My partner pushed me, leave?

[Sanna]

After living for 2 years in an emotional rollercoaster, I finally figured out that my husband has borderline. He has 8 of 9 symptoms, and is a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. The loving person makes me stay, but Mr Hyde is soon driving me away, don´t know what to do... .the worst things are that he is very controlling, jealous and suspicious. Some of my friends took off, we are never invited to family events or other social events, because he behaves very strange around other people. He hates when I see my friends alone, so that I reduced to a minimum because I don´t want to fight. I read a couple of good books about BPD, and tries to follow the advices, specially to prevent fights. That just made me feel like he could walk all over me, maybe I did something wrong... .anyway... .our last fight was horrible, he gave me the could shoulder, refused to speak with me, walked out of the room when I entered, for some reason that I didn´t understand. (of course) . When I asked him to explain himself, he started his usual routine that is I am wrong for him, he will leave and find a better wife, I am bad, I am a whore, I have no class, and so on. (don´t remember all the horrible things, thanks to god) Finally, despite all the advices in the books, I packed a bag and was planning to take off. I couldn´t stand one more second in this hostile environment. He got furious, tried to block my way, screamed very loud, threatend me, and pushed me so I fell to the floor. He also pinched me very hard on my arm.He is very scary when angry.  I kept calm, and told him I am not afraid of him, and took my bag and left.

We are back together now, but I am confused... .everyone says I should leave him, and a part of me does also, but another part wants to stay... .please give me some advice. Somewhere I have hopes for the future, and that he will change, though that I know " I shouldn´t" wish for that. Anyone else who has been in the same situation?

[formflier]

Sanna,



I am glad you have found us!  Your situation certainly sounds upsetting and emotionally draining. 

I first hope you understand that you are among friends and people that understand your situation.  You are safe to speak freely and plainly here.

Also understand that most of us came here under similar circumstances, where we were at our whits end and looking for something to give us hope.

You can find hope here!  You can find "rules" and strategies that can make your relationship better and help you discern if the relationship is one that you should continue in or not.

And here is the best part.  You don't need your partners cooperation for any of this.  Certainly it will help if he is cooperative, but it is not required.

Please understand that when we suggest a different "method" of dealing with your husband that we are not suggesting that his behavior is your fault.

What we do want you to understand is that your actions and reactions are part of a dynamic that has become more and more dysfunctional over time.  Your husband is "getting something" from it and if you change your behavior, it is likely he will change his.

We will teach you about becoming the emotional leader in the relationship and about using boundaries to protect your emotional health.

If you noticed, I didn't answer your question about staying or going.  We've got work to do to get you ready to make that decision.

pwBPD (people with BPD) seemingly speak a language that is foreign to us.  We'll help you learn that language.  We'll help you take back your value and identity in the r/s.

How does this sound to you?

Is there a behavior that you would like advice on first?  What bugs you the most?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I'm glad you've found us, Sanna. Please keep posting more about your story. Are there any children involved? Please read read the links in the box on the right side of the page if you haven't done so already.

My relationship with my ex-husband was very similar to what you describe. What concerns me is the physical abuse that has begun in your relationship. From my experience, once that happens, it easily can get worse.

It's hard to predict the future, but you now know what he is capable of and the question is do you want to live this way? I, too, harbored hope for the future with my ex. I thought if I just loved him enough, he would change. It didn't happen and things continued to get worse and finally I left. I regret that I didn't leave many years earlier.

My current husband has BPD too, how lucky can I get? However, he's far more functional than my first. Because of my prior experiences, I have less tolerance for bad behavior, and frankly, I don't think he'd ever behave the way my first husband did. So what I'm living with is merely annoying, not damaging.

Please take care of yourself. You deserve to have outside friendships--which is something that people with BPD are often threatened by. Please keep posting and tell us more.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sanna, Welcome!  Sure, many of us have been in your shoes, believe me.  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, though it sounds quite familiar to my marriage to a pwBPD.  We can't tell you what to do, I'm afraid, and everyone has to find their own path, though we can help you along the way.  The best place to start, in my view, is with yourself.  By that I mean to start caring for yourself again, which is something often neglected in the throes of a BPD r/s.  Return the focus to YOU.  It's not selfish to pay attention to your own needs.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Reach out to friends and family.  Learn about boundaries.  There is plenty of info on this site.  Know that many have been down this path before you.

