Need urgent help with my BPD mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello I need urgent help with my BPD mother! My mum was always very attached to me and she hated all of my boyfriends after a certain point (she would get very jealous and accuse me of leaving her alone all the time). My father killed himself when I was one due to drug abuse and she never got over it. She had some boyfriends but she would always ruin her relationships. She ended up accepting to be alone forever. I always knew it would be though to leave the house when I became independent. 3 Years ago I decided to move to England to join by boyfriend who was already here. The whole time she kept saying I was leaving her and things like that but she seemed to have accepted it in the end. She came to visit a couple of times and a year after she said she wanted to leave her job and came to live with me. I knew this wasn't a realistic option for her because she would be leaving a good job and her own flat to come and rent one with us. I accepted it because I felt a bit alone and also was scared of saying 'no' because I knew she would accuse me not caring about her. She just kept saying she was very depressed because I was away from her and she couldn't take it any more she felt like dying. I felt very guilty so she came to live with us. In the beginning everything was fine but soon it started to go downhill... .She became to criticise my boyfriend if he wouldn't do a certain chore and soon it got to the point she said she could not stand him any more. She accused me of always being on his side and hating her. Now I have a 2 month old son and she keeps picking fights with my partner and being really childish. I cannot take it any more. I don't think this is ok for my baby to live in this environment and the thing is even if we ignore her she gets worse and says no one cares. She says she's going to leave but I know it's just her usual threats. I do want her to though but am scared she might hurt herself if she feels rejected... .I cannot stand it. But I know if I tell her she will hate me. I explained if she cannot leave in piece with my partner then it's not good to leave together. Immediately she said 'You are kicking me out!'. I don't know what to do. Should I try to explain to her it's better for her to leave and expect she won't hate me forever or should I suck it up? I feel she's ruining my relationship with my partner   ... .Please help me!  :'(

[littlesmurf]

Hello I need urgent help with my BPD mother! My mum was always very attached to me and she hated all of my boyfriends after a certain point (she would get very jealous and accuse me of leaving her alone all the time). My father killed himself when I was one due to drug abuse and she never got over it. She had some boyfriends but she would always ruin her relationships. She ended up accepting to be alone forever. I always knew it would be though to leave the house when I became independent. 3 Years ago I decided to move to England to join by boyfriend who was already here. The whole time she kept saying I was leaving her and things like that but she seemed to have accepted it in the end. She came to visit a couple of times and a year after she said she wanted to leave her job and came to live with me. I knew this wasn't a realistic option for her because she would be leaving a good job and her own flat to come and rent one with us. I accepted it because I felt a bit alone and also was scared of saying 'no' because I knew she would accuse me not caring about her. She just kept saying she was very depressed because I was away from her and she couldn't take it any more she felt like dying. I felt very guilty so she came to live with us. In the beginning everything was fine but soon it started to go downhill... .She became to criticise my boyfriend if he wouldn't do a certain chore and soon it got to the point she said she could not stand him any more. She accused me of always being on his side and hating her. Now I have a 2 month old son and she keeps picking fights with my partner and being really childish. I cannot take it any more. I don't think this is ok for my baby to live in this environment and the thing is even if we ignore her she gets worse and says no one cares. She says she's going to leave but I know it's just her usual threats. I do want her to though but am scared she might hurt herself if she feels rejected... .I cannot stand it. But I know if I tell her she will hate me. I explained if she cannot leave in piece with my partner then it's not good to leave together. Immediately she said 'You are kicking me out!'. I don't know what to do. Should I try to explain to her it's better for her to leave and expect she won't hate me forever or should I suck it up? I feel she's ruining my relationship with my partner   ... .Please help me!  :'(

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi littlesmurf !

Welcome to our online family and so glad that you have joined us. Sounds like you definitely are having some major struggles with your mom! I am very sorry to hear this, and I can only imagine how difficult the struggle must be for you and your boyfriend. You are absolutely correct that this is not healthy for your baby to be in this conflict, nor is it good for you.

BPDs try to self soothe in unhealthy ways, and that usually makes it unhealthy for those of us around them too. They are hyper sensitive to any form of 'perceived' rejection, even when we are not rejecting them, but want to see their behaviour change. Unfortunately we cannot change them or the behaviour, so it's usually necessary to set boundaries. Here at this site there are some great tips to help you communicate better with her. I'm writing from my tablet and have limited ability to post a link for you, but if you search the site for SET or DEARMAN, you will find some tips that may be of help.

