4 month break-up

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

A week or so ago my ex once again played push/pull with my emotions. He called and after the 6th consecutive ring I picked up. Basically, he said he loved and cared for me, wanted to be there for me (my mum is seriously ill), apologised for some things, and for the first time ever validated some of my concerns. My walls came tumbling down so when he asked me what I wanted I said that I’d be prepared to talk with the aim of resolving our issues so we could be together. Big, sad, mistake.

He back-tracked big time said that although he’d love me forever it couldn’t work between us. I didn’t hang around for any more. I’ve been here before, hook, line and sinker. I just slammed the phone down. I sobbed for an hour and then got angry. Sent him a message that I’d been advised that he would do something like this (true). That my good friend, (a psychologist he is irrationally jealous of), and potential new boyfriend (not true) had warned me he’d do this as his narcissism would compel him to reject me just as I had him. I said his behaviour was nothing short of evil given my mum’s illness and that he most definitely had BPD. I wanted him to hurt like I was and it seemed to work as it triggered him big time especially the part about potentially having a new boyfriend. Several confusing, nasty emails later, including one to my friend, he said he was finally done.

I felt a mixture of desperate sadness, helplessness that I let him hurt me again,  guilt for having hurt him, but part of me felt that maybe, finally I could start to heal.

However, now I've made another mistake that has me questioning my own sanity and wondering if it is me whose is the crazy one.

My mother had surgery 4 days ago and I was terrified that something would go wrong during the operation. She is high risk. Whilst waiting, my thoughts kept turning to my ex and I felt in desperate need of him. I sent a text to several people saying my mum was now out of recovery and headed back to her room and ‘accidentally’ sent him it too. He immediately responded asking how she was. He didn’t know she was having surgery. I replied that she was ok, but I was worried as she is very frail. I apologised for inadvertently copying him and said “sorry I made a mistake” to which he replied, ‘yes you most certainly did. Wish your mum all the best, hang in there, say hi to the family’.

Two hours later he asked how she and I were doing and the same again 3 hours later. I didn't respond. I felt desolate really. I didn’t really know what I was expecting. Him to come and hold me I think. He sent another text at 5am the following morning asking how she was. Feeling guilty I responded that she’s was ok, but we’d know more later in the morning. He said he was very pleased and to let him know.

Not really having worked out wth I was trying to do I sent him an update later that evening saying that everything was great (it was the operation was successful), I apologised once again for the error, said I’d delete his number so it wouldn’t happen again. He replied that he was very, very pleased. To which I responded “Thanks. Hope you are as happy as I am right now. Have a wonderlife life. I really mean it”.  I was so happy at the time because my mum looked amazingly well after her ordeal and this might give her a good chance.

Now I’m left with it. What did I do and what for? I am desperately missing a person who sadistically plays games with me, who has taken away so much of my life. I don’t understand. I feel humiliated because he most likely knows my text wasn’t a mistake. Why do I miss him so much? Am I crazy too?

[Larmoyant]

A week or so ago my ex once again played push/pull with my emotions. He called and after the 6th consecutive ring I picked up. Basically, he said he loved and cared for me, wanted to be there for me (my mum is seriously ill), apologised for some things, and for the first time ever validated some of my concerns. My walls came tumbling down so when he asked me what I wanted I said that I’d be prepared to talk with the aim of resolving our issues so we could be together. Big, sad, mistake.

He back-tracked big time said that although he’d love me forever it couldn’t work between us. I didn’t hang around for any more. I’ve been here before, hook, line and sinker. I just slammed the phone down. I sobbed for an hour and then got angry. Sent him a message that I’d been advised that he would do something like this (true). That my good friend, (a psychologist he is irrationally jealous of), and potential new boyfriend (not true) had warned me he’d do this as his narcissism would compel him to reject me just as I had him. I said his behaviour was nothing short of evil given my mum’s illness and that he most definitely had BPD. I wanted him to hurt like I was and it seemed to work as it triggered him big time especially the part about potentially having a new boyfriend. Several confusing, nasty emails later, including one to my friend, he said he was finally done.

