Getting Blamed...

[Herodias]

 The thing that gets me is the blaming me for all his "incidents" over the years ... .He claims he hadn't had any since we've been apart. I'm afraid they must be starting up again now- he has way too much about to happen in his life at once for them not to! A baby, a divorce, a big job change after a demotion and a move out of state, a court case and the end to a pending felony. That's allot for anyone to handle let alone a pwBPD! How does one person create so much chaos in their life? I will never understand that part... .

[Yaryar87]

I heard the same thing to.  That when he is apart from me he has a better life and is at peace.  I don't know why the blame us for everything.   Could it be because being close to someone is difficult for them? This makes me so upset.  We are not to blame for their incidents.  Maybe it's just a form of projection

[Fogclearing]

My ex partner blamed me too. Of course. It is one thing to honestly and openly discuss how two people in a relationship can affect each other but that's not the case with her. She pushes all the blame on me and even makes up stuff that never happened just to not have to deal with her own responsibility. It's typical.

Of course he's not "better" now. They never are. Don't listen to him.

[WoundedBibi]

The thing that gets me is the blaming me for all his "incidents" over the years ... .He claims he hadn't had any since we've been apart. I'm afraid they must be starting up again now- he has way too much about to happen in his life at once for them not to! A baby, a divorce, a big job change after a demotion and a move out of state, a court case and the end to a pending felony. That's allot for anyone to handle let alone a pwBPD! How does one person create so much chaos in their life? I will never understand that part... .

If you cannot take responsibility because you're unable to look at yourself of course you will blame someone else. Or the world. Or life. But preferably someone else. They are easier to be mad at and punish than life.

If you feel dead inside you will train yourself to create drama. Drama feels like things are happening. Okay a lot of those things are crappy, and then you get to be angry and can blame others, but at least you feel alive...

So he has a lot going on and this baby is not going to be his saviour either (which we all knew already) and then incidents will start happening again. Drama. The baby cries a lot and he can't sleep. She has only eyes for the baby. All of the visitors have more eyes for the baby than him. The baby gets older the visitors get less. The tension of the court case. The new job that probably sucks. Drama. More drama. Why are YOU afraid the incidents will be starting up again? You're not there. You don't have to witness the drama. Apart from the court case you're not involved in any of it...

[Herodias]

I didn't mean it in that I am literally afraid... .I meant that I believe he will, like when you say, "I am afraid you are wrong"... .You are correct... .we know how it will go, since we have all been through this. The only fear I have is his taking me to court to create drama and blaming me for the position he has created of himself in not having any money. I am sure it's my fault he pays me alimony... .not that he promised me the world and wants to snatch it away because I won't take him back under the circumstances. He told me when we separated we could always get back together. Then when I said no in November I am sure he was shocked. At least he had a new supply. He lost his job and I had nothing to do with that. When he was with me he was thriving in so many ways... .amongst the drama, he had a great job, house and had many hobbies (toys) to divert his energies.  Too bad... .You don't get to treat people this way and keep them in your life. He was too expensive for me, both mentally and financially. Soon it will be the next ex who will be blamed, probably for getting pregnant and trapping him!

[Hadlee]

When he was with me he was thriving in so many ways... .amongst the drama, he had a great job, house and had many hobbies (toys) to divert his energies. 

That's the thing... .in my experience, they can't cope in a thriving environment when they are given everything they want/need.  They seem to thrive in chaotic environments.  Strange.  Very strange!

[JerryRG]

I agree with WoundedBibi here

A councelor told me pwBPD have to ramp up everything in their lives with drama and excitement because they just feel cannot tolerate feeling on a normal level ever, their internal pain is too great.

Then they crash from the excitement, kind of like living every day like it's Christmas morning and they are 10 years old. Once the gifts are unwrapped and there's nothing left to open and the toys become boring pwBPD start looking forward to Christmas morning again. They need that high, that rush to feel alive. Without it I believe they feel their real selves, dead and empty.

Normal everyday life is boring for them, peace and quiet may just allow them to feel their true feelings? Emptiness and fear?

My sponsor told me if you cannot stand being alone it's probably the company you're keeping.

I don't articulate as well as you people do, still foggy. I hope I'm making some sense.

They are thinking like children, how many children accept blame for anything they do wrong? I remember getting into trouble as a child, I felt/thought I would be put to death a few times for simple things like stealing a cookie.

[Herodias]

"My sponsor told me if you cannot stand being alone it's probably the company you're keeping."

Good one... .I am glad I love to be alone! LOL  I don't always like to feel lonely. Yes, you are right... .one time he stood staring at me when he was drunk after we split... .he said " I just want to be able to be alone". Very telling... .

[SoMadSoSad]

"My sponsor told me if you cannot stand being alone it's probably the company you're keeping."

Good one... .I am glad I love to be alone! LOL  I don't always like to feel lonely. Yes, you are right... .one time he stood staring at me when he was drunk after we split... .he said " I just want to be able to be alone". Very telling... .

I don't get that quote can you explain it?

[JerryRG]

If we cannot stand being alone (with ourselves) we might begin to question why this is. What could be behind our fear of being alone. Since it is only us we cannot blame anyone else.

Anyone else?

[Herodias]

Yes, for some reason you do not enjoy your own companionship. It could be for allot of reasons. I suppose for these people they have such shame and bad feelings about themselves... .they need to feed off of others good feelings. To "try" and be happy. I read where the pwNPD just sucks all of the goodness out of you and ultimately tries to destroy you so they feel better about themselves. Some people will do that. I noticed this "friend" I have had for the past year was always putting me down in a "helpful" way... .I see now it was a way of making her feel better about herself. We need to learn to life ourselves up. We always feel bad for these people and try and make them feel better about themselves. We need to do it for us! I am finally there. I am fine being alone, I don't care if I am a bit overweight, I don't pick myself apart or feel old. He tried to make me feel bad about all of that! So has this "friend"... .Who needs someone to do that to you? I enjoy doing what I want, when I want and I am not going to get into another relationship with someone who is not at least equal to me in mindset and morals. I feel good at this point. Angry at him for what he did to me, angry at them for flaunting their false romance to the public... .I know the truth and I do not believe he will be different with her other than to pretend to be what she wants for awhile. I feel more confident than ever before. They say sometimes these relationships are put in our lives to make big changes in us. I do believe that. The only trouble I have is with trusting other people, but I suppose for now, that is a good thing that keeps my boundaries in tact!

[JerryRG]

Well said Blue!

I hope to have this clear understand one day, I will get there if I never give up, thanks again Herodias