Does healing from BPD parents ever really happen?

[rebl.brown]

I've been working hard all my life on recovering from the abuse suffered at the hands of my very disturbed BPDmother and NPfather. Sometimes I do ok, but it always seems that the struggle to overcome the damage done to my emotions is just waiting around the corner. I am 53 and just so flippin tired. Tired that it take so much effort to function. I've processed everything there is to process. I have an understanding of splitting and disassociation, I've let the things I could not control go, as much as I know how. And still, I struggle with depression, with panic, with fear. Perhaps I need to be satisfied with a lower level of functioning in life, accept the fact that I will never be totally at peace. What conclusions have others come to?

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, rebl.brown,

Your courage, despite your tiredness, is beautiful to read here.

For me, the only way I've found peace with my past/present (my uBPD was my mom, now deceased) is through making peace with God. For me - there is no other way to fill the holes that were left from neglect (or drilled into me through abuse) than in knowing the love and healing of the one who is both father and mother to me in a more intimate and cosmically vast way than my parents could ever have been. Peace is not the same as having all the answers, but it is beautiful and it is enough. I won't go further into that unless you want, as I know it's a touchy subject for many people.

[HappyChappy]

I've been working hard all my life on recovering from the abuse suffered at the hands of my very disturbed BPDmother and NPfather. Sometimes I do ok... .I have an understanding of splitting and disassociation, I've let the things I could not control go... .What conclusions have others come to?

Hi Rebl.brown,

I share your frustrations on a bad day. Because we’re having to re-wire beliefs that we’ve have since childhood, it just takes more time that with other ailments. It does feel like two steps forwards and one back. But you’ve actually listed what many would call progress. You have an understanding of splitting and dissociation, which means you can better identify a BPD and hence better deal/avoid with them. That is progress.

According to my Therapist, everyone has a dysfunctional upbringing, everyone needs to work on something. The fact you’ve survived your childhood is an enormous success in my book, knowing how tough surviving a BPD is. Like you I also had the NPD and BPD combo to deal with, which in my book deserves medal, just getting out alive.

My conclusion is that we should exercise every day, but we probably need to do the same without our mental health. If you feel tiered of it all, would a break, a vacations, help ?

[joinedtheclub]

Hi repl.brown,

I had the same parent recipe.  And I think the answer is yes.  I'm a 45 year old guy.

Healing does come, but it comes in a different way and the end result is not necessarily "normal".

For me, as a young adult, I was frequently comparing myself to others in our country.  While mostly optimistic, I would be dragged down with thoughts of the whole unfairness of it all.  What helped were two key things:

1.  six chats with a therapist and this guy one time simply saying "that is a sad story".  I cannot express how important it was to have an objective person clearly label the story as being so bad.  He also reflected back to me that the way I chose my words and expressed myself was very similar to the way immigrants do.

2.  One day, I had a realization that I wasn't simply sometimes talking to a therapist like an immigrant - it was that I WAS an immigrant.  I did have a bizarre childhood and upbringing that was foreign to the childhood experience of everyone I knew, and most people I didn't.  I was an immigrant in my own country.

Conceptualizing my childhood in that way suddenly shifted everything.  I had to work hard like every other immigrant.  I was responsible for myself, like other immigrants.  It was up to me to discover what life was like in this country (which was my own), just like other immigrants.  My comparators were not other citizens born here, but other people who had immigrated. This made it way easier to track my progress, to understand that there were some cultural things that would be new and/or strange to me, and so on.

By this conceptual shifting, I was able to see how much I had journeyed and was proud of the progress I had made.  I had emigrated away from a difficult existence and come to this land of liberty and opportunity.  Yes, I had scars, but I was grateful I hadn't been a child soldier, instead of being bitter as to why I hadn't been born to a couple who would have loved me and had me in hockey and football.