LuckyJim

[Sanna]

Sanna,



I am glad you have found us!  Your situation certainly sounds upsetting and emotionally draining. 

I first hope you understand that you are among friends and people that understand your situation.  You are safe to speak freely and plainly here.

Also understand that most of us came here under similar circumstances, where we were at our whits end and looking for something to give us hope.

You can find hope here!  You can find "rules" and strategies that can make your relationship better and help you discern if the relationship is one that you should continue in or not.

And here is the best part.  You don't need your partners cooperation for any of this.  Certainly it will help if he is cooperative, but it is not required.

Please understand that when we suggest a different "method" of dealing with your husband that we are not suggesting that his behavior is your fault.

What we do want you to understand is that your actions and reactions are part of a dynamic that has become more and more dysfunctional over time.  Your husband is "getting something" from it and if you change your behavior, it is likely he will change his.

We will teach you about becoming the emotional leader in the relationship and about using boundaries to protect your emotional health.

If you noticed, I didn't answer your question about staying or going.  We've got work to do to get you ready to make that decision.

pwBPD (people with BPD) seemingly speak a language that is foreign to us.  We'll help you learn that language.  We'll help you take back your value and identity in the r/s.

How does this sound to you?

Is there a behavior that you would like advice on first?  What bugs you the most?

FF

WOW I feel so relieved and happy when I read this! I feel so lonely with my problems, my friends (the few I have left) and my family just say I should leave him and treat me like I´m a brainwashed victim.

The biggest problem right now, is that I feel I´m in a prison, as he gets so upset as soon I want to do anything by myself. Go and see a friend, take a walk, this small things are almost impossible. When we are at home after work, he just wants to have dinner and sit really close to me in the sofa and watch TV. That is not my ideal way of spending time, but it´s so hard to motivate him to do something else. He started a very demanding work 3 months ago, after 2 years  not working, so he is very drained. But binge eating (he gained 20 kg) and not exercising doesn´t make things better... .I don´t want to live like that, but even doing other things in the flat upsets him. "you don´t want to spend time with me when we finally are free". He is very controlling, and wants to hear exactly how I spent my day, whom I talked to, if it was a man, if he hit on me, and so on, like a broken record... .so draining. He wants me to stop my acupuncture treatment, because it´s a man doing it. He is really obsessing about that now. And the second thing is his grumpy, bad mood that he easily falls into... .it is so uncomfortable to be around him then. He doesn´t communicate, just stare with an angry face in his computer with no explanation. Then I just want to leave the flat for a walk, for example, but then he freaks totally, gets really angry and sometimes pushes me. I am so thankful for any advice!

[Sanna]

Hey Sanna, Welcome!  Sure, many of us have been in your shoes, believe me.  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, though it sounds quite familiar to my marriage to a pwBPD.  We can't tell you what to do, I'm afraid, and everyone has to find their own path, though we can help you along the way.  The best place to start, in my view, is with yourself.  By that I mean to start caring for yourself again, which is something often neglected in the throes of a BPD r/s.  Return the focus to YOU.  It's not selfish to pay attention to your own needs.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Reach out to friends and family.  Learn about boundaries.  There is plenty of info on this site.  Know that many have been down this path before you.

LuckyJim

Thank you LuckyJim! Yes, I reallly understand what you mean, I totally forgot about myself... .the problem is , that he hates when I spend time with friends and family without him, I know a big fight always will come when this happens... .I am so happy for any advice, I read a lot about BPD, and will take your advice to look around here!

[formflier]

 

I'm glad you posted more about your situation.

There is hope for it to get better. 

Couple links to do some reading on.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206


I realize that you feel like you are in prison.  You are right to feel that way with such controlling behavior going on.  We can help you "get out".  It is very important that you understand "why" we make the recommendations that we do.   That is the purpose of the link above, so that you can start to understand the dynamics that are going on.  Most importantly, that you can understand your role in those dynamics, because you control your role, 100%.

