Sister & Guilt

[sisbpd]

Hi everyone,

This community has been very helpful to me. I lurked for a bit, and it is nice to "meet" so many people here who have similar concerns. I find that in my daily life very few people can put themselves in my shoes.

My sister has a severe form of BPD possibly with narcissistic traits. She has been in-patient hospitalized over 18 times. She has been in IOPs even more than that. She has been an addict many times over- heroin, cocaine, alcohol. She has experimented with illegal drugs- acid, ecstasy. She has used eating disorder symptoms- bullemia and restriction. She has abused thyroid medication to lose weight. She has been self-injuring since the age of 12. My sister got arrested for selling marijuana out of her apartment and only missed jail time because the kid selling it with her was beaten so badly by a dealer that he couldn't appear in court and she got his PTI. She has been able to expunge her record for years but has never saved up the money or dealt with it, rendering her basically unable to get work.

On top of this, she claims to have fibromyalgia among other problems. She is on Lyrica (highly addictive and can cause psychiatric problems), an antipsychotic, antidepressants, and other drugs. She is on so much medication and pain medication right now, that with just one extra pill she can OD. My sister OD'd a year or two back after getting kicked out of another in-patient hospitalization early. She was in the ICU, intubated. She survived it, but it was horrifying.

Last week, she OD'd again. This time she just stayed overnight-- no ICU. Her doctor is going to try to streamline her medication, but she seems to get her hands on things even when it isn't legal. Last week when this happened, I relived the whole experience from the time before. She was in complete denial then and is now that she OD'd. She won't take responsibility for it and will not try to prevent it. She is incoherent most of the time.

My sister lives with my parents. Mainly, I think she lives there because they are afraid she will become homeless again. As I mentioned earlier, she is on disabiilty but can't work. She smokes pot there even though they don't approve. She ruins their things in their bathroom, doesn't clean her bedroom, and walks around high or on too much medication, incoherent most of the time. They feel emotionally trapped into keeping her there because she refuses to live by the rules of any organization that will offer her housing, and they know it's their house or almost certain homelessness. She was a stripper the last time she was homeless and they blame themselves.

I live in constant fear of her OD'ing or my parents getting into trouble for her drug use at their house. I am in constant fear of some harm coming to someone. It is so bad that I avoid going there and often sit up thinking about it at night. I am afraid to start my own family because of how severe this experience has been. To make things worse, my mom either has mild BPD or bipolar and my Dad is there, being abused on both ends. Yes, I know he can leave, but he has a strong sense of obligation and considers my sister handicapped.

[Woolspinner2000]

SisBPD, welcome to our online family 

This community has been very helpful to me. I lurked for a bit, and it is nice to "meet" so many people here who have similar concerns. I find that in my daily life very few people can put themselves in my shoes.

I'm glad to hear that you are already being helped here. There are good listening ears and a lot of helpful information here to help you. Have you taken a look at the Lessons portion on the right? ----> Perhaps there may be something helpful there for you.

I am very sorry for the extremely painful issues that have brought you here though. Those are super tough! How sad you must feel to watch the destruction of your sister's life, and now combining that with her having moved in with your parents. The FOG are strong for them I'm sure. Have you read about FOG? I have a link for you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

What are you doing to help yourself through this very difficult time? Having a sister with BPD affects you dramatically too. How long has she had this disorder?


Wools

[sisbpd]

Thanks for your reply.

I had been in therapy for a while, but then I have been in grad school and my schedule didn't allow for me to meet with her. Over the wekeend, I reached out to a family therapist at the local mental health association. I am lucky not to be living under the same roof as the chaos, so I would say that is the biggest change I made almost 6 years ago when I got married that has improved my quality of life. When I am done with grad school (for the time being) next week, I plan to try to pick up a hobby as well (tbd) that will hopefully be a nice channel for stress relief. Possibly yoga? Maybe some crafting.