I don't think the healing is without scars, though.  There are scars that flare up from time to time.  But to quote Albus Dumbledore, "scars can be useful."  In the last book of the Harry Potter series, Harry reflects on the collection of scars he has accumulated through his battles with Voldemort.  He doesn't regret them, but grimly acknowledges their existence as proof that he fought.

In the same way, BPD parent scars are there.  You can see them clearly.  They were hard won - you are here now and you couldn't have gotten here without sustaining those scars. 

Because here is what I wonder:  maybe I had the genetics to be BPD myself, and by having a BPD mother and NPD father, that horrible journey helped me develop my own sense of who I am and my place in the world.  That the scars from them meant that I would never go down those paths.  I'm not sure, but if I think back, I know I had entitlement as an adolescent.  I remember I held bizarre ideas about what was due me, from time to time.  All of that is gone, because of the journey I have had to travel.

And in traveling it, I have gained scars.  It's a bit of "what doesn't kill you make you stronger."  I know I can sniff out manipulation long before others.  As a result of having to walk on eggshells, I can perceive emotion in seconds (and have been told many times I am incredibly perceptive).  The scars haven't made me a superhero, but it has made me stronger.

Having been brought up by BPD and NPD parents, I turned away from those concepts for me, and I know who I am.

The last thing that helped me on this journey (besides this incredible website) was the book Falling Upwards by Richard Rohr.  It's not specific to Christianity.  It describes how all humans need to encounter a world-changing event, at which time they fall, and hopefully upwards to the second half of life, one with serenity and greater perspective.  The book is like amazing homemade fudge:  it is strong and you can only have small bits at a time.  But it helped me think things through and get to what I think of as being healed:  not living without any trace of the bad things that happened to me along the way, but living well and happily despite all the bad things that happened.

I'm 45 and I'm still working on all of this, so don't despair at 53.  I hope you have someone in your life you loves you greatly; it might be good to talk through things with that person.  I know having my wife at my side has been key.

I think I'm healed as much as can be:  scars and all, but I know that from time to time unexpected things trigger memories, and my parents might intrude again, but still, I know I can carry on.  I have a great wife, great kids, a job I love, and, when things do get dark, I know I can talk to my wife and log onto this website, and get the support I need to get through rough patches.

Here's a hug across the miles.

Take care,

JTC

[khibomsis]

Hey rebl.brown, I am 53 too and can really empathize with the tiredness. It is like one doesn't have the same tolerance levels for dysfunction as in one's forties.  Is that how you feel too?

When I first went into therapy in my my mad youth (37 ), my first therapist said to me that what happened to me was so severe that I must never expect to be 100% well, but that I can get a little bit better everyday. I appreciated the honesty. Thinking of it like a chronic condition, say as if I had been in a car accident and lost the use of a limb, helped me make permanent lifestyle changes that oriented themselves around coping with  depression, chronic anxiety and PTSD. Doing as well as I can while making sure my life has plenty of space for the inevitable downtime. 

Most fortunately money never held any attraction for me - I would look at my wealthy family and reckon that if they could be so miserable with all that stuff then there did not seem to be much sense in in chasing the mighty dollar. So it was easy for me to work towards a job which is highly fulfilling, lots of understanding if I have to miss a few days of work here and there, and intellectually stimulating with a minimum of office politics. It is part-time too, so I have plenty of space to focus on other interests. No I'm not rich. I am mostly happy.

I am fanatic about diet and exercise, ensuring my home is a harmonious environment, having self-soothing hobbies which engross me.  Being kind to myself when I need to take downtime. Supportive and loving partner whom I mostly feel sorry for in that she has to cope with BPD FOO. She holds up. Learning to weed out friends and acquaintances who pulled me down - not easy when you have a history of of co-dependence!    Surrounding myself with positive people who care. Playing with the kids regularly.

I suppose the biggest change in the last few years is setting boundaries with BPD FOO with help from this board. Little by little each year these get firmer. So I can focus on taking care of the past I try to ensure that there is no fresh harm. They still erupt in my life with complete madness from time to time as you will see from my posts. But it does get better all the time.

