Did your ex change after the breakup?

[Ahoy]

I only have Instagram photos to go off but my ex told me she was conservative when we were together, her favourite thing was to run up to me showing girls on Instagram showing cleavage and happily say "there is no way I would ever do that"

Another time was when we were staying in a hotel and we decided to use the pool, it was a giant pool, plenty of room and then there were people in/around it. She got self conscious and freaked out telling me we have to leave straight away.

Fast forward to now, when she made her Instagram public and a mate told me to see the real her, I saw pics of her in a bikini at the beach, cleavage shots and seductive poses on a bed. I would have said 100% not her if it wasn't for her face being there.

I'm sure she is mirroring her new guy too, but this one caught me off guard, maybe she thought I liked conservative women so she mirrored that to me? The thing is her self esteem issues with her body seemed real to me, I just can't fathom this turnaround.

[Herodias]

Yes, very much so... .they mirror who they are with in an extreme way. Not just to get someone to like them, it's to get the person to love them. Mine was a party person with his first gf, an heroin addict with his heroin addict gf, a career bound, conservative type of person who wanted to live the city life as if we were wealthy (more like his upbringing) did not want kids and now he is a country boy headed to live in the mountains of Tennessee with his new gf who is pregnant and even has a southern accent! So, don't even be surprised. They lie and are good actors. They have a core person underneath though that always eventually comes out. This is why I believe they cannot be happy because they are always portraying to be someone they are not. They cannot be alone, so they will not wait to find someone they are truly compatible with. And yes, I think they decide what they think you like and mirror that!

[WoundedBibi]

No, he changed before the breakup. He was a happy bouncy funny soft sensitive man most of the time when he pursued me. After he had me the bitter depressed gossiping boozing passive aggressive a... hole he sometimes was beforehand came out full time.

He is very different though in different stages of his life. Depending on how he feels. And on what happens. If he has a relationship or that it just failed (again), has just got a job (shy and low profile), has a job (cool and hardworking upwards, nonconfrontational and too chummy downwards, charming and hardworking with peers), has a job and it's not working out (passive aggressive and even harder working upwards, even more nonconfrontational and too chummy downwards, complaining and slacking with peers), just got fired again (bitter and in full narcisstic collapse). It depends on how much he drinks. On how much drugs he is using. On who he is or has been mirroring (partners or friends or flying monkeys) on who he thinks he is or wants to be as an individual or career wise.

It depends whether he feels in a good place in life or not.

The pictures I have show very different people. In clothing. In facial expression. In charisma/what he exudes. It's like I'm looking at completely different people and the pictures are not that far apart in time. Sometimes he is a confident man. Sometimes a shy boy. Sometimes a seductive Casanova. Sometimes a soft damaged soul. Sometimes a blank canvas. Sometimes a brooding tortured artist. Sometimes a misunderstood sulking teenager. He is a chameleon.

[steelwork]

I had such minimal contact after the b/u that I can't say for sure, but I think he must be very different.

For one thing, he said (after a month of no contact immediately post discard): "I feel like a different person now."

For another, the girl he got with is someone he was openly contemptuous of before.

Most significantly, he became a different person with his ex: a conservative family man, good earner, materialistic lifestyle, etc. this, he said when we were together, had not been the "real him."

Sadly, I suspect there is no real him.

[Hadlee]

Yes indeed.  I have an ex romantic partner as well as an ex friend.  My former friend has changed the most out of the two.  She has done a complete turnaround on what she is interested in due to the attachment/friend she is mirroring.  Her likes are different, the phrases she uses are different, her whole demeanor appears different.  She is so "into" the interests of the attachment that it's laughable.  Laughable due to the fact she hated those things before  

It is the craziest thing I have ever seen in my life

[Hadlee]

Sometimes he is a confident man. Sometimes a shy boy. Sometimes a seductive Casanova. Sometimes a soft damaged soul. Sometimes a blank canvas. Sometimes a brooding tortured artist. Sometimes a misunderstood sulking teenager. He is a chameleon.

I have seen those faces too!

[troisette]

I saw him change during our relationship. Depending on who he was with. A liberal to left-wingers. Hard right, anti-immigration and anti-semitic with others. Artistic to some. Hard nosed with others. Woman's man. Men's man. Chauvinistic. Non-sexist.

