He has SENSED the skip in my step and has come back to trip meGive me your hand

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

i cant believe it. or, maybe i can. short version: 9 years together, 4 months separated, 3 weeks since he notified me that he has a girlfriend (whom he loves very much-say what?)    n/c since the day that he told me this perplexing news. however, last night, a few simple e mails were exchanged (he contacted me) as to when he can pick up his last box, and have i filed for divorce.    my response was to the point:  box in garage, no i have not filed.     end of story , or so i thought.     a few minutes later, i get this e mail from him:  " well, i just celebrated 13 years of no alcohol, weed or cocaine. i know for anyone else, that date is just another day. for me, it is a miracle! "         now we all know that is an amazing feat for an addict, but why is he telling me that?   i want to say back to him, "great, but why are you telling me that?  go celebrate with the new chick!"    i also want to say, "yes, last week was an important week for me to. it was my freakin' birthday and u could not even shoot me a h. birthday note. so why am i supposed to remember/acknowledge your sobriety date?"      see the me  me, me in his e mail?     so frustrating.     ok, what do i say back?    " good job, now leave me alone?      should i not say anything?   i was just starting to get myself together, i saw a little sparkle in my eye and a skip in my step.   did he SENSE that and have to make sure i didnt get too situated and/or comfortable in my newfound freedom?  somethin' tells me the grass on the other side is having some weed problems.  i do know that the thought of me being with another man is not a pleasant one for him.    (but for him, it's fine and "what should i expect when i kicked him to the curb". what should i do, i am not real confident in my decision making skills right now as i am still in love with this man who cheats and lies. what the heck... .   do i respond? if so, what do i say?      if you leave it up to me, i will say... .  "hey! where you been? these last 4 months have not been painful enough for me, so come home so we can repeat the process!"

[londons]

i cant believe it. or, maybe i can. short version: 9 years together, 4 months separated, 3 weeks since he notified me that he has a girlfriend (whom he loves very much-say what?)    n/c since the day that he told me this perplexing news. however, last night, a few simple e mails were exchanged (he contacted me) as to when he can pick up his last box, and have i filed for divorce.    my response was to the point:  box in garage, no i have not filed.     end of story , or so i thought.     a few minutes later, i get this e mail from him:  " well, i just celebrated 13 years of no alcohol, weed or cocaine. i know for anyone else, that date is just another day. for me, it is a miracle! "         now we all know that is an amazing feat for an addict, but why is he telling me that?   i want to say back to him, "great, but why are you telling me that?  go celebrate with the new chick!"    i also want to say, "yes, last week was an important week for me to. it was my freakin' birthday and u could not even shoot me a h. birthday note. so why am i supposed to remember/acknowledge your sobriety date?"      see the me  me, me in his e mail?     so frustrating.     ok, what do i say back?    " good job, now leave me alone?      should i not say anything?   i was just starting to get myself together, i saw a little sparkle in my eye and a skip in my step.   did he SENSE that and have to make sure i didnt get too situated and/or comfortable in my newfound freedom?  somethin' tells me the grass on the other side is having some weed problems.  i do know that the thought of me being with another man is not a pleasant one for him.    (but for him, it's fine and "what should i expect when i kicked him to the curb". what should i do, i am not real confident in my decision making skills right now as i am still in love with this man who cheats and lies. what the heck... .   do i respond? if so, what do i say?      if you leave it up to me, i will say... .  "hey! where you been? these last 4 months have not been painful enough for me, so come home so we can repeat the process!"

[once removed]

i know your head is spinning right now londons, but you made a pretty good decision just the other day, pat yourself on the back

do you know if this was a mass email sent to anyone else? if so, i wouldnt respond.

in my opinion, a response isnt required anyway.

if you want to respond, id keep it BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm... .but probably more like BF (brief, friendly)).

the choice is yours, really. you can tell him to leave you alone if you want. it might create unnecessary drama though. if it were me id either reply with "cool!" or no reply at all.

[zeus123]

No reply at all sends the loudest message that you have moved on and he won't matter for you anymore(even if he still does). Stay with no contact, be the exception!. No matter what you do or say you can't help someone that has an impaired/distorted brain.

[londons]

good morning once, thank you for your quick response. it was not a group e mail. we would celebrate these milestones in his aa meetings and it truly is a miracle for him to stay away from drugs (he experiences shoulder pain and non stop noise in his head -awful).   he is looking to me for the encouragement, praise and excitement he once received me from me concerning his everyday accomplishments, not just sobriety.   but for once, now i am bestowing that encouragement on myself!    it is killing me to not share some with him, but something tells me it's the right thing to do.   it surely is not for a lack of caring, i love this man with all my heart.    but if i were to take him back, i would lack that trust i so (foolishly) held firmly to throughout our marriage.    and from what i'm learning, even if he "behaved" for a while, i would see the traits resurface.    i cant do this over again.     im 4 months in.     i hope this makes sense.    i love that "cool" word you suggested.    it actually is the perfect word!     but... .it opens up... .a response... . from him... . and then i will be tapping you on the shoulder again , saying, "ok once removed, what do i say to THIS statement from him?"   do u see what i'm saying?    my goodness, it seems so heartless to not respond to such an amazing achievement on his part.   i am a teacher... .it feels like a student is coming up to me after an amazing home run , and in all his excitement, i simply stare at him with no response.   the discomfort is tangible.   then again, my ex has his family, his aa friends, his girlfriend (?) to deliver this good news to. they can cheer him on, i guess.  why is he reaching out to me? habit?  i think it's best if i dont respond because i know he will have a comeback (such as, "how are you doing?" )  and it will open a can of worms-  where would it stop?     it would be much easier tho , if i were disgusted by him, like i should be.  i cant believe i am concerned with his feelings on this matter.   he sure wasnt concerned with mine when he replaced me.    thank u once removed, but if i respond to my ex , i am afraid you may be calling me "twice removed".

[WoundedBibi]

He has chosen to be with someone else. She can cheer him on now.

Friendly chitchat is not a BPD trait; there is a snake in the grass. Maybe not a premeditated snake, but still a snake.

No response would be my advice. He wanted to know about the box and the divorce. The practical stuff. There is no need for anything else. When you file for divorce your lawyer will contact his.

[once removed]

your gut is telling you not to respond. id trust it. you are likely right that any response opens up more conversation. or maybe you reply, get no response, and feel  

i know it feels uncomfortable not replying. id feel the same way. as an outsider reading it, it would not be heartless to not reply. its not open ended, there is no question asked, he sent it, you read it, thats all it has to be. if he wants to follow up he will, and you can decide where to go from there, and we will be here to help; i understand the impact this all has on ones decision making process.

why he reached out one can only speculate. its possible after communicating with you, and also not receiving a reply, he is testing the waters in some form. maybe in his mind all is forgiven. whatever the reason, it is self serving and its not very considerate toward you.

my ex has his family, his aa friends, his girlfriend (?) to deliver this good news to. they can cheer him on, i guess.  

[FannyB]

I can think of some guys in work whose idea of bliss would be a steady girlfriend and a lover 'on the side'. None of these guys appear to have a personality disorder - that's just the way they roll.


Fanny

[steelwork]

I can think of some guys in work whose idea of bliss would be a steady girlfriend and a lover 'on the side'. None of these guys appear to have a personality disorder - that's just the way they roll.


Fanny

Maybe, but... .as is often observed, personality disorders occur on a spectrum. I would not say it's an emotionally healthy way to roll.

And when "having someone in the wings" is listed as a goal in a therapeutic context... .to me that says abandonment issues, big-time.