Please don't try to make any changes to your patterns for a week or so.  The speed of change is not what is important.  CONSISTENCY is the key.  If he challenges or pushes back on the changes and you sometimes "crumble", that is worse than not making a change at all.

How often does he push you?  That is concerning.  Need more info on this.

FF

[Sanna]

I'm glad you've found us, Sanna. Please keep posting more about your story. Are there any children involved? Please read read the links in the box on the right side of the page if you haven't done so already.

My relationship with my ex-husband was very similar to what you describe. What concerns me is the physical abuse that has begun in your relationship. From my experience, once that happens, it easily can get worse.

It's hard to predict the future, but you now know what he is capable of and the question is do you want to live this way? I, too, harbored hope for the future with my ex. I thought if I just loved him enough, he would change. It didn't happen and things continued to get worse and finally I left. I regret that I didn't leave many years earlier.

My current husband has BPD too, how lucky can I get? However, he's far more functional than my first. Because of my prior experiences, I have less tolerance for bad behavior, and frankly, I don't think he'd ever behave the way my first husband did. So what I'm living with is merely annoying, not damaging.

Please take care of yourself. You deserve to have outside friendships--which is something that people with BPD are often threatened by. Please keep posting and tell us more.

Thank you so much for your answer! I am so happy I found this site! It´s so weird, I have a feeling like if I just go through the suffering long enough, a reward will wait for me at the end... .I just start to realize that this reward will never appear... .thanks to god, there are no children involved... .well, my lovely little baby grandson, but so far he has no bad experiences.

My controlling husband feels threaten by the little baby! He can get very jealous when I baby sit him. "You should take care of your husband instead"... .WOW.

I don´t know if I am stupid, but I really don´t know how to answer here without pressing "quote"... .? 

[Sanna]

I'm glad you posted more about your situation.

There is hope for it to get better. 

Couple links to do some reading on.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206


I realize that you feel like you are in prison.  You are right to feel that way with such controlling behavior going on.  We can help you "get out".  It is very important that you understand "why" we make the recommendations that we do.   That is the purpose of the link above, so that you can start to understand the dynamics that are going on.  Most importantly, that you can understand your role in those dynamics, because you control your role... .100%.

Please don't try to make any changes to your patterns for a week or so.  The speed of change is not what is important.  CONSISTENCY is the key.  If he challenges or pushes back on the changes and you sometimes "crumble", that is worse than not making a change at all.

How often does he push you?  That is concerning.  Need more info on this.

FF

Thanks! I ´ve started to read! Very interesting. It happened twice, actually, the pushing. First time I didn´t fall down, but this time I did, and he grabbed my arm hard as well. He was so angry and out of control, because I wanted to leave the flat to get out of the bad situations. I am so thankful for your help! I have nobody else to speak with about this.

[formflier]

  because I wanted to leave the flat to get out of the bad situations.

Can you take this situation and back up 30 minutes or so from the time of the pushing.  Can you give us as much detail as you can.  I said this, he said that, I did this, he did that.

That will help us determine some first steps in having a healthier reaction next time.

I am so thankful for your help! I have nobody else to speak with about this.

This will be another thing to address.  Have you ever been to therapy? 

Tell me about your friends.  Perhaps there is a difference in mutual friends (shared by your and your SO) and your friends that you have know for a long time. 

Are you ready to begin your journey?

I don't want to say that it will be hard, but it certainly will be different and challenging, because you will be learning a "foreign language".

FF

[Sanna]

  because I wanted to leave the flat to get out of the bad situations.

Can you take this situation and back up 30 minutes or so from the time of the pushing.  Can you give us as much detail as you can.  I said this, he said that... .I did this... he did that.

That will help us determine some first steps in having a healthier reaction next time.


This will be another thing to address.  Have you ever been to therapy? 

Tell me about your friends.  Perhaps there is a difference in mutual friends (shared by your and your SO) and your friends that you have know for a long time. 

Are you ready to begin your journey?

I don't want to say that it will be hard, but it certainly will be different and challenging, because you will be learning a "foreign language".

