Moving = divorce?

[Brookezee]

I am an only child, my mother has BPD (undiagnosed, not seeking any help, no meds for depression) and just last week we(my husband and i)  told her that he is looking for work and that we will likely move.  Anyone who knows someone like this will understand that this is an  extremely difficult time. For her, and for me. Right now she lives around the corner from me. I've lived here almost 37 years, and have never lived anywhere else except a couple stints 2 hrs away (both were more of a running away from life here  situation).  Now my husband graduated with his masters degree  and is currently at a job fair. We are looking at the East coast and this is so exciting for us.  For the 1st time it's a normal move for me. I have 3 boys, and  my mom has helped so much to take care of them and give me lots of breaks. Well i had no idea that telling her we are possibly moving was like handing  her divorce papers. Of course that was not my intention, but she is now creating a very negative situation and an extremely terrible circumstance that doesn't even need to be a reality.  I know she's sad, but she doesn't have tools to deal with this. And she won't listen to reason. She's wanting to talk it to death, and i told her  she needs to reach out to friends bc i can't listen to the doom and gloom. 

Yesterday she watched the kids and something she has done over the years is take things out on  my  2nd child. She's re-playing her childhood where she was the favored one and her sister was not. She was the smart,  pretty,  successful and her sister just  wasn't and instead of the parents treating them as equally loved, they didn't.  So she's re-playing this with my 1st son (who hung the moon and is alot like her, she also helped me raise him from birth to almost 4),and my second son.  She gets unreasonably mad at #2 over things that just aren't that big of a deal and then never gets mad at #1. #3 has somehow passed the invisible approval test and now she has begun comparing #2 with #3,of course with #2 coming up short. 

I truly believe this move is a protection for #2 and our family as a whole. I'm pretty upset that she is going to end up pushing me away with her bad attitude and self pity for the remaining time we are here. I am sad to leave her, but i cannot have her take this out on my 5 year old son. That's terrible. And he's much sweeter than the 10 yr old, so it's just sad. 

Anyway, i just need support. I do not know how to handle this.  And to a certain extent i feel like if she's still a huge part of my life when we move, she will make me miserable. I'm already dealing with chronic pain (for the last 3 years) and severe depression myself, so i can't take on her mental illness bc she just blames me for everything and shames and guilts me.  Any and all posts welcome. Mainly has someone successfully moved away from a BPD person? Thanks

[joinedtheclub]

Hi,

All you can do is work on your own behaviours and thinking.

Yes, she will view this as a divorce - you cannot control her perception.

Moving away for work is a fact of life that many families figure out, and this is no exception.

I moved away and it was frankly blissful for the most part.  But be prepared that you mother may do and say even more terrible things that you ever expected.  This loss of you moving away is confirming the sense of abandonment that she may have been fearing all along.  As a result, she might choose positive ways to deal with it, but be prepared for horribly negative ones.  (The night before I was getting married, my own mother harangued me, trying to walk away and break off the arrangement, eventually calling my about-to-be wife "Satan".  Just think of how desperate she was to say that.  Your mother may become equally desperate.)

So, what helped?

1.  Making it clear to my mother where she was in my priorities.  "My wife is first, my kids are second, and you are a distant third." is what I told her.  I was up front that she was way down the list.  She hated it, said I was mean, I said I was just being truthful, and also that that is what you are supposed to do when you are married and have kids.  She couldn't really argue with it.

2.  I made clear telephone rules:  that I would hang up immediately if she crossed any of the previously declared lines.  She tested this about 20 times before she got used to the rules.  She would call back and say how terrible it was for me to hang up, and I would just hang up again.  Once it became clear that I would not "own" any guilt for responding surgically to her behaviour, amazingly the bad behaviour stopped.

3.  I never did any electronic communication (her skyping, etc. with the kids).

4.  If she sent mail or Christmas cards, then great, we would open them.  The kids would sometimes talk on the phone.

5.  Bigger issues will be how you talk to your kids about her as they grow up.  I eventually decided on just being open and honest.  I didn't go into any detail yet have never hidden from our kids how bad the relationship is, because I don't want them thinking this is normal, or that I'm somehow really mean to my mother.  I have told them how much I have (and continue) to support her financially, and whenever they ask questions about more detail, I answer them honestly in a factual manner, describing actions and behaviour, but never labeling them in any nasty way.

6.  I made the mistake once of letting her come stay with us.  It was terrible and I will never let her come ever again.  Any time she was alone with me, all sorts of hate and vile spewed out.

Stepping back to your scenario, it sounds like she may not be quite as bad as my mother, as she appears to have helped you quite a bit.  Maybe she's more of a BP trait, rather than a full-on disorder.

Feel free to pull whatever you want from my thoughts and reflections.  You say you have depression; if you're not already talking to a psychologist you might want to consider it.  If you move, you will not have the immediate support of your mother and it will be busy taking care of the family. Resolving some stuff with the help of a therapist will probably make it easier to enter into this new East Coast life with your family.

