Reflection on sexuality

[disorderedsociety]

So I met my ex at a time in my life where I wasn't in a very good spot and neither was she. She lived with her abusive mother and so did I. We were together 3 years. I remember telling her one day that I was gay. I don't remember why I told her this, but eventually we broke up because she always felt like I didn't really want to be with her. We eventually stopped having sex. I blamed the environment we lived in (her mom) but after leaving and seeing her thriving and happy with the guy I basically hooked her up with after we broke up, I've really started to look at myself and my role, and realize there may be more to the sexuality thing than just trying to avoid intimacy or commitment. With how much pain this breakup caused me, I can't look at it and say I felt nothing for her, but I don't think we were compatible. Maybe its because she's a woman, and I'd be happier with another man.

Now I know some people will say, oh no, don't be so hard on yourself but it really makes more sense. I even dated a guy for a while but found I couldn't/didn't want to have sex sober which leads me to believe there's this madonna/whore complex going on with me, maybe even split between male and female. I hooked up with a female friend recently and was sober, but didn't really enjoy it a whole lot.

At this point I just don't know anything, but I feel like my ex has made a good recovery and I'm kind of stuck.

[steelwork]

Can't really speak to the sexuality part. Me and ex did fine in that department. But I do understand what you mean about seeing him (apparently) happy with my replacement and wondering, "Was I the problem all along?" I think that's pretty common.

I get confused going back and forth trying to remember all the messed up stuff he did at the end of the r/s, all the red flags I ignored, how sh*tty he made me feel and how completely he changed when he got with someone else--you know, itemizing all the reasons it's HIM not ME that was the problem--but really that's all kind of a game.

We can both be the problem, you know? The point is that there's nothing for me to yearn for or wish I could fix. It's just over, and he was no good for me. If I'm not happy now, that's something I have to tackle like it's year zero.

So I guess I'd say: if you think you might be gay, there's no doubt something to it. Sounds like your future happiness depends on discovering what it is.

[Hadlee]

I agree with steelwork, it is common to wonder if it was us instead of them once they move onto the next relationship.  I've been out for 18 months.  Within that time my ex got married and had a baby.  From the outside (apparently) all looks like sunshine and roses for him.

Take the time to look within and be true to yourself.  Good luck

[disorderedsociety]

Can't really speak to the sexuality part. Me and ex did fine in that department. But I do understand what you mean about seeing him (apparently) happy with my replacement and wondering, "Was I the problem all along?" I think that's pretty common.

I get confused going back and forth trying to remember all the messed up stuff he did at the end of the r/s, all the red flags I ignored, how sh*tty he made me feel and how completely he changed when he got with someone else--you know, itemizing all the reasons it's HIM not ME that was the problem--but really that's all kind of a game.

We can both be the problem, you know? The point is that there's nothing for me to yearn for or wish I could fix. It's just over, and he was no good for me. If I'm not happy now, that's something I have to tackle like it's year zero.

So I guess I'd say: if you think you might be gay, there's no doubt something to it. Sounds like your future happiness depends on discovering what it is.

The difficult part is discerning the difference between a thought triggered by loneliness and pain and something legitimate. I don't care what I turn out to be, really. Either way I think I'm cool   but I'm starting to see that life has no clear cut answers. Medication doesn't seem to help much. I've tried antipsychotics and SSRIs and it just makes me falsely ok.

@busy how is your recovery going? I see we're on a similar timeline, and my ex had a kid with the rp

[Hadlee]

@busy how is your recovery going? I see we're on a similar timeline, and my ex had a kid with the rp

I'm doing really well.  NC has been the key to that

[steelwork]

The difficult part is discerning the difference between a thought triggered by loneliness and pain and something legitimate. I don't care what I turn out to be, really. Either way I think I'm cool   but I'm starting to see that life has no clear cut answers. Medication doesn't seem to help much. I've tried antipsychotics and SSRIs and it just makes me falsely ok.

@busy how is your recovery going? I see we're on a similar timeline, and my ex had a kid with the rp

I'm also about 18 months out. I suspect my ex is engaged, and my replacement is 16 years younger than him, and I imagine she'll want a baby sooner rather than later. Who knows--maybe she's already pregnant.

