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Author Topic: Signs of a Cheating Borderline.  (Read 2003 times)
aristan2000
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 52


« on: April 25, 2016, 08:10:56 PM »

I'm not asking this to be provocative or funny, but do BPD females have distinct or odd behaviors associated with infidelity. My Ex M has kept frequent text and phone communication with me, but has not asked me over to her place, nor has she exhibited any interest in visiting me in mine. I'm still reeling from her sudden unfriending of me on Facebook and her telling her daughter that I was "freaking her out." In my opinion she has set up a situation whereby I can never become involved with her outside of a short term or long term, but sporadic, relationship. Her daughter now hates me and she carries a pistol, so I'm a bit hesitant when I do encounter her. Anyways, I have been keeping tabs on M's Facebook friend's list through another Facebook account that she doesn't know about (I'm blocked on hers). I noticed that a couple of weeks ago she changed her profile so that people could message her, but could not send her a friend request. I rechecked her friend's list tonight and noticed that she had two new friends. One was some young guy from the last town she worked in and this guy that she had previously claimed to really dislike. I used to buy into her explanation that she didn't often reject people's friends request, but in this case she herself had to add this guy, so I found this to be incongruous with her previous comments about him, but I've been out of there since the start of the year and she's flourished and was even offered a position after three months there that I was just about to be offered after fifteen months! I became furious and jealous of her. What really upset me was that she had the entire week free at night last week and agreed twice to hang with me but blew me off both times. I know she is very sexually active and this guy would be one of the few guys of her basic age range that she works with, though he only works Sundays, the rest of the time he has some involvement with a local paper. Anyways, she said she'd call me right back last Thursday afternoon and hasn't called or texted me back yet, though I did wait on her when she came into the convenience store I work at on Saturday morning and I went out of my way to treat her like a person I had never seen. I don't think she seemed to notice. I also realized that this guy has me on block on Facebook, even though I never friend requested him, never messaged him, never did anything. I just found his having blocked me to be a bit odd, given that I hardly knew him at work, but always got the feeling that he disliked me (if he is with M, I'm sure that she'll do something like divulge my impotency, just to titillate him). I even decided to go 'no contact' with her, but she hasn't contacted me at all in days. Again, do borderlines who cheat exhibit other odd behaviors when they do and in covering it up?
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Peterpan
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« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2016, 05:46:04 AM »

I'm not sure if it's different for others, but I became suspicious when his obsessive contact patterns shifted. He was very rigid in his times and also very interested in my daily life, where I was, what I was doing etc.

When his times changed, he seemed less interested in my events, but used his communication to convey his problems, how busy he was... .all about him, coupled with a blatant interest on his part with a mutual acquaintance, and an overnight shift from needing me in his personal space obsessively.

Contact never stopped by text, but he didn't feel the need to call me or see me. He also would say things from conversations he hadn't had with me, mention things we'd done ( but we hadn't) and even forget things about me which we'd talked about and laughed about in detail.

It's difficult to know whether it's something/someone else who suddenly has their interest or if they're having second thoughts, all sorts go through your head.

All I can say is that in both occasions that he broke my heart, my gut instinct told me the worse scenario, whilst my hopes I was wrong kept me hanging on trying to believe, even though I caught him in many lies...

Both times my gut instinct was correct.
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Suspicious1
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up & 'silent treatment'
Posts: 302



« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2016, 06:30:05 AM »

I didn't know at the time, but in retrospect I suspect that he devalued me when he was interested in someone else, and discarded me when he wanted to date them. This is why the devaluing seemed to come out of nowhere - he had to split me black to justify his interest in someone else, and I think he projected his own intentions onto me. As time has gone on, I've wondered if he was borderline at all, or just staying with me to kill time, moving to splitting me black when he thought he might have another offer. Then when that date fell through, he was back to idealising me so he still had a relationship to be in.

The first time he split me black, he accused me of flirting with someone and secretly setting up dates with other people. It was nonsense. It came about because someone asked me on a date and I'd turned him down. At first my ex tried to convince me to go on the date and have an open relationship, but I refused. Within that conversation he told me he'd been invited out by another woman and hadn't planned to go. Then he suddenly switched, screaming abuse at me for flirting and leading men on, staying I'd intended to cuckold him. He didn't speak to me for days, then when I apologised (I know - it was the first one, I soon learned better), he "took me back" saying "how does it feel that I chose you over the other woman". It seemed an odd thing to say - he told me the argument had been because of my apparent flirting with other men. Now of course I realise he probably tried to pursue the other woman, and reconciled with me when it didn't work out. Just before we'd had this falling out, he'd removed me from his social media page and listed himself as single. He never changed it back after we reconciled.

The second time was a few months later. This was immediately after his suicide attempt when he refused to talk to me for two weeks. When we reconciled, I told him how hurt I'd been that he hadn't been in touch in that time. He told me he was unable to go out, even hiding behind the sofa when the postman knocked, in case the mental health team had come to take him. But then he also told me he'd been on dates with two different women during that two weeks. Am I supposed to believe he set up and went on two dates in that time? Or did he set them up before that, get rid of me, go on the dates then reconcile with me when they didn't work?

The last time we split, I was the one who walked away because his actions were reflecting those past incidences. He was on messenger a lot, but he was talking to someone else while ignoring me. He had become disparaging of me, my behaviour and opinions, just as he had on those other occasions. Sure enough he did later imply he'd been speaking to someone else who had helped him change his perspective on our relationship - who that someone was or what was said I'll never know.

