I wish I could just forget it all

[Hopeful83]

Hi all,

I wish I were here to say that I'm over the whole ordeal, but alas, despite the fact I'm approaching the one year mark it seems that I can still easily slip back into a horrible, dark mess. I thought I had seen the end of the tunnel - I was starting to see the whole story for what it truly is (long story short: I strongly suspect my 'solid' relationship of three years that was heading for marriage fell apart within a matter of weeks because of a) his BPD traits and b) his family not wanting him to marry someone outside of their religion, culture and race). I was finally seeing through the facade and the lies (he was engaged to someone within weeks of us breaking up, and they tried to sell it to me as 'real love' - I now believe it was an arranged marriage). I believe he has BPD traits because I cannot quite believe anyone who's fully healthy can just block out how they feel about someone at the drop of a hat, but then again, who knows - I've given up trying to understand people. Most the time, people just don't make sense. 

I don't know why I've spiralled again. I guess it's because my life is still not back to the way I want it to be. I still haven't found a new job. I'm staying with family. It's just not ideal, none of it. I've meditated, had therapy, tried to stay positive every single day. I've practised gratitude, tried to look for the good in people, and I've really put the work in. But I now find myself at the 'what's the frigging point?' stage - it's like all the hard work I've put in doesn't really matter. I don't feel much better. I still have days that I'm so full of anxiety it's hard to function properly. I've lost all the joy I had for so many things. It's just exhausting trying to stay above water. I'm a strong person, but I'm exhausted - I've ever felt so low in my entire life.

I truly believed I had found 'the one' and that my life made sense for once. But now that the rug has been pulled out from underneath me, I just don't know what to think anymore.

However, I do know in my heart he isn't doing well - people who have seen photos of him have all said the same thing, that he looks dead in the eyes, that he looks like he's on death row, that he looks like he'd rather be anywhere but in the photo with his fiancee. This doesn't sound like someone who's found the love of his life - I *know* he never looked like that in photos with me. I also know it's not like they've 'won' or anything (who wants to be in a marriage of convenience - not me), but it doesn't really matter - our relationship is over, and I feel like absolutely rubbish.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. I guess I just needed to vent and say I'm not coping well. Still. I've stopped talking to friends and family about this because I just feel like they won't understand why I still feel this way. Even I don't really understand it, so how can I expect them to?

Just ugh. Honestly, kudos to everyone going through this right now - it's the most horrible experience and I just wish I could fully get past it.  :'(

[WoundedBibi]

I've read somewhere it takes on average 2 years to get over a BPD relationship. So you're halfway there already if that is true!

I know it isn't easy but why bother? Because you're here. Because this is the only life you have and after you've wrestled your way through this BPD ordeal there will be better times and better people. That's why.

[once removed]

I've given up trying to understand people. Most the time, people just don't make sense. 

... .

I've stopped talking to friends and family about this because I just feel like they won't understand why I still feel this way.

im wondering if some new, bright faces in your life might make a difference here. are you connecting with others? i know how hard it can be to do so when you feel like this  .

[Hopeful83]

im wondering if some new, bright faces in your life might make a difference here. are you connecting with others? i know how hard it can be to do so when you feel like this  .

 once removed

Thank you   I just really believed I'd be past this by now. The fact that I'm not, combined with everything else, is just making things feel unbearable at the moment. I thought I was past these crushing lows.

To be honest, I don't go out much. I know you're probably right - that new, bright faces might make a difference, but it's an effort even to see friends right now, never mind meet new people. I'm a bit introverted at the best of times... .

[Hopeful83]

I've read somewhere it takes on average 2 years to get over a BPD relationship. So you're halfway there already if that is true!

I know it isn't easy but why bother? Because you're here. Because this is the only life you have and after you've wrestled your way through this BPD ordeal there will be better times and better people. That's why.

Two years? Sigh.

I know you're right, I just cannot see it right now, you know? I'm hoping it's a temporary setback, but I've been feeling this way for more than a month now. Feels like more than just a phase.