I definitely need to check out your links. I think mostly I am looking for ways to cope when she is completely off the rails, which is pretty frequent. I constantly feel guilty about my lack of a relationship with my sister, even though I know I can't have what most would construe to be a 'typical' relationship.I also struggle with trying to get close to her, because she will do terrible things every 6 months to a year that make it hard to continue building that relationship. Last year, she set up a Go FUnd Me page to raise money for medical expenses. While my parents were aware and on-board with her raising money to cover some of her costs, they were shocked to learn that she was falsifying some information on the site.

For example she said they were losing their house, which was not true. At times, my parents would say to her that they could not continue funding medical bills for her because they had too many expenses themselves, but they were not in the process of losing their house. Knowing my parents, at times they may have said they couldn't keep paying for things or they might have financial trouble/ trouble paying their mortgage, but she gave the impression they were currently losing their house.

Next, she included illnesses on the page that she doesn't have. For example, I believe she listed rheumatoid arthritis. There is no way in the world she has that. I can tell you she has never been to a rheumatologist. She also listed fibromyalgia which is really unlikely, as she is in her 20s, and underweight. It is more likely that she wants pain medications. There are several other conditions she listed there that I know she didn't have.

My cousin e-mailed me the post as she hid it from my family on fb after a few minutes because she knew we would make her change it. I ended up contemplating the situation and contacting Go Fund Me to tell them she had falsified information. I also contacted my parents who were initially mad at me, but then after I shared her lies were totally stunned that she had posted completely false information. She ended up putting the profile back up with the correct information, not embellishing so much. I realize a lot of people do this, and will tell you she has had me on a 'limited facebook profile' ever since. She does not want me to see her posts.

Anyway, the guilt eats away at me when she overdoses. Every time, I say, I am going to fix our relationship. Then, I start trying and she does something like falsify a Go Fund Me. I could go on and on, but I am not going to. There are many examples of her going off the rails, stealing, cheating, and lying. I guess I am wondering 2 things:

-How do you maintain a relationship with someone like this?

-How do you cope when they overdose? The first time I was beside myself and could hardly get up out of bed. More recently, I verified that she would be ok, and then went about my routines. I didn't go to the hospital this time because I was unable to. Last time, she was in complete denial, and she herself will tell you she is not an addict.

[Naughty Nibbler]

So sorry about the situation with your sister.  My sister is the one who is uBPD, but her children are dysfunctional and have a lot of issues as well.   My niece takes multiple psychiatric meds.  Along with Zanax, she takes a high dose of one of the antidepressents (and other meds).   I found it interesting when you mentioned  fibromyalgia in regard to your sister.  My niece says she has  fibromyalgia and PTSD. 

I read something yesterday that says some psychiatric meds can cause side effects similar to  fibromyalgia.  It made me wonder about whether a med or combo might be the cause of what my niece believes is fibromyalgia. My niece has also, developed an auditory tic., after taking some of her meds for a period of time.  Sometimes, I wonder if a few of her issues relate to side effects from meds (especially at high doses).  I know it can be a challenge to get the right meds or combo of meds to deal with psychiatric issues.   

Good to hear that you will have some free time to do something for yourself.  Yoga is a great idea.  If you haven't tried some meditation, that can help with stress reduction.  I found some great free resources for guided meditations on YouTube. (just go to YouTube and do a search for guided meditation) It can take a little time to search and find one you like, but I've found a few guided meditations suited for me (individual preference for voice, accent, type of imagery).  I, also, found a little online tool to download the meditations onto my computer and then onto other devices, like my Ipad, so I can use the guided meditation without an Internet connection.

Getting out somewhere for a scenic walk, can reduce stress.  I usually take a dog and a camera with me.  If I can't take the dog, I take the camera.  We all have different scenic areas, depending on where we live.  I frequent a large park about 5 miles away from my home and have recently started walking in a wetlands area (can't bring dog there, so just a camera).

Though I'd share the comment on Fibro.  and hope you find a great hobby and/or relaxing activities.