So just a quick summary of all the ___ that happened…….
– Talked bad about ALL her exes (one beat her up, other set a forest on fire, another one cheated on her, another one went to jail)
– Loads of DEBT (college debt of around 70k USD)
– Love bombing (telling me how lucky she was to have met me and texted me 24/7, posting pictures of me and her on FB and IG, wanted to marry me after 1 date, calling me her love after 2 dates)
– Future faking the ___ out of me (wanted to get married, have kids , house etc)
– High demanding (wanted a big house , a horse, a dog, a car either Audi or BMW etc etc)
– Wanted to be a housewife but didnt want to cook or clean
– Drank excessive amounts of alcohol and used a lot of medication against migraine
– Mom was never around during the holidays and her dad she is screwed up (I guess due to the mom)
– Family of her told me to RUN
– Said she had her own apartment but turns out it was her moms and stepdads.
– Shared creditcard and phone with her ex boyfriend
– Contact with her ex boyfriend on frequent basis
– Wanted to be in the centre of the attention all the time
– Very concerned about her looks and spend huge amounts of money on her looks
– Lot of “male friends”
– Said she liked men more than women…...
– Said it turned her on if I talked to other females while we were out to have a drink (i.e. jealousy turned her on, like what the heck?)
– Ruined the holiday and new years eve
– Obsessed with money constantly talking and asking how much I make a year and what kind of car I drive (Audi which is common in Europe, but in USA it seems like a big plus?)
– Making up stories about health issues like fainting in shower and throwing up in shower , claiming she thought she was pregnant, migraine, mono the list goes on and on…...
– Admitted she had ADD
– Early in the relationship she sees herself as an Alpha female and can’t stand too emotional, passive aggresive and conflict avoiding behaviour.
– She even said she knows she a crazy but she sees herself as a nice person and needs someone to confirm that?
Anyways, what kind of girl was I dealing with? Is this a full blown narcissist or someone with borderline?
Think yourself lucky you found this place! There are so many commonalities between your own experience and those of others on here, that it's hard not to draw the conclusion that this lady has BPD or exhibits traits. I'm still stuggling to accept it, if I'm totally honest. This confusion, I believe, is also part of the process. My ex effectively 'groomed' me online, on a shared interest website. The 'cry for help' was a new house renovation. Here was this good-looking, unattached 40 something, knocking plaster off walls, messing with electrics and plumbing, posting pictures of her progress and jokingly 'inviting' people to come up and give her a hand. I used to a be a builder/joiner so I was drawn in, like a moth to a flame!. Within a matter of days she was sending me private messages via the forum, then came the 'phone calls. She would literally talk for hours about how badly she'd been treated by her exes, how she'd suffered Post traumatic Stress Disorder, had been mute for two weeks, how she'd been shafted by work colleagues, her family. All this was interspersed with how much she valued openness, honesty, trust, sincerity and compassion... .hell, she even had an incurable gynecological condition that meant she couldn't have children, hadn't been intimate with anyone for five years, but she 'just knew' that I was different, I was the only guy she'd met that she could truly open up too, that she could trust implicitly with all her intimate thoughts, hopes, desires and feelings!
Now slap me (and countless others) for what I did next... .I fell for it! What an amazingly strong woman... .having gone through all that trauma and come out the other side wiser, more empathic, more caring, more honest and open. I'd never met anyone like her; so hurt but yet so loving, so philosophical, so sure of what she looks for in a partner. I can't have children, unfortunately, and within weeks she was expressing the possibility of us adopting a child!
Needless to say, it soon turned to the proverbial, when we actually got together. Don't get me wrong, we had some great times together, but then the accusations, paranoia and abuse started to rear its ugly head, in true Jeckyll and Hyde style. I didn't really care for her, didn't show her enough tenderness, proved myself to be both untrustworthy and a liar. It got worse. She was convinced I am a high functioning autistic, and incapable of empathy, that I have a deep-seated victim complex, she suspected that I was gay (!), that I was still emotionally attached to my previous partner (whom she stalked on FB)... .in short, everything that was going pear-shaped in our relationship was all due to my shortcommings as a person... .and here's the rub: She would never, ever accept any responsibility for her abusive tirades and outbursts... .I made her react this was... .it was my fault she felt unloved, uncherished, unadored. She even went so far as to say I didn't allow her to have any 'expectations' of me because I was such an emotionally stunted excuse for a human being... .Nice! the worst of it was, she was highly intelligent... .she could run rings around me in an argument, using heavy sarcasm, infatilizing language, drawing on 'supporting evidence' from previous conversations, quoting me verbatim, on things I couldn't even remember saying... .I'd just get increasingly exasperated and frustrated until I'd blow my top, at which point she would calmly say "There you go! I just can't communicate with you. You're incapable of having a conversation without resorting to anger"! Manipulative is not the word... .
I'd try increasingly hard to patch things up, accepting the blame, apologizing profusely for losing it, telling her how much I loved her, cared for her... .but it was NEVER enough. There was a distinct pattern to her behaviour; I could sense when she was going to start, because she would ask some random question that was not really related to the topic at the time. These, I later realized, were her 'checking questions'... .to see if my current response would tally with something I'd said before. She would lay conversational 'traps' as it were, which I failed to recognize, and would usually fall into, precipitating yet another character assassination.
Just looking over your 'checklist' i'd say she displayed almost all the same traits (and more), but in particular:
early onset Lovebombing
future faking
high demanding
contact with exes (despite how apparently badly they'd treated her!)
centre of attention (she told me she wanted to be 'adored'... .)
lots of male friends (avid Facebook and Twitter user... .constant phone checker... .considered herself to be a clandestine anti government activist!)
add to the list:
incredibly self-righteous
black and white sense of what is right and wrong... .no gray areas... .you're either wonderful or an A hole
highly manipulative (too may example to list)
blames everyone but her self
never wrong (like a 'dog with a stick' in an argument... .could not let things lie, or have Time out)
claimed illness or fatigue most of the time
Sure there's more but there's a few to be going on with... .
Good Luck Buddy... .RUN... .and never look back... .like grandma suggested
