So, yesterday I saw my dBPDexgf. My friend celebrated his birthday in the same bar where her friend celebrated his. Nice little gathering.
We broke up 5 months ago - I left and started NC, had a closure talk 3 months ago with few friendly texts and NC again. She wanted to continue the r/s so NC was the only choice for me.
When I entered the bar, I was greeting people around and stopped to talk to some people I didn't see for a long time. During our conversation I noticed her. I cannot be 100% sure but I think she saw me but pretended like she didn't.
Then, I went to say hello. She looked very suprised that I am here. But she was glad, no doubt.
We talked few minutes, she says that she is feeling better, she is not in therapy anymore. During those few minutes there was one moment of dreamboat eye contact. It may sound pathetic but it was very close that we both start crying.
We hugged and I went to my group of friends in different section of the bar.
After some time we changed the bar.
At this other bar I was trying to not think about her and our conversation. But like you can guess that was impossible. I needed some time alone and I left the party. As soon as I went out I started crying. Something in me just erupted, totally strange feeling. I just needed that venting moment for few minutes and I was OK then. I went home and this morning I see that she messaged me saying how glad is she to see me. I responded in the similar way and that's it.
One of the most important things in this is the fact that I now know that she is not in therapy. When I was leaving her one of the hardest things for me was the fact that she is in therapy (altough I can see now that that was not BPD oriented therapy and it is not enough to handle her BPD) and I hoped... .For what? I don't know exactly but I hoped for something. Just that fact gave me some hope and it was hard for me to leave.
Yesterday I realized several things:
She really is better. She is not healthy, but she is better. Closeness and r/s are major triggers for her and this is when BPD goes crazy.
I am now pretty sure that she is not completely aware of the complete scope of her issues and how to solve them, considering that she stopped therapy just because she feels a bit better and under control.
But the most important thing is that I realized that this is not enough for me. I want more. I could have spend the night with her yesterday, and it would be beautiful, we could start the r/s again but soon it would be the same. I mean I knew that as a fact even before by learning about BPD, but the difference is that I believe I really
felt this yesterday and today. I think this is good step in my detachment process
