Is it a trick?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Backstory: I live on campus at my university, but am graduating next month and perhaps moving home. I have numerous health problems and have been in a power struggle with my mom for over two years about letting me talk to the doctor, going to appointments alone, making my own medical decisions, etc. I totaled my last car and my parents have been dragging their feet on buying me another one, so I figured I'd just buy one myself. When I told them I am car shopping, they patronized me and said I couldn't drive because I totaled my last one. My money should be saved and I wasn't allowed to spend it (they're huge on me saving my money and providing for me... .which is great if they weren't controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive).

The Issue: The past two weeks, they have been really awesome. My mom has been in the background concerning my health. She said they want to get me a car "right away" when I come home. They are planning a family vacation during the summer (me, sister, mom, dad), but I didn't have to go along, that it was up to me (I think they know I loathe family vacations). When I told them probably not, they didn't even seem hurt. They invited me to a concert this weekend, but said "not to feel pressured if I have too much work." My usually critical mom is being very validating and supportive. I am just super confused because they're being suspiciously awesome. They're being really generous with giving me autonomy/independence that it almost seems like they're pushing *me* out, rather than me pushing them out as usual.

To escape all their nonsense, I have been planning on moving out and getting an apartment with my best friend. We have been making the plans and are really excited about it. I made an appointment with a good therapist I think can actually help me and have been applying for jobs. My parents know nothing about this. Now I am just super confused about moving out. I could save so much money living with them and they said they'd buy me a car. I know how lucky I am to have parents still willing to support me, so if they provide all that and are actually going to treat me like an individual adult, I'm sold. They have been dragging their feet on the car thing, but maybe they finally had a chance to talk about it? Maybe they're getting counseling? Maybe they're through a rough patch they didn't tell me about? Maybe they realized that I am graduating from college and am an adult, so they'll finally treat me like one? Maybe they are actually trying to be supportive?

Should I believe all this? It seems too good to be true... .

[poiu]

Backstory: I live on campus at my university, but am graduating next month and perhaps moving home. I have numerous health problems and have been in a power struggle with my mom for over two years about letting me talk to the doctor, going to appointments alone, making my own medical decisions, etc. I totaled my last car and my parents have been dragging their feet on buying me another one, so I figured I'd just buy one myself. When I told them I am car shopping, they patronized me and said I couldn't drive because I totaled my last one. My money should be saved and I wasn't allowed to spend it (they're huge on me saving my money and providing for me... .which is great if they weren't controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive).

The Issue: The past two weeks, they have been really awesome. My mom has been in the background concerning my health. She said they want to get me a car "right away" when I come home. They are planning a family vacation during the summer (me, sister, mom, dad), but I didn't have to go along, that it was up to me (I think they know I loathe family vacations). When I told them probably not, they didn't even seem hurt. They invited me to a concert this weekend, but said "not to feel pressured if I have too much work." My usually critical mom is being very validating and supportive. I am just super confused because they're being suspiciously awesome. They're being really generous with giving me autonomy/independence that it almost seems like they're pushing *me* out, rather than me pushing them out as usual.

To escape all their nonsense, I have been planning on moving out and getting an apartment with my best friend. We have been making the plans and are really excited about it. I made an appointment with a good therapist I think can actually help me and have been applying for jobs. My parents know nothing about this. Now I am just super confused about moving out. I could save so much money living with them and they said they'd buy me a car. I know how lucky I am to have parents still willing to support me, so if they provide all that and are actually going to treat me like an individual adult, I'm sold. They have been dragging their feet on the car thing, but maybe they finally had a chance to talk about it? Maybe they're getting counseling? Maybe they're through a rough patch they didn't tell me about? Maybe they realized that I am graduating from college and am an adult, so they'll finally treat me like one? Maybe they are actually trying to be supportive?

Should I believe all this? It seems too good to be true... .

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi poiu,

It appears you have only a handful of posts so I'd like to say welcome!

I skimmed through your other posts and it seems the PD persons in your life is your mom who likely has BPD and dad likely having NPD, right?  Your thread may get moved to the family board as this one is for conflicts with a SO.  No worries though!

