For those on the fence about therapy

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

For those that are on the fence about deciding therapy is worth the time/effort DO IT!

Find someone knowledgable in borderlines and get yourself booked in for a session. This has not been a fun week for me, 80 hours work, facebook stalked my ex and replacement, not coping very well, getting run down, just got good at all.

An hour later, I've been given some great coping strategies, my therapist helped un-jumble my thoughts and has given me mindfulness exercises to help with excessive focus on negative thoughts.

Perhaps the most important part? VALIDATION from a trained professional telling me not to feel guilty about the fact that with all the horrible things going on in the world, I'm not being selfish because I'm hung up on a BPD breakup.

Will this high wear off? Sure will, probably before I go to bed tonight but tonight the world is a little less crappy and I have some great tools at my disposal for getting through the inevitable rough times.

I'm only 3 sessions in, early early stages but I can see that keeping this up will speed up my recovery greatly.

Just my 2c, (all I have left after I paid my therapist )

[Ahoy]

For those that are on the fence about deciding therapy is worth the time/effort DO IT!

Find someone knowledgable in borderlines and get yourself booked in for a session. This has not been a fun week for me, 80 hours work, facebook stalked my ex and replacement, not coping very well, getting run down, just got good at all.

An hour later, I've been given some great coping strategies, my therapist helped un-jumble my thoughts and has given me mindfulness exercises to help with excessive focus on negative thoughts.

Perhaps the most important part? VALIDATION from a trained professional telling me not to feel guilty about the fact that with all the horrible things going on in the world, I'm not being selfish because I'm hung up on a BPD breakup.

Will this high wear off? Sure will, probably before I go to bed tonight but tonight the world is a little less crappy and I have some great tools at my disposal for getting through the inevitable rough times.

I'm only 3 sessions in, early early stages but I can see that keeping this up will speed up my recovery greatly.

Just my 2c, (all I have left after I paid my therapist )

[Nuitari]

I want to see a therapist. I Compulsively focus on negative thoughts and feelings to the point where it interferes with routine daily activities. I can't un-jumble my thoughts and sort out what was my fault and what was hers. Throughout the course of my day I oscillate back and forth between loving her and hating her. I think my judgment has become so clouded by my emotions that I sometimes ascribe actions and motivations to her that may not exist. I don't even know what to believe anymore. I constantly have to remind myself that she is mentally ill. All the signs are there. But I keep falling back into the mindset of thinking that I could have done something differently, that I messed up the relationship.

I'm a complete mess, and I know that I need to seek therapy. But I think its going to be hard for me to open up to a complete stranger about all this. I'm usually a very reserved person and its hard for me to show my feelings (this is actually one of the reasons I blame myself for failing in the relationship). I'm not one to cry, but I'm unable to talk about this stuff without sobbing uncontrollably. I don't know if I could get past the humiliation to benefit from the therapy. Another issue is money. My relationship with my ex ended up costing me my job, and I don't know if its even financially feasible. But I do know that I need to do something. I keep hearing that with NC I'll eventually recover, but I've been on NC for over eight months and I still feel just as depressed/confused/angry as I was on day one, in some ways even more so. The NC alone just isn't enough. There's something more I need to do to move on.

[WoundedBibi]

I want to see a therapist. I Compulsively focus on negative thoughts and feelings to the point where it interferes with routine daily activities. I can't un-jumble my thoughts and sort out what was my fault and what was hers. Throughout the course of my day I oscillate back and forth between loving her and hating her. I think my judgment has become so clouded by my emotions that I sometimes ascribe actions and motivations to her that may not exist. I don't even know what to believe anymore. I constantly have to remind myself that she is mentally ill. All the signs are there. But I keep falling back into the mindset of thinking that I could have done something differently, that I messed up the relationship.

