The chasing back...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, to summarise my timeline of events:

8. April - Ex udBPDgf confesses to texting a work colleague and meetin up with him, but nothing had happened.

16. April - After threatening to kill herself if I didn't give her a chance, we spent the following week with her basically avoiding me, so on the Saturday morning things came to a head, she threatened to leave, I told her to go but leave her key (to my house) so she rang the police and claimed domestic violence.

26. April - After spending a week or so in temp. women's refuge, she gets a flat to rent and moves her stuff out of my house into the flat.

30. April - Having been emailing me constantly, she confirms that she had slept with the bloke she had been texting on her first night in the house, and that it had accidentally happened but she didn't go the full hog etc and regretted it instantly.

Since then, She has been emailing me asking if I love her, asking if I want my family, and then saying that if I did then I should do an anger management course to prove to her how I feel... .Each time, I have emailed her asking if she is serious, and whether she has any remorse (I know this is not a feeling BPD sufferers feel). She then said that the bloke was staying with her until next week, as he had no where to go and that she "wasn't a b***h, so couldn't kick him out!"

Bit of background - I am waiting for a house move to go through, which was supposed to be a family move to a nice area with decent schools (the whole point in the move being to move away from her family, as her Father has been convicted of child s** offences on her younger brother).

This morning, I had the usual email from her asking when I was moving and whether I would be able to take any days off from work... .I questioned why, and she replied "To get me out of here... ." so I asked her where she thought she was going to go and her response was "with you and my family, this can be our new start, put everything behind us, look forward, no more accusations of lies etc".

Now when she split with me (in similar circumstances) 2 years before, I was involved in an assault charge after an altercation with her dad and brother, so naturally tried as best I could to move on with my life. This involved me meeting a very understanding girl on a drunken night out and we ended up sleeping together on numerous occasions. There was no real feeling on my part and it was merely a distraction from the problems at existed in my life at the time.

My ex is using this as a reason that as she forgave and forgot that time, I should do the same now and be the family that we were before... .It's such a rough situation, as I think to myself if I met my ex now I would think she's stunning, and yeah I would be happy to date her etc and I do still ruminate over her and miss the good times. I also had my 3 yo son last night sit on my lap crying hysterically asking for his family back, asking why which was hard to explain to him that it wasn't his fault but without blaming his Mummy for it.

I just wondered if anyone else has been in this situation, have they taken their ex back, have they found things improve, have they been able to erase the past?

As much as I want to move on and not give her the time of day, I do still miss her and life has been miserable lately without us being together as a family. I also know that my son would have a much better upbringing if we went through with the move, as the schools are better and the background of most of the children better. I cannot move him on his own though, as I am not in the position to fight for full custody and I see after a week or so that his behaviour has changed and he is not the happy little boy that he is when his parents and brother are as one.

Really appreciate all your advice and support... .

[CC85]

Well, to summarise my timeline of events:

8. April - Ex udBPDgf confesses to texting a work colleague and meetin up with him, but nothing had happened.

16. April - After threatening to kill herself if I didn't give her a chance, we spent the following week with her basically avoiding me, so on the Saturday morning things came to a head, she threatened to leave, I told her to go but leave her key (to my house) so she rang the police and claimed domestic violence.

26. April - After spending a week or so in temp. women's refuge, she gets a flat to rent and moves her stuff out of my house into the flat.

30. April - Having been emailing me constantly, she confirms that she had slept with the bloke she had been texting on her first night in the house, and that it had accidentally happened but she didn't go the full hog etc and regretted it instantly.

Since then, She has been emailing me asking if I love her, asking if I want my family, and then saying that if I did then I should do an anger management course to prove to her how I feel... .Each time, I have emailed her asking if she is serious, and whether she has any remorse (I know this is not a feeling BPD sufferers feel). She then said that the bloke was staying with her until next week, as he had no where to go and that she "wasn't a b***h, so couldn't kick him out!"

Bit of background - I am waiting for a house move to go through, which was supposed to be a family move to a nice area with decent schools (the whole point in the move being to move away from her family, as her Father has been convicted of child s** offences on her younger brother).

This morning, I had the usual email from her asking when I was moving and whether I would be able to take any days off from work... .I questioned why, and she replied "To get me out of here... ." so I asked her where she thought she was going to go and her response was "with you and my family, this can be our new start, put everything behind us, look forward, no more accusations of lies etc".

Now when she split with me (in similar circumstances) 2 years before, I was involved in an assault charge after an altercation with her dad and brother, so naturally tried as best I could to move on with my life. This involved me meeting a very understanding girl on a drunken night out and we ended up sleeping together on numerous occasions. There was no real feeling on my part and it was merely a distraction from the problems at existed in my life at the time.