Anyhow, disorderedsociety, these relationships have a way of breaking you open and causing you to reexamine everything. That's the "gift" part.

[WoundedBibi]

So I met my ex at a time in my life where I wasn't in a very good spot and neither was she. She lived with her abusive mother and so did I. We were together 3 years. I remember telling her one day that I was gay. I don't remember why I told her this, but eventually we broke up because she always felt like I didn't really want to be with her. We eventually stopped having sex. I blamed the environment we lived in (her mom) but after leaving and seeing her thriving and happy with the guy I basically hooked her up with after we broke up, I've really started to look at myself and my role, and realize there may be more to the sexuality thing than just trying to avoid intimacy or commitment. With how much pain this breakup caused me, I can't look at it and say I felt nothing for her, but I don't think we were compatible. Maybe its because she's a woman, and I'd be happier with another man.

Now I know some people will say, oh no, don't be so hard on yourself but it really makes more sense. I even dated a guy for a while but found I couldn't/didn't want to have sex sober which leads me to believe there's this madonna/whore complex going on with me, maybe even split between male and female. I hooked up with a female friend recently and was sober, but didn't really enjoy it a whole lot.

At this point I just don't know anything, but I feel like my ex has made a good recovery and I'm kind of stuck.

What if you completely let go of the sexuality question for now and just focus on healing from having been in this relationship, having been in the abusive environment and whatever else went on in your life before (and why) you got together with your ex.

Perhaps the BPD traits of your ex, which include lack of identity and confusion about sexual orientation, have rubbed off on you (very normal certainly after 3 years) so you are now confused if you are straight, gay or bi.

If you focus on getting rid of all the other things bothering you perhaps the orientation question will sort itself out.

[goateeki]

"that's something I have to tackle like it's year zero... ." <-- Nice expression, made me smile.

[disorderedsociety]

So I met my ex at a time in my life where I wasn't in a very good spot and neither was she. She lived with her abusive mother and so did I. We were together 3 years. I remember telling her one day that I was gay. I don't remember why I told her this, but eventually we broke up because she always felt like I didn't really want to be with her. We eventually stopped having sex. I blamed the environment we lived in (her mom) but after leaving and seeing her thriving and happy with the guy I basically hooked her up with after we broke up, I've really started to look at myself and my role, and realize there may be more to the sexuality thing than just trying to avoid intimacy or commitment. With how much pain this breakup caused me, I can't look at it and say I felt nothing for her, but I don't think we were compatible. Maybe its because she's a woman, and I'd be happier with another man.

Now I know some people will say, oh no, don't be so hard on yourself but it really makes more sense. I even dated a guy for a while but found I couldn't/didn't want to have sex sober which leads me to believe there's this madonna/whore complex going on with me, maybe even split between male and female. I hooked up with a female friend recently and was sober, but didn't really enjoy it a whole lot.

At this point I just don't know anything, but I feel like my ex has made a good recovery and I'm kind of stuck.

What if you completely let go of the sexuality question for now and just focus on healing from having been in this relationship, having been in the abusive environment and whatever else went on in your life before (and why) you got together with your ex.

Perhaps the BPD traits of your ex, which include lack of identity and confusion about sexual orientation, have rubbed off on you (very normal certainly after 3 years) so you are now confused if you are straight, gay or bi.

If you focus on getting rid of all the other things bothering you perhaps the orientation question will sort itself out.

Hmm... .Well she did mention having an "internet girlfriend" in stories of the past. I can see how those things can rub off especially when you lose who you are in a relationship, with the enmeshment and all. Nothing was ever certain.

[WoundedBibi]

So I met my ex at a time in my life where I wasn't in a very good spot and neither was she. She lived with her abusive mother and so did I. We were together 3 years. I remember telling her one day that I was gay. I don't remember why I told her this, but eventually we broke up because she always felt like I didn't really want to be with her. We eventually stopped having sex. I blamed the environment we lived in (her mom) but after leaving and seeing her thriving and happy with the guy I basically hooked her up with after we broke up, I've really started to look at myself and my role, and realize there may be more to the sexuality thing than just trying to avoid intimacy or commitment. With how much pain this breakup caused me, I can't look at it and say I felt nothing for her, but I don't think we were compatible. Maybe its because she's a woman, and I'd be happier with another man.