I'm a complete mess, and I know that I need to seek therapy. But I think its going to be hard for me to open up to a complete stranger about all this. I'm usually a very reserved person and its hard for me to show my feelings (this is actually one of the reasons I blame myself for failing in the relationship). I'm not one to cry, but I'm unable to talk about this stuff without sobbing uncontrollably. I don't know if I could get past the humiliation to benefit from the therapy. Another issue is money. My relationship with my ex ended up costing me my job, and I don't know if its even financially feasible. But I do know that I need to do something. I keep hearing that with NC I'll eventually recover, but I've been on NC for over eight months and I still feel just as depressed/confused/angry as I was on day one, in some ways even more so. The NC alone just isn't enough. There's something more I need to do to move on.

Check if you can manage it financially. I think it can be what you need as the next step.

What you could do to make it feel less like a stranger and to make sure the therapist is a right fit for you, is to do just an introduction talk with let's say 3 different ones. And be honest that is what you are doing. Let them talk about who they are and how they work. Listen to your gut. Who feels like a good fit for you?

Therapy might teach you to open up.

In a healthy adult relationship being able to open up and express your feelings is an absolute essential skill.

So perhaps the first few sessions you really start working you sob and nothing else. So what? What is humiliating about that in your perception?

[blackbirdsong]

I think I would be in a much darker place now (5 months after I left) if I haven't start the therapy. It really help me, not just to heal BPD r/s wounds but to also learn about myself and deep reasons why I ended in this r/s... .

[steelwork]

I'm going to repeat my spiel about low-cost therapy for those who can't afford it and don't have good insurance: if you are in an area with a university or a big hospital, look into psychotherapy training programs that offer client services. Do not be put off by the word "training". These are generally licensed social workers and psychologists who are getting additional training under faculty supervision. They have applied for and been accepted to a selective training institute--sometimes extremely selective--which is a vetting process that the average person would never have access to. Yelp reviews and recommendations from friends are no substitute. My current T is a postdoctoral fellow at a university, and she is the best (for me), smartest, most intuitive and empathetic of the many I've seen over my lifetime.

So please, everyone, do not turn your nose up at a low-cost alternative because it's a training program. You may be missing out on a far superior therapist to the one your boss or your friend or an online review site recommends!

Another thing: soapbox... .

I know that right now it seems like the most important thing is that your T "understands" or is "familiar with" BPD. But any qualified therapist should be familiar with BPD. They may put more or less importance on the diagnosis, and they may not even want to discuss your ex's diagnosis or possible diagnosis (mine doesn't, and for good reason), but that should not be how you evaluate a therapist, in my opinion. Your ex is not the patient. This therapy is for you! With any luck, you will be exploring things beyond this particular relationship before long.

[HurtinNW]

I'm going to repeat my spiel about low-cost therapy for those who can't afford it and don't have good insurance: if you are in an area with a university or a big hospital, look into psychotherapy training programs that offer client services. Do not be put off by the word "training". These are generally licensed social workers and psychologists who are getting additional training under faculty supervision. They have applied for and been accepted to a selective training institute--sometimes extremely selective--which is a vetting process that the average person would never have access to. Yelp reviews and recommendations from friends are no substitute. My current T is a postdoctoral fellow at a university, and she is the best (for me), smartest, most intuitive and empathetic of the many I've seen over my lifetime.

So please, everyone, do not turn your nose up at a low-cost alternative because it's a training program. You may be missing out on a far superior therapist to the one your boss or your friend or an online review site recommends!

Another thing: soapbox... .

I know that right now it seems like the most important thing is that your T "understands" or is "familiar with" BPD. But any qualified therapist should be familiar with BPD. They may put more or less importance on the diagnosis, and they may not even want to discuss your ex's diagnosis or possible diagnosis (mine doesn't, and for good reason), but that should not be how you evaluate a therapist, in my opinion. Your ex is not the patient. This therapy is for you! With any luck, you will be exploring things beyond this particular relationship before long.

This is such excellent advice!

Also, keep in mind most areas have free or low cost groups. You can look into twelve step groups, or abuse support groups. A lot of people like the twelve step model because you get a sponsor. A good sponsor can be a lifesaver if you struggle with codependency.

There are also groups led by a therapist. A well-led group can be a pretty amazing therapeutic experience, and it is nice to feel like you aren't the only one. I am going to one that is a support group for people who experienced partner abuse.