On a day-to-day basis, what made me suspicious was his continued presence on dating sites (he said he didn't use them, just that they were redundant profiles to make his ex wife think he wasn't in a relationship yet), his refusal to change his single status on social media, and his paranoia when it came to his mobile phone - he became anxious if I touched it, even if it was just to show him how to work it. At the time I didn't put all this together. Now I suspect he was constantly courting dates from other women, and getting rid of me when he got the opportunity to take things further.
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Makersmarksman
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 78


« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2016, 07:15:07 AM »

In my experience, which is extensive as I just ended a 20 year marriage with my stbBPDexw, the biggest sign looking back was a marked increase in sex with me and much more open and experimental.  Our sex life was always good, at worst was normal, maybe once a week.  But when she became hypersexual, multiple times a day, morning sex, spontaneous and unexpected interactions outside of the bedroom, etc there was always someone else in her life.  This goes against many theories that sex between spouses dwindles when there is an affair, but there are some psychologists that recognize my experiences as a red flag as well. 

When in the affair fog, my stbBPDexw would also become very anxious during down times, she would speak frequently about feeling bored, her hands would shake, basically she would go to such great lengths to hide things with her mask but she always felt like I was able to see through her.  She confessed this feeling to me after a stint in rehab when she spoke to me about having affairs behind my back.
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Heartbroken5

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2016, 07:55:54 AM »

It s absolutely heartbreaking to think your husband has betrayed you with another woman but looking back now and knowing what I now know I am 80 per cent sure he must have had. We had been married 20 years had four children ,over the years he had become increasingly more aggressive etc... .demonstrating the usual BPD traits,he had a female friend he had business interactions with who I had known for years and never felt threatened by ,but following our initial break I noticed by looking at phone records that he had continued regular communication with her even late at night.When we renconciled I asked him straight out if he had had a sexual relationship with her which he denied ,I then felt it was possibly an emotional affair which was equally as painful to accept,this man had been my best friend since I was 15 years old ,he told me that if I was unfaithful to him when we were apart that he would forgive me ( i would never be unfaithful he was my world) it made me feel uneasy as we had both agreed early on in our relationship that we would not tolerate unfaithfulness in our relationship.I noticed him speaking to her only in private if we met in public he would become uneasy but that wasnt a red flag to me as he was also like that with his siblings and niece,then I noticed inappropriate texts which I discussed with him ,he then behaved like a bold child that had been scolded when in fact it was his inmaturity/inappropriate behaviour which had let to it.Well I also noticed him wanting to try different positions /acts sexually which were new to our sex life we had always enjoyed a good sex life but again I dismissed this as we had been parted for eight months so I felt maybe in that time he had been curious or watching porn.Roll on 13 months of no contact following my withdrawl from the relationship as nothing was changing ,I have good days still and bad days ,the unanswered questions are difficult to accept but I now know my gut instinct was telling me I had reason to be worried... .He is still in contact with that girl ,she in between our break up and make up lost a lot of weight, use to also flirt with him but what I find the hardest thing to accept is the fact she was obviously more important or of more use to him as she is still around... .
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gotbushels
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2016, 12:54:40 PM »

For BPs I would think they can cover up better and hide their tracks with more time spent dating. In this area, they seem to get better with time.

In this part of the disorder, I am not so quick to write it off to the "inability of the BP" due to the condition. My ex seemed highly thoughtful and deliberate about covering her tracks when it came to cheating.

The thing that didn't make much sense was that she tried to show me how deliberate she was when she hid things and parts of her personality. It's like some kind of criminal trying to show off her smartness in creating the crime. Dysfunction.

Beware of what you're dealing with.
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Notsurewhattothinkofthis
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 166



« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2016, 03:21:00 PM »

In my case I was lied to and manipulated. It is hard to even say that I was manipulated because it makes me feel weak. One thing I believe is that (In my case anyways) that my uBPDex did not have too many females friends.  She had one good friend that I can count and that was it. I know her for a while and for some reason she did not stay friends with the females friends I knew she had. Who knows what happened with them and I did not ask because I knew that an argument would ensue.

However, she had a million male friends. Who knows how many of those guys she had slept with? Makes me sick to think about it really.

I believe they are good at hiding stuff from their partners. They have been doing that most of their lives.

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Makersmarksman
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Posts: 78


« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2016, 10:59:44 PM »

In my case I was lied to and manipulated. It is hard to even say that I was manipulated because it makes me feel weak. One thing I believe is that (In my case anyways) that my uBPDex did not have too many females friends.  She had one good friend that I can count and that was it. I know her for a while and for some reason she did not stay friends with the females friends I knew she had. Who knows what happened with them and I did not ask because I knew that an argument would ensue.

However, she had a million male friends. Who knows how many of those guys she had slept with? Makes me sick to think about it really.

I believe they are good at hiding stuff from their partners. They have been doing that most of their lives.

^This, eerily similar to my ex, at one point I even got the "I just want to be one of the guys" line.
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Notsurewhattothinkofthis
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« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2016, 09:28:54 AM »

In my case I was lied to and manipulated. It is hard to even say that I was manipulated because it makes me feel weak. One thing I believe is that (In my case anyways) that my uBPDex did not have too many females friends.  She had one good friend that I can count and that was it. I know her for a while and for some reason she did not stay friends with the females friends I knew she had. Who knows what happened with them and I did not ask because I knew that an argument would ensue.

However, she had a million male friends. Who knows how many of those guys she had slept with? Makes me sick to think about it really.

I believe they are good at hiding stuff from their partners. They have been doing that most of their lives.

^This, eerily similar to my ex, at one point I even got the "I just want to be one of the guys" line.

I never understood why she had more male friends than female friends. Now, I do. I think they all were orbiters and her backups in case she was not in a relationship.  In fact, I recall early in the relationship she told me " she could call anyone to sleep with her if she wanted" Huge  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) that went over my head.  
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