Dating my Way through the ...and you can too

[Depression = 72% of members]

After a devastating break-up this time last year with BPD man I can now report that I have just ended a 7 month relationship with someone who has paranoid personality disorder... .

Schizophrenics, addicts... .

I can honestly say I'm in ground hog day dating my was through the DSM.

For what purpose?  I'll let you know when I figure it out... .

Or I'll be dead because next on the list may be a psychopath.

(On an interesting note I did notice red flags this time... .)

[gah]

After a devastating break-up this time last year with BPD man I can now report that I have just ended a 7 month relationship with someone who has paranoid personality disorder... .

Schizophrenics, addicts... .

I can honestly say I'm in ground hog day dating my was through the DSM.

For what purpose?  I'll let you know when I figure it out... .

Or I'll be dead because next on the list may be a psychopath.

(On an interesting note I did notice red flags this time... .)

[WoundedBibi]

I can relate.

Looking back I can say I have never had a really healthy relationship. But where in the past the men were just emotionally unavailable, half of a twin where the other half died, adopted, son of someone who was adopted and therefore brought up too sheltered, with some traits of BPD or NPD, and all drinking too much and some using drugs, the last decade it is getting out of hand.

Since my mum died actually. I have calmed down and lost my BPD traits (triggered again in relationships) but my choice of men has become worse. As if I have to compensate for my own calmness. The calmer I get the crazier they get. I took a 7 year break in that decade of no relationships. Did not help a thing.

Apart from the factors of my mum dying (there has to be something there) and me trying to compensate for the lack of internal chaos (thank you gah for giving me this epiphany while writing) I have always been drawn to the wounded men. It's recognition. They are me. I think subconsciously they will understand me, I feel their pain and want to make it better for them as no one has done for me (another epiphany, gosh gah... ). And of course I'm trying to recreate the dynamics from my FOO. Desperately trying to get the love I missed as a child, trying to get a different outcome, so I search for an actor to be my parents and fight it out with.

Actually it's not weird at all I end up with BPD guys; sensitive on one end (my dad), cold and angry on the other (my mum), controlling and giving the silent treatment (my mum), manipulating (my dad), rejecting me (my mum), feeling rejected (my dad), both trying to claim me for themselves when I was older, understanding somehow what they long for but not able to voice it (my mum), not understanding what they long for and not being able to communicate so moping around toddler style (my dad), traumatized to the core (both)... A BPD person is like my parents rolled into one.

So I have some work to do...

It's all about healing old wounds as best possible.

And then probably finding someone I will still play out the same dynamics with as member eeks has posted about, but going into it with eyes open and tools in my backpack, and making sure it is someone who realizes exactly the same and is willingly to put in the work too as adult love is a verb, especially if you've had a difficult start in life. So 'damaged goods crazy' like me is acceptable as long as it a guy that has done work on himself and is willing to work on 'us' but 'PD crazy' is not acceptable.

I read in a earlier post you gave up therapy because it is too painful. It isn't fun. But if we ever want to get through this and have something resembling a healthy relationship and not end up with the next absolute fruitcake or dead, therapy really is the only way IMO.

Thank you gah. Giving you an answer gave me some really good insights.

[Fr4nz]

Prior to the 1,5 years r/s with my ex uHPD/BPD gf, I had a 9 year relationship with another girl. Even during this r/s I had numerous fights and dramas, mostly caused by the incredible jealousy of this girl. I thought she had an obsession for this.

Indeed, recently she told me that she's going to a T, since she was repeating the same patterns with her current boyfriend, and told me the T diagnosed her with OCD.

Guess that, somehow, I was addicted to dramas and fights, the highs and lows and the make up sex... .however, I'm quite changed now; looking for peace and harmony

[once removed]

i can relate as well.

first serious girlfriend had intimacy issues, had an endless list of past "stalkers", was vindictive, had played push/pull with me, was a bit more promiscuous than im comfortable with, and that was all before i was ever with her.

the second was a person i cant conjure up anything but disdain for. a very, very selfish and self centered person. a person that fundamentally doesnt like herself and knows it. i went through about two years of on again off again agony over her, and my self esteem really crumbled. until i got out. i was about eighteen and felt as mentally strong as perhaps i ever had. my life just bloomed over night.

the third was totally different (think waify). i had reservations about her too, but i really let my guard down eventually, and fell head over heels. it did a huge number on me when she left me and replaced me. to this day, i experience occasional dreams about her.

so i took, like WoundedBibi, a break from relationships. i was terrified of ever feeling that pain again and i didnt trust myself. i prayed to god for my own benefit that romantic relationships not even be available to me until i was ready, and if i had to wait for it to be "the one", id gladly do so.

there came a day where i actually woke up and said im ready, "even if it means another "crazy" one". i chose my uBPDex who i can assure you, i had seen more than enough red flags from. a large part of it, i think, was testing my ability to walk away from an unhealthy relationship since i never had before. i failed that test, and the rest is history.

so thats where youre supposed to learn and never make that mistake again, right?