Along with support groups you can check out Divorce Care or other programs for people exiting relationships. I did Divorce Care following the end of a long-term relationship years ago, and it was really helpful. They have programs for kids too. Also dirt cheap.

I second finding a way to budget a therapist as well if you can. I am on a tight budget but people here encouraged me to tighten our belts so I can see my counselor. It has been so amazingly helpful. My therapist is also low cost. I met her when she was in training and being supervised. She still lets me have the training rate, though she is now licensed. She's the best therapist I've ever had, and is helping me so much with my trauma history and why I got involved in this relationship.

And Nuitari, I know it is hard to think of opening up to a stranger, but a good therapist will make you feel comfortable. There is nothing shameful about getting help for yourself! 

[GoingBack2OC]

I see a therapist. Hes really good. Years back, when I first went, I went once a week, because I could afford it.

Now I go more like 1 time every other month due to the cost.

It's $300/hour/session. He doesnt take insurance. But does provide the paperwork to submit, of which I get about $60 back.

But I'd say its worth it, and I am sure price varies on location. I live in an uber expensive area, I believe this zipcode general area is #2 or #3 for cost of living in the US.  A 750 sq foot condo, 1 BR 1 BA is $400,000. So, keep that in mind and dont let the price I quoted scare you.

It does help.

[Nuitari]

You know, the more I read these comments, the more I'm tempted to go for it. I can't emotionally detach from my experiences with my ex long enough to even make sense of them, and I'm beginning to think I'll never do that without help.

So perhaps the first few sessions you really start working you sob and nothing else. So what? What is humiliating about that in your perception?

Its embarrassing because I'm a grown man. I'm not just talking about shedding a few tears. I'm going to break down and cry uncontrollably like a baby. I'm afraid its going to get awkward. Until I met my ex, I hadn't cried in about twenty years, and now I'm a basket case. She really did a number on me.

Here's what's going to be hard. There are some really personal things I'm going to need to share with the therapist in order to really make sense of everything. I've been sharing things with you guys for a couple of months now, but there are some things that I haven't even been able to go into here. If I can't share something with strangers on an anonymous message board, how hard will it be to actually tell these stories to someone's face?  I think I'll need some time to get comfortable with the idea, but I'm liking the idea of therapy better and better.

I know that right now it seems like the most important thing is that your T "understands" or is "familiar with" BPD. But any qualified therapist should be familiar with BPD. They may put more or less importance on the diagnosis, and they may not even want to discuss your ex's diagnosis or possible diagnosis (mine doesn't, and for good reason), but that should not be how you evaluate a therapist, in my opinion. Your ex is not the patient. This therapy is for you! With any luck, you will be exploring things beyond this particular relationship before long.

For me, having a therapist willing to discuss my ex's BPD is a big plus. A lack of understanding of my ex and her erratic behavior is a big issue for me, and I think having understanding is what its going to take to help me let go and move on. This place has been a big help, but I think I could really benefit from discussing my ex with someone one-on-one.

[WoundedBibi]

You know, the more I read these comments, the more I'm tempted to go for it. I can't emotionally detach from my experiences with my ex long enough to even make sense of them, and I'm beginning to think I'll never do that without help.

So perhaps the first few sessions you really start working you sob and nothing else. So what? What is humiliating about that in your perception?

Its embarrassing because I'm a grown man. I'm not just talking about shedding a few tears. I'm going to break down and cry uncontrollably like a baby. I'm afraid its going to get awkward. Until I met my ex, I hadn't cried in about twenty years, and now I'm a basket case. She really did a number on me.

Here's what's going to be hard. There are some really personal things I'm going to need to share with the therapist in order to really make sense of everything. I've been sharing things with you guys for a couple of months now, but there are some things that I haven't even been able to go into here. If I can't share something with strangers on an anonymous message board, how hard will it be to actually tell these stories to someone's face?  I think I'll need some time to get comfortable with the idea, but I'm liking the idea of therapy better and better.

