Hi,
I have to say that recently I'm doing great about the break up with my ex BPD gf (8 months ago / almost 4 months N/C). I have started to date again and even if the girls I met are not making me feel so in love there's a lot of positive stuff going on! I'm going to the gym 4 to 5 times a week and I'm in a really great shape... .Also I met some new friends trough the gym. Yesterday, I saw on FB that my ex BPD is pregnant. Until now, even if she was in a r/s with the rebound, no couple picture on FB... .nothing... .and BANG! yesterday she put some romantic pics of them AND with the announcement that she is pregnant!
Honnestly, I felt a bit frustrated! When we were a couple I have always refused to build a family with her... .I have my own daughter of 6 yo and she knew my opinon about having another baby from the very start of our r/s... .at the end (after lying, cheating, crying, harassment... .) she said that her behaviour was the result of my non desire of having a kid. I think I feel a kind of rage because she is not failing, she is able to obtain what she want. She has a great job, EVEREYBODY thinks she is an angel, everybody loves her (except all her exs bf), she wanted a baby/she got it! You know she never fail even if she's bad, manipulative and very hypocrite and 2 faced. Also, my self-esteem has taken a jab. That guy (a Young pot smoker with no class) is able to keep staying with her. There was a 9 years age gap between us (me older)... .she always complaining about my life style (too relax)? Sometimes I feel I was dull or boring... .my social network was more limited (less friends, less party)... that I was just a single dad... .Anyways, all that make me think again about my faults or what could have been done... .How can I diminish that rage and desire to see her fail... .the fact that I compare myself to my replacement... .did it happen only because I did'nt want a baby from her?... .Recently I feel alot better but since I know she is pregnant and I have seen them in love on those pics I made a few steps back My logic is telling me it is pure illusion and that she did the same thing to me, same pattern... .maybe I just dodged a bullet? but my heart is still suffering. Advice, comments... .thanks in advance!
So basically you were doing good until you found out she does not seem unhappy or failing at life and now:
- you are angry she is not an unhappy failure
- you are jealous she is with someone who is younger than you and seems to be more 'hip and happening'
- you are jealous they seem to be able to stick it out together
- you are wondering if your relationship with her only failed because of her wanting a baby and you not wanting one
Been there, done that. Slightly different circumstances but I get the initial feeling of anger. I got passed it pretty quick.
- I was angry when I found out my ex -after being in a narcisstic collapse apparently managed to drag himself out- had found this great new job. I was furious. I could handle things a lot better as long as I could think of him as this pathetic depressed alcoholic. But then I realized he still is. He just temporarily dusted himself off. He will fail at this job too because he always does. Just a matter of time. And later I figured out he probably lied about how great this job is anyway. But more importantly, my ex, your ex, still BPD. Still unhappy on the inside. Always will be. But FB is choreographed. She is not going to post on there she lied, cheated, had scary thoughts, feels empty, can't stop the vortex of feelings inside. Do not fall for the choreographed social media look. She is not happy.
And a baby does not make her a succes either. Because this baby is no more going to be her saviour than any man will. Of every man in her life she has thought he would be THE ONE. The one who would take away her pain. Who would solve it all. Her saviour. You, the new guy, all the exes in the past. And the baby always had that role too; someone to love her, someone that will never leave. But the baby will have a will of it's own. Cry more than she expected. Rob her of her sleep. She might get what she wants as you see it but is that something to be jealous about? Because she will not make a good mother; no pwBPD does. And this child will not grow up happy and will have a bigger chance to develop a PD themselves or end up in a relationship with one. The next generation. Sigh... That is nothing to be jealous of... .
- you are jealous she is with someone who is younger and who seems more 'hip and happening'.
Getting older is not easy but it happens anyway. And there will always be people that are younger than you. More hip. Or whatever you feel insecure about: richer, skinnier, smarter, and so on. It means you need to work on your self esteem. Because if you are in another relationship you will compare yourself again if you think your woman is looking at another man.
It is obvious you are jealous as you are emphasizing he is a pot smoker without class. It doesn't matter who he is. It means you are hurt you are replaced. You would also be jealous if she was with George Clooney (not younger, class) or a middle aged accountant. You would prefer her to be alone for ever and ever. That is not going to happen...
- you are jealous they seem to be able to stick it out.
Please... .they have been together for 7 months... .That is hardly a long term relationship... .Besides you are not there when she lies to him, screams at him, when he smokes some more pot to get away from the drama; you have no clue what goes on behind closed doors. Everything that happened to you will happen to him. It's just a matter of time. And he is bound to her for life... .
- you are wondering if the only reason your relationship failed was the baby issue.
Obviously not. Your lifestyles were not compatible from what you describe, and wanting a baby is a reason to break up but not a reason to lie, cheat, harass, etcetera. That behaviour sounds as BPD. So your relationship failed due to behavioural components, abuse and incompatibility.
I understand your frustration of the world seeing her as this charming person and being one of the very few that has seen the person behind the mask. I still feel that too. But I know in time more people will see. He will move environment as always. Meanwhile I'm not going to lose any more sleep or energy over the fact he can charm the pants off of people; he's not worth it.
I would look at yourself and your healing if I were you; you thought you were doing great. But if you were really doing great and were detached from your ex it would not have mattered to you that you had been replaced as you were dating too and you would not have had this need for her to be an unhappy failure.