It sounds like because of your disability your mom is comfortable in a role as your caregiver and has not wanted to give up that role even on things you feel able to manage? (Even though it sounds like you managed without her at college?) Is this about right?

Having numerous health issues is hard even for the best of us to manage and there may certainly be some benefits to including mom in some of your care.  What aspects do you feel she is helpful?

TBH: I am over 40 and also have several confusing health issues.  It can be overwhelming to recall how one issue affects another and such.  I actually take my son (likely close to your age) with me to many appointments because he can help me process info the doctor relays to me faster than I can especially when I am also focusing on not forgetting to ask my own questions.  (Of course though, he does not try to take charge of this position)

Does your mom have any legal decision making authority over you? POA? Guardianship? Etc?

I think you are wise to be suspicious of their sudden seeming change in personality.  Persons with a PD do not generally change personality and if they do, it is likely temporary.

I will not advise you on whether to move in with them or not.  However, if you do consider and decide to I think it would be wise to post this on the legal board we have here and request from your parents the terms, conditions and expectations that they have and have a legal agreement drafted and in place.  (It is possible that broaching such a topic, if they have ulterior motives, may help reveal these.)

What are your thoughts?

[poiu]

I think you are wise to be suspicious of their sudden seeming change in personality.  Persons with a PD do not generally change personality and if they do, it is likely temporary.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you for your reply!

Just to clarify, my health problems are minor digestive issues. All they require is a diet change and supplements. It hasn't affected my daily functioning in any way. I am more than capable of managing on my own, but she imposes victim on me and forces her help even though it interferes with me communicating with my doctor. Not to be materialistic, but all I really need is their insurance... .

Good thing to be suspicious. I just wonder, or am hoping in vain, that this could be the beginning of a peaceful future.

[Sunfl0wer]

Poiu,

Thank you for clarifying, I see that you did not say you are disabled, I apologize for incorrectly thinking that.

When I told them I am car shopping, they patronized me and said I couldn't drive because I totaled my last one. My money should be saved and I wasn't allowed to spend it (they're huge on me saving my money and providing for me... .which is great if they weren't controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive).

So mom doesn't want you to have a car, until you are getting one without her, then she decides she will get you one?  It does not sound to me like your mom who was controlling your doctors appointments has changed her controlling ways.  It simply sounds like she is controlling through her financial 'gifts.'  I say 'gifts' in quotes because it sounds like there is a hidden price you pay in receiving these gifts?

Is there anything in your moms past that would lead you to believe she has the ability to gift a living space with you and will gift it without expectation or controlling behavior? 

If you move in with your parents, what is the worse that you can imagine?  Can you suck it up and live with that? 

There are no guarantees and chances are, you will not be moving back in with a new and improved mom, but the mom you have always known, just some variant in some unknown direction.

[poiu]

I say 'gifts' in quotes because it sounds like there is a hidden price you pay in receiving these gifts?

Absolutely. My N dad went on a rant about how I'm ungrateful for *him* paying for my education. My parents, both sets of grandparents, and scholarships *I earned* paid for my education. Also, I am a dual major/dual minor honors student working two jobs. If that's ungrateful, I may as well have been cutting class and doing drugs 

Is there anything in your moms past that would lead you to believe she has the ability to gift a living space with you and will gift it without expectation or controlling behavior? 

Ha! Absolutely not. I'm gaining some clarify now ... .I think they are just really excited about me coming home soon and are in a good mood. Maybe they're trying to get me excited about going home as well, trying to show that it will be better?

If you move in with your parents, what is the worse that you can imagine?  Can you suck it up and live with that?

 

More emotional/verbal abuse, at worse. My best friend and I have an inside joke that if I haven't been criticized or ended up in tears within 24 hours of going home, it was a successful visit. If they actually have changed, who knows what's in store.

There are no guarantees and chances are, you will not be moving back in with a new and improved mom, but the mom you have always known, just some variant in some unknown direction.

I fear this is true. My sister is a codependent/enabler and has zero problems with them, but I'm the strong-willed independent child. I was just really looking forward to ending the power struggle and mind games of this emotional roller coaster. Hopefully starting therapy soon. *sigh*

[Notwendy]

I have been planning on moving out and getting an apartment with my best friend. We have been making the plans and are really excited about it. I made an appointment with a good therapist I think can actually help me and have been applying for jobs.


