Am I wrong?

[lisazoe]

This post is probably the most frustrating one I will ever write.  I don't know if I'm OK to be feeling this way or if I am wrong and need to get over myself... .I'm really struggling with this one.

So we haven't had any contact with uBPD MIL for about 3 mths due to my partner telling her he was sick of her crap and told her to go away not so politely.

The last 3 mths have been absolute bliss with no stresses etc.  However we get a warning from my partner's sister that his mother is on her way down and is going to come visit but his sister wasn't supposed to tell us as it was meant to be a surprise. 

So glad his sister told us so it gave us time to prepare.  My partner was very stressed about her coming and really wished she wasn't and needless to say I was feeling the same way considering how much she hates me.  Anyway she came and was only here for about 10 mins and stayed outside with my partner while I stayed inside (better for me to stay away as I can't trust myself to not say the wrong thing)

Well it actually went well for my partner which I am happy for him about.  Not once did they mention me which I guess is a good thing as that would be the trigger to them having an argument again.  He showed her the new car which she liked it was all very pleasant and then he had to go get the cow's in for milking so she left.  Afterwards he tells me that he asked her if his brother could come down to stay with us in the dry off season in June.  She said no you will have to come up to our house to see us.

Here lies my conflict... .while I'm pleased there was no arguing etc all of a sudden it's like my partner has changed his tune and suddenly mummy is ok again.  I know its not .  I told him if he goes up to visit there will be drama and he will only get mad and probably come home again.  His best mate doesn't live in the same town as his parents anymore so he hasn't got an escape up there if things get bad.  (they live about 5 hrs away)  So then he gets mad and says fine I won't go and I'm like no you go if you want to but you need to think about it.  Plus the fact  (and this is very petty) he wants to take the dog with him which is our family dog that his mum believes is only his dog and thinks how wonderful it is.  My dog is awesome I will agree with the MIL there but the dog is half mine and I don't want her going up there!  I want my partner to let her know that Ruby is also my dog!  I guess I also know that while he's there she's going to use the opportunity to go at him about being with me and doing farming which she thinks he's better than.  My insecurities make me paranoid that she will get in his head again like she did when he was growing up and he will listen to her. 

The rational part of me trusts him that he has seen the light and won't let that happen.  It also upsets me how she is using his little brother as emotional blackmail against him (i.e wont' let him come to stay with us so if partner wants to see him he has to go up there).  I hate kids being used as pawns in a game, it really gets to me so I'm like why would you want to pamper to her and give in!  In fact I lost the plot at him and told him I hate how everyone in his family pampers to her to keep the peace.  My morals won't allow me to pamper to her after every horrible thing she has done to me and I guess I find it hard to understand how he can just switch from wanting nothing to do with her to wanting to go home!

I know it's not just her up there that he will get to see his dad and sister as well as his little brother and I do want him to go up there for those reasons. 

I feel selfish and maybe even a little jealous as I wished like hell it could all just be normal but it never will be and it's a whole part of his life I miss out on.  I will be left at home alone (although I'm insisting on having the dog stay with me) while he's up there listening to god knows what from that toxic person! 

Sorry for the long novel thank you for reading if you did haha

[Kwamina]

Hi lisazoe

Sorry for the long novel thank you for reading if you did haha

I did read it and it really wasn't that long you know!

I don't think you are wrong for feeling the way you do. Whether he goes up there or not, is indeed his decision to make. I do understand your frustration though, especially considering everything that has happened before and the recent period of NC.

The dog is not only his but also yours so I think your stance is justified. Pets are part of the family too so him taking the dog or not is a decision the two of you need to make together.

I guess I also know that while he's there she's going to use the opportunity to go at him about being with me and doing farming which she thinks he's better than.  My insecurities make me paranoid that she will get in his head again like she did when he was growing up and he will listen to her.

Perhaps it can help you to try and stay in the moment and focus on the things you have control over, your own behavior and boundaries. Thinking too far ahead can cause a lot of anxiety, I think it might help to focus on the present moment and the things you can control. How does that sound to you?

Take care

[HappyChappy]

Hi Lisazoe,

To answer you question , I don’t think you’re wrong to think the way you do. The behaviour you describe is very BPD and hence your conclusions are reasonable. Your partner’s reaction seems reasonable, in that we all want a relationship with our mother, even if the BPD make that very hard. You’ll see people on this form who live with their BPD others that are Low contact and others that a no contact. All valid approaches.

If I can way lay  your concerns slightly, once you’re aware that someone is a BPD and identify their of narcistic manipulation, it all loses potency. I assume your partner is on board with the BPD theory, and should be able to see it for what it is. My BPD trashed every single partner I ever had. Ironically, that made me even keener to be with them. I would have been more worried if my BPD had approved.

I would echo Kawanie’s point about mindfulness, i.e. focusing on the now and worry about what you can change. It helps me reduce anxiety. That said and done, if you ever do have the choice, it’s often a good idea to meet a BPD in public on neutral ground.  This tends to inhibit a BPD as they care about what the crowd has to say. But often, they engineer choice out of the equation.

[joinedtheclub]

Hi,

It sounds like you've received some good reflections already.

The only other thing to add is that, yup you might be feeling selfish and that's okay.  Instead of selfish, call it "rational self-interest" (reference:  Ayn Rand). 

