Intro - finally decided that it is truly over - gratitude

[sunflowerpanda]

Hello!

It has been about 6 weeks since I broke up with my uBPDbf and exactly one month of NC. We had been together for nearly 5 years. Those years were filled with very subtle abuse, belittling, sulking and what not! Finally got dumped after he said he was feeling too depressed to give me any time and that he liked a girl at his workplace more because she understood him at a time when I did nothing for him.   

I have sacrificed my own interests and career to care for this guy. Dealing with his issues, supporting him on his bad days (there were a LOT of them  ) and bad moods drained me of all energy and motivation. I was bending over backwards in spite of significant problems in my own life to be there for him. He claimed that I had not done anything for him and that his days with me were the worst days of his life.

We spent some great times together, but looking back, there was always an undercurrent of anxiety. He was very supportive of me when it came to many things and I miss that. But after he pushed me out of his life, I realized that he has done something for me which I never had the courage to do. None of the mistakes I had made during our relationship deserved the kind of 'punishments' he used to dole out.

I happened to learn about the BPD symptoms after the breakup happened. Any remaining hopes of reconciliation died once the whole thing sank into my brain. I am happy that it is over.

In the end, he said he was not attracted to me anymore. He wanted to be friends. I played along until the grief of this loss hit me like a ton of bricks. Been NC since then.

Reading posts on these discussion boards have been keeping me afloat, apart from close friends, exercise and some activities I have come to love. I am so thankful to everyone here who keeps this forum going and shares their stories. Glad to know that I am not alone in this. I need to fix my career. Still figuring out where to begin... .

[once removed]

hi sunflowerpanda and

im very sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but i am glad you found us, and that you are gaining from the posts here. it really helps to share and relate with others who have walked in your shoes  .

i think you will find many members here lost sight of ourselves within the relationship. these are intense relationships that can be physically and mentally demanding on a person to an extreme that really takes a toll. quite often we realize that we have been denying ourselves some much needed attention, that we deserve. does that ring true for you?

Still figuring out where to begin... .

have you had a chance to read through the lessons? i know of no better place. you can find them directly to the right or here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

welcome again sunflowerpanda

[Ahoy]

There will good days and some VERY bad days, I'm in the process of finding myself again too! I was lucky in that I ended things just before I committed career suicide

You would think finding yourself would simply be thinking "what do I like again?" I wish it was that easy!

When you have a set of bad days please remember this site and have a good support network ready. I'm having a long weekend thinking silly thoughts, this community is invaluable, I've lost count of the number of times these forums have picked me back up so I could continue on with my day!

Good luck with everything, like once removed said share any thoughts you have, it can be good to write it all out!

[JQ]

Hey Sunflower

I would like to echo what others have said and welcome you to the "group"!  Even though this is your first post, you are familiar with the process of posting, etc. You know that no one here will judge you and that we're kinda anonymous so feel free to tell us what you want to share.     You seem to be well on your journey of recovery from the sounds of your post      If you haven't found them yet, I would encourage you to read the references at the top & to the side of the page---->>>>  

I would also encourage you to seek out a good therapist who is very familiar with BPD & NON aka Codependent r/s. This is very important to the healing process as I & others will testify too. There is another string that speaks of this very topic on this board.  Ask them questions, experience, how many have they been a part of, etc.  

Like others here, you gave of yourself, mind, body and spirit. You continued to give until you were mentally & physically exhausted and had no more to give. You are NOT alone because we've all been there.  o NOT try to make sense of the behavior of a BPD, it never has and never will make sense to doctors, Ph.d's, Clinical Therapist & Clinical Physiologist. I was arrogantly ignorant and thought that I could help her when much smarter, educated professionals couldn't for over 25 yrs.  Like you, I and others were able to save ourselves from this constant physical and mental crazy train. We learned that we were codependents and because we learned that we were codependent,  we learned that we could change our behavior to improve our lives and live again!  YOU will too!

YOU are doing the right things! You've gone NC to stop the madness, drama and chaos. YOU have reached out to close friends and are engaging with them!      This is REALLY important in the healing process. You're back to exercising!  THIS IS AWESOME!     and you're back to activities that you lost but found again! INCREDIBLE!  YOU'RE DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS SUNFLOWER!    

I hope that in addition to all of that you're getting some much deserved and much needed sleep. REM sleep is soo important to the recovery of your mental and physical health to tackle the next days requirement!   Be sure you're eating right too! Nothing good comes from junk food. Keep your sense of humor too!  Humor is so important to healing the mind! Laugher is the best medicine!    

Come back here as often as you need to, but more importantly as often as YOU WANT too!  Let us know how your doing and what your doing in the recovery process. Ask questions.  You are just not walking but have a slight run down the path on your journey!  When you stumble and you will stumble because we all have. Come here, and know that someone will be here to hold out a hand to pull you up. Dust you off and then you can continue on your journey!

Welcome to the group SunFlower!    

J

[sunflowerpanda]

Wow! Thank you !

I've book marked that, once removed. I have a lot to process. I agree that we've neglected ourselves. What is odd is that sometimes during the relationship, whenever I would walk away from his problems and focus on my own life, situations seemed to slightly improve. Hmm... .

Thank you, Ahoy!

Hopefully there are fewer bad days as I move on. Weekends have been particularly difficult! One thing that has been helpful is getting out of the house! (Yeah. It's hard to gain the escape velocity for that. :-D  ) Been trying to explore places in my city that I haven't been to before. (Ones that he would never agree to visit)

JQ, thank you! Your words are so encouraging! :-) I'm trying to get self care right. That's working (kinda ,heh heh) . I laughed when you said that we will stumble. That itch to reach out to him and talk like old times creeps up all the time. The conversations were amazing. I mostly journal now. It's not the same. Don't feel ready for therapy. Baby steps I suppose... .

