Attachment Anxiety?

[koseligb]

Is it common to suffer from attachment anxiety from growing up with a BPD parent? While working through issues with my marriage, I realized I have a pattern of high insecurity at times about my relationship, and after doing some research, I strongly suspect I have attachment anxiety/an anxious attachment style. (I was really concerned I might have BPD traits, but reading about attachment anxiety, those puzzle pieces "fit" more).

Have any of you experienced this?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Koseligb ,

You are not alone in noticing attachment anxiety and insecurities within yourself. So many, if not most of us here, are discovering or have discovered this in ourselves. When I first began in T, my topics to work on were in this order: 1. my marriage and struggles with my DH and his depression, and 2. my childhood (which I thought perhaps someday I should probably take a look at in case there were issues... .). After a few years of T, the  went on! My childhood and my marriage troubles were connected! I almost laugh today when I think of how I thought they were not connected, but they certainly are.

When raised in a home with a pwBPD, insecurity comes along with it. We were constantly put down, never being able to anchor our 'self' and find the security that a child has natural and normal need of. Our attachent style became irregular and insecre.

Long story short, you are far from being alone!


Wools

[isshebpd]

I've read a bit about attachment theory. Obviously, I have attachment issues if I don't particularly want anything to do with my former "primary caregiver" and hold a lot of resentment towards her.

I suspect growing up with a disordered parent would cause attachment problems in any normal human being.

I think my attachment style is avoidant or disorganized.

[koseligb]

Thanks all for the feedback! It makes a lot of sense to me - I recall clinging closer to my uBPDm during times of conflict to try to show her how much I loved her, though at least in my relationship with her now, the tables have really turned and I've become avoidant. I can see myself flipping back and forth between anxiously attached and avoidant with my husband when I think back on the past couple of years while our relationship was declining.

For anyone struggling with attachment anxiety, I'm currently reading Insecure in Love by Leslie Becker-Phelps, and it's been incredibly eye opening to read how anxious attachment can affect intimate relationships. (Cue my own  moment!). There's lots of good writing exercises in the book to help you work through understanding your emotions better, but also a lot of background info to help you understand how you learned to relate to people in this way. This passage really spoke to me:

To develop a secure base, children need to feel loved for who they are and for who they are becoming. They need to learn that tensions and differences in interest with their parents can all be worked through. In this process, children also learn that they can explore and venture apart from their parents, and still rely on them for support and acceptance.

I'm still working on remembering specifics from my past, but I don't remember ever being able to question my parents' judgement, and if I pushed back, it usually led to punishment. So, I've developed a lifetime of pushing things that bother me deep down to avoid conflict, because I feel like conflict will inevitably lead to the relationship ending - which is why we're currently unraveling years of tough stuff in therapy now. Ironically, as I read through the book, I feel myself relating to my mother's abandonment and attachment issues more than ever before.

[unicorn2014]

Yes. There's a book about this, I believe it's called attached, it's all about attachment theory. There are different attachment types including anxious avoidant, dismissive and secure. You can have different attachments to different people as well as an overall attachment style. There's a website , I believe it's called my personality net where you can track your attachment style over time. Your attachment style can change.