The Unbearable Sadness

[HurtinNW]

When I first adopted my kids, they went through a lot of grief and anger and loss. I would often hold them as they cried, or raged, and I would tell them it was okay, that they were experiencing "the unbearable sadness." For them it was the unbearable sadness of losing their birth parents, of being neglected and abandoned and abused, of having their safety taken from them, of being sent home to home. I don't know where I came up with the phrase but it fit. Over time they would come to me, curl in my arms, and say mom, I have the unbearable sadness.

I have the unbearable sadness now, and I don't have anyone to curl up in their arms. I don't know how to handle it. This relationship awoke a hunger in me deeper than anything, and now that it is gone I am beside myself at how deep the pain, how unbearable the sadness.

I think most times I recycled it was because I could not bear this sadness. I would rather be with him in trauma than alone with this emptiness.

I am writing this out because I am just lost on how to handle it. I know all the stuff... .keep busy, self care, counseling... .I am doing all those. But I cannot imagine anyone else in the world whom I would feel the same about, and I am having trouble envisioning a future without this sense of emptiness and loss.

It is very much a primal wound. I know that. It is mother hungry, safety hunger, the wish there was one soft safe place to fall. This sadness truly does feel unbearable.

[Sadly]

I have read so many things on these boards but never ever have I read anything quite so beautifully descriptive and so desperately sad that expresses mine and I would imagine so many others feelings the way you have. Your children are the luckiest children in the world. If you can close your arms and imagine warm arms around you, they are mine. Love to you. Xx

[heartandwhole]

What a beautiful way of putting it, HurtinNW. I feel for you, and I can relate very much to that sadness.  

The way you describe holding your children when they felt the unbearable sadness is immeasurably touching. I wonder if you can imagine the wise parent inside of you putting his/her arms around you—the hurting child—when you feel the sorrow coming on? I felt just that sense of emptiness and loss for quite some time, too, and couldn't imagine every feeling different. But I do. I feel happy and alive. That deep sadness does lift, it really does.

There is a part of you that knows, welcomes, and embraces you in ALL states and conditions. In my opinion, we access it by feeling the loss, the sadness, the pain of feeling separate from ourselves. Underneath that mountain of hurt is a loving softness and peace that never leaves. By leaning in to the sorrow, just a little at first, and bit by bit as we can handle it, we allow the unbearable sadness to move through us and reveal that inner strength and compassion that is the core of our true identity. At least this has been my experience.

I also think that if we accept this core wound as our lifelong companion, honoring it and letting it have its moment, without attaching some story about it being unhealthy, bad, or something to get rid of, then we can move through life with increased compassion for ourselves and others. We can learn to be gentle with ourselves, which I think is so important. You obviously have that tenderness in abundance, HurtinNW, and your children are truly blessed to have a mom like you. Your own "little HurtinNW" needs that comfort, too. Maybe there are no physical arms around you right now, but you have the capacity to soothe that little one. It's something I am still learning to do, as I learned to skip over "little heart" in an effort to get what I needed. I don't know if you can relate to that?

Thank you for your courage in expressing your sadness, HurtinNW. It brings us all closer together and hopefully helps you to bear what feels unbearable. As Sadly said, we are all wrapping our virtual arms around you.  

heartandwhole

[Sunfl0wer]

What an excellent description.

It is very much a primal wound. I know that. It is mother hungry, safety hunger, the wish there was one soft safe place to fall. This sadness truly does feel unbearable.

I have wanted someone to just hold and rock me through this sadness.

I often feel badly for not having a soft place to fall, even when I am not feeling unbearable sadness, this thought still stays with me.

Heartandwhole:

By leaning in to the sorrow, just a little at first, and bit by bit as we can handle it, we allow the unbearable sadness to move through us and reveal that inner strength and compassion that is the core of our true identity. At least this has been my experience.

I too have practiced leaning into it.  I actually took two whole days off work, stayed in bed and grieved.  I followed the grief and pain to spend time with it and see where it would take me.  It took me to past grief and situations.

It was very helpful!