I actually have a lot to be thankful for ... .Thanks, rebl. for helping me see that I actually have a great life! I hope you find that point in your life too!  , khib

[Woolspinner2000]

Rebl.brown,

This is a great topic to explore.  It is hard to struggle through the process of being a child of a pwBPD. I'm right about the same age as you and khibomsis, and it is a daily struggle, hands down agreement with you. I often need to remember that I'm on a journey and a process, not a destination.

When I get especially discouraged, it helps if I adjust my expectations and look at how far I've come instead of how far I need to go. Just this morning I was noticing that I am able to sort out the triggering moments so much better than in the past, and my sometimes desperate need for validation from others has lessened over time as I've progressed through T. I'm able to comfort myself a little bit more all the time. I still have very tough times, but much improved.

I love the analogy that JTC shared related to being an immigrant.  How true that I can relate to those who have been raised in a dysfunctional family, such as having a BPD family member, better than anyone else.

Hang in there! You are not alone on your journey.


Wools

[isshebpd]

Hi rebl.brown,

Now that I'm approaching 50, I'm 47, I'm putting less pressure on myself. When I was in my late 30s, my stressful career lead to a health crisis. This was before I learned about my FOO dysfunction and started to heal.

I now work less hours and have a more physically active job. It's a job not a career, in my mind. I no longer work in an office, and hope never to do so again. Since we don't have children, my wife and I can have a balanced life on a lower income.

I also no longer care about what people think of me, in terms of my lifestyle and career. I enjoy my down time guilt-free.

[claudiaduffy]

One day, I had a realization that I wasn't simply sometimes talking to a therapist like an immigrant - it was that I WAS an immigrant.  I did have a bizarre childhood and upbringing that was foreign to the childhood experience of everyone I knew, and most people I didn't.  I was an immigrant in my own country.

JTC, this is a really great explanation of that realization. I had come to a similar conclusion about my own life but never thought of it in those terms. This is super helpful to me - both for myself, but also, I think, it will be helpful in the future for me in revealing myself to friends and in helping other "immigrants." Thank you!

[HappyChappy]

Now that I'm approaching 50... .I now work less hours and have a more physically active job. It's a job not a career, in my mind. I no longer work in an office, and hope never to do so again.

I also no longer care about what people think of me, in terms of my lifestyle and career. I enjoy my down time guilt-free.

I'm doing something similar and it's working well. 

[rebl.brown]

Thanks everyone for all the replies. So, so much kindness. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't have anything left. I want to go non-contact with the monster that is my father. I've done so with the mother for 20 years. That was easier, she was the identified idiot. He, however, loves to blame everything on her, criticize us and talk proudly of how perfect he is. He is so arrogant and delusional. Yet, I've never been able to develop a voice. The only way I've dealt with him is to pretend. I can't decide if I'll just continue that or withdraw but I can't cope anymore. I appreciate the spiritual encouragement. I have tried everything, everything, I know there is a loving God and suffering is just a part of the world but I can't do this like this anymore. I want to take all of it and put it back behind a door and shut and lock it forever. I just want to live in the present. My present is wonderful. Is it possible? Can you close off that part of yourself and compartmentalize and just be happy in the present without continuing to wallow in the past? I don't know, but I'm going to try. I can't live dealing with all that anymore.

[disillusionedandsore]

It's a brilliant question. I've often wondered what the benefit of all the grieving will be. There seems to be very little let up for me and it seems to be so hard to find anybody (apart from here) who can identify or get it or even wants to hear how it was or how it is... .I dunno perhaps my need for validation is huge... .I think it's more than that,  the pain is huge,  the damage is extensive, I don't know that I'll ever get over it. Like so many others,  so much of my Life has passed,  opportunities are gone... .Can anything really compensate for not being loved as a child?