a year after my ex i ran into a girl from high school. ill just say that this is the most outwardly dangerous/crazy person i have ever been involved with. she is a self described narcissist among other things. on one hand i didnt get too involved or in too deep. things had definitely changed in me, but i wasnt necessarily making better choices. it ended relatively amicably. about a year ago i saw the damage she did to a boyfriends face with a hammer and the social media smear campaign she proceeded to wage.

and then a year after that i got... .if you can call it that, involved with a gal who, again, had very different values and life experience, and who i had more than reservations about. she wasnt dangerous. she does have intimacy issues. she has hurt past partners without much remorse, and i felt kinda used by her too.

in both of those cases i made very clear cut mistakes that i can say i have learned from. i was vulnerable. too eager. i did some things right too.

ive been single by choice for some years now. i have ongoing medical problems and im in no place to date whatsoever even if i wanted to. when im better, my priorities are making new friends, memories, and experiences, and playing serious catch up in my academic and professional life. i would like to be in a place where 99% of the girls id meet would register as an obstacle to the life im trying to build, and the 1% would compliment and add to that life.

perhaps most importantly, i am past my fear of opening up, or ever being hurt again. that leaves a person in an emotionally unavailable place, for an otherwise healthy and emotionally available partner. im not afraid of making mistakes, ive learned invaluable lessons and im sure i have more to learn.

i also see the reality of mental illness. i believe the statistic is 26% of people that would, at a given time in their lives, meet the diagnostic criteria for any mental illness. im not going to be a hermit or see the world in terms of predator and prey. in the case of BPD, its not always outwardly obvious. could i become romantically involved again on some level with a girl with BPD traits? sure i could. i now have a much better navigation system. i have far greater insight into what makes me tick and what im attracted to, my own unhealthy patterns. my intuition is more finely honed, i am more in tune with it, and my boundaries are stronger. im not hyper vigilant for red flags, but i do heed them. i simply wont involve myself in "too fast too soon". i also own the needy/clingy/over eager behavior ive displayed. i have genuinely and permanently changed; i cant unlearn what i have learned and i know i wont make the same mistakes.

what i mean is not that im looking to get into a relationship with the wrong person and try to make things right (ive been doing that all my life); far from it. im just confident ill make mistakes in the future. i can and almost certainly will be hurt again. getting over that fear was a monumental milestone for me.

to quote tom petty, "but im not afraid anymore. its only a broken heart."

you wanta tell us what happened gah?

[gah]

Wow!  Thank you all for sharing your stories.  Wow!  Amazing insights, crappy pain... .

My therapist says it appears I'm living 100 lives in one.  When my friends found out there's the old, "oh no, not again".  

I recently thought maybe I should try same sex (thinking about repeating the same thing and expecting different results... .)  

I put up a profile online and found someone I thought would be worth exploring... .until I found out her name, which clearly I Googled.  

Guess what?  She's quoted all over the place for spending addiction related to her bi-polar disorder.  

I will not be meeting her and will likely take some time off.  I'm not bi anyway, so it was a stupid idea punctuated by the fact that I have this amazing addict/mental illness sniffer even from photos.  

What happened with Paranoid guy... .

I am jealous but this guy was off the charts. For example,  I mentioned that I had a crush on Robert Downey Jr.  (of course I do he's an addict) and my now ex-bf blew-up.  I thought he was kidding so I said I'd call him from my Bat phone.  Clearly, the wrong thing to say.  

He thought I was up late at night chatting with boys, out places when I was somewhere else and none of it was true.If I even mentioned an ex there was world war 3. The straw for me was he was sure I went somewhere, I unequivocally proved I wasn't and after he genuinely thought I used it as a ruse to be somewhere else.  I was home sleeping at 10pm.  He thought I was 1.5 hours away but I offered to have coffee with him at 9:30pm.  (Obv. I also own a batmobile or time warp device )... .

He was paranoid if I even looked at another person.  There was gaslighting and a lot of conversations that didn't make logical sense, he thought I was an escort at one point (I am 46 and a business woman), hated that I have a past, we'd break-up every week on a Thursday cycle.  He has serious intimacy issues - including sexual.  The last two months I'm pretty sure he hated me.  Then he hated that I was still friends with a few exes from years ago.  Literally every day he'd rake me over the coals because they were exes - I hadn't even talked to them since before I got together with this guy.  Then the icing on the cake was the projection... .he was texting with his most recent ex, and I don't think he was cheating but needed the external validation.  Honestly, I think he did it to "get me back" for perceived slights.

I think I'm doing ok, because like you I was never really available mentally.  I think I was waiting for the other shoe and saw red flags early on.  I am so guarded and do not want to feel anything.  I just feel like I have to keep moving... .not to get sucked into the mire of darkness again.

I know I have not dealt with ex-Bpd boyfriend, whom I truly miss but we all know never existed.

I'm still not seeing my therapist.  She is amazing and sends me stuff and I send her updates. I'm very lucky to have her support when I'm ready.  I'm not.  I like not feeling.