Do PwBPD have emotinal escapes like drug addicts?

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

I was thinking about when I was a child and how my dad was a violent alcoholic. He would get drunk about once a week, come home or get lost somewhere and people would have to search for him. When he did get home he would yell at us and fall down, pissing on the floor or his pants, just crazy stuff that scared us.

He had the luxury of being drunk but my sister and brothers and I had to witness the horrors sober and deal with it as it unfolded. He would wake up the next morning unaware of his behaviours the night before.

My question is do pwBPD also have an escape from the horrors they deliver to us sober nons?

The reason I ask is I see so much suffering in these forums yet the pwBPD just seem to not care how much they hurt people.

I'm dealing with missing my son, recovery in AA, Alanon, counceling and working on Codependency, cancer looming over me and the effects of chemo, her crazy accusations,  I'm thinking my ex is probably worried about her hair and nails?

I'm sure she hurts but she has alway just deflected blame on me

[Herodias]

Your dad was like my Dad and my ex! They just like all the attention on themselves I suppose. My ex had all kinds of drug habits... .from cocaine, to pills, to alcohol, to prescription drugs. Yes, they are hurting and this is how they respond. They tend to have some kind of addiction- mine had even more, food, candy, women, porn, risky driving, risky sports, etc.  They say they feel ashamed and that's why they leave us... .I don't know. Maybe so, but it would be nice if they would just work on getting better. I went to Alanon myself and they said allot of pwD are alcoholics. It makes sense.

[troisette]

Hugs to you Jerry, you're dealing with a heavy load and I've seen on another thread that you are not feeling well today.

I think the question you ask is a complex one. BPDs can be so different. And yes, they don't seem to care how much they hurt us - but who knows what goes on in a BPDs mind? I've read debates here about whether they care, whether they understand the misery they create for others, whether they have empathy. But the questions are unanswerable because we are not BPDs and there are so many co-morbidities and sub-groups that affect their emotional wherewithal. One size doesn't fit all!  

My ex is a quiet high functioning BPD. He doesn't act out, it's all inside. (I've been told this is worse because there is little external relief for them, it's all internalised.) The strange behaviours mainly only manifest when indoors, with intimates.

We split 11 months ago, final split 7 months ago. In the past ten months he has taken five or six overseas trips on his own. From four days in length to two months. I think this is his way of coping with his internalised stress and concealing his emptiness. I only think that, I don't know it. It appears like running away, but what do I know? I'm not BPD and have no real idea of what goes on in his head.

I understand why you would feel angry at the unfairness of your situation. Totally understandable.  

[vortex of confusion]

I think they do. I know my stbx started out addicted to porn. He quit that and just found other things to obsess over. In the last several years before I asked him to leave, he would check out and spend most of his free time buried in video games. That was his emotional escape. Even if a person is high functioning, he/she can still escape into some kind of fantasy world. Drugs and alcohol are a means of escape because it numbs out how painful reality is. I have seen my stbx soothe himself through a lot of different obsessive/compulsive activities, some were okay while others were not. Any activity can be used to check out of reality and be an emotional escape.

[sweet tooth]

Firstly, let me say that I'm sympathetic for your childhood traumas. My father was never a full blown alcoholic, but when I was a kid he was a "problem drinker" and it put a strain on our family. My mother was chronically anxious and depressed. The alcohol abuse on the weekends caused us a lot of unnecessary stress.

To answer your question, I would say "yes." My ex would routinely disappear, not answer texts/phone calls, cancel plans through silence, and then reappear as if nothing ever happened. Her most recent transgression was disappearing at my birthday when we were supposed to go on a trip with my friends. She told me she needed space, there was no "spark" between us (even though we had spending time together for 11 months and we had a romantic Valentine's Day date TWO DAYS before), I "don't even know her," and she requested I take down the pics of us on Facebook (even though she deactivated it months prior). Oh, and I looked at her LinkedIn profile without telling her. This all caused her "emotional distress." Real world reason: She couldn't handle how close we were getting and created any lame reason to pick a fight, i.e. Facebook photos, looking at her LinkedIn page without adding her (even though she uses neither... .except to monitor me, apparently), and "no spark."

I messaged her two weeks later and she said "do not contact me again." Knowing our history, I truly believe it's only a matter of time before she re-engages, probably casually (like nothing negative transpired).

As of the "why" of it, I can only speculate:

1. They have no shame. They don't care.

2. There shame is enormous, so they pretend it never happened to avoid abandonment/embarrassment/dealing with uncomfortable emotions, etc.

3. They honestly don't remember the event due to disassociation (a psychological phenomenon where the individual loses touch with reality. Think of a Veteran having flashbacks) or a neurological disorder.

They have a mental illness that's as serious as schizophrenia but not as noticeable on the surface. You think a person with schizophrenia remembers everything they they say or do during a psychotic episode?

Whether or not my ex re-engages me, only time will tell. However, my gut is telling me that she is either in an episode of bipolar depression and/or dysregulation and will emerge like nothing happened. Or in your words, an emotional escape.

