Decisions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When my husband painted our former church black, it was because 'they judged him' and 'rejected' his call - so they were the ones with the problem. Yeah, they said he was impulsive and not a good leader of his family, oh and they had given him direction that he refused to follow. It was compounded because I was a leader and they listened to me. We had to find a new church at that point because that one was 'bad'.

He had to shift the blame to them because he is 'aa good person'.

[empath]

When my husband painted our former church black, it was because 'they judged him' and 'rejected' his call - so they were the ones with the problem. Yeah, they said he was impulsive and not a good leader of his family, oh and they had given him direction that he refused to follow. It was compounded because I was a leader and they listened to me. We had to find a new church at that point because that one was 'bad'.

He had to shift the blame to them because he is 'aa good person'.

[formflier]

 

It could always happen, but,

She was the one that picked this place, was vocal that there was no place else better.

That is a widely held belief.  Especially among her peers or those that she is invested in and that are invested in her.

This has been very public.

Again, it could always happen.  This place is very literal in their reading and interpretation of the bible.  She would have to change a worldview to accomplish this.


FF

[HurtinNW]

FF, I'm curious, are you addressing her family dynamic as well? It seems to me a critical piece. Maybe the counselor could help provide support and insight for her because her family sounds like a bad influence, perhaps sinful in your church's view.

[chump]

What she got was a seasoned PhD type, that is a Christian, that has lived the life she is helping me with.

In my wildest dreams... .I don't think I could have asked for a better person to come into my life.

You really can't make this stuff up... .life is interesting.

FF

FF, after all you've been through and with everything you're dealing with at this moment, I was so happy to read this.

Chump.

[empath]

She would have to change a worldview to accomplish this.

It sounds like you are assuming that she is logical in her thought processes and consistent with the words that she says.

[Grey Kitty]

Not sure... .really not sure how she can walk away from the church without creating an entirely new persona.

The capacity to rewrite things is amazing. 

Yep, a battle plan with a cornerstone of her not being able to rewrite stuff isn't recommended! And more importantly, this is the symptom, not the problem.

She cannot face her own shame (or if she can, it is unbelievably hard), and will do almost anything to dance around it.

Try not to back her into a corner where she has to. And even though she "sets the perfect mousetrap" for herself, do anything you can to give her a way out. I don't think anybody does their best self-reflection and self-improvement when they feel trapped, and like everybody is turning against them. Especially her.

I know I did better at personal growth when I felt safe than when I felt like I was fighting for my survival.

If sleep can be respected... .I suspect there is some way to keep things going.  If not, I have made my decision.

For the entire time we lived in last state... .couple years... .sleep deprivation was not a tactic.  Sure, there was a time or two  but it was incidental.  For a long time in the previous state, it was a "tactic" of choice.

Yep, this is the one thing that matters right now. If she backs down on this and stays good, you will have time and space to do more, and so will she.

And if not, you know what you have to do.

[Fian]

So did she and the kids go to bed on time last night?

[formflier]

So did she and the kids go to bed on time last night?

Yep, to the minute precision.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sounds like she is extremely motivated to appear positive or "flawless" in MC eye.

Good to know.

I wonder what will happen if the result over a week, is a more rested FF, will she resist this as an outcome some other way?  (As it would be proof of her harming your sleep)

[formflier]

I feel amazing from all the sleep I have gotten in the past couple nights.

Wife seems really ticked, aloof.  Barely speaks to me other than in our mandatory meetings.

I asked her about it last night and she tried to stay calm and say that she was too busy to talk.  I agreed we are busy so we should schedule time as I reached for my computer and google calendar.  She got flustered and said we would have to talk about it in counseling,



Not yawning,

FF

[formflier]

Whether or not the counselor "gets it" about sleep, it's working. 

Especially for me following the rules of this site.

This morning D5 became disobedient at breakfast, decided she was done, all on her own.  And yes she cried when she decided to let Daddy help her back to her seat instead of choosing to walk back on her own.

Consequences.