I would not say that what your parents are doing is a trick, but as you have said in your other posts, your mother does not want you to move out of the home. Their recent behavior may be motivated by their desire to have you move back home.

Having a parent with BPD may not mean that they do not do nice things. They can do nice things. However, when offered something nice from a BPD parent, you can consider is this really good for me? It can get complicated. Being nice can come with expectation or obligation.

It isn't easy to "let go" of an adult child, and see them move away from home. Sure, a parent misses them. So why do parents seemingly let this happen without intervention on their part? Because they know that it is in the best interest of the child to leave home and become independent. They deal with their own feelings because to inhibit the process of a child becoming an independent adult is in a way harming the child. As a mom myself, this is a central goal from the beginning. It starts when the child begins to feed themselves, learns to pick up their own toys, learns to drive, gets a first job, goes to college. Each step is about teaching the child to be able to be independent.

One thing to consider is this: a child graduating college and getting his/her own place to live is a typical step for that person to take at their age. Some parents may help the child transition to this- the child may be in graduate school, or need some financial assistance until they get their first paycheck, or help with a part of this by helping them get a car, but the goal is always for the child to be on the path to independence by their working at their job or advancing to a degree. I know of some adult children who do live with parents after college but if the goal is independence then both parents and child are invested in this being temporary and are taking steps to that goal- such as saving money, looking for a job, taking additional classes at a local college.

I have also seen this take an unhealthy direction in enmeshed families and it is a combination of both parent and child. I have a friend who laments that her unemployed son is partying all day and has no incentive to get a job. Yet, she allows him to live in her nice home, cooks for him and lets him use the car with no consequences to his unemployment. Neither of them are showing incentive for him to become independent.

A parent with BPD may not be supportive of a child's independence out of a fear of abandonment, or possibly a change in the family dynamics. In this case, if the child wants to become independent, he or she would need to work on becoming so, even if the parent does not like it. For that child, there could be consequences when parents are angry. If the parent has significant economic power, that adult child would need to become financially independent, since unlike other parents who help their child on the path to independence, independence is not the mutual goal.

So back to the part of your post that I highlighted. You have been making plans with your friend. Breaking these plans would let the friend down and perhaps you too. You have taken steps to your own independence- counseling, job seeking. Now, your parents may not like this, and they may show this by withholding money. This is their choice too. Part of adulthood is self sufficiency. You can not expect your parents (or anyone) to give you money for something they don't like. However, if you can afford to move out on your own, then doing so is a normal stage for someone your age.

If you decide you are not able to move out and move back with your parents- this needs to also be for you, not based on their behavior- because you have no control over their behavior. And for your own sake, if you did it , because you have no other realistic choice- my personal feeling is that it needs to be a temporary step,  because IMHO it isn't conducive to the goal of becoming an independent adult.

[formflier]

 

I tend to be a bit on the practical side. 

When your parents say "buy you a car" will it be in your name or theirs?  Will they be making payments or will car be free and clear?

Was the last car yours or theirs?

What are you planning on doing to be clear and specific about being grateful for the help your family has provided?  Note, this is not to "convince" people that believe you are not grateful, it's about doing the right thing.  If they remain unconvinced, that is their business.

I may have missed it, but are you the first to leave home or have their been others?

FF

[poiu]

When your parents say "buy you a car" will it be in your name or theirs?  Will they be making payments or will car be free and clear?

Was the last car yours or theirs?

Probably the same as my last car- basically, it's theirs because they make payments and everything. They say where and when it's used. I just get to use it. So, really not my car... .

What are you planning on doing to be clear and specific about being grateful for the help your family has provided?  Note, this is not to "convince" people that believe you are not grateful, it's about doing the right thing.  If they remain unconvinced, that is their business.

I'm not sure of your exact question?... .When I move out, I was going to write them a heartfelt thank you for all that they've done, which doesn't sound like much, but I'm sure adult children never think to do this. The problem is, I think I need a clean break to work with my therapist and get my head cleared. So I want to stay away from the mind games such as I'm not contacting them much enough (my mom complains that I'm "cold" because I am very serious and don't take the same enjoyment out of her criticisms that she does). I wouldn't even know what to do that would be appropriate because nothing is ever good enough. For example, apologizing for something only makes things worse. They say I'm not sorry at all and things just escalate.