[sweet tooth]

Hugs to you Jerry, you're dealing with a heavy load and I've seen on another thread that you are not feeling well today.

I think the question you ask is a complex one. BPDs can be so different. And yes, they don't seem to care how much they hurt us - but who knows what goes on in a BPDs mind? I've read debates here about whether they care, whether they understand the misery they create for others, whether they have empathy. But the questions are unanswerable because we are not BPDs and there are so many co-morbidities and sub-groups that affect their emotional wherewithal. One size doesn't fit all!  

My ex is a quiet high functioning BPD. He doesn't act out, it's all inside. (I've been told this is worse because there is little external relief for them, it's all internalised.) The strange behaviours mainly only manifest when indoors, with intimates.

We split 11 months ago, final split 7 months ago. In the past ten months he has taken five or six overseas trips on his own. From four days in length to two months. I think this is his way of coping with his internalised stress and concealing his emptiness. I only think that, I don't know it. It appears like running away, but what do I know? I'm not BPD and have no real idea of what goes on in his head.

I understand why you would feel angry at the unfairness of your situation. Totally understandable.  

Mine is also a high functioning, quiet type that acts in rather than acting out. To my knowledge she doesn't have any addictions. She routinely disappears, and not just from me. She'll become socially withdrawn for months at a time, which is why I am deciding not to take it personally after she said "do not contact me again." It still hurts like hell, though, and I miss her terribly.

[troisette]

I'd also agree with sweet tooth's point number 2, from experience.

After 6 months nc I heard his voice calling me in the street. A ten minute, pleasant conversation, as though nothing had happened.

Although this made the unexpected encounter easier for me because I didn't want a post mortem. I slid away as quickly as I could.

Interesting sweet tooth that your quiet exBPD also uses similar withdrawal to cope with the internalised stress, I guess they occasionally feel it's overpowering and running (physically or metaphorically) is the only way to cope?

[sweet tooth]

I'd also agree with sweet tooth's point number 2, from experience.

After 6 months nc I heard his voice calling me in the street. A ten minute, pleasant conversation, as though nothing had happened.

Although this made the unexpected encounter easier for me because I didn't want a post mortem. I slid away as quickly as I could.

Interesting sweet tooth that your quiet exBPD also uses similar withdrawal to cope with the internalised stress, I guess they occasionally feel it's overpowering and running (physically or metaphorically) is the only way to cope?

I think so. The ironic thing is, if she would have just said to me, "Hey, SweetTooth. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I don't think I can make the trip because of it. I want you to have a good time and I'm afraid I can't handle it" I would have been disappointed but also would have been okay with it, much more okay than having her say "do not contact me again!"

I would have understood and appreciated the honesty. I wouldn't have abandoned her because of it. It's frustrating as hell.

[sweet tooth]

Troisette, did he attempt to make contact after that 10 minute meeting? Despite all the nonsense, I still very much miss my ex. I would be willing to at least open a dialogue with her. I crave it, actually... .

[WoundedBibi]

My quiet high functioning BPD ex did almost all of the things mentioned. Disappearing acts, drinking until the staff refuses to serve him any longer or until he falls down, drugs of all different kinds but mainly cocaine I think, fantasy worlds, flirting and I think music is a great escape for him.

[troisette]

No he didn't sweet tooth. I didn't really expect him to, he's v e r y stubborn and controlling and would not display what he would consider weakness. And I'd told him that I was going on vacation the following day and he would not have enjoyed hearing that. (A sign of my independent life.)

I have to be totally honest; a tiny part of me thought I might hear and I had mixed feelings about that. Three weeks on I'm glad I didn't but my guess is that as we live in a small town, six streets apart, he knows he will see me again (he instigated the contact in the street, I hadn't seen him) and there will be another approach. He'll do it incrementally. But I'm at the stage now, after 7 months nc of knowing it would not be good for me, even though I still found him physically attractive. I've done so much reading, I know how harmful it would be.

I understand your craving for open  dialogue but eventually you get to the stage of understanding that it's not possible with them. MapleBob made a comment on a thread I opened about quiet BPD, it was titled "Emotophobia" if you can find it - four or five, maybe six weeks ago. Along the lines of quiet BPDs cannot cope with all those internalised emotions, it's too overwhelming for them to attempt to discuss them.

Be strong. Difficult.  

[WoundedBibi]

No he didn't sweet tooth. I didn't really expect him to, he's v e r y stubborn and controlling and would not display what he would consider weakness. And I'd told him that I was going on vacation the following day and he would not have enjoyed hearing that. (A sign of my independent life.)

I have to be totally honest; a tiny part of me thought I might hear and I had mixed feelings about that. Three weeks on I'm glad I didn't but my guess is that as we live in a small town, six streets apart, he knows he will see me again (he instigated the contact in the street, I hadn't seen him) and there will be another approach. He'll do it incrementally. But I'm at the stage now, after 7 months nc of knowing it would not be good for me, even though I still found him physically attractive. I've done so much reading, I know how harmful it would be.

