i feel guilty about leaving my ex

[drummerboy5]

I left my pregnant exBPDgf after months of verbal assaults. The last straw was after I spent thousands of dollars on an engagement ring to be treated like crap after proposing... I feel guilty for leaving her while pregnant, but I couldnt take anymore of the chaos,verbal assaults, put downs and controlling behaviors. I tried to leave several times before she got pregnant...

After the split and right before first baby doc appt she sent threats via text and email to ruin my life and reputation if I didn't pay her co pay... I told her those threats would not be accepted by me and I wanted no contact from her, if she needed anything to have her family contact me. She threw a fit and started to cause more stress.being she got pregnant after a spilt/reunion and was out with another man the day before reunion I requested a DNA test even tho I think the child is mine. She flew off the handle and said if you want a DNA test you are no longer allowed at my doc apts, yet I've paid for all appts. I feel guilty for putting my concerns out on the table and trying to protect myself. I hate the fact that I feel like I'm being punished for sticking up for myself and ending the abuse.

I really don't want to co parent with this woman as she is going to use the child against me.my exBPD refers to the child as hers and I've had no say so in the name or get any updates on the pregnancy. I'm lost as I wanted to be involved wether we were together or not. I feel I'm missing out on moments I can't get back all because the exBPD is mad and punishing me for leaving... When I told her I didn't want contact I didn't mean to cut me out of the pregnancy, I just meant I wants the threats to stop.

My ex is diagnosed BPD with npd traits. How do I get past this guilt of leaving a pregnant woman and the guilt of my unborn daughter not having mom and dad together as a family? Sometimes I think I should of just stayed with my exBPD and took the verbal assult so I would of been allowed to be apart of the pregnancy. I feel guilty and feel like I've let my exBPD and unborn daughter down. I feel like people are going to think I abandoned my exBPD because I'm a bad person.

Sincerely confused man  

[Herodias]

Gosh, that's a mess... .sorry you are going through that. I would completely understand a DNA test before I got myself committed into paying for and getting emotionally attached to a child that may or may not be mine. You know for sure she was with this other man? You may have to get some legal counsel I am afraid. For if it is not yours, that solves the problem and I would stay very clear of her. If it it your child, you have to decide how you want to proceed. She will make your life miserable with court battles and child support, visitation, etc. Look at some U-tuble videos on NPD and their children. I have seen several with stories of how this can go. I hope you have learned a valuable lesson when it comes to birth control. We have to look out for ourselves. Believe me, I learned it can happen in reverse. Mine told me he was infertile... .I figured, what guy would admit that? We didn't get pregnant for awhile, so I believed him. Next thing you know... .pregnant and pushed into a quick marriage! I feel so dumb. I have sympathy for you though... .Find out how the whole DNA thing works, who cares if she gets mad. That is what they do... .they bully you into thinking you must be the bad guy. Sometimes you have to trust your gut. Good luck.

[drummerboy5]

Thank you for your response. I know for a fact she was out on a date with the other as he posted the pics on fb. She got pregnant right after we got back together... Whats funny is at the first doc appt she allowed me at they were joking about the due date and my exBPD/npd told the doc the exact date and place  she got pregnant. I thought that was weird, almost like she was trying to convince me it was mine . My mind is running non stop with weird thoughts... I just want to stop feeling guilty for leaving. I think her going silent and shutting me out of the pregnancy is what's bringing on the guilt.

My T told me to reach out to exBPD/npd gma via fb to explain that I have paid towards the child and what has beefing going on( not being allowed at doc appts) well my ex intercepted the message and responded from her gmas fb... I think she's trying to hide stuff from her family but I'm not sure... its like I'm constantly trying to figure out why and what the heck happened

[Herodias]

Trust your gut! Of course she has tried to pin it on a particular date... .she may not even know who the father is and feel very unstable with that. This other guy may not want anything to do with her. Trust me- this happens! Have you found out how you kind get a test done? She may not agree to do it, if she is afraid it's not yours. I am serious about finding out. These relationships are so like a Jerry Springer show- ridiculous! That has been my little joke lately- I feel like I went from a lifetime movie to a Jerry Springer show! It's not really funny, but sometimes humor helps you cope. And yes, I met a man in church who describes the end of his marriage the same way... .he couldn't figure out what was happening... .It is that way unfortunately and you may never know. I laughed because when my husbands gf told her co-workers she was pregnant, they laughed behind her back asking with whose child? It would be something if it came out another race completely! You just never know. So before you get yourself all in a mess, find out. Watch "SHRINK 4 MEN" on U-tube or go to their website... .they may have some good ideas for you. They can be a little over the top, but they have some good insights.

[drummerboy5]

I'll have a lawyer file a motion for paternity and request DNA test

[Herodias]

Good plan... .sorry. It's all painstaking : (

[drummerboy5]

Ive been thinking more about what my Therapist said the other day. Even tho I broke up with her I have tried to be apart of the pregnancy , but she has shut me out for whatever reason she has. I'm not going to feel guilty as it is beyond my control anymore. My exBPD/npd is silent and that's good . I'll do what I need to do as far as making sure the child is mine to protect myself and if my ex doesn't like it oh well. I have rights and I'm going to use my rights.

First thing first confirm paternity and  move forward based on the outcome