[patientandclear]

Letting your kids experience that sadness without telling them they're wrong or trying to instantly fix it, is what makes you a one in a million mom. Ironically, it probably also meant you were an ideal partner to your ex. If only he didn't violate your legitimate needs and do so much damage in the bargain, it all could be great.

I so relate to what you wrote about preferring to be with him in the trauma rather than experiencing the deep loneliness and sadness. I very much respect those who wrote here that it's good to try to provide that comfort to yourself, but honestly, after years of reading that, and practicing trauma healing therapies (lifespan integration) that use exactly that idea, I don't think this thing we are hungering for is actually something one can give oneself. Because it is the hunger to be seen and cherished and known and safe with another, separate, person. Susan Anderson writes about how "love yourself" is not a complete answer, that longing for those comforting arms around you is a primal need, even if there is no primal wound underlying it.

I simply don't know what to do about the fact that, like you, this r/ship awoke a realization of this deep need that I cannot satisfy myself through good practices; that he cannot be trusted to meet this need without also doing things that I cannot fully protect myself from by not taking it personally validating etc etc.; and that there is no guarantee or even, at my age and gender, likelihood that someone different will meet this need. It can feel that there are no good choices.

I am also with you on "I can't imagine feeling like this about someone else." It took a lot for me to let this person in. Gathering my hope and confidence and optimism and risk taking ability to do that again--it feels impossible. So, yeah.

Life brings unscheduled serendipitous things sometimes. That's what I remind myself. We cannot know for sure how the storyline will turn good. We put our best into the mix and we see what happens. Choosing the path of trauma in order to avoid the emptiness and unbearable sadness seems to do fundamental harm to us, and it does preclude other possibilities. They may not be certainties but they are possibilities, and they get shut down if we keep trying to make this other story turn out right.

[joeramabeme]

I would rather be with him in trauma than alone with this emptiness.

I wished I could say something that would soothe your pain and loneliness, but know that words are inadequate.  I can only share that, as others have said, I share your heartfelt pain and yearning.  My thoughts and heartfelt intentions are with you for peace and warmth in your moment(s) of anguish.

[HurtinNW]

Thank you, all.

Today has been really hard. All of it has been really hard. I've been working on a letter, to clarify my anger, and what has happened is I am deep in sorrow, blindsided by more grief. This unbearable sadness.

I so wish there was some way to convince him how important it was, how special the gift he was given, how different his life could be. My heart just aches.

I do understand the idea of holding that little me-child, giving myself the tenderness and care I so long for. But I am also with patientandclear that we all long to be seen and heard and loved by another—to see the reflection of ourselves in the loving eyes of a partner. I am so incredibly lucky to have big love from my kids. But it isn't the same as wanting my own special someone.

In the past it was often about this point in a break up that the pain for me became untenable, and I would find a way to reach out. Please, please tell me I know that doesn't work. Tell me he is in a different place on a different journey and even if I can see he is hurting that doesn't mean he is taking responsibility. Please remind me that this unbearable sadness is worth protecting my kids from more harm.

[heartandwhole]

In the past it was often about this point in a break up that the pain for me became untenable, and I would find a way to reach out. Please, please tell me I know that doesn't work. Tell me he is in a different place on a different journey and even if I can see he is hurting that doesn't mean he is taking responsibility. Please remind me that this unbearable sadness is worth protecting my kids from more harm.

This is so understandable, HurtinNW. Of course you want to reach out, and of course you want another to be present for you in your pain, to help lessen the hurt. We humans all want and need that.

When the "beloved" is not here with us, though, who is left?

I remember a moment in a previous relationship, where I was in this black hole, physically curled up, holding myself and rocking back and forth in a sea of tears, feeling infinitely lonely and like my insides were ripping apart, wanting so badly for him to hold me and love me like he had done before... .then, suddenly knowing that that wasn't going to change anything. That it wasn't actually what I wanted or needed in that moment. For me, it was my own presence that I needed, my own witnessing of myself, my own loving and acceptance of that core pain, the part of me that felt so separate from love. No one on the planet could have taken it away from me at that moment, and as I understood that—that there was no way out but through—I was okay with it and just did my best to be with all the feelings, and bear compassionate witness to the storm moving through me.