I know that right now it seems like the most important thing is that your T "understands" or is "familiar with" BPD. But any qualified therapist should be familiar with BPD. They may put more or less importance on the diagnosis, and they may not even want to discuss your ex's diagnosis or possible diagnosis (mine doesn't, and for good reason), but that should not be how you evaluate a therapist, in my opinion. Your ex is not the patient. This therapy is for you! With any luck, you will be exploring things beyond this particular relationship before long.

For me, having a therapist willing to discuss my ex's BPD is a big plus. A lack of understanding of my ex and her erratic behavior is a big issue for me, and I think having understanding is what its going to take to help me let go and move on. This place has been a big help, but I think I could really benefit from discussing my ex with someone one-on-one.

Of course a T will discuss your ex with you. They discuss whatever you want. That is you talk, they listen. And ask a question every now and again. What they will not do is diagnose someone who is not in the room. For obvious reasons.

Honestly, I think it will really help you. Sobbing can heal too. And talking about the really private stuff is not the first thing you do on the first appointment... Nor would a T expect you to. Now THAT would really be a PD thing    Coming in, first appointment, "hello I'm Nuitari" and bursting out all the private stuff in the first 15 minutes 

[HurtinNW]

When I met my current therapist I ended up sobbing in the first session. I had two family members commit suicide and I had lost a child, all in a short amount of time. I was not in a good place.  :'(

A good therapist will make you feel at ease to share whatever you care comfortable sharing.

[steelwork]

Any therapist who doesn't understand what you're going through is not the right therapist--full stop. It's not about being an expert on BPD--it's about being empathetic, intuitive, patient, and educated.

And yes--the sobbing even by itself will probably make you feel better. It releases all kinds of tension and washes away barriers between your head and your emotions. Don't be afraid.

[JQ]

I'm going to repeat my spiel about low-cost therapy for those who can't afford it and don't have good insurance: if you are in an area with a university or a big hospital, look into psychotherapy training programs that offer client services. Do not be put off by the word "training". These are generally licensed social workers and psychologists who are getting additional training under faculty supervision. They have applied for and been accepted to a selective training institute--sometimes extremely selective--which is a vetting process that the average person would never have access to. Yelp reviews and recommendations from friends are no substitute. My current T is a postdoctoral fellow at a university, and she is the best (for me), smartest, most intuitive and empathetic of the many I've seen over my lifetime.

So please, everyone, do not turn your nose up at a low-cost alternative because it's a training program. You may be missing out on a far superior therapist to the one your boss or your friend or an online review site recommends!

Another thing: soapbox... .

I know that right now it seems like the most important thing is that your T "understands" or is "familiar with" BPD. But any qualified therapist should be familiar with BPD. They may put more or less importance on the diagnosis, and they may not even want to discuss your ex's diagnosis or possible diagnosis (mine doesn't, and for good reason), but that should not be how you evaluate a therapist, in my opinion. Your ex is not the patient. This therapy is for you! With any luck, you will be exploring things beyond this particular relationship before long.

Outstanding idea Steelwork!  Another means of one person here helping the group finding ways to recover, heal, and move forward on our own path!

I would also echo what Ahoy says, in part a good therapist helps with sorting out your own thoughts, fears, emotions, on not only BPD but yourself. It's is truly part of the healing process.  As others have said, find a good one by interviewing them about their experiences with BPD & Codependent r/s. And since we're all at least a little Codependent then go down that path and find out why you are. Look at your history and learn so that you can go forward with knowledge and be a better person just not to others but be a better person for yourself.

Learn to like yourself again, learn to explore life, love life    

J

[HarleypsychRN]

Therapy is essential when disengaging from a Borderline IMHO. I used a number of sources: books, audio books, youtube videos (Spartan Life Coach worked for me) and scholarly articles (yes I'm in the profession and still got sucked in). The atricles on BPD family are essential reading. Those are the things that saved my sanity.

My therapist has been absolutely wonderful. I highly recommend therapy especially if you suspect you are a co-dependent. Something about you may have drew that BPD to you. Perhaps it would be good to find out why? In my case, I am a classic rescuer/empath. Watching out for everyone else but myself.