Now I know some people will say, oh no, don't be so hard on yourself but it really makes more sense. I even dated a guy for a while but found I couldn't/didn't want to have sex sober which leads me to believe there's this madonna/whore complex going on with me, maybe even split between male and female. I hooked up with a female friend recently and was sober, but didn't really enjoy it a whole lot.

At this point I just don't know anything, but I feel like my ex has made a good recovery and I'm kind of stuck.

What if you completely let go of the sexuality question for now and just focus on healing from having been in this relationship, having been in the abusive environment and whatever else went on in your life before (and why) you got together with your ex.

Perhaps the BPD traits of your ex, which include lack of identity and confusion about sexual orientation, have rubbed off on you (very normal certainly after 3 years) so you are now confused if you are straight, gay or bi.

If you focus on getting rid of all the other things bothering you perhaps the orientation question will sort itself out.

Hmm... .Well she did mention having an "internet girlfriend" in stories of the past. I can see how those things can rub off especially when you lose who you are in a relationship, with the enmeshment and all. Nothing was ever certain.

Not even literally transferred subject by subject. That you don't know your preference now because she had an internet girlfriend. Just that you got 'infected' with BPD traits by being with your ex. And the way the BPD traits manifest themselves with you is not knowing anymore what your sexual preference is or perhaps even not finding sex enjoyable anymore. Both are common with pwBPD.

So if you could heal from the relationship, and the 'fleas' as what the transfer of traits is called, the wounds from why you got into the relationship then maybe you will no longer doubt your sexuality.

[vortex of confusion]

I have only read the first post. My first thought about this is that sexuality can be more fluid that some people like to claim. There is bisexual, homosexual, heterosexual, asexual, pansexual, and a few others. There are some great lists that you can find on the internet that encompass more distinctions than the three that are usually discussed when talking about sexuality.

Some people are not really attracted to a specific gender and are focused on the connection. If you did not have a connection with either of the people in question, then that might explain why sex was not satisfying to you. If your ex had BPD or BPD traits, it is quite likely that there was a failure to connect. It doesn't matter what your orientation is. My stbx thought he was bisexual. I often wondered if he was gay and needed to be with a man instead of me. He had a few bisexual encounters and would tell me afterwards, "Nope, I am not bisexual. I am straight."

I am wondering how old you are and/or how many serious relationships you have been in. It is really difficult to explain the difference between sex that happens when two people have trust and a connection and feel secure in the relationship versus sex that is more casual. That isn't the case for everyone. Some people are incapable of having casual sex and enjoying it.

I think there are a lot of factors that you might want to take into consideration before assuming anything about your sexuality or your level of fault.

[disorderedsociety]

I have only read the first post. My first thought about this is that sexuality can be more fluid that some people like to claim. There is bisexual, homosexual, heterosexual, asexual, pansexual, and a few others. There are some great lists that you can find on the internet that encompass more distinctions than the three that are usually discussed when talking about sexuality.

Some people are not really attracted to a specific gender and are focused on the connection. If you did not have a connection with either of the people in question, then that might explain why sex was not satisfying to you. If your ex had BPD or BPD traits, it is quite likely that there was a failure to connect. It doesn't matter what your orientation is. My stbx thought he was bisexual. I often wondered if he was gay and needed to be with a man instead of me. He had a few bisexual encounters and would tell me afterwards, "Nope, I am not bisexual. I am straight."

I am wondering how old you are and/or how many serious relationships you have been in. It is really difficult to explain the difference between sex that happens when two people have trust and a connection and feel secure in the relationship versus sex that is more casual. That isn't the case for everyone. Some people are incapable of having casual sex and enjoying it.

I think there are a lot of factors that you might want to take into consideration before assuming anything about your sexuality or your level of fault.

Well, early 20s. I draw conclusions based on things people say or their speech toward me to affirm what I want to think, but I could be using it as a coping mechanism for perceived loss - with her so happy it seems. She looks like she's lost weight since her last kid and after moving out of her abusive family home with the new husband, so the line of thinking is it must be because I was gay and didn't connect with her / love her, and maybe she didn't have BPD and what she struggled with all those years was just stress, maybe moving her out would've helped etc. You see where this leads... .