I may have missed it... .but are you the first to leave home or have their been others?

I have an older, deeply-enmeshed codependent sister who moved out earlier this year. But, it's basically like she's still living there . We are pretty close, but I could never talk to her about this. She defends me sometimes and tells me that what they do isn't right, but she's mostly on their side.

[Notwendy]

I don't know if whose name is on the car is the most relevant issue here. In many cases, it is much cheaper for parents to have the car in their name and insure it on their policy than to have a young driver get his/her own insurance. Then parents can arrange any financial contribution they would like the child to make towards the cost of insurance if they wish.

Where I see a potential problem here is in any expectations- "I do what I want and want my parents to pay for it". In the adult world, this doesn't work whether parents are fair or unfair. Doing what one wants required having their own money to do it. If parents buy a car for their child, it is because they want to do it too. They could for any reason, but one of them could be to enable that child to get a job, which would help that child become independent. Another might be to keep the child close to home and obligated to them.

But there are other reasons. Parents might be concerned that a child is not mature enough to move out. They want the child to become independent, but the child is not ready yet, so they take it in slower steps.

Here is where I see that possibility. They bought you a car, and you totaled it. Yes, your parents may have issues with BPD, but even parents who do not would be hesitant to purchase another car in these circumstances.

The bottom line though is, you are legal age to do what you want to do, but you can not expect someone else to pay for it.

If you are able to live on your own and purchase a car - that is great, and a good step to becoming an independent adult. This is a normal and healthy step to adulthood.

[poiu]

Where I see a potential problem here is in any expectations- "I do what I want and want my parents to pay for it". Doing what one wants required having their own money to do it.

The bottom line though is, you are legal age to do what you want to do, but you can not expect someone else to pay for it.

On the contrary, I am more than willing to buy my own car and take care of it completely myself. This is what I want to do. If they do go through with offering me a car, I think I will probably graciously decline. The issues is that they *forbid me* from spending *my own* money to do so.

Anyway, this thread is getting off- track, but the real issue is that I'd be losing health insurance probably. It would be nice to have my medical expenses covered, which isn't really a luxury like a car.

[Notwendy]

If you live in the U.S. insurance for young people is relatively inexpensive I think . It would be nice if your parents kept you in theirs but that is their choice.

I do understand your situation as I grew up with BPD mom and any money I accepted from my parents came with expectations. She controlled any money my father might have wanted to give me. It was a major goal of mine to become independent of them. I could not spend even my allowance or money earned at a job without my mothers permission but I realized that any financial ties to them meant a certain amount of control on her part.

I am now also a parent. I don't want to overly control my kids. However the use of an automobile comes with some responsibilities. Now that I am a parent - I realize that some things my parents did make sense, even if my mother is disordered.

One thing to look into is the cost of insuring a car. That can be costly with a young driver and if insurance was involved when you totaled the car, the rates can go up. If your parents took on that expense they may be hesitant about another car. They may be going about this in a controlling sense but they may also be more aware of the cost of living on ones own and owning a car.

Still you are a legal adult who can do as you choose with your own money.

[formflier]

I've got two adult children now that I am "semi-supporting".

On the grand scale of things, I'm a bit hands off.  I want them to make their own decisions and mistakes.  Hopefully I can help pick up pieces, if they stumble.

It sounds like your parents are really tight on the control.

I think your head is in the right place. 


Gratitude letter  My idea is that you write a letter and send it in a card around gradutation time, probably just after.

If you move out later, would be good to do that again.

Also, make sure you say something in person.  Good way to confirm they have the card.  If they don't mention it, ask, then thank them in person. 

You want to accomplish a couple things.  Thank them appropriately.  Also make subtle reminders that you are an independent adult.

"As I move out on my own into the adult world.  I am thankful for the support you have provided"

Would be appropriate to elaborate on the support.

Be careful with long heartfelt letters.  People with PDs can read things (meanings) that you don't intend.  Good idea to post it here first.

FF