It's perfectly fine for someone to feel that they should have some power and control over their lives - it is not selfish at all - it's actually appropriate.

I'm a guy like your husband:  it took me a while to sort everything out.  There was a time when my wife was far ahead of me in understanding everything.  I was stuck, trying to convince myself that there was some good in my mother somewhere.  It's a horrible feeling to realize that you have as a parent someone who is manipulative and awful.  It was grief.  So, your husband might still be trying to look for good and hope against hope that this three month separation made a difference.  I suggest you being patient with him, because his only other conclusion is that his mother will never change no matter what.  I remember crying and crying when I finally came to that conclusion. 

If you can be there for him, knowing that he has a longer journey ahead of him with his relationship with his mother (complicated by his younger brother being used as a pawn), you will be doing him a great good.

He is probably taking the dog because he knows he needs someone who will be his support or buddy.  He doesn't want to take you and subject you to things, but he knows your dog will be okay.

It is lonely and kind of scary to go back to where your BPD parent is with no one to talk to at all, no matter how crazy things get.

Stick to your core:  you love your partner, he loves you, help each other, and things will work out.

I guess the last thing might be for you to suggest to him that he talk to a therapist about all of this if he hasn't already.  Tell him from me that I'm a successful guy and went through all of this, and my time with a therapist was incredibly helpful in settling things out, thinking things out, and helping label the craziness for what it was.  I only did 6 session (with the same therapist) and it was amazing.

I hope things work out,

JTC

[lisazoe]

Thank you all for your again wonderful insight and advice   This forum really is a godsend

JTC you have really hit the nail on the head for me and reading your post was so so helpful in how I need to think right now!  My OH is exactly where you were and I am in the position where your wife was in that I'm ahead in the understanding of his BPD mother and how she is acting.

A couple of phone calls after the visit and now he is all yay I love Mummy and it makes me so frustrated as I know (wish I was wrong) that yeah all good for now but just wait and all the lectures on how awful I am, how bad his job is, and how he should move back home etc etc will start up again.

While part of me is pleased it is going well for him at the moment the other part of me is anxious and waiting for the bomb to fall again where I am going to pick up the pieces.  I have decided that I have to try not to think about things that haven't happened yet as all of you have said, and let him find out for himself and then grieve when his mother isn't what he believes her to be.

I will try my best to support him as much as I can but what scares me is I don't know how long I can keep repeating this cycle for.  I love him very much but the stress and anxiety I get from this whole situation is very taxing.  I have been lucky enough to not suffer depression but I think I have definitely got some anxiety issues and therefor I tend to over think things and yes as you have seen be anxious about situations that I think may happen but haven't happened yet!  (that could also be typical female issues though hahaha)

[Kwamina]

I have decided that I have to try not to think about things that haven't happened yet as all of you have said, and let him find out for himself and then grieve when his mother isn't what he believes her to be.

Grieving is tough. Acceptance of this reality means letting go of the loving supportive healthy fantasy parent your husband might never have had, still probably does not have and unfortunately might never have. Getting out of denial and acknowledging this reality can take time for children of BPD parents might deep inside always keep longing for the fantasy parent. The tears joinedtheclub describes reflect the pain many of us (including me) have felt. The tears can also be a turning point, this can be a transformative event if and when the time comes.

I will try my best to support him as much as I can but what scares me is I don't know how long I can keep repeating this cycle for.  I love him very much but the stress and anxiety I get from this whole situation is very taxing.  I have been lucky enough to not suffer depression but I think I have definitely got some anxiety issues and therefor I tend to over think things and yes as you have seen be anxious about situations that I think may happen but haven't happened yet!  (that could also be typical female issues though hahaha)

Good to see you still got a sense of humor

Being supportive and trying to be there for him is a positive thing I think. At the same time it is also important to be supportive of yourself and take good care of yourself. Your own needs and boundaries are just as important as your husband's needs and boundaries.

To help you deal with your anxiety and over thinking, it might also help to look at Dr David D. Burns' list of distorted or warped thinking patterns:

• All or none thinking: Everything is perceived to be either full on or full off. If something isn't fully completed/ or right/ or perfect/ then it's entirely uncompleted/wrong/spoiled.



• Overgeneralisation: One example of a mistake or error is interpreted as a pattern of mistakes, and errors.



• Mental filter: One (negative) part of the picture is examined to the exclusion of the larger (positive) part.



• Disqualifying the positive: Dismissing or ignoring any positive comment/achievement/compliment.



• Jumping to conclusions: You think negatively about something without supporting evidence. There are two errors:
  
  o   Mind reading: You think without any evidence that someone is thinking negatively about you.
  
  o   The fortune teller error: You truly believe that you know what will happen in the future, without evidence.



• Magnification or minimization: This is making small things much larger than they deserve, and making other things much smaller than they are in reality.



• Emotional reasoning: Thinking that emotional states legitimately reflect reality.



• Should statements: Thinking in terms of should, must, ought imposes a view about the way the world is which may not tie in with reality, and which induces emotional unhappiness, resentment and guilt.



• Labelling and mislabeling: This involves describing actions or events in an over-the-top, emotionally coloured way. Name calling.



• Personalisation: This involves attributing blame to self for an event where the responsibility is not fully yours, only partly yours or not yours at all.