I've had 2 serious relationships besides this one, and many shorter ones such as in high school. One after the ex was with a guy for about 3-4 months but I didn't want to have sex with him... .I felt like I would've been 'homoromantic' and a therapist thinks I just look for male bonding to compensate for childhood.

Part of me looks at all this and wants to say its really kind of dumb to be so concerned about this, what they're doing, being alone forever, etc because I'm still young. My ex was only 2 years older so to look at them as the perfect couple now seems pretty irrational. Its almost like an even more twisted form of stockholm where after someone does wrong, I look up to them in some sick way

[GoingBack2OC]

I can only say that I agree with many of the comments here, that sexuallity in general is a tough subject to really wrap your head around. Secondly, it evolves as we age. And as a couple, who are together for a long period of time, that evolution of each person's sexuality can change- in directions that are no longer compatible with one another.

Im in my mid-30s. I've only had sex with a half dozen women. Perhaps not a lot by today's standards, but I was never really a "player". I have had 3 serious, committed, monogamous relationships. I've never cheated. So with 3 long term (3-5 years) relationships, it didn't leave room for a lot of sleeping around.

I think our sexuality, in terms of preference thereof, shifts, on a multitude of timelines. Time of Day, Day of the Week, Month by Month, Year after Year.

So perhaps today I feel like watching porn, with asian chicks, or girl on girl, or maybe hot white girl with a guy,  (no offense meant to be made here by any means- just an example - and only using pornography because it is easy to be able to adjust and meet your preference with the click of a button).

But the next day, I'm not in the mood at all. Years later, I've developed new tastes completely, you get the idea.

I can say this; 3 long term relationships; 6 girls that I've been with; only the last, my BPD ex, was the one where I personally, really opened up, felt comfortable in my own skin, and really enjoyed making love.

I loved it with the other 2 long term girlfriends, but I never felt 100% comfortable in the sense of "risk" - getting her pregnant, etc. With the last, I just felt "it felt right".

So it took me a long time (age 31ish) to get to that place of feeling like "I really like this and am ok with just this moving forward".

Of course years into it-- wow she turned out to be nothing like what I thought. Red flags ignored, big mistake.

But moving forward, I think I personally, despite the past relationship tearing me apart, have developed a better understanding of what I really want, and need to look for considering that aspect of any future relationships I have.

You're young. In your 20s. Your tastes will evolve, and experiences you have will shape those tastes in what you end up deciding on in terms of "the long haul"- if you ever settle down.

Considering your age; my advice would be to do what feels right to you. Allow yourself to have experiences, and to be honest with yourself. Don't do things that make you feel uncomfortable. Do what feels right. Be good to people. And be good to yourself.

In doing that, you'll find yourself.

[Grey Kitty]

At this point I just don't know anything, but I feel like my ex has made a good recovery and I'm kind of stuck.

When you are able to separate your issues from your ex's issues you will get a lot more traction on them. It sounds like you are still hurting about how this r/s ended.

And you aren't quite sure about your orientation. I'm not really an expert there... .but most people seem to find that their orientation gets pretty stable when they find some peace with it.

That said, there are many variations. People who mostly prefer one gender. People who only are interested in one gender. People who only form romantic relationships with one gender but like to have sex with the other occasionally. You don't have to force yourself into any particular box.

(As GoingBack2OC pointed out... .your fantasies or what kind of porn you like is a good starting point to figure out more about what is likely to work for you with a partner... .especially if there is a big gap between it and your experiences.)

dated a guy for a while but found I couldn't/didn't want to have sex sober which leads me to believe there's this madonna/whore complex going on with me, maybe even split between male and female. I hooked up with a female friend recently and was sober, but didn't really enjoy it a whole lot.

That makes me wonder what you weren't enjoying or weren't comfortable with in these situations... .besides the simple possibility that you just weren't that into those two people.

Did you have a happy or good sex life with any prior relationships to your ex? Or have some really fantastic/fun sex that wasn't a relationship?

Did you ever experience sexual trauma or abuse?