Stay with yourself, HurtinNW, no matter if you choose to reach out and engage or not. 

heart

[Grey Kitty]

I do understand the idea of holding that little me-child, giving myself the tenderness and care I so long for. But I am also with patientandclear that we all long to be seen and heard and loved by another—to see the reflection of ourselves in the loving eyes of a partner. I am so incredibly lucky to have big love from my kids. But it isn't the same as wanting my own special someone.

 I'd reach through the screen and hold you while you cry or rage or whatever you need to do if I could.

And I get wanting that special person who can do that for you. I'm separated and don't have that either. (And your kids aren't the same, as you are the responsible adult, they are children, so you cannot ask this of them.)

I do have some very dear very close friends who can hold space for me... .although it isn't quite the same, especially as they are all long distance for me right now. But it does help. A LOT. Do you have good safe friends?

All I can offer you is the same hope I'm trusting in myself--the more I am able to heal myself and sooth myself... .the healthier I am... .the better my chances are of attracting the right person, one who is up to my standards, one who will be able to be there for me like this in a relationship.

[A C]

Your feelings are raw, real and earned. I hope you know this, but just in case, I'm reminding you. When you embraced your children in their unbearable sadness, in addition to comfort, you gave them permission to grieve. If it's too soon for you to keep busy or even to hug or love yourself, then perhaps you need to wallow. I suspect you are used to being the strong adult in the room - the one that not only your children depend upon, but probably your friends and family too. And now, here you are feeling alone and lost with no one to comfort you. Sadly, there's no magic wand - you must feel what you feel for as long as you do. It seems counter intuitive, but sometimes it helps to embrace the sadness.

In time, you may be grateful that your grief awakened you to your deep hunger for that special someone who knows you, sees you, and loves you. I hope you are. Today, however, that just seems like a platitude.

I wish I could wish away your pain - we all do. So I'm adding my virtual hug to those you've already received.

[HurtinNW]

I do understand the idea of holding that little me-child, giving myself the tenderness and care I so long for. But I am also with patientandclear that we all long to be seen and heard and loved by another—to see the reflection of ourselves in the loving eyes of a partner. I am so incredibly lucky to have big love from my kids. But it isn't the same as wanting my own special someone.

 I'd reach through the screen and hold you while you cry or rage or whatever you need to do if I could.

And I get wanting that special person who can do that for you. I'm separated and don't have that either. (And your kids aren't the same, as you are the responsible adult, they are children, so you cannot ask this of them.)

I do have some very dear very close friends who can hold space for me... .although it isn't quite the same, especially as they are all long distance for me right now. But it does help. A LOT. Do you have good safe friends?

All I can offer you is the same hope I'm trusting in myself--the more I am able to heal myself and sooth myself... .the healthier I am... .the better my chances are of attracting the right person, one who is up to my standards, one who will be able to be there for me like this in a relationship.

I'd never put my kids in the spot of giving me what a partner should, no worries there. I am blessed with friends, quite a few actually, and people who want to be my friend. I do think people respond to me, my warmth, my integrity and kindness. To tell the truth, it just isn't the same. I think I am reluctant to try and get those needs met from friends. I need to try more to let them care for me that way.

As AC suggests, I am usually the strong one in the room. I work with death inmates. I adopted my kids. I've fostered others. I seem to have an endless capacity to care for others, but when it comes to asking and receiving for myself... .eh, less so. Got to admit it!

So today I will reach out and ask a girlfriend to meet soon.

I agree that the healthier I am, and less needy, the more likely I will attract someone better for me. I think one element of my relationship with my ex is I had saved all that hunger for one person—and it was a lot. I was too needy at times. After caring so much for others, I wanted to be cared for myself. It's a reasonable expectation, but not when it creates such a need a trauma bond is formed when you should just walk away.

[hope2727]

Unbearable sadness... .what an accurate expression of how I feel. I can't thank you enough for write those eloquent words. They describe how I feel exactly. Beautifully put. I appreciate your sharing.

[Grey Kitty]

I am blessed with friends, quite a few actually, and people who want to be my friend. I do think people respond to me, my warmth, my integrity and kindness. To tell the truth, it just isn't the same. I think I am reluctant to try and get those needs met from friends. I need to try more to let them care for me that way.

As AC suggests, I am usually the strong one in the room. I work with death inmates. I adopted my kids. I've fostered others. I seem to have an endless capacity to care for others, but when it comes to asking and receiving for myself... .eh, less so. Got to admit it!

So today I will reach out and ask a girlfriend to meet soon.

It is hard work to be vulnerable. And it sounds like that isn't your normal role either.

Particularly tricky is figuring out which people are really safe to be vulnerable with.

... .It is funny how your perspective shifts. I've got some friends who were worth their weight in gold helping me cope with the end of my marriage. They supported me, both while I was trying to make things work and when I was trying to move on.

Someday soon I hope to be dating a new woman, getting to know her. One thing I've decided already is that the right woman for me will be one who isn't going to be unreasonably jealous about me having intimate friends. Even though most of them are female. They aren't going to be an actual threat to a new relationship... .in fact, they will be supporting me into that. And if it fails, on my way out as well. I'm not going to dump the people who saved me as my last r/s ended for my next one!

[HurtinNW]

I am blessed with friends, quite a few actually, and people who want to be my friend. I do think people respond to me, my warmth, my integrity and kindness. To tell the truth, it just isn't the same. I think I am reluctant to try and get those needs met from friends. I need to try more to let them care for me that way.

As AC suggests, I am usually the strong one in the room. I work with death inmates. I adopted my kids. I've fostered others. I seem to have an endless capacity to care for others, but when it comes to asking and receiving for myself... .eh, less so. Got to admit it!

So today I will reach out and ask a girlfriend to meet soon.

It is hard work to be vulnerable. And it sounds like that isn't your normal role either.

Particularly tricky is figuring out which people are really safe to be vulnerable with.

... .It is funny how your perspective shifts. I've got some friends who were worth their weight in gold helping me cope with the end of my marriage. They supported me, both while I was trying to make things work and when I was trying to move on.

Someday soon I hope to be dating a new woman, getting to know her. One thing I've decided already is that the right woman for me will be one who isn't going to be unreasonably jealous about me having intimate friends. Even though most of them are female. They aren't going to be an actual threat to a new relationship... .in fact, they will be supporting me into that. And if it fails, on my way out as well. I'm not going to dump the people who saved me as my last r/s ended for my next one!

A different topic, but jealousy is interesting. I was in a 15 year relationship prior to this one and never got jealous. My partner had female friends, male friends, would go out with his buddies... .not a drop of jealousy on my part. I even knew there was a woman at his work who was always hitting on him, and I don't think it once occurred to me he would cheat.

But then in this relationship with BPD/NPD ex, everything was different. I became jealous. It took me a long time to realize the jealousy was a symptom of a deeper disquiet that I couldn't name. The bottom line was I didn't trust him. I didn't trust him to take my feelings and tenderness seriously. This manifested as me feeling jealous of other women around him. I felt very insecure about how he would talk about how beautiful they were, and prioritize their feelings (idealizing them) over mine (devaluing me). To give just one example, one night we were at a play and he refused to hold my hand. I was very hurt and puzzled. Later he told me there was a woman nearby he once dated, and he didn't want to "hurt" her feelings. I have no idea what that was about, but instead of confronting my feelings and fears it manifested as me being jealous of the woman.

So I guess I am saying sometimes jealousy, like other emotions, is telling us something about the relationship, not just ourselves. Grey Kitty, when you find the right woman she won't be jealous of your friends, but also you will have the skills to communicate with her and give her the trust and stability she needs.

Does that make sense?

[Grey Kitty]

So I guess I am saying sometimes jealousy, like other emotions, is telling us something about the relationship, not just ourselves.

I've got a lot of respect for jealousy--I'm not a very jealous person... .but the three times I was jealous of somebody my wife was spending time with, I later found out that there *WAS* something going on, even if it was only an emotional affair. In me, that emotional feeling of jealousy is my intuition saying "You need to pay attention to that person's relationship with your wife." And it was very accurate.

There are lots of people who do have toxic jealousy where they pull things out of nowhere as well. (pwBPD, very often!)

And even then, there was one woman in particular that my wife was a bit jealous of. I do find this woman attractive. I also have good personal chemistry with her. Plus she's pretty flirtatious. I've never lived nearby enough to have much of a chance to do anything. But still, my wife's intuition was probably good to have her paying attention. Side note: Since separating with my wife, I've decided that this woman is waaaaaaay to messed up for me to want to get involved, and probably has cluster-b traits too. Heck, even when my wife once mentioned concerns years ago, even then I know that this woman was too messed up for me to want to be involved with!

Grey Kitty, when you find the right woman she won't be jealous of your friends, but also you will have the skills to communicate with her and give her the trust and stability she needs.

Yes. And I do have very good personal chemistry with some people, mostly women, so there is reason to question and want to understand what is going on. The "right" woman for me might feel jealous, but be able to understand, trust me, and self-sooth and deal with it as her feelings. Or this "right" woman might not be jealous. Dunno.


Back to your hurting and sadness... .

As AC suggests, I am usually the strong one in the room. I work with death inmates. I adopted my kids. I've fostered others. I seem to have an endless capacity to care for others, but when it comes to asking and receiving for myself... .eh, less so. Got to admit it!

So today I will reach out and ask a girlfriend to meet soon.

Did you reach out? If so, how did it go?

[eeks]

I am writing this out because I am just lost on how to handle it. I know all the stuff... .keep busy, self care, counseling... .I am doing all those. But I cannot imagine anyone else in the world whom I would feel the same about, and I am having trouble envisioning a future without this sense of emptiness and loss.

It is very much a primal wound. I know that. It is mother hungry, safety hunger, the wish there was one soft safe place to fall. This sadness truly does feel unbearable.

If I'm understanding this correctly, when your relationship ended, you experienced sadness over that, but also saw that some of the sadness was tied to the "primal wound" of hunger for a soft safe place?

I read some of the articles on the AEDP website that you linked to, the type of therapy that your therapist does.  It seems to me designed to heal precisely this, to attune to those emotions that your parents could not, and to discover that the lonely, empty, dark feelings are not "all there is to life", nor are they unbearable, but rather that a person feels that despair when they use habitual defenses against core affect that their parents could not handle.  That's not to say you can't get these needs met in an intimate relationship, from friends etc., just that this therapy specifically addresses emotions in this way.

Have you shared this "unbearable sadness" with your therapist?  If so, what happened?

[HurtinNW]

I am writing this out because I am just lost on how to handle it. I know all the stuff... .keep busy, self care, counseling... .I am doing all those. But I cannot imagine anyone else in the world whom I would feel the same about, and I am having trouble envisioning a future without this sense of emptiness and loss.

It is very much a primal wound. I know that. It is mother hungry, safety hunger, the wish there was one soft safe place to fall. This sadness truly does feel unbearable.

If I'm understanding this correctly, when your relationship ended, you experienced sadness over that, but also saw that some of the sadness was tied to the "primal wound" of hunger for a soft safe place?

I read some of the articles on the AEDP website that you linked to, the type of therapy that your therapist does.  It seems to me designed to heal precisely this, to attune to those emotions that your parents could not, and to discover that the lonely, empty, dark feelings are not "all there is to life", nor are they unbearable, but rather that a person feels that despair when they use habitual defenses against core affect that their parents could not handle.  That's not to say you can't get these needs met in an intimate relationship, from friends etc., just that this therapy specifically addresses emotions in this way.

Have you shared this "unbearable sadness" with your therapist?  If so, what happened?

Excellent question. I saw her again today. I think she is putting out so many fires in terms of my anguish we don't always get there. And yet... .we do. One beautiful thing she does is looks at me and I can tell she believes I am loveable. It sounds small, but it is not. There are times I can sit in that space of feeling loveable. It is really, really hard for me. Especially after this relationship.

Today I was telling her I am afraid no one will ever see me. Ever hear me, ever love me. And we connected how sad that was, and how the sadness came from my mother. I felt bad for the little child who was once me, told no one would ever love me.

She asked me suddenly, point blank, if I thought she believed me. This was a surprising trigger for me but I said yes, instantly. We went through why I knew she believed me... .about the abuse of my ex in particular.

I just knew she did. I just do. That is the unbearable sadness: to not feel witnessed. To not feel you hurt even exists. But I do feel it exists with her. And when I see that I can begin to see it in myself.

That's a beautiful thing.

[Rifka]

Hurtin, my heart ached so much from reading your post! You're children are so very lucky to have been able to have permission to feel their feelings! Bravo to you!

Virtual hugs to you from me! I cried my eyes out reading your words and feeling my own lack of having permission, but more the realization of feeling my feelings within my childhood! I also was the strength in my house, pretty sure my mother was an u dBPD and was very cruel, strict to her own standards and couldn't care less when it was her time, which was most of the time. I never one day felt loved by her and always tried to please her and be the best I could be and do to keep her peaceful and not mean to me. Such learned survival traits absolutely became my survival mode in these last two relationships with BPD men. You put a name on my feelings and I was blown away in release of all of that pain of the past. I believed because I had forgiven her and moved forward in my life so long ago, that there was no more pain because it wasn't important to adult me anymore! Appartently it's very important to little me still! I had no idea! Thank you for allowing me to let her cry her tears and be with her and my adult me!

I hope that you embraced your feelings and are feeling more peaceful today! I know I feel like I have given myself a emotional cleansing! Thank you again for sharing your unbearable pain. I hope today it is bearable! Hugs Rifka

[Narkiss]

Yes! I think we are all scared that no one will see us, will hear us. And we wall that part off. Then someone does--or seems to--even for a short while. Then they leave and it becomes a huge red, raw, ugly space of fear and grief and sadness. And we are so afraid because they heard us and they saw us -- or at least seemed to -- and then turned away. And we connect that instead of realizing that they never really saw us or heard us and just did what they do because of their own internal imperative.

[joeramabeme]

If I'm understanding this correctly, when your relationship ended, you experienced sadness over that, but also saw that some of the sadness was tied to the "primal wound" of hunger for a soft safe place?

I read some of the articles on the AEDP website that you linked to, the type of therapy that your therapist does.  It seems to me designed to heal precisely this, to attune to those emotions that your parents could not, and to discover that the lonely, empty, dark feelings are not "all there is to life", nor are they unbearable, but rather that a person feels that despair when they use habitual defenses against core affect that their parents could not handle.  That's not to say you can't get these needs met in an intimate relationship, from friends etc., just that this therapy specifically addresses emotions in this way.

Can you share those links please?  This is exactly what I need... .

[HurtinNW]

Here's one description about it. Mt therapist is certified in it. It really is SO helpful for me. Best therapy I have ever had. Not just for this relationship but early childhood trauma.

www.traumacenter.org/clients/aedp.php

There are some lists out there of therapists who are in training or certified in AEDP

[atomic popsicles]

I don't even know what to say. I so appreciate what you have written. Unbearable sadness is such a good description. It's hard when your soft place is gone... .at least that is how I feel.

[SoMuchPain]

Life brings unscheduled serendipitous things sometimes. That's what I remind myself. We cannot know for sure how the storyline will turn good. We put our best into the mix and we see what happens. Choosing the path of trauma in order to avoid the emptiness and unbearable sadness seems to do fundamental harm to us, and it does preclude other possibilities. They may not be certainties but they are possibilities, and they get shut down if we keep trying to make this other story turn out right.

Thank you for this, tonight.  In my last post I made mention to something similar to this - that basically all I know is that by choosing to end the path of trauma, I have now opened myself up to at least a possibility. 

I am feeling the unbearable sadness tonight, OP.  I am with you, and I have no arms to hold me tight either (well, I do have some furry feline ones ... but only when she feels like it ). 

I can't help but thinking that I could have arms holding me.  That's where my unbearable sadness comes from.  My ex would be holding me, if it were her choice.  I am instead choosing the unbearable sadness over what I know, time and time again, is the path of trauma.  Sometimes, like tonight, it almost feels like the complete and total wrong choice.  :'(  I pray for strength tonight. 

[Lifewriter16]

Thank you for this, tonight.  In my last post I made mention to something similar to this - that basically all I know is that by choosing to end the path of trauma, I have now opened myself up to at least a possibility. 

I am feeling the unbearable sadness tonight, OP.  I am with you, and I have no arms to hold me tight either (well, I do have some furry feline ones ... but only when she feels like it grin). 

I can't help but thinking that I could have arms holding me.  That's where my unbearable sadness comes from.  My ex would be holding me, if it were her choice.  I am instead choosing the unbearable sadness over what I know, time and time again, is the path of trauma.  Sometimes, like tonight, it almost feels like the complete and total wrong choice.  cry  I pray for strength tonight.

Hi SoMuchPain.

Please know, that this really will change. You will come out the other end. You will no longer be in this dreadful pain. I have been where you are. I spent months and months there. However, now the fog has lifted and the emptiness and unbearable sadness have gone. I thought I would hurt forever. I could see no way that my life could contain any happiness. I had no reason to live. However, now, I am walking out of the black tunnel into a beautiful meadow full of wild flowers, my favourite being the red poppy. AND THE PAIN HAS GONE... .

Have faith in the process and let yourself feel your emotions. You are strong. You will come out the other side... .

I am sending you lots of love and a big hug, allow yourself to feel the arms of a stranger who has been there too, soothing your pain and hurt. 

Love Lifewriter

[vortex of confusion]

   

Wow, this thread really touched a nerve. I can't stop crying while reading it.

I, too, have had that unbearable sadness, that yearning, that hunger for somebody to just hold me and let me cry. I am the strong one that takes care of everyone else. I can't tell you how many times I have said or thought, "I just need a safe place to fall apart." Ex didn't hold me. I spent a lot of nights/mornings crying because all I wanted was for him to hold me and be there for me. I wanted him to see me and acknowledge me. I wanted to be able to say, "Hey, I am hurting, can you spare a few minutes?" He was too busy or too tired or too caught up in his own world. Or, my show of emotions was too overwhelming for him. I couldn't be anything but happy and even keeled.

I don't know why I feel the need to share this story. I knew that I had to find a way to be done with ex after an experience that I had while we were exploring an open relationship. I went to spend time with a gentleman friend. Something he said upset me. I didn't say anything. I held back my tears and did my usual thing of keeping everything to myself and being strong. All it took was ONE question and it opened the flood gates. He didn't get upset at my answer. He didn't take it personally. He didn't say anything. He reached out and held me to his chest. I don't know how long I sat there and cried while he held me. When my sniffling and snorting died down, he quietly asked, "Are you done?" I sat up and said, "Yep, I am done." and then we went on about our day and it wasn't mentioned again.

I wasn't dismissed with "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." I wasn't asked to justify or explain my tears. I wasn't told that I was a basket case or that I was messed up. There were no words at all. I was not diminished or dismissed. I was held and I felt safe and it was glorious.

In that moment with that guy, I realized that I didn't have any memories of being held like that by my parents. I couldn't remember ex ever holding me like that. I could remember holding him and taking care of him. I couldn't ever recall a time when he let me cry and didn't turn it into some kind of big deal. Crying and sadness was not acceptable with FOO or with ex. I was always the happy one, the reliable one, the one that people went to when they were down and/or needed something.

I guess I am sharing this because I have been looking for a way to wrap my head around what I have been feeling. Your description of the unbearable sadness is so beautiful and it puts words to something that I have been struggling with for a while now.

[patientandclear]

What emerges from this thread, for me, is that the men we have been involved with wBPD are not good candidates to take care of us.  If we need taking care of -- this is just the wrong match.

All my life, like Vortex and I suspect Hurt and others posting here, I've been the strong one who had so much confidence and emotional reservoir I could share with others, and didn't need anything.  Except ... .deep, deep down, it's a different story.  At one point when I was in my early 20s, I was briefly with a guy who had been my best friend, loved me, I screwed up by not reciprocating till it was too late, etc.  Anyway, before it goes messed up beyond repair, we were together for one happy night.  Completely unbidden and without me having conscious awareness of this need, I blurted out while I was lying in his arms, "will you take care of me?"  There is some part of me that longs to be held and cared for like that.  The BPD folks we've engaged with are just super poor candidates to fill that role, and it isn't because we aren't worth being cared for.  They just are not wired to do that without feeling compromised in ways that make sense in turn in light of their own origin stories.  Pretty big mis-match of needs.

[Lifewriter16]

What emerges from this thread, for me, is that the men we have been involved with wBPD are not good candidates to take care of us.  If we need taking care of -- this is just the wrong match.

All my life, like Vortex and I suspect Hurt and others posting here, I've been the strong one who had so much confidence and emotional reservoir I could share with others, and didn't need anything.  Except ... .deep, deep down, it's a different story.  At one point when I was in my early 20s, I was briefly with a guy who had been my best friend, loved me, I screwed up by not reciprocating till it was too late, etc.  Anyway, before it goes messed up beyond repair, we were together for one happy night.  Completely unbidden and without me having conscious awareness of this need, I blurted out while I was lying in his arms, "will you take care of me?"  There is some part of me that longs to be held and cared for like that.  The BPD folks we've engaged with are just super poor candidates to fill that role, and it isn't because we aren't worth being cared for.  They just are not wired to do that without feeling compromised in ways that make sense in turn in light of their own origin stories.  Pretty big mis-match of needs.

Yes patientandclear. I know where you are coming from. I've spent my whole life being strong and not letting other people see my vulnerable side. I want nothing more than to be taken care of. I believed that when I found my husband, all the sorrow from the past would be over because I had found the man who loved me. I got engaged to a man I believed would look after me in the early 1990s. When he proposed to me, I nearly threw myself into his arms proclaiming ":)addy!" I had to stop myself from blurting out the words. I am embarrassed about that. My excuse for that urge is that I hadn't done a great deal of personal development work at that time. However, I'm still looking for ':)addy' even now.

Love Lifewriter

[Narkiss]

So much wisdom on this thread... .

Patient: No they cannot take care of us, not consistently, because they cannot take care of themselves. They live in a tornado of pain and chaos, and grasp at anything that will save them. And, even more, I think that our pain triggers theirs. Does that make sense?

[HurtinNW]

One realization I've had is I wanted my ex to "take care" of me. Not financially, but emotionally. I was hungering for a parental, nurturing partner. I definitely wanted him to fill the needs that not having loving parents left.

I think this is why I have been afraid to seek healthier partners. If I am with a healthier partner I will be expected to take care of myself. At least to some degree. A healthier partner will have boundaries for me, too. I'm afraid a healthier partner will reject me. Of course ex did too... .but I do want to feel safe and protected, and I need to unravel how that happens in a healthy relationship.

That's a big fear. Part me felt like ex and I were making a trade: we would unconditionally accept each other. That left a huge place without rules, without boundaries, where anything could (and did) happen. Most those things were not good at all.

My pain definitely triggered my ex. And his pain triggered me, and left lasting wounds.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Hurtin.

I'd hazard a guess that you've been taking care of yourself all your life so why would having to take care of yourself in a healthier relationship be any different? I understand that you think a healthier person would reject you, but aren't the unhealthy ones already doing that? Isn't it worth taking the risk of finding out if healthier is better? It may be that your needs seem less intrusive once you are with a healthier man because the triggering of core pain will tail off rather than take off. What do you think?

LW x