he blew up. Telling me how useless I am and that I'm needy etc. That was it,  the final straw.  I took my stuff and vacated his house in a very calm manner. I knew this was my moment.

I got home to an email he'd sent whilst I was on my way. Not apologizing but predictably justifying his action and how I triggered the whole thing.

My response to the email:

"I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible person and that I cause you so much pain.  With that I ask that we take a break from each other. I'll make contact once I've addressed these issues."

Almost 2 years later I haven't looked back since. I didn't block him on any platform. Just went NC and started working on myself. I ignored any subsequent attempts from him to contact me.

It was the most difficult decision I'd ever had to make. I loved and adored him.

Whatever method you choose to end the relationship, stay strong.

[jaan1983]

Hi Inharmsway,

I have blocked and unblocked him several times over the last few days as Ive fluctuated between choosing the best course of action (it hasn't made a difference as he's not been online anyway).  Did you not find that your ex made contact given he wasn't blocked?  I am 99% certain I'll get bombarded with messages once he resurfaces, and on some social media platforms you see snippets of the messages even without reading them,  which will obviously be upsetting 

thanks

[Inharmsway]

Hi Jaan1983,

I honestly and truly cared for this man and still do. Firstly having realized how scared of abandonment he is,  I chose to Not block him as I felt it's cruel but instead i ignored him so to speak. In a sense being ignored is a punishment worse than death but in my defense I did state up front that I'd be taking a break and I stuck by that.

To answer you,  yes,  being unblocked escalated communication but I kept and maintained my silence. He hated and despised himself so much that he couldn't even bare seeing himself in photos. But to try hook me back in, He went as far as using my favorite pics of him on all social media so as to elicit some form of response from me. I maintained my silence and eventually resorted to deleting his number off of my phone and I stayed away from social media.

I must say my life has improved significantly in the +/-2yrs break.  Seeing him doesn't trigger my emotions anymore,  instead I feel sadness, compassion  and pity to say the least. I've seen him in traffic twice this year and strangely  the Intense feelings and emotions had diminished.

[bunny4523]

Hi Jaan1983,

"Firstly,  I love him. For the sake of my health I will leave him, but I would like to do this in the least painful way for him (and ideally me too! ) I am physically far away from him now so this can't be done in person - but I also don't trust myself talking to him on the phone, as he is so persuasive and because I love him, hearing him hurting breaks my heart more. I have blocked all methods of communication from him apart from 1 email account, so he can at least get in touch to let me know he's alive... .Or should I just ask his family to let me know he's safe and go No Contact with him?

If i didnt do that, what is the best written way to tell him that we are over?  What phrases or points might make him react in the least damaging way? "

My understanding is the best way for a BPD to cope with a breakup is for them to feel like they are rejecting you/ending it with you.  Unfortunately that isn't the easiest way for a non to cope with a breakup because it leaves you feeling worthless and devalued and alone.  When my exBPD partner decided to threaten to end it this last time, I just went with it.  I said,"ok, I'm fine with that" and I took my out.  I think this time he was breaking up with me because I increased our monthly bill by $12 to increase our wifi capabilities.  We were having really bad service issues.  (see I still feel the need to explain or justify it) because he made it seem like I had done something so horrible and out of line.  Ridiculous.

"The second issue is more painful for me... .I am tearing myself apart wondering if anything he said he felt for me was genuine. I've read that when Borderlines say they hate you,  in that moment of time that is their 'truth'... .were the positive aspects of the relationship likely to be true for him?  Or have I just been an even bigger fool than I think and it was all lies, which I fell for as I fell in love?  There have been so many times he lied to me, or lied about what others said to isolate me, that I doubt everything good he has ever said. I wish I could know if he actually ever loved me (or loved me as his 'truth', but I don't know if I ever will. Part of me is not sure if it even matters as the outcome is the same... .it would just make me feel marginally less idiotic for staying through so much previous bull**** if I knew there was love in there from his side, no matter now distorted it was. "

Why would you be a fool for believing someone when they tell you they love you?  If you didn't believe them then you might consider yourself to have trust issues, or being paranoid, or dysfunctional.  Why do we make it our fault?  Even if the scenario was someone "tricking" you, that is their issue to deal with, not yours... .   

Also, I believe you stay in someone's life and deal with bull not because they love you but because you love them.  Please don't ever feel guilty about that. I went through the same emotions so I'm not judging you... .it's just interesting because it feels different hearing you say it.  So much more clear how we need their validation, that we make it our fault if someone tricks us.  We are somehow stupid.  No we were loving and caring people.  We are suppose to love, trust and be vulnerable with our partner.   

My short answer is: You don't need to know if he loved you, you just need to know that you love you and you deserve better than this.   But if it helps, yes he loved you but now he  doesn't. (or atleast his love isn't worth anything because the way he is treating you right now isn't loving)  But he might love you tomorrow, then not love you again on Friday.  Do you really want this kind of love? followed with so much pain all the time?

[Lexisdad]

My cycle of the rage was no more than every10 days in five and a half years as well.Some weeks was 4 or 5 days of rage. It was like clockwork when she would explode. I'm 4 month's out and still every night i'm awakened by thoughts of her. I have no idea if i've been replaced but i'm sure i have. I loved this woman more than any one in my life and i thought i could handle her bipolar when she revealed that she was diagnosed. I can say in my 49 years, these past 6 were no doubt the most stressfull conflict filled years of my life. I' m split black now so don't know if i'll ever hear from her but i will certainly never speak to her again. I was so verbally abused, manipulated, lied to and accused of infidelity so many times that there is no reason in the world for me to ever want to speak to her again.

[Thread]

Lexisdad

I don't wanna encroach on this chain but if you can private message memo how you got out. Where you married? My husband BPD is incredibly emotionally abusice the cycles have slowed down but today was his last day in the DBT clinic and I think he's feels like he's just done, well he's not and I don't love him anymore. I'm tired and I don't think I can keep doing this. Just curious what your process was to leaving as I am mulling it over in my head, again. I already separated from him once and I just don't see it working in the long run. Current personal issues between my mother and father makes me look at their relationshi and think I'm destined for the same loveless, miserable life and I don't want that. My dad is happy and loves my mom but I don't think my mom cars whatsoever I also think she is uBPD which is why my husband felt so comfortable.