[khibomsis]

disillusioned, I don't think the grieving ever stops. You learn to live with it. And enjoy happiness when it comes.

rebl. it is hard. I understand where you are coming from. I have started to think of it as a physical allergy. As in one can be exposed to a substance for years and display no reaction and then suddenly one develops an allergy. In the same way even the sound of my uNBPD mother's voice has started to trigger my PTSD. It brings back too many childhood traumas. It really doesn't matter if she is nice, or gaslighting and splitting black, I just cannot bear to be around her anymore. As long as my enabling dad is still alive I maintain LC, but after that I am for sure going to give myself a break.

And you? In relation to your father, what is it for you that has become too much?

[Swan22]

Hi rebl.brown,

My mother has BPD too, and I also struggle with this question. I spent a year where I chose to not communicate with my mother, while I tried to cope with the PTSD, anxiety, and Mind Body Syndrome (MBS=Physical symptoms to emotional pain) that resulted from my abusive childhood. When my father was suddenly passing away, it was necessary for me to open communication with my mother. That was about a year and a half ago.

I really agree with what joinedtheclub had to say about the battle:

"I don't think the healing is without scars, though.  There are scars that flare up from time to time.  But to quote Albus Dumbledore, "scars can be useful."  In the last book of the Harry Potter series, Harry reflects on the collection of scars he has accumulated through his battles with Voldemort.  He doesn't regret them, but grimly acknowledges their existence as proof that he fought.

In the same way, BPD parent scars are there.  You can see them clearly.  They were hard won - you are here now and you couldn't have gotten here without sustaining those scars."

The way I often like to put it is to think of a tree. Every year that tree survives there is a ring to show for it. And when you look at these rings, you can see the places where the tree was well nurtured, you can see the years where there was drought or flood, you can see the years where there were insect infestations or where the tree was hit by lightning.

We also have "rings" if you will, and we have the scars and weaker rings from our trying times too. In my mind, it doesn't necessarily get any easier, but with each new ring we do get stronger.

I'm only 25, and I know I don't have all the answers. But this imagery is comforting to me, so I wanted to share. I hope it helps a little.

All the best,

Swan22

[rebl.brown]

I cannot thank all of you enough for replying to this post. I am going to re-read the whole thing again, slowly. There have been helpful comments in every reply. I thought I had gotten to the point where I could relax and experience joy and peace... .then... .my brother who has always been a source of protection and joy began to experience memories. This started about 6 months ago. Up til then, he tolerated my struggles but never confirmed them. Now, it is as if a whole new Pandora's box has been opened. The memories have been so horrific and the feelings so overwhelming. While the unbelievable confirmation has been amazing I almost wish he never told me all the memories. Its like I could keep it manageable till now. Now that missing pieces have come forward, I feel like I am going to drown. I went NC with the female monster who is institutionalized and has been for years. But the other one, I've had to pretend and just... .pretend and be quiet. That relationship is LC. I find myself so filled with rage at him, now that my brother is talking I don't know what to do. The arrogance, the insulting comments, his complete delusion of reality. I can't stand it.

I think the allergy analogy (I like that rhyme, say it ten times real fast) helps a lot. I become hyper sensitive to certain triggers or events at certain times. Thank you all so much

[khibomsis]

rebl. that sounds awful. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through! Still, the worst is over, the things you both have survived are not going to happen again. Repressed memories are hard because recovering them means one has to process from the moment it got repressed. You have to back to that age and start from there. It is good of you to support your brother through this!

My experience of recovering repressed memories is that hard though it was, I would never want it undone. Identity in part is memory, who I am today is shaped by what I have been through. I was half a person until I allowed myself to remember my traumatic past. Now I am whole. After a lifetime of gaslighting I need truth at any price.

So there is light at the end of tunnel. It does get better. The rage burns out. I wish you peace, and indeed, give yourself a break from your father as you are able.   , khib