She cried, and after I while I put her in our room to calm. 

Well, Mommy gave some speech about how it was all my fault and then went to rescue D5.  If I was tired, my guess is that would have been a confrontation, when Mommy went to another room.  I took the time to talk to D5 and she finally listened and I could tell I "got" to her. 

She didn't like it, but she heard.

I may bring up the "rescue" to my wife later, or save it till counseling.  But I can honestly say that I wasn't triggered inside.  More of an internal "eye roll".  I picked my strategy and stuck to it.  If there was bait tossed out to fight I didn't pick it up and I didn't create any bait either.

Sleep numbers

Last night 8.12 hours of therapy.  7 day average is 6.48.  30 days is 5.24.    You can tell numbers are heading up.


There is another metric.  Days greater than 4 hours therapy.  1 day is 1 day, 7 day is 7 days and 30 days is 25 days greater than 4 hours.  In other words, all the nights where I got less than 4 hours therapy sleep (machine on) are more than 7 days ago.

Glorious,  

FF

[GaGrl]

Does the MC know you monitor these sleep stats to this degree? Going over these stats and combining that with your description of how much better you handle stress could really help him "get it" to a greater degree.

However, I remain convinced that your wife's basic issue is that you aren't bringing in the executive 100k salary right now.

[KateCat]

Does the MC know you monitor these sleep stats to this degree? Going over these stats and combining that with your description of how much better you handle stress could really help him "get it" to a greater degree.

However, I remain convinced that your wife's basic issue is that you aren't bringing in the executive 100k salary right now.

Same here.

I think you need to choose your path very carefully now. Your wife hasn't shown the capacity to support your executive career in the past. She remains untreated for what appears to be a serious mental health condition. Tough choices. 

[formflier]

Will post more later.  Quick version.  My interview went well.  4 day work weeks.  Still 40 hrs.  They recruit military heavily.  Airport style security to get in building.

All of my executive work would be inside building, in my world.

Can you guys see why I have been chasing this company?

Oh, and cell phones get turned in at door as well.

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

Great new on the sleep and the job without phones!

 Awesome! 

[formflier]

 

I should know by end of this coming week, or the following week.  But I know for sure this is the final interview.

Commute is a bit longer than I wanted, about 40 minutes.  But, like a lot of the other stuff there, it provides a buffer.

FF

[JQ]

FF,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this brother. I wish you the best on the interview!  It sounds like your back in the super secret squirrel world again ... .and enjoying it!   

As far as the sleep thing, my flight surgeon turned me onto Melatonin for our cross country flights and when we were doing months of night flights. I prefer the 10mg tablets from Natures Bounty, they seem to work the best. Some nights it take 30mgs, others I take 50 mgs and when it's really tough, try some Benadryl too. if the flight surgeon recommends it you know you won't pop on the pee pee test too 

Stay strong! You got this and we got your back!   

J

[Grey Kitty]

Well, Mommy gave some speech about how it was all my fault and then went to rescue D5.  If I was tired, my guess is that would have been a confrontation, when Mommy went to another room.  I took the time to talk to D5 and she finally listened and I could tell I "got" to her. 

She didn't like it, but she heard.

I may bring up the "rescue" to my wife later, or save it till counseling.  But I can honestly say that I wasn't triggered inside.  More of an internal "eye roll".  I picked my strategy and stuck to it.  If there was bait tossed out to fight I didn't pick it up and I didn't create any bait either.

Please don't bring it up, in counseling, or outside counseling. (If she brings it up in counseling, speak to it, 'tho)

My take--your wife is really really REALLY struggling with the counselor laying down the law and saying that your position about your sleep is right and she is to obey that.

Choose your battles, man. If her behavior on sleep hygiene is right, don't even chase anything else until it becomes a cheerful version of normal in the house.

Especially if you get a new job which changes the household dynamic a lot--it *may* be exactly what she wants to have you working a job and bringing in lots of money and her free to be a full-time mom again... .but transitions are stressful, and she doesn't do stress well.

Now isn't the time.