[once removed]

this is a therapist who happens to work with people with BPD, traits of the disorder, among other disorders. she has two videos on what to expect with a therapist, as well as a simulated first visit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FiVVAOXiEQ (What happens during a first therapy appointment?)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpZBuebqHpg (Demonstrating a therapy appointment with Kati Morton)

[jhkbuzz]

You know, the more I read these comments, the more I'm tempted to go for it. I can't emotionally detach from my experiences with my ex long enough to even make sense of them, and I'm beginning to think I'll never do that without help.

So perhaps the first few sessions you really start working you sob and nothing else. So what? What is humiliating about that in your perception?

Its embarrassing because I'm a grown man. I'm not just talking about shedding a few tears. I'm going to break down and cry uncontrollably like a baby. I'm afraid its going to get awkward. Until I met my ex, I hadn't cried in about twenty years, and now I'm a basket case. She really did a number on me.

Here's what's going to be hard. There are some really personal things I'm going to need to share with the therapist in order to really make sense of everything. I've been sharing things with you guys for a couple of months now, but there are some things that I haven't even been able to go into here. If I can't share something with strangers on an anonymous message board, how hard will it be to actually tell these stories to someone's face?  I think I'll need some time to get comfortable with the idea, but I'm liking the idea of therapy better and better.

I know that right now it seems like the most important thing is that your T "understands" or is "familiar with" BPD. But any qualified therapist should be familiar with BPD. They may put more or less importance on the diagnosis, and they may not even want to discuss your ex's diagnosis or possible diagnosis (mine doesn't, and for good reason), but that should not be how you evaluate a therapist, in my opinion. Your ex is not the patient. This therapy is for you! With any luck, you will be exploring things beyond this particular relationship before long.

For me, having a therapist willing to discuss my ex's BPD is a big plus. A lack of understanding of my ex and her erratic behavior is a big issue for me, and I think having understanding is what its going to take to help me let go and move on. This place has been a big help, but I think I could really benefit from discussing my ex with someone one-on-one.

I got into therapy as my r/s was ending. It was, by far, the best thing I could have done.

My T has treated people with BPD (among other personality disorders), and her experience was invaluable to me. I understand now that therapy is for me, but I first had to make sense of the last 8 years of my life - I couldn't let it go without making sense of it. Once I did I could shift the focus to myself. I am grateful that my T talked through the r/s with me, and had the background and experience to help me make sense of it all.

As for "crying like a baby" - one of the things that struck me after my r/s ended was that I cried like a baby for months after it was over. And I mean, I cried the same way I used to cry when I was little. It shocked me - but I couldn't seem to stop it. I now understand that my ex re-opened some of my very old childhood wounds, and THAT is really what I was crying about.

Don't be embarrassed about crying in front of a T - they see people cry every day! Also keep in mind that the r/s with your T goes as fast as YOU want it to. It took me time to build up trust, that's natural.

I hope you take the step soon... .

[sunflowerpanda]

Reading posts like these makes me want to get into therapy. The major constraint in my life has been my finances. Opening up to someone has never been the issue. Here is one reason therapy is worth considering: not investing on it now might keep you miserable/poor/weak later. Still awaiting that push to take the next step though... .:-P

[Ahoy]

Reading posts like these makes me want to get into therapy. The major constraint in my life has been my finances. Opening up to someone has never been the issue. Here is one reason therapy is worth considering: not investing on it now might keep you miserable/poor/weak later. Still awaiting that push to take the next step though... .:-P

If you feel it could help you, it is 100% an investment in your future. Who can put a price on potential future happiness?

[sunflowerpanda]

If you feel it could help you, it is 100% an investment in your future. Who can put a price on potential future happiness?

True 

[HurtinNW]

Is it worth twenty lattes or a few nights at the bar? Heck yes!

[JQ]

If you feel it could help you, it is 100% an investment in your future. Who can put a price on potential future happiness?

True   

Sunflower, as steelwork suggested, if you have a major university medical facility near you they are a good inexpensive / free means to get what you need.  They can also refer you to other sources as well.  Steelwork is the poop! 

J