[JQ]

Hi Sunflower 

It is amazing how much your doing in such a short period of time! Good for you!      Exploring life, the city you live in!  I know it's hard at time because I've been there, along with a lot of people here.

I agree on the conversations with the exBPD and it's one of the reasons I miss her and enjoyed some "limited moments of clarity" with her. But then she would set her flying monkey's free and the good conversation was all but forgotten.  Whenever I saw the phone ring or a text from her the flying monkey theme came to mind. The same thought comes to mind when I think of my BPD stepmother and someone suggested I put in in my phone as her ring tone.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SESI19h4wDo

you have to keep a sense of humor when dealing with or disengaging from a BPD r/s.     Humor is good for the soul.

I can tell you're a positive energy / positive minded person like me. At my darkest point in separating from my BPD r/s, a buddy sent this link to me and inspired me. I watch it every morning & it kicked me in the butt to get my day started.  It is a reminder about life & to live it to it's fullest EACH & EVERYDAY!  So I share it with you today to kick you in the butt on those days you'll need it.    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhghttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg     

Enjoy the day!  Enjoy a walk & the small things you see and hear along the way. Appreciate the sun, the wind, everything!

J

[cherryblossom]

Big hugs SFP 


Your story resonates with me -I am now fully enjoying my profession again! I worked hard to get into it and work with an amazing team -I can be really creative with what I do and it is very interesting-something I had wanted to do for a long while - I cannot believe I would have been happy to totally jack it in at one point to become a mother of his child -being a mother is not a bad thing and something I would like- but with him would have been a terrible mistake I see that now -we were so enmeshed

[sunflowerpanda]

Thank you JQ!

Here is more positive energy for you from me!  Like they say, 'Not my circus, not my monkey(s)'. Heh heh :D That video is amazing. Here is one of my fav kicks on the butt. Hope it helps you too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tzm6TEManmQ

cherryblossom, *hugggs*

I am so happy things are going great in your professional life. You go get 'em! Lucky that you escaped. I used to think that he was the only person I would want to have kids with. Hahahahaha. The rise in creativity is pretty remarkable. And the ability to tolerate bad behavior in other relationships, after this bleeping disaster is also a pleasant surprise.

[JQ]

Well Good Morning Sunflower! 

I'm feeling a lot of love this morning from you with that video   Thank you for kicking my butt this morning.  I'm up rather early this morning, watching that video has kicked me in the butt to get on the cycle and ride an extra long ride this morning.      Phelps is a freaking machine & he worked hard for it.

And like Phelps, you're putting in the effort, the time, the energy to cross your line. Damn I love your positive attitude!      

CherryB, Sunflower is so right, GO GET 'EM!       I'm excited for you joining a great team in you profession!  BUT don't forget about you!  Don't forget to LIVE YOUR LIFE! 

Don't live to work ... .but ... .WORK TO LIVE!       Take the time to enjoy the small things around you, the simple things. 

I challenge both of you to something I have challenged others ... .perhaps you've read it before, but this is for you two!

So no matter where we live, we all know a spot that would be awesome to watch the sun rise on the new day!  I don't care if you're in the big city or a small town you know where the spot is. It might be in a park, on a fire escape or on a trail, or your patio.  So get up 1/2 hour before sunrise, fix a cup of tea, hot chocolate or a cup of coffee, your drink, your choice, put it in a to go cup. 

Then when it still dark find your spot.  Look upwards to the black sky, the twinkles of the stars and appreciate those for just a moment. Then look east and see the first hint of the new day with the slight yellows low on the horizon. Watch for a few more minutes and watch the black start to give way to light blue, more yellow, some orange. Look back up to the black sky as it starts to turn to a brighter blue and the stars are all but gone.

Now look back to the east ... .the yellows are brighter, the oranges are more intense, there is now pinks filling the morning sky that is a brighter blue. You see the cusp of the sun breaking the horizon. You hear the birds start to sing their songs in the back ground. You hear the city start to wake up or nature begin it's new day. You look down you take a drink of your coffee, tea, hot chocolate & smile as you look down to do it.

You look back up to the east, the sun is 1/2 way over the horizon, more pinks against the blue sky. Yellows, oranges, fill the sky. The blackness of the night & her stars are all but gone now. YOU feel a slight breeze on your face & it makes you smile again. You look back to the east and the sun has fully broken the horizon! Orange fills the sky, with hints of pinks and yellows against the blue sky, maybe a wisp of a cloud or two. More birds are singing, you feel the warmth of the sun against your face and smile and you have this feeling within you that today is the start of something wonderful.  Maybe today was the first time you've watch the sun come up, at least the first time you've really look at it this way and really appreciated it.  So many others have decided to sleep in and choose to sleep the morning away ... .they've decided to sleep life away.

That is my challenge to you and to others. Enjoy the morning, enjoy the day, enjoy the moment, enjoy your life.

Now if you will please excuse me. It's still dark out, I need to get a wake up shower taken, put on my riding gear and get out and watch my sun wake up the day!   

Thank you Sunflower for the great video and kicking my butt in gear this morning.       

J

[Bushido]

Reading posts on these discussion boards have been keeping me afloat, apart from close friends, exercise and some activities I have come to love. I am so thankful to everyone here who keeps this forum going and shares their stories. Glad to know that I am not alone in this. I need to fix my career. Still figuring out where to begin... .

i agree with you there. .

i wish you all the best. . . you are not alone.

"Still figuring out where to begin... ."

i myself am in the same place as you... :'( :'(

it hurts. . . but i know we will get thru this!