FF

Whole day he refused to talk to me, when I came in to the room, he left. He didn´t want to eat with me either. I asked several times what the problem was, no answer. I know he was obsessed with the fact that he found out that I had a one night stand 25 years ago (!) And he was also exhausted because he insisted to go with me 2 late nights when I had to work, though I said I didn´t need any help, and that he would be better relaxing at home, as he needs to go up very early. So  there were many factors involved that affected the whole thing.

Anyway: he fell asleep during his clam session, so I left to pick up a bike from the station. Weather was nice, so I took a little ride in the neighborhood. He called me at the phone twice, and was upset and suspicious. "Who are you with? Where exactly are you now?". I went home, he spoke for the first time: "Make me some coffee". I got mad, and said I wasn´t his help, and that he could make his own coffee, and that I felt like his property,, that he didn´t give a ___ when I was around, but when I was out he was concerned that his property wasn´t in front of him. Not very mature, I know, but I was so upset about the whole situation.

Then I don´t remember what we said, he did his old routine (he does it every time he is mad at me) that I am wrong for him, I am bad, has no class, bad background,  he is only with me because he has no other option, "give me one month and I am gone", and so on. I said it was not necessary to wait one month, we can separate now if he wanted.

He said no. I said something like "I can´t stand one more minute with you" and started to pack a bag. Then he got furious, and stood in front of the door to prevent me from leaving, and shouted at me and said I wasn´t allowed to leave. I asked him to give me one reason to stay , and he said " because I say so". I said it wasn´t a reason for me, and that I will only stay if I want to and if I want to leave, I am going to.

Then he pushed me so I fell. I yelled "you pushed me" ! He said" yes, you can write that down " or something like that. Then he grabbed my arm and shoulder very hard and forced me to sit down.

I yelled that he hurt me. He said that I could write that down also. I said calmly that I wasn´t afraid of him, and that I decide if I will leave the flat or not, not he. He left the room, and I went out, took the car and left for my sister and staid one night there.

I have been in therapy, yes, just finished actually... .I felt the therapist wasn´t that skilled in BPD, so I didn´t get so much help from her. (I was for 1,5 in therapy with her before I met my husband because of a burn out, it was very good)

I have a very old friend, we actually almost lost contact after I met my husband. I have now left 2 good friends that I can at least speak to about everything. He hates when I meet my friends, so we don´t see each other that much anymore. I have another problem: I have burn out symptoms, I had a big burn out 2013, and is very weak and with bad health nowadays. ( I have some lung/throat problems, the doctors can´t find the reason) I am quite sure that the tensions and fights with my husband creates many of my symptoms. I try to do my best to recover, but it goes very slowly. So for example, often I feel to weak to start a fight because I want to meet my friends or do something else  on my own.

Yes, I am very ready! I need to do something to keep me sane and healthy! Sorry for long answer! I am so thankful!

[formflier]

 

A very tough situation to write about.  But I want to commend you for good detail in there.  I think there is usable information that I an others can work with to show you a different way, a way that would be more emotionally healthy for both of you.

Listen, like it or not you are the emotionally stronger one here.  That means that you need to get "winning" out of your head and start thinking about "wisdom".

Is there any point in continuing and argument/discussion, when he starts to say outlandish and abusive things?

What good could come of it?

What were you hoping to accomplish?

Tell me more about things he does or says to "start an argument"?

I've got more to say, but want you to think on the questions, especially about how he starts and argument?

FF

[Sanna]

A very tough situation to write about.  But I want to commend you for good detail in there.  I think there is usable information that I an others can work with to show you a different way... a way that would be more emotionally healthy for both of you.

Listen... .like it or not you are the emotionally stronger one here.  That means that you need to get "winning" out of your head and start thinking about "wisdom".

Is there any point in continuing and argument/discussion, when he starts to say outlandish and abusive things?

What good could come of it?

What were you hoping to accomplish?

Tell me more about things he does or says to "start an argument"?

I've got more to say... .but want you to think on the questions, especially about how he starts and argument?

FF

No, it is not! I agree, totally... .just this time I lost it! I have successfully tried the things from my BPD-books, sometimes I just shut up and let him go on, and everything fades out eventually, and he gets "normal" again. Or I calmly say "I don´t agree". Before I tried to "win" all the time, our fights were ridiculous! "yes-no-yes-no" for hours. So I did a mistake, and now I can´t really handle  the fact that he was violent.

