Do they miss us after it's over?

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

My exBPDgf talked about her ex husband all the time but it was about how mean he was to her, she did say one time she thought he was adorable. She burned him to the ground and his response was to divorce her and burn everything she owned.

Sad situation but like you said Notsurewhattothinkofthis

The cycle continues because she fails to see her issues and blames her misery on everyone else.

That exactly what it is JerryRG. They don't take responsibility for their behavior they blame everyone else for the messed up relationship. They won't blame themselves because that is Death to them.

[Suspicious1]

Like anyone, they have the capacity to miss people, of course. They're human. Whether they miss us individually or not depends on how they felt about us within the relationship, I suppose. My ex always said to me that he could miss people terribly, but had the ability to detach. He said it wasn't easy, that it hurt a lot to do it, that it was difficult, but that he could just cut off emotions towards people. I remember his amazement that his ex wife of 20 years "still" wasn't over the relationship after just a month of separation. I found that incredible.

I think he probably did miss me, for a short while, yes. But I suspect it was a very, very short while. With or without a replacement (and I can't blame him if he got involved with someone else to make himself feel less alone. I've done that enough times) - perhaps he had a few dates to take his mind of it, maybe he just cut me off like I never existed. The times we'd split before he said to me "I want to make you a part of my past as soon as possible". I think that's just how he dealt with emotional pain.

I know he missed me a bit because for a couple of months he tried to engage with me on social media and through friends. Then he stopped. I'd guess he hasn't missed me since then.

Frankly I now wonder who the dysfunctional one is: him, for being over it within a couple of months, or me for still missing him two years later.

[HurtinNW]

I am sure my ex misses the idea of me, the image he created at times, the narcissistic supply I gave him, and without acknowledging it, someone to punish.

I don't think he misses "me" because he never really knew me.

A big  that I ignored was he never spoke of missing anyone. He had several relationships and talked about them without regret or any feeling at all, except to explain how disappointed he had been when *they* showed their true colors. The only time he came close to sounding like he ever missed anyone was his dead mother, and even that had a ring of insincerity about it, like he was saying lines he couldn't quite feel deep inside.

[JerryRG]

I feel sorry for them, must be an empty painful existence

[troisette]

My ex had three major broken relationships: ex wife, ex long term relationship and a son who has no contact with him.

He told me that he found the best way to deal with it was to cauterise his feelings. But that didn't stop him frequently talking about them. One with fondness, two with anger.

So I'm not sure how successful he is at cauterising his emotions or whether it's a way of trying to fool himself.

[Suspicious1]

My ex had three major broken relationships: ex wife, ex long term relationship and a son who has no contact with him.

He told me that he found the best way to deal with it was to cauterise his feelings. But that didn't stop him frequently talking about them. One with fondness, two with anger.

So I'm not sure how successful he is at cauterising his emotions or whether it's a way of trying to fool himself.

Cauterise is a good word for it - it does describe the kind of thing my ex was talking about.

My ex never had a good word to say about his previous partners, and could move on from them very quickly. He said he also "cauterised" when his dad died 25 years previously, but I do wonder how well that worked out as he never really processed his grief - he confided in me that he sometimes saw his dad sitting at the end of the bed and he'd talk to him. I said "like, you imagine he's there and the things he might say to you, you mean?". He hesitated, then said "sure, if you want to put it like that... .". It was clear he really felt he was talking to his actual dad.

[steelwork]

Will we miss them in eight, ten, twenty years? What does it mean to miss an old lover?

Makes me think of Gary Snyder's beautiful Four Poems for Robin. The first one (Siwashing... .) gives me exquisite pain. I read it over and over when he dumped me. And then the other three complicate the pain.

Siwashing It Out Once in Suislaw Forest



I slept under     rhododendron

All night    blossoms fell

Shivering on    a sheet of cardboard

Feet stuck   in my pack

Hands deep    in my pockets

Barely  able    to   sleep.

I remembered    when we were in school

Sleeping together   in a big warm bed

We were     the youngest lovers

When we broke up     we were still nineteen

Now our   friends are married

You teach  school back east

I dont mind     living this way

Green hills   the long blue beach

But sometimes     sleeping in the open

I think back    when I had you.


A Spring Night in Shokoku-ji

Eight years ago this May

We walked under cherry blossoms

At night in an orchard in Oregon.

All that I wanted then

Is forgotten now, but you.

Here in the night

In a garden of the old capital

I feel the trembling ghost of Yugao

I remember your cool body

Naked under a summer cotton dress.


An Autumn Morning in Shokoku-ji

Last night watching the Pleiades,

Breath smoking in the moonlight,

Bitter memory like vomit

Choked my throat.

I unrolled a sleeping bag

On mats on the porch

Under thick autumn stars.

In dream you appeared

(Three times in nine years)

Wild, cold, and accusing.

I woke shamed and angry:

The pointless wars of the heart.

Almost dawn. Venus and Jupiter.

The first time I have

Ever seen them close.


December at Yase

You said, that October,

In the tall dry grass by the orchard

When you chose to be free,

“Again someday, maybe ten years.”

After college I saw you

One time. You were strange.

And I was obsessed with a plan.

Now ten years and more have

Gone by: I’ve always known

         where you were--

I might have gone to you

Hoping to win your love back.

You still are single.

I didn’t.

I thought I must make it alone. I

Have done that.

Only in dream, like this dawn,

Does the grave, awed intensity

Of our young love

Return to my mind, to my flesh.

We had what the others

All crave and seek for;

We left it behind at nineteen.

I feel ancient, as though I had

Lived many lives.

And may never now know

If I am a fool

Or have done what my

        karma demands.

[Thegardiner]

In time you will realise that she was a mirror and the person you fell in love with was really you.

Caley.[/quote]
Caley could you explain further please.