Triggered By Video

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey Group,

I watched the video link that you sent Once Removed and it's triggered something in me to want to reach out to my exBPDgf.  The video makes me want to check on her, let her know I'm here if she's hurting, etc.  I remember more then a few times that she would send me pictures of huge bruises from "accidents" or conversations we would have about how confused she was, how much she was hurting. The moments that she would tell me she was thinking about suicide and all of those moments she would confide in me ... .and we would talk for  hours.

But I know if I do it would open up pandora's box for both of us. I could reach out and she could reject & devalue all of it. I could reach out and things might start up again, but I know I wouldn't be the only person in her life. She knew because of her illness that she could cheat on me and didn't want to hurt me in that way. I really do understand the illness and why she behaves the way she does but her behavior hasn't changed and she rages when she conflicted.  I don't know if I would make things worse if I did and if I did would it be worse for her or would it be worse for me or both of us.

ahhh !  Now I'm conflicted as what to do

J



Mod note:  This thread was split from  Request For Resources

[JQ]

Hey Group,

I watched the video link that you sent Once Removed and it's triggered something in me to want to reach out to my exBPDgf.  The video makes me want to check on her, let her know I'm here if she's hurting, etc.  I remember more then a few times that she would send me pictures of huge bruises from "accidents" or conversations we would have about how confused she was, how much she was hurting. The moments that she would tell me she was thinking about suicide and all of those moments she would confide in me ... .and we would talk for  hours.

But I know if I do it would open up pandora's box for both of us. I could reach out and she could reject & devalue all of it. I could reach out and things might start up again, but I know I wouldn't be the only person in her life. She knew because of her illness that she could cheat on me and didn't want to hurt me in that way. I really do understand the illness and why she behaves the way she does but her behavior hasn't changed and she rages when she conflicted.  I don't know if I would make things worse if I did and if I did would it be worse for her or would it be worse for me or both of us.

ahhh !  Now I'm conflicted as what to do

J



Mod note:  This thread was split from  Request For Resources

[WoundedBibi]

Hey Group,

I watched the video link that you sent Once Removed and it's triggered something in me to want to reach out to my exBPDgf.  The video makes me want to check on her, let her know I'm here if she's hurting, etc.  I remember more then a few times that she would send me pictures of huge bruises from "accidents" or conversations we would have about how confused she was, how much she was hurting. The moments that she would tell me she was thinking about suicide and all of those moments she would confide in me ... .and we would talk for  hours.

But I know if I do it would open up pandora's box for both of us. I could reach out and she could reject & devalue all of it. I could reach out and things might start up again, but I know I wouldn't be the only person in her life. She knew because of her illness that she could cheat on me and didn't want to hurt me in that way. I really do understand the illness and why she behaves the way she does but her behavior hasn't changed and she rages when she conflicted.  I don't know if I would make things worse if I did and if I did would it be worse for her or would it be worse for me or both of us.

ahhh !  Now I'm conflicted as what to do

J

Ok... .So, she has a history of hurting herself and the video has triggered you to check if your ex is ok, and if not to reach out to you for help. Should you check if she is doing ok? Imagine you do "just wanted to know if you're ok and for you to know I'm here if you're not".

1) she is ok. She appreciates you checked. You are relieved. Everybody happy

2) she is ok. She is annoyed you checked and gets angry at you. You are upset, you're healing might get a setback.

3) she is ok. She gets triggered by your question and hurts herself. She tells you, you are terribly upset, healing gets a setback.

4) she is ok, or not, or gets triggered, but ignores your message/doesn't tell you. How long would you ruminate over or worry about not getting a reply?

5) she is not ok, she answers and wants help. You (sorry for being blunt) run to the rescue. You will put in a lot of emotional energy at the least. Might get sucked back in. I see drama.

6) she is not ok, she answers and doesn't want help. As she is not ok, the not wanting help might be put in terms of what a terrible person you are and the awful things you did. Or something like that (can't remember your exact story right now). You will feel guilty that she is out there needing help but not wanting it. Healing pushed back.