I understand your craving for open  dialogue but eventually you get to the stage of understanding that it's not possible with them. MapleBob made a comment on a thread I opened about quiet BPD, it was titled "Emotophobia" if you can find it - four or five, maybe six weeks ago. Along the lines of quiet BPDs cannot cope with all those internalised emotions, it's too overwhelming for them to attempt to discuss them.

Be strong. Difficult.  

Quiet BPD or acting out, I think an open dialogue with a pwBPD is out of the question anyway. If an open dialogue would be an option the relationships we were in would have gone down a completely different road.

[sweet tooth]

No he didn't sweet tooth. I didn't really expect him to, he's v e r y stubborn and controlling and would not display what he would consider weakness. And I'd told him that I was going on vacation the following day and he would not have enjoyed hearing that. (A sign of my independent life.)

I have to be totally honest; a tiny part of me thought I might hear and I had mixed feelings about that. Three weeks on I'm glad I didn't but my guess is that as we live in a small town, six streets apart, he knows he will see me again (he instigated the contact in the street, I hadn't seen him) and there will be another approach. He'll do it incrementally. But I'm at the stage now, after 7 months nc of knowing it would not be good for me, even though I still found him physically attractive. I've done so much reading, I know how harmful it would be.

I understand your craving for open  dialogue but eventually you get to the stage of understanding that it's not possible with them. MapleBob made a comment on a thread I opened about quiet BPD, it was titled "Emotophobia" if you can find it - four or five, maybe six weeks ago. Along the lines of quiet BPDs cannot cope with all those internalised emotions, it's too overwhelming for them to attempt to discuss them.

Be strong. Difficult.  

Quiet BPD or acting out, I think an open dialogue with a pwBPD is out of the question anyway. If an open dialogue would be an option the relationships we were in would have gone down a completely different road.

I tried to have a serious conversation about us several times. The responses were either:

1. Avoiding the issue by saying, "I don't know what to say" and quickly changing the subject and/or inviting me somewhere.

2. Ignoring my concerns by saying something like, "It needs to be accepted" or "I can't help it."

3. Withdrawing/disappearing/Silent Treatment

4. Saying ":)o not contact me again."

5. A combination of the above.

Needless to say, nothing got resolved. It was always avoided one way or another until the point of critical mass, I'd chase, when I stopped chasing she'd re-engage, repeat. This last time I didn't chase. I just sent a goodbye message. I wonder if she's waiting for me to chase her? I'm not going to. I take "do not contact me again" very seriously. I don't want to be accused of stalking, etc, just in case.

[Nuitari]

1. Avoiding the issue by saying, "I don't know what to say" and quickly changing the subject and/or inviting me somewhere.

My ex gave me that one a lot too. And sometimes she would initiate sex when I was trying to have a dialogue with her. And then there were times when I thought that we had finally had an open, thoughtful discussion and actually resolved some things, only for her to later resurrect the same selfish abusive behavior leaving me wondering if the conversation had even happened at all. It was like she was stuck in a loop.

[JerryRG]

My ex would not compromise, I remember her saying if you want a woman who likes to cuddle you better go find one.

My needs were that, mine and that's as far as our relationship developed, but but but if she had a grievance I would sit and listen with an honest open mind.

Her way or no way, appitimy of a spoiled child or a narcissist, don't matter to me anymore, just sometimes wish I had a bigger boot the night I kicked her butt out of my life. I remember her response to my letting her go, "better be prepared to lose me for good" and "you will find out one day I was the perfect girl"

Perfectly awful inside and out and head to toe!

I need a shower 

[sweet tooth]

1. Avoiding the issue by saying, "I don't know what to say" and quickly changing the subject and/or inviting me somewhere.

My ex gave me that one a lot too. And sometimes she would initiate sex when I was trying to have a dialogue with her. And then there were times when I thought that we had finally had an open, thoughtful discussion and actually resolved some things, only for her to later resurrect the same selfish abusive behavior leaving me wondering if the conversation had even happened at all. It was like she was stuck in a loop.

See, mine wasn't sexual at all. She claimed she had a high sex drive, but anytime I tried to get physically intimate with her beyond kissing on the cheek and hand holding (and even holding hands was a big leap), she would withdraw. She even cancelled a camping trip SHE invited ME on because it was too much for her. It was almost like she was am unrecovered rape victim (and I often wondered if this was the case and still do). Any time we got close physically or emotionally she pushed me away, to the point of telling me "do not contact me again." I'm waiting for the day when she reappears. I honestly believe it's only a matter of time. I'm torn.

The "continuous loop" is a good metaphor. I'm waiting for the day when she returns as if nothing happened (part of the loop). I'm convinced that it will happen eventually. I'm torn.

[Hadlee]

Perfectly awful inside and out and head to toe!

I need a shower 

Oh Jerry... .that made me

[Sunfl0wer]

Compartmentalization?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compartmentalization_(psychology)

Compartmentalization is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.

Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to co-exist by inhibiting direct or explicit acknowledgement and interaction between separate compartmentalized self states.[1]