Ex pulling on the heart strings...

[CC85]

Well, I feel like I'm doing well and looking ahead and I am but am now getting my heart strings pulled real hard... .

It's 3.5 weeks since my ex udBPDgf has left, and today was the first proper day she had our son again and is having him overnight... .When she left, it was after texting a male work colleague for a month, meeting him and then a week ago she slept with him twice. After that she started begging me back in an almost daily barrage of emails. At first I took offence to her cheek, so told her straight where to go but today she has been emailing me begging and say she is getting counselling, has blocked the other bloke out and kicked him out (as he was staying there) and she is promising this time it will be a fresh start etc etc, she won't lie, she wont cheat, she's realised how amazing we are as a family (You know the blah blah! )

To top it off, she sent me a picture of her and my son sitting hugging and smiling saying "look at his little face, he wants his family back"... .it brought me to tears, as my little chap obviously doesn't understand but is a bright lad and asks why his family aren't together.

Now, as much as I always wanted that family for my son, I just cannot verify giving it another shot for that reason alone... .I mean, what happens if in weeks, months, years it all goes sour again (as it has before) and I do something I regret, end up in jail or someone gets hurt... .then I lose my liberty, I don't see my son. I know I'm doing the right thing and I know I have to stay strong on my path to freedom... .I have tried to explain to my son, even though he is only 3 that no matter how much or how little I see him or no matter how near or far we are apart, I am always there for him and that he can tell me anything.

The thing is, I begged and pleaded with my ex even after she left for her not to do anything silly that would mean we couldn't reconcile and although she says it's a mistake, she still will not actually realise the gravity of her crime (I know, that's BPD for you!)... .She still blames me for pushing her away.

I know I must stay strong, not let my heart rule my head, as it will only end in tears again... .The plus point is I've really listened to a lot of music lately and I think the lyrics in the following song from one of my favourite childhood bands, Whitesnake are perfect for summing up how alot of us feel at times like this... .



"I used to be the man for you,

Did everything you wanted me to,

So, tell me, baby,

What did I do wrong... .

I told you what you wanted to know,

Precious secrets never spoken before.

All I'm asking,

Where did I go wrong... .

Some things are better left unsaid,

But, all I do is cry instead,

Now, I've cried me a river,

Thinking how it used to be... .

There've been too many tears falling,

And there've been too many hearts

Breaking in two.

Remember what we had together,

Believing it would last forever.

So, tell me, baby,

Where did I go wrong... .

Everything I had was yours,

More than I have ever given before,

So, won't you tell me

Did I hurt you so bad... .

I guess I'm fooling myself,

'cause I want you and no one else.

And I can't understand

Why you're doing these things to me... .

There've been too many tears falling,

And there've been too many hearts

Breaking in two... .

Remember what we had together,

Believing it would last forever.

So, tell me, baby,

Where did I go wrong, where did I go wrong... .

Now my heart is breaking,

My whole world is shaking,

'cause I can't understand

Why you're doing these things to me... .

There've been too many tears falling,

And there've been too many hearts

Breaking in two... .

Remember what we had together,

Believing it would last forever... .

So, tell me, baby,

Where did I go wrong... ."

[Ahoy]

I think of this way, how can you have a relationship with someone you literally have zero trust with?

Mine cheated, mine lied for the whole relationship it seems. I could not trust one single sentence she says now. Not ever and it really, really hurts.

BPD = no moral compass

Do you see yourself trusting her in the future?

[Herodias]

So sorry... .I know the feeling. I took mine back over and over because I felt bad for him. Eventually he didn't respect me and left me! It's so hard. Think with your head, not with your heart. You'll know what's best for your family... .

[WoundedBibi]

The picture she sent is utter manipulation as you know. Your son is being used by her as a pawn and it's probably not the first time either.

You know the deal: it's her including all the BS or not at all. There is not hand picking which part of her behaviour you get to leave out.

Take your boy and be a family with him. If you really want to you can make it work at the new house too. Work from home. Move your mum into the new house too. Whatever it takes.

[LilMe]

I'm sorry this is happening to you CC85!  It is most definitely manipulation.  I think many of us here can attest to the fact that if you were to go back, it wouldn't last long.  It seems to be very rare for a pwBPD to be able to change; that is the nature of a personality disorder.  Yes, they can temporarily change, but the real person always reappears.

I think one of the hardest things for me is realizing that the person I fell in love with and miss was not real.  But it seemed so real to me!  The mind can be tricky!  It only wants to remember the good stuff.  I have to consciously remind myself of the bad.

Stay strong for your son!  Our children need us!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CC85, As others have noted above, what you describe as your Ex "pulling on the heart strings" is in reality her attempt to manipulate your emotions through F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  Those w/BPD are experts at manipulation, as you are finding out.  Yet your gut feeling is right, in my view, that it is likely to go "sour" again if you return and the best path for you and your son is to stay strong.

LuckyJim

[Lonely_Astro]

Hey CC,

Sorry to hear you're going through this.  I can attest as others have that the r/s cycles until one of you decides to break that cycle.  Unfortunately, she most likely will not do that. If she is undiagnosed, she probably will remain that way, which will inhibit any type of growth on her part. The problem doesn't lie with you, CC.  She was broken long before you and will be long after you two have ceased being together.  You have an added factor, of course: you two have a child together.  She will always be a part of your life because of that.  Of course, you could always move for full custody of your child, if you wished to do so.  That is a personal decision for you to consider.   

As someone who was involved with a diagnosed, medicated, and (allegedly) in DBT, I can tell you that these types of r/s are "difficult" (to put it mildly).  Mine lied, cheated, manipulated, and was a master of FOG.  It wasn't until I stepped back for awhile that I could see it.  I work with her (and my replacement, yay me!) and as recent as a couple of days ago, she attempted to bring me back into her orbit.  All of these actions are about them, not about us.  I heard often times "don't take it personal" from others on this board even though she was doing some of the most personal things to me.  But you know what?  They were right: it wasn't personal.  I could've been anyone... .I was an object to her, not a human being.  I was useful for as long as I was fulfilling a need of hers, nothing more.

Did your son say he wanted his "family back"?  Maybe.  As a parent of a toddler myself, I can say they are very aware of those sorts of things, even if we don't think they are.  He probably has asked for you a lot, just as he would ask for her if he were with you.  He can't grasp the concept of r/s, of course. But remember, you're dealing with TWO people who don't have a grasp of how adult r/s work. 

Keep your head up. It gets better with time, I know you can't see it right now.