Not splitted black and it makes me hard to detach

[blackbirdsong]

Today I just realized that one of the 'problems' is that I have not been painted black by her.

It may sound ridiculous but this actually makes detachment harder for me.

The devaluation phase definitely started in our r/s. The relationship wasn't that long (few months) but it was extremely intensive, we spent almost every day together (except working hours ofc). But the fact is that I was not painted black completely. And considering the fact that she mentioned briefly something about BPD (but doesn't accept this as formal diagnose) I managed to realize what is happening. I already started developing anxiety and depression symptoms so I left. But god knows that it wasn't an easy decision (I am here, right?)

When I left, she did try to convince me to stay, hardly but not so extreme like many of stories here. Even that surprised me because she is very 'proudish'.  

Even when I broke the NC to have the closure talk (after I was in therapy) she wanted to continue the r/s and I went NC again because it was too hard to communicate with her because she was always taking the conversation on intimate level.

Last week I saw her again after few months and she was very happy to see me. Even send me a text saying how happy she was and that she will always be there for me if I need something.

So, all these facts make me harder to detach. It is like I cannot make my decision by myself. Like I need to have her permission to detach. Lack of integrity? Probably.

I made a decision to move on, and I can see a good reasons to do this but I just' cannot stand'   the fact that there is someone who shows great affection for me and I don't accept that. Why my decision needs to be under the influence whether she wants to continue the r/s or not? Or whether she like me still or not?

Something in me longs for that affection and that keeps me attached, I want to experience it again... .It is really like an addiction.

It is like I am lonely deep inside and I just want that love feeling that she talks about, even tough deep inside I also know that this is probably platonic.  

Her sweet words are tempting because they offer something that I want... .

So, I suppose I need to learn how to resolve this 'love craving' feeling, to suppress it by providing myself a loving feeling so that I can learn not to accept it from any person but from the persons that are healthy for me?

[Hadlee]

I can understand that.  It's really hard to detach when they are 'nice'.  I haven't been painted the blackest of blacks, which did make it difficult to move on.

Now, I can only assume I'm black as there is complete silence from both my ex and former friend.  Apart from a suspect Facebook friend request from a fake account recently, I've heard nothing.  And it's REALLY helping me.  I am thoroughly enjoying the peace and serenity

Something in me longs for that affection and that keeps me attached, I want to experience it again... .It is really like an addiction.

Many on this board feel the same way... .it is just like an addiction.  It takes time to recover from these relationships.  Healing is a process.  Be kind to yourself   

[GreenEyedMonster]

I had this experience with my first ex -- not the one I post about here.

We were together for over a decade and he was my "safe space" for all those years, the person who would comfort me and make me feel safe.  He was, however, emotionally checked out of the relationship for a long time.

We have been broken up for two years and we recently got together in the city where we used to live to see if we could patch things up.  He spent hundreds of dollars on the trip.  When we had spent less than 48 hours together, he had already told me that he didn't want to move back to my home state, wanted to move to California for fun (deal breaker for me), wanted to be with someone who fit in better with his friends, etc.  I wondered . . . why do you spend hundreds of dollars on a trip to see someone when you already know all those things?

Then yesterday he started talking to me on FB and said that those were "incomplete thoughts" that he shouldn't have said aloud.  Stuff like that drives me nuts.  I am trying to move on with my life and all I get is ripped around.  I am finally reaching the point where I'm trying to find my own closure in the situation, but after being friends for almost 20 years and together for almost 13, it's really hard to quit that drug, too.