My ex is using this as a reason that as she forgave and forgot that time, I should do the same now and be the family that we were before... .It's such a rough situation, as I think to myself if I met my ex now I would think she's stunning, and yeah I would be happy to date her etc and I do still ruminate over her and miss the good times. I also had my 3 yo son last night sit on my lap crying hysterically asking for his family back, asking why which was hard to explain to him that it wasn't his fault but without blaming his Mummy for it.

I just wondered if anyone else has been in this situation, have they taken their ex back, have they found things improve, have they been able to erase the past?

As much as I want to move on and not give her the time of day, I do still miss her and life has been miserable lately without us being together as a family. I also know that my son would have a much better upbringing if we went through with the move, as the schools are better and the background of most of the children better. I cannot move him on his own though, as I am not in the position to fight for full custody and I see after a week or so that his behaviour has changed and he is not the happy little boy that he is when his parents and brother are as one.

Really appreciate all your advice and support... .

[Makersmarksman]

I don't know if you will find anyone on here to validate your concerns about taking them back and if things improve.  I found out after multiple recycles,  yes things definitely improve at first,  but don't last in any meaningful way and each discard becomes more blatant.  I think you probably already know this,  right?  If you have already shown her you will accept a violation of your boundaries, and have done that multiple times there really is nothing stopping her from doing it again,  and in fact she won't,  she can't stop herself.  Sorry man, I asked your same questions for 20 years,  I thought we could outlive the disorder but I can't tell you it gets worse with age.

[Ahoy]

I say this a bit, but think about what a happy marriage means for you, I'm talking about a mutual, loving, caring happy marriage.

Now pretend your mate is telling your exact story to him. What is the honest advice you would be giving to your 'friend' in this situation?

In my situation, which sounds about 50% less dramatic than yours! I would be telling my friend to get out and do immediate damage control (which I luckily did before I knew about BPD)

Good luck in your decision.

[CC85]

Thanks guys, I appreciate your comments... .I initially emailed my ex bk to say how crazy I thought she was that she'd ever think for one minute I'd accept her back... .then 20 mins later I had a reply from her saying she hated me and was just teasing me to see how foolish I would be, she then said she was sitting there with the replacement laughing at me and how good he was etc.

Tonight I emailed to confirm that she was picking our son up from nursery tomorrow and she replied asking if I'd made a decision. When I asked why she went off on one and was really still with the other bloke she said she wasn't and just wanted her family back etc. I guess her initial response was just how pw BPD react to potential abandonment... .

Part of me wants to give her a chance on the provision that she seeks help and starts therapy for BPD, but then I have no idea how effective this would be or if she would even be willing to admit she needs it. In 4 years, she has only one admitted she may have an issue and would get help but as soon as she was back settled she didn't have a problem and any mood swings were my fault.

[WoundedBibi]

Thanks guys, I appreciate your comments... .I initially emailed my ex bk to say how crazy I thought she was that she'd ever think for one minute I'd accept her back... .then 20 mins later I had a reply from her saying she hated me and was just teasing me to see how foolish I would be, she then said she was sitting there with the replacement laughing at me and how good he was etc.

Tonight I emailed to confirm that she was picking our son up from nursery tomorrow and she replied asking if I'd made a decision. When I asked why she went off on one and was really still with the other bloke she said she wasn't and just wanted her family back etc. I guess her initial response was just how pw BPD react to potential abandonment... .

Part of me wants to give her a chance on the provision that she seeks help and starts therapy for BPD, but then I have no idea how effective this would be or if she would even be willing to admit she needs it. In 4 years, she has only one admitted she may have an issue and would get help but as soon as she was back settled she didn't have a problem and any mood swings were my fault.

You can find a lot of posts on this board that tell you it is not hugely effective. It takes years and years and it's not a cure. It's about learning how to manage the behaviour. The most difficult to manage issue of their behaviour remains the most obvious issue.

Apart from that as with a lot of therapies at first the symptoms will probably get worse.

But most importantly: therapy doesn't work if someone doesn't do it because they want to but because they are forced into it.

SHE needs to want it because it is going to be TOUGH.

And a NON can decide they need therapy and might not want to go on a bad day and still drag themselves there but a pwBPD needs to choose they need it every appointment again as they change their minds all the time. Therapy for pwBPD is way harder than for NONs. They often idealize their therapist too and then devalue them or feel abandoned when the T goes on holiday. They tell the T the same lies they tell you, the same "I wanna be here" "no I don't" BS. They will tell you the T agrees with them you are an awful person trying to triangulate you and the T. And often they walk out of therapy. Or lie about going.

It will be tough for her. It will be tough for you. It will be tough for your son. Therapy is not a quick fix.

So basically if you take her back you take her back including ALL THE BS she brings with her. Including the moodswings, the cheating, the police coming round every now and again, the suicide threats, the embarrassing situations with neighbours, the lies, ALL of it. For the rest of your life. Till death do you part. Take it or leave it.