I felt a mixture of desperate sadness, helplessness that I let him hurt me again,  guilt for having hurt him, but part of me felt that maybe, finally I could start to heal.

However, now I've made another mistake that has me questioning my own sanity and wondering if it is me whose is the crazy one.

My mother had surgery 4 days ago and I was terrified that something would go wrong during the operation. She is high risk. Whilst waiting, my thoughts kept turning to my ex and I felt in desperate need of him. I sent a text to several people saying my mum was now out of recovery and headed back to her room and ‘accidentally’ sent him it too. He immediately responded asking how she was. He didn’t know she was having surgery. I replied that she was ok, but I was worried as she is very frail. I apologised for inadvertently copying him and said “sorry I made a mistake” to which he replied, ‘yes you most certainly did. Wish your mum all the best, hang in there, say hi to the family’.

Two hours later he asked how she and I were doing and the same again 3 hours later. I didn't respond. I felt desolate really. I didn’t really know what I was expecting. Him to come and hold me I think. He sent another text at 5am the following morning asking how she was. Feeling guilty I responded that she’s was ok, but we’d know more later in the morning. He said he was very pleased and to let him know.

Not really having worked out wth I was trying to do I sent him an update later that evening saying that everything was great (it was the operation was successful), I apologised once again for the error, said I’d delete his number so it wouldn’t happen again. He replied that he was very, very pleased. To which I responded “Thanks. Hope you are as happy as I am right now. Have a wonderlife life. I really mean it”.  I was so happy at the time because my mum looked amazingly well after her ordeal and this might give her a good chance.

Now I’m left with it. What did I do and what for? I am desperately missing a person who sadistically plays games with me, who has taken away so much of my life. I don’t understand. I feel humiliated because he most likely knows my text wasn’t a mistake. Why do I miss him so much? Am I crazy too?

[Hadlee]

Hi Larnayant

Firstly, I'm glad your mum's operation went well

Now to crazy... .no, you are not crazy!  I've been where you are plenty of times.  I swear some entity took hold of my body and soul and turned me into a crazy person - someone I didn't recognize.  But no, that wasn't the case, it was due to being under the BPD spell.  Being so close to a pwBPD tends to turn us upside down and inside out.  In my case, the pwBPD brought out the very worst in me.  I guess it's a snapshot of how they feel on a regular basis.  Sad, very sad.

Things will get better.  It's clique, but it just takes time.

Hang in there

[Ahoy]

A week or so ago my ex once again played push/pull with my emotions. He called and after the 6th consecutive ring I picked up. Basically, he said he loved and cared for me, wanted to be there for me (my mum is seriously ill), apologised for some things, and for the first time ever validated some of my concerns. My walls came tumbling down so when he asked me what I wanted I said that I’d be prepared to talk with the aim of resolving our issues so we could be together. Big, sad, mistake.

He back-tracked big time said that although he’d love me forever it couldn’t work between us. I didn’t hang around for any more. I’ve been here before, hook, line and sinker. I just slammed the phone down. I sobbed for an hour and then got angry. Sent him a message that I’d been advised that he would do something like this (true). That my good friend, (a psychologist he is irrationally jealous of), and potential new boyfriend (not true) had warned me he’d do this as his narcissism would compel him to reject me just as I had him. I said his behaviour was nothing short of evil given my mum’s illness and that he most definitely had BPD. I wanted him to hurt like I was and it seemed to work as it triggered him big time especially the part about potentially having a new boyfriend. Several confusing, nasty emails later, including one to my friend, he said he was finally done.

I felt a mixture of desperate sadness, helplessness that I let him hurt me again,  guilt for having hurt him, but part of me felt that maybe, finally I could start to heal.

