Memories, triggers, and boundaries

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Everyone!

I apologize for the length of this post in advance.

I know I'm not alone when I say that I have so many holes in my memory. I'm sure it is due to the trauma of our childhoods, and the need to survive which caused us to blank out certain parts.

This week however, a couple of those darn emotional triggers for me, and this time related to physical abuse. I'm working through them, but it stinks. These relate to my current life which is so strongly influenced by my FOO. Let's start with the first episode, both of them involve DH.

One morning DH began telling me that the reason physical touch is a love language for him is because his dad would rub his back at night and chat with him. It's a happy, positive memory for him. I shared how I only have negative physical touch memories from my childhood. I was shocked when he said, "That's where 1 John 1:9 comes in, 'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins.'" What?   I said that I didn't sin in when my parents abused me (see step 5 of the Survivors Guide)! His response, "We have a different definition of sin then." Later he said this is how we love one another, through the differences. Under my breath I am saying this has nothing to do with love! 

I struggled throughout the day with the mental fog that comes along with emotional triggers. Although I know for a fact I was not responsible for the choices my parents made to abuse me, nonetheless, there was still an emotional affect for me from his words. I took time that night to see what my inner children were feeling, and it was that forever feeling of "I'm wrong, and it's my fault that they hit me." I had to take time to tell them that it wasn't their fault at all and work on loving and comforting them.

Two days later, we went out for supper. I reached to open the door, and he slapped my hand. I was quite surprised and felt rather shamed. He 'jokingly' told me to not do that.   The next day we were out together, and I waited for him to get the door, but again he slapped my hand and said to not even think about it. Well by now, I was very bothered and upset at his treatment. And those feelings from long ago began to emerge. I decided I had to say something because it was wrong. It wasn't a hard slap, but I won't try and justify it by any means.

I was pretty calm when I approached him, and I told him that it would be much better if he handled the door opening positively and said something like, "I'd like to get the door for you" instead of slapping my hand. I told him I felt like a child when he did that, and that he treated me disrespectfully. The look on his face was very unhappy, and it was just like my uBPDm's face when she was disapproving and angry. He didn't apologize, and I kept the conversation short and left the room.

I needed to get farther than one room away though, and I realized two things: I felt an extreme sense of shame, and I was physically shaking and needed to get away from him. As I reflected on what had happened, this was a first for me, to stand up against inappropriate physical treatment, and my inner tendency was to react exactly as I had as a child. I felt the need to run and hide, knowing my uBPDm would pursue me and I'd be punished for speaking, so no wonder I was physically shaking. The good news is that I'm an adult now, and not that little child. DH hasn't said anything more about it at all. This physical behavior was unusual, but his treatment of me was not unusual (so much for choosing a spouse much like my uBPDm). Thank goodness for the growth which is helping me to deal with him. This ended up being very enlightening to me, experiencing such feelings which basically yelled at me, letting me know how often I had been there before. Opportunities to accept the feelings and work through them.

So I worked on boundaries, and also on connecting with my inner ones, and treating myself with respect and value. It was a big week.

Wools

[busybee1116]

Good job, Wools. I'm sorry your husband doesn't understand your need for respectful touch or that you were somehow deserving of abuse as a child (and using scripture to justify). Boundary setting is so hard, but you're doing it! Protecting you now and your little Woolspinners. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Wools:

So sorry about your past.  I can see how the hand slapping situation would bother you. 

Your post and the bible verse referenced, touched on a hot spot with me right now - processing anger and hatred and working on forgiveness. 

Your post prompted me to find this interesting article on "What Forgiveness Isn't".  I haven't read the complete article yet, but I will.  Thought I'd share it, in case you might want to read it as well.  There are 4 pages to the article.  The page forward buttons were positioned such, that I almost missed them.

www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2006/july/14.38.html?start=1

[Forever to Roam]

I'm sorry your husband is treating you like that, but good for you for holding onto the fact that you did not deserve the abuse. No child is culpable in abuse enacted against them. It is not a sin to be a victim of abuse. I thought I remembered a scripture in the New Testament to this effect, but all I can find is from the Book of Mormon, so I don't know if that would work for you.

Not the scripture I was looking for, but I feel still relevant, John 8:7 "He lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." Even if you had sinned (which you did not by simply being born into an abusive family), he has no right to judge you for it. (I have to wonder, then, what is his definition of sin?)

Also, even just hand slapping is so not OK. Again, good for you for approaching the situation calmly, even if you were upset and ended up shaking - that's true courage, when you have been discouraged from ever expressing yourself from childhood. (I still have trouble with that - I tend to bury my own needs entirely until they blow up).

Also, also, he shouldn't need a scriptural reference to behave like a decent human being.

Also, also, also, I hope I haven't just stuck my foot in it as far as your relationship with your husband.

So I worked on boundaries, and also on connecting with my inner ones, and treating myself with respect and value. It was a big week.

Good job!

[unicorn2014]

Wow Wools, that is tough!   I'm glad you are working on and through things, it is encouraging to me to read about your progress.

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you each for your replies!    It really means so much to not feel totally alone, no matter the situation we share about here. How interesting that we each feel the bite of the scriptural 'view' and sadly how often it is so wrongly used and thus hurts us deeply. God is the ultimate form of love but sadly so many are turned off by the very wrong and ungodly example of that same love. I am thankful to see much beyond the unhealthy expression of this, but it hasn't been without struggle.  To have to learn what is true and get rid of the false representations takes a lot of work. Then the setting up of boundaries too must come into the picture.

I think for me one of the hard things I battle to overcome is when those least expected barbs or arrows come through my boundaries and catch me unexpected. I can be doing just fine, feel like I'm maintaining healthy boundaries, and then a real zinger comes in, like I illustrated in my first post. Maybe I just have to kick it back out. 

I was speaking about this with a friend of mine, and she said that this is the tough part of having a pwBPD, that it has taught us that we never know when the other shoe will drop, also known as the inconsistency of a BPD (or in my case a DH who is much like my uBPDm).


Wools