The thing is he doesn´t like arguments! He can´t talk about his feelings, or himself, he hates it.He can have monologues where he spits out his hate about something or someone, but he wants to speak unchallenged and just wants me to agree and obey him.So it is usually me, I guess.  When he is giving me orders, or just decide things for us ("we are going home now, pack your things" and stuff like that) I usually gets mad and start to question him.

Also  when he says degrading things about me or/and my family/friends, or when he is totally unfair (I know better now not to use the world "fair" or "unfair" but it is HARD)

Or when he is silent/avoids me with a hostile look on his face and/or starts to say that I am wrong, he will leave, all the stuff he said above... .sometimes he just falls in to dark holes, and then he hates everyone around him. (which means me, as he doesn´t have one single friend here) Gaaah, oh God, why did you send this complicated man in my way? :/

[formflier]

No, it is not! I agree, totally, just this time I lost it!

Good, owning your part in the dynamic.  Is it "his fault" that you lost it? 

sometimes I just shut up and let him go on

FF challenge #1.  Words mean things,   Help me understand how you "let him" do anything.  Does he need your permission?  More important, do you need permission from him to do emotionally healthy things or to otherwise make choices.

, and everything fades out eventually, and he gets "normal" again.

I have seen this in my r/s.  Frustrating because they act like it never happened.  How do you process this internally?  How do you feel about these things?

Or I calmly say "I don´t agree".

Does he ask you if you agree or not?  Do you ask him if he is looking for a listener or if he is asking a question?

Here are some FF educated guesses.  My guess is that if you can focus on times when you said that you don't agree and "hushed".  Things would be good.

If you listened and asked open ended questions about his emotions things would be better.

If you were able to find a validation target and validate it, that would be best.

I try to stay away from right and wrong and focus on "good, better, best"

Before I tried to "win" all the time, our fights were ridiculous! "yes-no-yes-no" for hours. So I did a mistake, and now I can´t really handle  the fact that he was violent.

Tell me more about "not handling it"

Your mistake does NOT make you responsible for his actions.

It is equally important to understand that your "mistake" does contribute to the dynamic.

Responsible and contributing are two very different things.  How do you process what I just said?

The thing is he doesn´t like arguments!

Substitute "get something from an argument".  He definitely is "feeding" an unhealthy desire by doing this.  He may not "like" it, but he does "go after" it.

We (the nons) need to identify places where we have been "feeding the monster"  and stop feeding. 

How do you process what I just said?

He can´t talk about his feelings, or himself, he hates it.He can have monologues where he spits out his hate about something or someone, but he wants to speak unchallenged and just wants me to agree and obey him.So it is usually me, I guess.  When he is giving me orders, or just decide things for us ("we are going home now, pack your things" and stuff like that) I usually gets mad and start to question him.

He can have all the monologues he wants.  Stop listening.  Stop questioning him.  My guess is that you use the word "why".  Get that out of your vocabulary.  Get rid of "questioning".

Focus on understanding.

"What you just said seems very important to you.  Can you help me understand that more?"

How does the above statement strike you?  How do you think your SO would take that?

Also  when he says degrading things about me or/and my family/friends, or when he is totally unfair (I know better now not to use the world "fair" or "unfair" but it is HARD)

Let him say what he wants.  You focus on what you listen to.

Or when he is silent/avoids me with a hostile look on his face and/or starts to say that I am wrong, he will leave, all the stuff he said above, sometimes he just falls in to dark holes, and then he hates everyone around him. (which means me, as he doesn´t have one single friend here) Gaaah, oh God, why did you send this complicated man in my way? :/

OK, listen this is a secular forum.  So if you don't want to discuss God and other matters, that is fine.  Just tell me to hush and I won't be offended at all.

Romans 8:28 says: 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.

There is no doubt in my mind that God brought this man into your life for your good.  Relationships are used to mature us.  It is a process that will go on our entire lives.

Note: I'm a conservative Christian guy.  I'm good with continuing religious discussion or if you don't want to, I'm fine with that as well. 

FF

[Sanna]

No, it is not! I agree, totally... .just this time I lost it!