Do you have access to a T for some help? What does your boyfriend have to say about the situation?

Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

littlesmurf:

Sorry to hear about your current situation.  It seems to be rather complex.  You indicate that you moved to England and then your mom followed.  Are you and your mom now citizens of England or there on a Visa?

Have you thought about some options regarding your mom?  You said she quit a good job to move and reside with you.  :)oes she currently work or can she get a job?

I'd have to say that many young adults would have a tough time bringing a mentally healthy mother (without BPD) into their household.   You are in your early years of independence, with your boyfriend and a child.  :)o you feel like you have gone back in time and it is as if you hadn't left home yet?  Maybe your mom is in that state of mind?

I can tell that you love your mom, but you can't be responsible for her happiness.  You indicate that you mom got over it when you left home.  She will likely get over moving out of your current home.  It isn't wrong to have your own healthy and happy life and household.

[littlesmurf]

Hello thank you so much for your reply! Fortunately my boyfriend is a very calm person and always tries to reason with her even when she's a bit mean to him. He says he doesn't want her to leave, that we should be able to live all together in peace and we need to learn how to overcome this. But he also says it's not fair that he has to live in this house in fear of the next time she will snap. She can get very violent (not physically but verbally) and she will call him names. I know she doesn't mean it but it hurts me and I know it hurts him. Every time she creates a problem, we end up solving it and move on but then it happens again and again and again.  It is not stopping!  I feel we will never be able to move past it. The only thing that keeps me going is that my boyfriend doesn't make me choose sides or anything and he always tries to solve things. But he also ends up not telling me how he feels deep down and that scares me that one day we won't be able to take it any more.

I am not sure what do you mean by 'T'?

We are Portuguese so because we are European citizens we can reside in any country in the EU without visa. She has a job and helps us with the rent and other expenses. Last time she was upset she said she knows someone who has a room to rent and she wanted to leave and rent that room. I said that would be fine but I don't want her to leave and be upset. She started to say I was kicking her out and I want her gone... .At some point I just started ignoring her and left the room because everything I would say she would turn it against me. It's becoming exhausting. Even though it doesn't happen everyday, it is frequent. And I fear she would get possessive towards my son as she is with me. I just feel she gets jealous of my boyfriend. If one night he goes to bed early and I go as well and she stays in the living room watching TV by herself the next day she accuses me and says I always leave her alone.

Yes I feel this was my turn to be independent and that she is keeping me from that. I don't think I would ever by able to leave home without her being mad at me. I explained to her even if we were still in Portugal there would be a day I would leave home. I might be unfair in saying this but I am pretty sure she knew if she came to live with us I could never kick her out because I would feel tied to her due to the fact she left our country. I am not sure she got over me leaving as I am sure she always wanted to join me.

I still remember one time in the first month I was in England (she was still there). Me and my boyfriend were having dinner with friends and she called me. I answered and when she realised we weren't by ourselves she snapped saying they were making fun of her because they were laughing and I explained we were just having fun. Next day she emailed my boyfriend saying 'You have what you wanted you took her from me but I will make your life a living hell'. After a few days she eventually got over it. That's the same thing she said when she mentioned renting the room 'I'll go but I will make his life a living hell'. I don't understand why she feels that not living with me it's the end of the world... . 

[Amelia]

Hi littlesmurf,

I just wanted to say that I can relate to the cycle you're experiencing, and I wanted to tell you that it is okay for you to want your own peace and happiness in your own home, especially with your young child growing up. You're entitled to these things and BPD people have a hard time seeing past their own needs, even when dealing with their own children. Your own happiness should not be conditional on your mother's happiness. This is a tough lesson for all of us to learn.

You need to take care of yourself and your family.

Hugs.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY LITTLESMURF:

"T" is an abbreviation for Therapy/Therapist.  If you look above at the menu bar, you will find a link to a Glossary for the website.  It can be helpful, as it takes some time to get used to all the abbreviations.