[cherryblossom]

Me too 

[Herodias]

I totally understand. I have known my stbx for 10 years... .separated one year. Except for the getting back together last summer. It confuses things when you get involved even a few times in the middle of a separation. One minute I am going along fine and the next I am a mess. Felt that way this weekend... .I keep getting sucked back by thinking the whole "soulmate" thing. Weird, the next person thinks that too. Only she thinks he completes her in every way possible. I am glad I didn't feel that way. We have to remember it is what they desire that we feel. I keep telling me he is just one big con artist. We need to know we are complete people without someone. I don't believe there is one true soulmate for us. Some peoples spouse die and they are left alone that way... .The sermon I am watching this morning says we all need friends and companions. None of us want to be lonely. It talks about how Jesus' friends left everything to be with him and devoted themselves to him... .when he told them he would be leaving them soon, they started feeling he was abandoning them. He says we have a constant companion in God... .Interesting this has come up this morning after I had a falling out with a girlfriend too. I don't mean to preach - I am just learning this for myself. I just thought I would pass it on if it helps. He says no one else can promise to be a constant companion. This is true... .some people are with us for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I guess these people were just there for a season. We are to learn lessons from them. I do feel like a changed person. We don't get a second chance to go back and do things differently. We can only start to do things differently from now on. As much as we wanted them to do the right thing and behave differently,  we need to do this for ourselves. We need to feel we are being prepared for better things. We are not supposed to feel so alone. We are supposed to open our eyes to new things. When we feel lonely- know that feeling is not from God. That is an interesting thought!

[Hadlee]

I'm sorry you are going through this   I understand those dark days - they are truly soul crushing.  I'm 18 months out and it's only been the last few months that I have noticed a real improvement in the way I'm feeling.  I feel like my old self again.

I dealt with the end of my relationship with my BPD partner then a BPD friend months later, so it was a double whammy... .lucky me

Looking back, I believe the turning point for me was when I stopped talking about it to friends and family, and decided to just focus on me and living my life.  Not talking about what happened over and over again was the key for me in detaching and moving forward.  I didn't realize how talking about it ALL THE TIME kept me stuck.

Another thing I believe kept me stuck was the compassion I had for both pwBPD even though they hurt me terribly.  I would get caught up in their web once again due to the compassion I had for them.  I understand BPD coping mechanisms and know they do what they do to survive and protect themselves from pain, but at this particular point in time I view them both as awful people.  And the funny thing: this view has helped me SO MUCH MORE to let go and move forward.

I hope you find peace soon because you deserve it

[once removed]

im wondering if some new, bright faces in your life might make a difference here. are you connecting with others? i know how hard it can be to do so when you feel like this  .

 once removed

Thank you   I just really believed I'd be past this by now. The fact that I'm not, combined with everything else, is just making things feel unbearable at the moment. I thought I was past these crushing lows.

To be honest, I don't go out much. I know you're probably right - that new, bright faces might make a difference, but it's an effort even to see friends right now, never mind meet new people. I'm a bit introverted at the best of times... .

i get it . im pretty introverted myself, and introverts prefer to connect with, well, the select few they can connect with. which can be even more difficult when youre feeling this way. i do think even baby steps in this direction could go a long way. its a lonely feeling, feeling like we are on the outside looking in. new people = new memories and that tends to generate feelings of normalcy.

it also sounds like youre not feeling heard or understood in the midst of your grief by those close to you. that feeds feelings of isolation. please dont forget that you can always connect with us here; we do understand what youre going through.

[cherryblossom]

To hear it takes 2 years is too much to bear... .im now 36 hav no children im basically doomed then 

[WoundedBibi]

To hear it takes 2 years is too much to bear... .im now 36 hav no children im basically doomed then 

That's what I read. And most people that post here are here for quite some time.

So you would be 38. Still young enough to have children if that is your aim.

And if as woman you're doomed if you have no children before you're too old because you keep ending up with the wrong guy (me) shall I go and top myself then? I'm struggling with coming to terms with it myself but the fact I have not got kids can't mean my life has got no meaning and never will...

[cherryblossom]

Wb, im just in a state atm , ofcourse it would hav meaning, im just so confused i never cared about kids before for about a year b4 im met exBPD it was something i felt ready for and wanted - he led me up the xxxx garden path and here i am now not really feeling like i care if i have them or not now but knowing i did hav a strong urge and feeli g the pressure of time ... .i accept im invictim mode atm - i never stay there long tho - sorry if my words offended you - u always have great wise and comforting things to say to me   

[Hopeful83]

Me too 

Thanks for the hug 

[Hopeful83]

The sermon I am watching this morning says we all need friends and companions. None of us want to be lonely. It talks about how Jesus' friends left everything to be with him and devoted themselves to him... .when he told them he would be leaving them soon, they started feeling he was abandoning them. He says we have a constant companion in God... .Interesting this has come up this morning after I had a falling out with a girlfriend too. I don't mean to preach - I am just learning this for myself. I just thought I would pass it on if it helps. He says no one else can promise to be a constant companion. This is true... .