" Good... owning your part in the dynamic.  Is it "his fault" that you lost it? " No, theoretically it is not. But emotionally: YES!  . No, seriously, I understand that I am not flawless and he that he is totally bad.

sometimes I just shut up and let him go on

" FF challenge #1.  Words mean things... .  Help me understand how you "let him" do anything.  Does he need your permission?  More important, do you need permission from him to do emotionally healthy things or to otherwise make choices." No, hahaha! He doesn´t need my permission at all, he is VERY dominating and macho.I don´t really need his permission per se, but if he does´nt like things that I do, I have to discuss and argue about it for ages, and mostly he starts his "I am wrong for him" routine. Like: going to yoga (it is when he is at work, so he is not affected, but he just doesnt like it.) Seeing my few friends I have left. Babysitting my grandchild. Take a walk.

, and everything fades out eventually, and he gets "normal" again.

" I have seen this in my r/s.  Frustrating because they act like it never happened.  How do you process this internally?  How do you feel about these things? "  Yes, I know! At the moment I boil inside, but afterwards it feels good. Everything that makes him happy...

Or I calmly say "I don´t agree".

Does he ask you if you agree or not?  Do you ask him if he is looking for a listener or if he is asking a question?

Here are some FF educated guesses.  My guess is that if you can focus on times when you said that you don't agree and "hushed".  Things would be good.

If you listened and asked open ended questions about his emotions things would be better.

If you were able to find a validation target and validate it, that would be best.

I try to stay away from right and wrong and focus on "good, better, best" OK!

Before I tried to "win" all the time, our fights were ridiculous! "yes-no-yes-no" for hours. So I did a mistake, and now I can´t really handle  the fact that he was violent.

"Tell me more about "not handling it"" I feel very unbalanced, I am asking myself all the time if I should leave him. And how. I am nervous around him, I get stomach cramp when he is not pleased with something... .feeling scared

Your mistake does NOT make you responsible for his actions.

It is equally important to understand that your "mistake" does contribute to the dynamic.

Responsible and contributing are two very different things.  How do you process what I just said? It makes sense

The thing is he doesn´t like arguments!

Substitute "get something from an argument".  He definitely is "feeding" an unhealthy desire by doing this.  He may not "like" it, but he does "go after" it.

We (the nons) need to identify places where we have been "feeding the monster"  and stop feeding. 

How do you process what I just said? Yes, I would love to stop feeding it! Because it is eating me!

He can´t talk about his feelings, or himself, he hates it.He can have monologues where he spits out his hate about something or someone, but he wants to speak unchallenged and just wants me to agree and obey him.So it is usually me, I guess.  When he is giving me orders, or just decide things for us ("we are going home now, pack your things" and stuff like that) I usually gets mad and start to question him.

He can have all the monologues he wants.  Stop listening.  Stop questioning him.  My guess is that you use the word "why".  Get that out of your vocabulary.  Get rid of "questioning".

Focus on understanding.

"What you just said seems very important to you.  Can you help me understand that more?"

How does the above statement strike you?  How do you think your SO would take that?  He would probably say: "stop acting like you are my mother or therapist".

Also  when he says degrading things about me or/and my family/friends, or when he is totally unfair (I know better now not to use the world "fair" or "unfair" but it is HARD)

Let him say what he wants.  You focus on what you listen to.

Or when he is silent/avoids me with a hostile look on his face and/or starts to say that I am wrong, he will leave, all the stuff he said above... .sometimes he just falls in to dark holes, and then he hates everyone around him. (which means me, as he doesn´t have one single friend here) Gaaah, oh God, why did you send this complicated man in my way? :/

" OK, listen this is a secular forum.  So if you don't want to discuss God and other matters, that is fine.  Just tell me to hush and I won't be offended at all.

Romans 8:28 says: 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.

There is no doubt in my mind that God brought this man into your life for your good.  Relationships are used to mature us.  It is a process that will go on our entire lives.

Note: I'm a conservative Christian guy.  I'm good with continuing religious discussion or if you don't want to, I'm fine with that as well. "

Thank you, I am so thankful that you are listening to me, and give me so much feedback! Unbelievable! 



FF