I became confused because I didn't know the person I thought I knew when we were at home:

Domesticated, loving, tactile and relaxed - but now I wonder if he was just mirroring me too.

Another chameleon.

[JQ]

Hi Ahoy, Group,

I believe this is a good string with some physical observations of our respective BPD r/s.  I received a few pictures of my exBPDgf over the 2 1/2 yrs we were riding the crazy train roller coaster. 

I had gone through them several times over that period of time and a couple of times since things ended and noticed a changes. Not as drastic as what you speak of, but small changes in your eyes, facial expressions, her hair, with and without glasses. At times she look older, at others she looked younger. Some times she looked rested, other times she look exhausted.

Amazing changes of someone in such a short period of time, you would think that these pictures were taking over a longer period of time.  It's incredible to think what this mental illness can do to a person physically to their body and not just their personality or who they are at the core. Ah, but this is not my problem or our problem now is it.

A couple of you mentioned that they "mirror" the person they're with.  We all have learned that a pwBPD have NO sense of self, they are lost in a world on a endless journey to try and find who they are. It has to be exhausting so they take some time to try and assume the identity of the person their with if only for a short period of time before they continue their endless journey.  A pwBPD will be on a perpetual journey trying to find themselves only to find empty boxes along their journey.

J

[once removed]

hi ahoy  

you may know by now that a person with BPD lacks a stable sense of self. values, attitudes, opinions, beliefs, some of the things that speak to who we are or define us, may change on a dime.

its interesting; my ex was generally pretty consistent in this regard. i think most people that know her or have known her would give similar descriptions. you have to get a bit deeper to really see the lack of a stable sense of self, if that makes sense. though i always felt that when anyone else was around us, that she was a different person, and she was. when she broke up with me, she became unrecognizable to me, both outwardly and with the stuff she was getting involved in/espousing. she was mirroring not only her new boyfriend, but an expanding group of friends. apparently this was incredibly transparent, she was called on it, and she became extremely vindictive toward some of those people, a few of which were long time friends. these days, to my knowledge, she is not in a romantic relationship and appears the same as before i knew her and while i knew her.

having said that, i knew a gal with borderline traits and a very (outwardly) unstable self image. her religion or lack thereof would change weekly. what she liked to eat or drink might change weekly. her attitude/actions toward drinking or drugs could change weekly. theres always some new extreme cause shes pushing vocally and obsessively, even if it entirely conflicts with the previous one.

the lack of a stable sense of self is a core thing, but it plays out differently for everyone.

[Herodias]

Yes, you all are right... .they can change within the r/s depending on who they are talking to. The only thing consistent was he would not eat onions and peppers and he drank-allot! The gf posted "love is; picking onions and peppers off a pizza so you can share it", so that's how I know that hasn't changed, I am sure she will see all the raging and controlling if she hasn't already... .  as talked about before- she is allot younger than me and thinks he is smart, adventurous and worldly. I know better... .I was the adult and trying to keep him in line and trying to get him to do the right thing. This girl is as bad as him, so there is no control. Two people like this, should not be allowed to have kids I swear. Maybe DSS will get involved one day. I know I am supposed to focus on me and try and figure out how I am going to take care of me... .not worry about their future. It's not good- I do know that. I feel so sorry for his family and the poor baby not even born yet.

[Hadlee]

The gf posted "love is; picking onions and peppers off a pizza so you can share it"

That made me

She sounds very mature

[FallBack!Monster]

I saw different behaviors, but not exactly different personalities.  I did notice that she could easily developed someone else's way of thinking.  I always knew when she was spending time with someone else, because that's when I would hear from her at all. From a few days to a few weeks.  Then when I hear from her again she had like a new bad habit.  I would say, who are you hanging around with these days?  why are you swearing so often now.  Or How comes you're using that word so often now.  It's like she didn't need to spend lots of time to pick up and change into someone else.  Just an evening to a few hours or days she'll be someone else.  But I saw more of one personality.  The one that wanted to sleep all the time and just spend the day in bed.  Other than that, she was me.

[Herodias]

"That made me "

"She sounds very mature"



EXACTLY - LOL   and imagine, this is the one he is now taking advice from! Awful... .