However, now I've made another mistake that has me questioning my own sanity and wondering if it is me whose is the crazy one.

My mother had surgery 4 days ago and I was terrified that something would go wrong during the operation. She is high risk. Whilst waiting, my thoughts kept turning to my ex and I felt in desperate need of him. I sent a text to several people saying my mum was now out of recovery and headed back to her room and ‘accidentally’ sent him it too. He immediately responded asking how she was. He didn’t know she was having surgery. I replied that she was ok, but I was worried as she is very frail. I apologised for inadvertently copying him and said “sorry I made a mistake” to which he replied, ‘yes you most certainly did. Wish your mum all the best, hang in there, say hi to the family’.

Two hours later he asked how she and I were doing and the same again 3 hours later. I didn't respond. I felt desolate really. I didn’t really know what I was expecting. Him to come and hold me I think. He sent another text at 5am the following morning asking how she was. Feeling guilty I responded that she’s was ok, but we’d know more later in the morning. He said he was very pleased and to let him know.

Not really having worked out wth I was trying to do I sent him an update later that evening saying that everything was great (it was the operation was successful), I apologised once again for the error, said I’d delete his number so it wouldn’t happen again. He replied that he was very, very pleased. To which I responded “Thanks. Hope you are as happy as I am right now. Have a wonderlife life. I really mean it”.  I was so happy at the time because my mum looked amazingly well after her ordeal and this might give her a good chance.

Now I’m left with it. What did I do and what for? I am desperately missing a person who sadistically plays games with me, who has taken away so much of my life. I don’t understand. I feel humiliated because he most likely knows my text wasn’t a mistake. Why do I miss him so much? Am I crazy too?

No offence with this but if I looked up the definition of the saying "life is hard" what you are currently dealing with (mother, breakup) would be right at the top of the examples given!

You are absolutely NOT crazy at all. You sought comfort in a time of need from someone who once offered comfort. That is a completely normal and human thing to do.

What you know however is, if your ex has BPD, his ability to offer real support and empathy is seriously handicapped. You realised this and posted about it just now!

Perhaps you can now use this time to strengthen your support network so if your mother remains seriously unwell, you have a friend or family member that is not your ex to lean on, who knows your situation and is happy to help!

I have 5 numbers I can call, 3 family, 2 friends that I can call day/night and they will listen to me. They might not understand why this is so tough (BPD breakup) but they have my back, knowing I have theirs in an instant if they need me too.

Please feel better. Go to a 24 hr pancake place and buy the fancy ones, you deserve a bit of love

[Larmoyant]

Thanks busygall & Ahoy, I’m hoping that things will get better soon as like so many people here this is incredibly painful. I won’t try reaching out to him anymore, he can’t/won’t be able to comfort me. I know it, but hope was always my downfall.

It seems as if it’s finally over this time. It’s what I wanted, because I was living in some sort of hell and couldn’t take anymore, but he was so persistent and it’s taken 4 months to get to this point!

He’d wanted to recycle a couple of times, but I was able to resist as I don’t trust him. He still persisted and I almost met with him a couple more times, but I smelt a rat each time because as soon as I agreed he suddenly couldn’t make it that particular time, as he had arrangements to meet his ‘uncle’ and have dinner with his ‘daughter’. He’d found a replacement by this stage so I guessed it was probably her.

But, he was the one who kept persisting and kept in contact so I assumed he must really love me and it kept my hope alive. The faint hope that he would take some responsibility so we could sort things out, but it seemed that all he wanted was for me to take the blame for everything and pick up where we left off. He said if I wasn’t careful he’d be forced to find someone else and he did just that, all the while continuing to pursue me. The thought of him with another woman hurts like crazy. It seems that it’s really over now. The last message I got from him he advised me to spend more time with my mum and less time with “those know it all’s”. He’s referring to people who love me and want me away from him. I know this is for the best, but it hurts so much.