You sound like a wonderful daughter and you boyfriend sounds like a keeper.  You may have to assume that your mother won't change, so your happiness, the welfare of your son and maintaining a good relationship with your boyfirend will depend on the boundaries that you and your boyfriend agree on and enforce in a united manner.

There are a lot of resources on this Website that you will find helpful.  Check out the right margin on this page.  You will find links to a lot of helpful info.

Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG).  I think you will relate to the situation:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

He says he doesn't want her to leave, that we should be able to live all together in peace and we need to learn how to overcome this. . . . But he also ends up not telling me how he feels deep down and that scares me that one day we won't be able to take it any more.

. . .She can get very violent (not physically but verbally)

. . . . I just feel she gets jealous of my boyfriend. If one night he goes to bed early and I go as well and she stays in the living room watching TV by herself the next day she accuses me and says I always leave her alone.

. . .  That's the same thing she said when she mentioned renting the room 'I'll go but I will make his life a living hell'.  

. . . And I fear she would get possessive towards my son as she is with me.

The above excerpts from you post paint a very uncomfortable situation.  I'm so sorry you are going through this. It appears as if your mom will be upset no matter what you do.

A joint discussion with a therapist, could be helpful (with both you and your boyfriend).  You need to think about your child and how the violent outbursts might affect your child.  My dad had a bad temper and I was a sensitive/shy child.  It affected me in many ways.  I'm uncertain about the effect on my sister.  It didn't appear to bother her growing up, but she is the current one with the bad behavior and exhibits BPD behavior.

Best wishes.  Be strong and make your life the best it can be and take command of your happiness.

[Rock Chick]

My heart goes out to you. I can def. relate to some the things you have expressed in your posts. It is def. not easy having a BPD parent (rather ones own or the parent of the one your with) living in the same space/home. As well not easy dealing and darn right difficult dealing with their jealousness, abandonment issues, their loneliness issues, guilt tripping, childish behavior and thinking, threats, criticizing ones relationship and more. We had to realize that no matter if she lives with us or not or if we go away on vacation or just run up to the local store she is going to do what she is going to do... .rather that be drink, self harm or take her own life. We cant control it if she wants to do it she is gonna do it... .she is her own person and has to live with the consequences of her choices. At same time I know it is a struggle to have to deal with all this think about this because we still do care about our BPD despite all the emotional mental etc abuse. I think boundaries and limits are def. a good idea so I would suggest doing that and sticking to them. At end of the day we can only do so much then its up to the BPD in our life. We have to watch out for ourselves, our significant others and kids. I think that if things cant change with your mom soon then the best thing is getting her to move out and live somewhere else. It may hurt to make this happen and to deal with her reaction but in the long haul this is gonna be the best thing to do for your child, your s.o. and you. But all said only you can make the decision that is best for you. I wish u all the best and keep strong. We all here on this forum are here for you anytime u need us. Hugs.

[littlesmurf]

I will see how things go for now. Everything seems ok since our last disagreement but I decided if it happens again I am going to discuss family therapy with her. I know it would be easier giving up on her but I admit even though she has that horrible side to her, she is my mum and she's always been there for me. Plus she loves her grandson and I knew it's good for her to have his 'nana' in his life. I am just going to maintain boundaries and make it clear that we either make it work by ourselves or we will have to seek help.

Thank you all so much for the support!

[littlesmurf]

Side note: I am not sure what's available around our area for therapy but if it comes to that I can just talk to my doctor as I know they provide a lot of help with those sort of things and they usually offer free therapy as well.

Anyway this would be a bit of hard work since my mum's English is very basic and we would also have to look into interpreters if we wanted to go into therapy.

[Naughty Nibbler]

LITTLESMURF:

If you go to the "Learning Center" area on this website, there is a lot of useful information. If therapy isn't possible, then gathering tools/strategy for the future is the next best thing.

If you can get your mom into family therapy with you, that would be great.  A lot of people share my situation - the BPD in our life won't go to therapy, so we go alone and learn how to take care of our own needs and how to survive with a BPD in our life.

I'm glad that things seem to be okay with your mom now, but that doesn't mean that the lull in the storm will continue.  I think most of us here can identify with periods of time when things seem fine, and then fall apart.  It can become a cycle that makes life difficult, and the cycling back and forth is part of the disorder.

Best wishes.