I'm not sure if I left any scenarios out but from the 6 I could think of I can see some sort of emotional draining or drama in 5 of them. Does this help you in answering your question?

[Grey Kitty]

I don't know if I would make things worse if I did and if I did would it be worse for her or would it be worse for me or both of us.

ahhh !  Now I'm conflicted as what to do

You know that your r/s with her was all kinds of messed up. It hurt you terribly. You need to take care of yourself first. Going back there would be somewhere between risky and completely unsafe for you.

You also care about her. You don't want her to suffer. You want to ease her pain.

You feel conflicted because you think you have to choose only one of those two things. That's half-true. You can only chose one action. You talk to her, or you don't. But you can let yourself have both feelings.

You can be hurt and angry about how she treated you.

-AND-

You can love her and care about her.

Yeah, it is kinda confusing, but life does that to you. 

[steelwork]

JQ, I'm really sorry to see you dealing with this. You've been a rock and a font of positivity for many of us.

I think you have consider yourself first before making a decision about reaching out. It's like that deal where you're supposed to put on your live vest before helping the child with it's life vest.

What are those three c's? You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it--something like that.

You feel your ex may not have anyone else in her life that she can count on. I know that feeling. Not with my ex but with the ex two exes before him. I'm STILL checking in on him, worrying about him, in some ways warping my life so that he'll have some security he wouldn't have otherwise. We have not been a couple for over ten years! I don't do all things for him that I used to, and we're in the process of selling a house that I own but he's lived in for ten years, and he and I worry A LOT about how that will go. Eventually I had to ask myself, What is the end game here? Is this going to be my job forever? And I have to say that every time I've scaled back on my caretaking, he's eventually stepped up. There have been some drug binges, deep depressions, bad relationships, and a lot of chaos along the way, but he's still breathing. We are close. We do keep tabs on each other. But he's also not trying to pull me back into a relationship.

So I'm babbling but I just want to say that I found, beneath all my worry about him and my certainty that he needed me to stay alive, a certain component of grandiosity. He showed me that he could find other relationships after I left. They haven't all been so great, but he did have one really great gf for several years. Unfortunately, he lost her because he wouldn't stop being a crazy, emotionally unstable drunk. But I did what I could there, too.

So where do you come in? What do you see down the road: ten years of worrying and putting out fires, only to realize that you weren't the thing holding her together after all?

What can we do to support you, JQ? Whether you decide to reach out or not, let us know.

[Penelope35]

Hey JQ

I was wondering how your post disappeared from my thread. I am so sorry the video has triggered you so much. I understand how you are feeling and it sucks that we can't just pick up the phone and make a genuine and caring call to them but the sad truth is that you don't know where such a gesture would take you. Please try to remind your self of all the reasons you need to stop yourself from reaching out. You have done so much work with yourself that I feel like you need to protect it now. As I told you under my thread, I am going to use your own words of encouragement to all of us and tell you to please reach out to the sunshine instead.

You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it!

Stay strong JQ!

[JQ]

Hello Group,

I want to thank each and everyone of you for your comments, your concerns, your friendship & support. So thank you Penelope, Steelwork, Grey Kitty, WoundedBibi! 

I was for a moment in time in a bad place, but like all of you have pointed out I had to remember the chaos, the 3 C's, the no win scenarios, I had to remember everything.  What or how I would of said the things I did. Thinking and rethinking with such painful detail what to say so as not to trigger her was the reminder I needed. 

I didn't reach out to her, I did not call, text or email her. I had to get some much needed sleep that I was lacking. I did get out to enjoy the warm sun on my face. I went for that bike ride, I went for that hike to enjoy natures beauty in all little things. I reached out to a buddy to catch up and they sent me the enclosed video, and I wanted to share it with all of you for your moments of weakness or those moments you have doubt on the chosen path you walk. Or know someone who at some point in time will need it.

To quote a line from the video ... ."Even the most confident and motivated people will need a helping hand at some point in their life." "It's up to you to find the motivation through adversity." "in each one of us there is always an internal voice questioning the decisions we've made"  "welling on the past, only allows mistakes free reign in your head."

Success is a mentality!

Thank you all again ... .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg