I honestly just want someone I can talk to about it

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I should start by saying that I love my mother more than anything. I'm an only child and my mom had me fairly late in life (after a lot of fertility problems) so we've always been very close. We still are, but it's been different for the last four or five years. I'm not sure if different is even the right word... .the good parts are still there and when they are, they really are good. But every once and a while, a flip switches. It's like, all of the sudden, to her I'm no longer her daughter who loves her and would do anything for her, I'm some "lazy brat" who she "kisses ass" for and who has "no respect" (these are all words she's used in one or more of her tantrums). I learned a while ago that there is no winning in these arguments, so I have to just keep my mouth shut. Occasionally, I'll start crying but not because she hurt my feeling (although she has said some very awful things), but because I can't seeing her like this. I try to cry in private because if she's in a really bad mood, it makes her even more angry because she thinks I'm faking or just a "crybaby".

Typically, the more extreme these outbursts are, the quicker they're "resolved" (and I use that term loosely because I feel like their never really resolved). She never really admits  to being wrong, but normally says something like "I love you" or "I'm not really mad at you". And, though it makes me frustrated, I forgive her because I know that's not her who had said those awful things. It was the BPD.

Deep down, I think she knows something is wrong. I'm pretty sure she was even officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder by her doctor (she never admitted this, but the doctor prescribed her mood stabilizers and lithium). She took the lithium for maybe 5 days tops but lied that she'd taken the pills for longer and it made her feel too sick. I hate to admit this, but I had a feeling she was lying, so I counted the pills left in her bottle, which is how I knew she hadn't taken them all.

If I bring up getting back on lithium when she's calm, she just casually brushes it off and says something like, "yeah, maybe". But if I bring it up out of desperation (or mention anything related to mental health) during a tantrum, she blows up even more, saying things like, "You all just think I'm crazy!".

I try my best to walk on eggshells, but I know my dad (and, thankfully, still her husband) has a harder time with it.

That's it for now... .it's just been a bad day on the BPD front and I needed to get this all out. Thanks for listening/reading/etc.

[AustinMIA]

I should start by saying that I love my mother more than anything. I'm an only child and my mom had me fairly late in life (after a lot of fertility problems) so we've always been very close. We still are, but it's been different for the last four or five years. I'm not sure if different is even the right word... .the good parts are still there and when they are, they really are good. But every once and a while, a flip switches. It's like, all of the sudden, to her I'm no longer her daughter who loves her and would do anything for her, I'm some "lazy brat" who she "kisses ass" for and who has "no respect" (these are all words she's used in one or more of her tantrums). I learned a while ago that there is no winning in these arguments, so I have to just keep my mouth shut. Occasionally, I'll start crying but not because she hurt my feeling (although she has said some very awful things), but because I can't seeing her like this. I try to cry in private because if she's in a really bad mood, it makes her even more angry because she thinks I'm faking or just a "crybaby".

Typically, the more extreme these outbursts are, the quicker they're "resolved" (and I use that term loosely because I feel like their never really resolved). She never really admits  to being wrong, but normally says something like "I love you" or "I'm not really mad at you". And, though it makes me frustrated, I forgive her because I know that's not her who had said those awful things. It was the BPD.

Deep down, I think she knows something is wrong. I'm pretty sure she was even officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder by her doctor (she never admitted this, but the doctor prescribed her mood stabilizers and lithium). She took the lithium for maybe 5 days tops but lied that she'd taken the pills for longer and it made her feel too sick. I hate to admit this, but I had a feeling she was lying, so I counted the pills left in her bottle, which is how I knew she hadn't taken them all.

If I bring up getting back on lithium when she's calm, she just casually brushes it off and says something like, "yeah, maybe". But if I bring it up out of desperation (or mention anything related to mental health) during a tantrum, she blows up even more, saying things like, "You all just think I'm crazy!".

I try my best to walk on eggshells, but I know my dad (and, thankfully, still her husband) has a harder time with it.

That's it for now... .it's just been a bad day on the BPD front and I needed to get this all out. Thanks for listening/reading/etc.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome to our family AustinMIA  It's nice to have you join us. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. I'm very sorry for the pain you are going through. Being raised by a pwBPD is very difficult. Not many people understand, but we do our best to encourage you here.

I think you'll find a lot of fellow travelers here at this site. We are each struggling, growing, and looking for listening ears. Please feel free to continue telling us more of your story.

Does your dad have any idea that your mom may be BPD? What type of things are you able to do to help you survive her BPD rages?


Wools

[Rock Chick]

Welcome AustinMIA  ! This is a great place to post on and share things! If you ever wanna chat feel free to send me a PM on here I check my PMs from time to time! 

[Amelia]

Welcome! I'm also a new member but so far this group has been very kind, encouraging and supportive. There are some fabulous resources here. 

[Pilpel]

Hi Austin,

I understand the desire to have someone to talk to about it.  My uBPD SIL accuses people of talking about her behind her back.  She's very sensitive about that.  But I've asserted that when I'm dealing with someone  who doesn't share the same reality as me, I need to talk to someone about it who does share my reality.  Maybe because I'm wired toward self-doubt.  

I was wondering if you've read Stop Walking on Eggshells?  The book describes a way of de-escalating the tantrums by just repeating back with the pwBPD is saying.  So if you're mom starts to rage at you, you just calmly repeat back what she's saying.  "So what I'm hearing is that you think I'm a lazy brat and that I have no respect for you."  Be very calm about it.  

I find it really difficult to jump into that mode of just reflecting back.  My instinct is to try to keep the peace, and try to appease her in some way.  But when my BPD sis is emotionally wound up, appeasement seems to just make her more furious.  There is nothing right we can do.  In my experience, repeating back what she says has been the only thing that grounds her and de-escalates her rage and blame.  

[AustinMIA]

Does your dad have any idea that your mom may be BPD? What type of things are you able to do to help you survive her BPD rages?

He definitely knows something is wrong, and I've BPD to him before but I don't think he entirely understands. I'm a psychology major (I commute from home to college because of medical/mobility issues that I have) and I've studied personality disorders so I think I have a little bit of a better grasp on it than he does.

P.S. I swear I'm not trying to sound like one of those college students who took one psych class and then think they know everything    but I do know a little!

[Woolspinner2000]

AustinMIA,

It is good that you have a sense of humor to help you through this! 

I swear I'm not trying to sound like one of those college students who took one psych class and then think they know everything    but I do know a little!

It usually takes time and an openness to understand before any one of us is able to admit that someone we love and care for has more than "something wrong" with them. I always knew my uBPDm had something wrong too, and it took a long time to finally find out about BPD (which incidentally was in a college pathology class!). I was scared at first to share with my dad that his ex, my mom, had BPD. It took some time, but after a bit of talking with him about some of the issues and the things I remembered from our FOO, the door kept opening wider, and I finally was able to give him a book to read about BPD.

Understanding and knowledge can help you tremendously as you learn more about BPD. Perhaps when the time is right he will be open to hear what you may say. What do you need to hear from your dad?

Wools