Take care and come back to this board whenever you need it,

JTC

[HappyChappy]

Hi Brookezee,

I’m so sorry your BPD mom has put you in this position. If it’s any consolation, this is classic BPD behaviour. I’m guessing you probably known their main fear is abandonment. But if the move is right for you and your husband, I wouldn't let that stop you.

All of my BPD mom’s kids didn’t just leave, we moved as far away as possible. At one point we all moved abroad to our BPD. So it is possible. I along with others on this website have be no contact (NC) for several years, which is similar to moving away. Why not do what’s right for you and your husband ?

[Brookezee]

Hey ya'll,  thanks so much for the input.  It's been a month or more since i posted about moving.  Since my husband and I told my mother our intentions to move,  I have done pretty good at keeping her in the dark about details, and almost refuse to even "go there" bc she wants to just know every single detail about all of it, and i do not have any.  

However,  the other day i told her that she better spend time with her other grandchildren (the two little ones) as opposed to just the one she likes bc my husband has an interview.    

Like i literally opened the floodgates of hell (on my own head).  

The convo felt like a victory because i stayed calm,  answered her attacks on my faith and my Jesus with God's word,  and i successfully did not get upset.  She ended up saying she would never see her grandchildren again and then hung up.  Thought i was off the hook!

Wrong. Try again. Now she's begun being pushy.  Coming over unannounced yesterday after the convo where she hung up and berated me. She tried to suddenly( in the late afternoon)  come and take my kids to a waterpark. But it wasn't planned, and i have told her time and again that she cannot take my children to places I've never taken them. Thereby stealing that experience from me.

I do not see this ending well.  She is already trying to create a situation where I'm the bad guy.  I watch her manipulate and know her moves so well that i can see where she's going before she gets there,  but there's nothing i can do to stop her except flat out tell her to leave me alone.  

Good heads up on her coming to visit. Honestly i can confidently say that a stay at our home would be disastrous. Since i got married,  we cannot and no longer go out to eat together, I've kicked be out of a bday gathering because she was ruining it,  and i have hated and dreaded all holidays. I think maybe a year ago or more i realized that she is ruining my enjoyment of my own children's childhood.  And i keep letting her. Although i have set up lots of boundaries over the last 7 yrs, i honestly do not feel i will ever be free of her, not until she dies.  She makes me so angry that i don't want to talk to her anymore.  So yeah.  :)unno. I've daydreamed about just moving, changing my phone number and just disappearing.  I don't even really feel that guilty about this.  I guess after 37 years of it, you finally go someone has to go and it's not gonna be me.  

Yesterday she has one of her "angina attacks" while she was here.  I thought - this relationship is actually killing her, and it is not doing a thing for me ".  

I've been honest with my oldest. He's a boy. He doesn't" not care " but he's a guy, and just isn't emotional about any of it.  

Strangely the kids I think pick up on her mood bc they haven't wanted to go to her house.  

Ok, that was long, but I'm really at my wits end on  this.  Praying to my LORD he got the job.  Oh please Lord! Thx for listening.  

[HappyChappy]

I thought - this relationship is actually killing her, and it is not doing a thing for me ".  

Hi Brookezee,

Thanks for the update. I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this all, it does sound very frustrating. Your mom is triangulating your kids, which does them no favours and you’re right to try and protect them from that. And it must be frustrating for you to be unfairly blamed in front of your kids. My BPD & NPD did the same with my kids to such an extent that the scapgoated child just didn’t want to spend time with them. He didn’t refuse, but when we asked he said he didn’t want to go around any more.

I think the positive here is that if your kids exposure to a BPD is an hour or so a week, then it does limit the effect, so not as bad as if they lived with them. You say this relationship isn’t doing anything for you, so I’m interested to know why you don’t consider low contact ?

[anyplacesafe]

Hey Brookezee,

I am the only daughter & granddaughter of two uBPD women. My mum went NC on her mum when I was nine, and although given her uBPDness, I still had a ___show to get through, my childhood improved immeasurably after the NC. Gran was an excellent triangulator.

I connected with so much of this post. In my career, moving about is normal but I have managed to avoid it thus far, and part of it is that I am terrified of the guilt-trip from my mum. What you said about "divorce papers" - that is ABSOLUTELY how she would handle it. In fact, I am doing massive Medium Chill/LC on her just now (really for the first time) and it feels like after I went LC/NC with an ex. So much better, with occasional horrible flares of FOG and anxiety when I have to be in touch with her for something.

You are doing so well and are so brave. I admire you so much. I am about to get married which has sent my mum's fear of abandonment and BPD traits sky-high as my priorities change. Whenever I speak assertively to her (this isn't new, it's been the case since I was a teenager), she tells me I "don't sound like myself", "someone's been getting to me" or "you sound like you're reading from a script". She can't stand not to be in control of you. Save yourself and your kids. How does your husband feel about it all?

It's good to meet you and I'll be following your story with great interest.