You know, I'm not religious (I would describe myself as spiritual, though), but your words ring true. We don't know how long people will be in our lives for - things can change in an instant, and I totally understand this. I'm just finding it so hard to get to grips with it all. And it's funny - even though I don't envy his relationship with her, I do envy the fact he has companionship, which makes zero sense. They may not even stand the sight of each other, and here I am wishing I also had someone around. Ridiculous, especially when I never cared about being single before.

Thank you for sharing 

[Hopeful83]

Looking back, I believe the turning point for me was when I stopped talking about it to friends and family, and decided to just focus on me and living my life.  Not talking about what happened over and over again was the key for me in detaching and moving forward.  I didn't realize how talking about it ALL THE TIME kept me stuck.

Another thing I believe kept me stuck was the compassion I had for both pwBPD even though they hurt me terribly.  I would get caught up in their web once again due to the compassion I had for them.  I understand BPD coping mechanisms and know they do what they do to survive and protect themselves from pain, but at this particular point in time I view them both as awful people.  And the funny thing: this view has helped me SO MUCH MORE to let go and move forward.

I hope you find peace soon because you deserve it

Thank you 

Yeah I used to talk about it quite a lot but not so much of late. I do definitely still have compassion for him and the situation he's found yourself, and I'm wondering if this viewpoint is more damaging than helpful. Maybe I need to take a more neutral stance, but it's so hard - I go from "I HATE YOU" to "I feel bad for you" with little to nothing in between.

[Hopeful83]

i get it . im pretty introverted myself, and introverts prefer to connect with, well, the select few they can connect with. which can be even more difficult when youre feeling this way. i do think even baby steps in this direction could go a long way. its a lonely feeling, feeling like we are on the outside looking in. new people = new memories and that tends to generate feelings of normalcy.

it also sounds like youre not feeling heard or understood in the midst of your grief by those close to you. that feeds feelings of isolation. please dont forget that you can always connect with us here; we do understand what youre going through.

Thank you for the suggestion - I'll definitely bear it in mind, as I really need to try something. I was doing so well (or so I thought) so it's quite crushing for me to be back here. It feels like I'm going through a never-ending cycle of grief (denial, sadness, anger etc) and I'm wondering what will shake me out of it for good.

You're right - I am not feeling heard/understood at the moment. I don't judge those around me for not quite getting it - most people haven't been through such a strange, unexpected and sudden breakup before. But because I feel I should be over it by now, I don't talk about it with anyone anymore apart from my therapist, and it can feel incredibly isolating.

I've always found this board very helpful, and it's so nice to know there are so many caring people here for when we need to get these things off our chest.

[Hopeful83]

Wb, im just in a state atm , ofcourse it would hav meaning, im just so confused i never cared about kids before for about a year b4 im met exBPD it was something i felt ready for and wanted - he led me up the xxxx garden path and here i am now not really feeling like i care if i have them or not now but knowing i did hav a strong urge and feeli g the pressure of time ... .i accept im invictim mode atm - i never stay there long tho - sorry if my words offended you - u always have great wise and comforting things to say to me   

Cherryblossom - it feels like you've taken the words out of my mouth. I also didn't think I wanted kids until I met my ex. But because I felt I had finally found someone whom I could trust, I finally opened up to the idea of having a family, getting married etc. And like you I am in my 30s and now wondering if it will ever happen for me. It certainly adds to the sting of the whole experience.

[Hadlee]

Maybe I need to take a more neutral stance, but it's so hard - I go from "I HATE YOU" to "I feel bad for you" with little to nothing in between.

I was exactly the same.  What used to get me in the "I feel bad for you" phase was when I was reading stories from pwBPD.  Those stories pulled at my heart strings.  I could relate with a lot of what they were saying as I had seen the behavior within both pwBPD.  I'm no longer reading stories or researching BPD, and it's helping.

Perhaps I've FINALLY reached indifference as I don't feel hate for them.  When a thought about them pops in my head I just say to myself, "Ugh awful person/people" then think of something else. 

As long as I don't hear from either of them then I will remain happy