Forgetting the bad times

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello everyone

Just a quick observation.

I seem to try to forget the bad times, maybe this is why I kept going back again and again?

I need to remind myself of the hell this relationship was and would be if it ever happened again.

Is this part of the reason we obsess?

I go offence missing her then to defence for self protection.

I must never forget what really happend but keeping the painful memories alive and stirred up is painful.

Worked with councelor today, codependency. Powerful stuff, I gave in to my exgfs demands until I became nothing. Because she wouldn't compromise in the relationship

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

Just a quick observation.

I seem to try to forget the bad times, maybe this is why I kept going back again and again?

I need to remind myself of the hell this relationship was and would be if it ever happened again.

Is this part of the reason we obsess?

I go offence missing her then to defence for self protection.

I must never forget what really happend but keeping the painful memories alive and stirred up is painful.

Worked with councelor today, codependency. Powerful stuff, I gave in to my exgfs demands until I became nothing. Because she wouldn't compromise in the relationship

[Anez]

I have done the same before. My T says to make sure to back up every good memory with a bad one. See her whole picture. Allow your brain to take that all in. Do it every time and eventually your brain will re-wire itself and you won't be so addicted to her. and eventually you won't be addicted to her at all.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Anez, I have a notebook full of crazy but I'm slowly forgetting the good times. I used to keep the notebook beside me at all times.

Most of my obsessive thoughts are future based about when she's going to crash and burn again. I've learned not to project into the future and just remembered not to do this as I'm typing.

The good times were just a nice dream, I loved her but she could not reciprocate. I was in love with the idea of having a family and being happy, but my exgf is immature and selfish. Acts like 13 or 14

[JQ]

Hey Jerry,

You're making some powerful forward progress not only in learning about your exBPDgf, but more importantly you're working with your T and discovering your codependency. This is a HUGE step for you and I congratulate you! Well done!      Once you start to learn the real intricacies about Codependency then the rest of things start to fall into place and you can learn to say NO to the mental, physical and emotional abuse that she did to you.  Not only did I have to learn to say it to my now exBPdgf, but I had to learn to say it to my BPD step mother which was tougher for me to accomplish, but I did it.

I did the same thing, compromised on everything until through the therapy I learned to say no and that just pissed her off and the raging got worse. The recycle continued until she knew I had stood my ground and wouldn't cave into her flying monkey demands anymore.

Your therapist is correct in the fact that you must NEVER forget the negative side of the BPD coin.  It was this constant reminder of her rages, her unreasonable request, her constant deceit, her statements she made about other bf's, and especially her T comment that I constantly remind myself when I even have even the smallest thought of reaching out to her. Then ask myself what are you thinking? Do you really, REALLY want to go back to that?  And the answer is a very simple, a quite "No".  And with that all is right in the world again.  

J

[JerryRG]

Thank you JQ

I am healing but still have that nagging obsession, it is getting better though. I am proud of my progress and I am starting to find myself again. All I felt, thought and dreamed about was my exgf. She demanded more and more of my life.

I got healthy enough to ask her to leave, I've made this clear for years but gave in out of pity or for her safety. Suicide threats and manipulation and lies. I held on to the hope she would get healthy but I was only enabling her from the work she needed to do for herself. She probably thought I would always be around but this time it was final, I learned of nc and commited to stopping the rollarcoaster. It hurts but she would not help herself. I offered her the way to happiness but she wanted misery.

Thanks again, for the positive support.  

[Herodias]

Funny you say "crash and burn" because that is exactly what my exes mother said mine would do. It seems she was right and it is happening! I know what you mean about wondering when and how... .Mine is so different now because he is having a baby in a couple weeks. I feel like this is a real twist. He seems to think he can try and be a good dad. I don't see how, but I guess I am supposed to wish the best for him. To me this is a real game changer compared to everything in the past. It was always all about him. I don't believe this will be any different down the road. We do have to remember the negative. My mind goes to the positive and misses that part too. The problem is that's why we stayed so long in the first place! There are extreme negatives... .not just squeezing the toothpaste in the middle or leaving a toilet seat up or whatever men think woman do -lol- these are BIG -BIG problems! We need to remember that! I know what you mean about them choosing misery. Mine said he was on a downward spiral and it would be better for me to leave him... .Not sure he really cared enough to want me to go. He is not going to be happy following this gf into the next state with a baby- but she has him convinced he will. His Mother thinks she is trash- not a good way to start!

[JerryRG]

Thanks Herodias

My ex thrives on drama, chaos and attention, our son was a showcase for her, every picture she posted on social media was about how great a mother she was, rarely said anything positive about our son. Our son was an extension of her. I'm wondering how someone who sucks the life out of everyone around them with "look at me" can focus enough attention on a child. I believe you are right about your ex, once the baby becomes front page news and the cameras are put away and midnight diaper changes become a reality things with change and diapers won't be the only thing stinking up the place.

[Ahoy]

I gave in to my exgfs demands until I became nothing. Because she wouldn't compromise in the relationship

Man this just hit me like a sledgehammer. I'm seeing cartoon birds! Mate I can 100000% relate to you on this front. Remember all of us are going through various stages of withdrawal. Not just from trauma-bonding or a BPD relationship... .LOVE is fundamentally addictive!

It's certainly not linear (our recovery) and EVERYONE here has posted that before things get better, they get a lot worse. So what does our brain do? Compartmentalise the pain so we can process it later when we are ready. Downside to this? we remember the good times not the bad!

As much as your two comments here are full of pain and hurt, they also tell me you are in an excellent frame of mind for healing. You are taking the right steps and now (like of all of us) you just need to learn to roll with the punches.

My secret? I force myself to take my dogs for a walk. During this walk I only think about me and my future. Then I'll go to the gym and run on a treadmill listening to motivational music. I HATE the gym but you will find your body will naturally release endorphins during exercise. Combine that with positive thoughts and you may find you suddenly feel going about yourself (even just for a little bit)

[JerryRG]

Thanks Ahoy

I have to run to the store, yes love is a drug and my ex and I burned like the sun for a short while, strangest thing ever, I held her and the world stopped existing, it was only her and I

I thought I found my soul mate, what I found was the reality of me, my soul, my reality