Introducing Myself

[Depression = 72% of members]

With Mother's Day quickly approaching I figured this was a good time to reach out to others for support. My mother fits the criteria for BPD. This a revelation I have recently come to. We have gone NC (somewhat) since Feb. it's been pretty quiet- no emails or texts from my mom until a couple of days ago. Her email was an attempt at reconciliation and I'm sure attempting to be proactive in assuring a Mother's Day gift since that's how she measures a person's love. My response to her email was basically reiterating my boundaries from my last email to her (4 months ago). She has trampled over every boundary and still refuses to seek counseling. The next 6 emails (I didn't respond to any of them) were nasty grams and downright harassment. Last night I received another email- softer in tone and in general reminding me she has depression and this is why she does the things that she does- yada, yada, yada. This is the usual pattern. Blow up, send nasty emails and texts, calms down and sends an apology (but always blaming medication, depression, or me for treating her so badly or making her so mad). Then there is a calm before the next storm and it happens all over again. I am no longer participating in this drama filled cycle. I responded to the most recent email with the comment- "This may be the reason why but that doesn't mean anyone should agree to be on the receiving end of such hostility." This was followed up with three nasty grams. I haven't responded to any of them and I don't intend on reconciling just because it's Mother's Day weekend. FYI- I am an only child so she will be furious about this.

I'm hoping to get through a difficult weekend with as little damage as possible. Thanks for being here:-)

[SoulSister68]

With Mother's Day quickly approaching I figured this was a good time to reach out to others for support. My mother fits the criteria for BPD. This a revelation I have recently come to. We have gone NC (somewhat) since Feb. it's been pretty quiet- no emails or texts from my mom until a couple of days ago. Her email was an attempt at reconciliation and I'm sure attempting to be proactive in assuring a Mother's Day gift since that's how she measures a person's love. My response to her email was basically reiterating my boundaries from my last email to her (4 months ago). She has trampled over every boundary and still refuses to seek counseling. The next 6 emails (I didn't respond to any of them) were nasty grams and downright harassment. Last night I received another email- softer in tone and in general reminding me she has depression and this is why she does the things that she does- yada, yada, yada. This is the usual pattern. Blow up, send nasty emails and texts, calms down and sends an apology (but always blaming medication, depression, or me for treating her so badly or making her so mad). Then there is a calm before the next storm and it happens all over again. I am no longer participating in this drama filled cycle. I responded to the most recent email with the comment- "This may be the reason why but that doesn't mean anyone should agree to be on the receiving end of such hostility." This was followed up with three nasty grams. I haven't responded to any of them and I don't intend on reconciling just because it's Mother's Day weekend. FYI- I am an only child so she will be furious about this.

I'm hoping to get through a difficult weekend with as little damage as possible. Thanks for being here:-)

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi SoulSister68

Welcome on board! Sounds like you are dealing with the drama that comes along with a pwBPD. It is quite a relief and validation when you finally find some information to help you feel like you are not the crazy one. You will find kindred spirits here, and listening ears with help from their own experience. I know it was quite a shock to me when I stumbled across the definition of BPD. How did you find out? Is your dad still living and is he aware?


Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey SoulSister68:

Sorry about the situation with your mom.  I can identify with being tired about going through the same cycles over and over again.  I'm in very limited contact with my uBPD sis and will go NC within a few months.  I can't keep starting over, as if nothing happened, without talking about specific events. My sister won't go to counseling either.  She has a problem with depression too and gets meds from her primary care doctor.  Sometimes, I wish the primary care doctors would make their patients have a visit with a psychiatrist, before they continue to prescribe psychiatric meds to their patients for years.  

I'd love to have a joint session with a family counselor and talk through some specifics, but I think hell will freeze over first.  I know we can't fix them, but at least having a chance to speak to them with a referee in the room (therapist), would be therapeutic for us.

You sound firm with your boundaries.  Try to minimize your stress this weekend and do something fun or relaxing.  Being an only child and NC with your mom can make you feel like an orphan.  I can empathize with that, as both my parents recently passed and NC with my only sibling equates to being an orphan of sorts.

Take care.  There are a lot of helpful people here and lots of helpful info.  I'm on a bit of a learning curve, but I'm sure someone else will have something helpful to add.  

[Turkish]

Though my mom hasn't been nast to me since I was a teenager living wither, she has used the excuse of mental illness to explain (absolve?) many odd behaviors. My Ex used to as well, citing her "sickness." A member here who is a recovered borderline once wrote that pwBPD should be held accountable for their actions. My T said, "there's nothing wrong with being kind." There is also nothing wrong with asserting boundaries, as you aren't responsible for your mother's feelings. This is all something I struggle with from time to time. Perhaps this can help:

Workshop - US: Can we hold the mentally ill responsible for what they do?

Turkish

[SoulSister68]

My mom divorced my dad when I was very young. She has spent the rest of her life hating him and making sure that I did too. Things seemed to take a turn for the worst about 15 years ago when her financial situation hit bottom. She is a spendaholoic and she was out of savings, maxed credit cards, and limited retirement income. She wanted to continue her same lifestyle with my income as her new line of credit. when I started to say no and hold her accountable for her own financial messes that's when everything started to spiral downwards. She has been diagnosed as having mild dementia but her actions seemed so calculating that I felt there had to more to her behavior than dementia. While looking for books on the topic of "difficult parents" I came across How to Stop Walking on Eggshells. It was an aha moment for me and I felt like I finally had answers.

Thank  you Turkish for the link- I will be reading up on that this afternoon. I'm so glad I found this web site and board! Thank you to all who responded:-)

[SoulSister68]

Turkish- that link doesn't work for me. I get the msg- "The topic or board you are looking for appears to be either missing or off limits to you."

[Turkish]

Turkish- that link doesn't work for me. I get the msg- "The topic or board you are looking for appears to be either missing or off limits to you."

It's on the Personal Inventory Board, which you will be able to access after you make 10 posts.

Sorry for the tease... .wasn't paying attention where it was. I do have a dog brain, after all  but stick around 

This discussion, hosted by a recovered pwBPD, is kind of in the same vein. It's actually a good discussion for anyone who has a pwBPD in their life, of any relation. The quote link will take you to the whole thread:

Thanks, HG. I'm not ruling out the possibility that some BPs are consciously choosing to be "evil" (mean, nasty, willfully destructive), tho I tend to equate that more with NPD/APD, but that's my personal prejudice.

I think that it is also critical that we understand the twisted thinking.

Skip has reminded us all, on many occasions, that the 10 forms of Twisted Thinking come from David Burns' book on depression and that 74% of bpdfamily members are depressed. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0

But that aside, I do think there is an awful lot of knee-jerk reaction to deep-seated fears going on in the pwBPD. Of course, that's no excuse for their (our) behavior. To me, therapy and recovery are getting to the point of understanding "triggers" and preventing them, and then eventually not even being fazed by them because one is no longer stuck in the sorta fight vs. flight belief mode.

As a personal aside, I once believed almost all of those 20 assumptions (now, none of them are true for me). What a lonely, scary, hellish world it was to believe those things... .to not be able to trust anyone, to hate oneself, to be afraid nearly all of the time. It's a pitiful existence, made so much worse when one abuses or leaves those who want to help the most.

[mantamoo]

Hi SoulSister68,

           I am new to this site too. I also am new to the BPD thing in general also. I hope your Mother's Day went well, and without harassment. I am currently working towards NC with my Mom as well. It's hard, but sticking to boundaries, and distance seems like the way to go in these situations.