Enough about the negatives. What have you gained from this?

[Ahoy]

I think a positive post is in order!

I've been dwelling on the negatives so much lately, I decided to write down a list of positives things I have gained/learned from my 3 1/2 years with my ex. Most of this learning was done post-separation.

I think it's important we pause and appreciate that as horrible as this experience is/has been for all of us, there is a silver lining. These are mine:

-I have gained an immense amount of emotional maturity

-I have learned about boundaries and the importance of maintaining them

-I have learned a great deal about mental health and personality disorders. I feel confident I can spot them more easily in the future

-I realise I am a co-dependent/rescurer type which may have originated from my FOO. I am working on this in therapy now

-I have learned what a healty relationship and real love consists of

-I have not had a child to this woman. I may be set back years (financially) in the divorce but I am still young. I will bounce back

-My trust in others has still survived this ordeal, but I am less naive

-I have learned of the dangers of unconditional love

-What was my fault in the relationship, was not as drastic as originally thought and a lot of my actions were a byproduct of subtle abuse (cause/effect). I am aware of the genuine mistakes I have made and will learn from then for future relationships.

-Most importantly I have learned that I am indeed a good person with strong family oriented values that WILL result in me finding a loving partner.


So thank you (Name) for teaching me these valuable lessons. I wish I could have learned them and still been your husband but the nature of your disorder won't let that happen.

What did you guys learn from all of this (keep it positive!)

[balletomane]

I've learnt more about the amount of pain I can cope with. Before this I didn't know my own strength.

My ability to trust people was shattered, but in slowly picking up the pieces and trying to repair it, I have discovered how good and kindhearted my friends actually are. No, they are not perfect people, but they have all stood by me and given comfort in their own way and I am grateful.

I've rediscovered and repaired friendships that the relationship damaged. My ex ate up everything - my time, my attention - and I had so little left to spare for other friends. He was also hostile to many of my friends and would get angry at me for keeping them around when he'd decided they were horrible. I didn't realise how out of balance my life had become. It was all about him. Now I'm remembering what a diverse, colourful, interesting, and lovely bunch of people I actually know.

I am more confident in myself and in asserting my boundaries now. I will say no and I won't let someone do whatever the heck they like, without complaint, out of a misguided desire to be patient.

[ArleighBurke]

I have grown up emotionally. I was co-dependant for 15yrs of marriage. I probably still am - but soo  much less than before.

I can relate to my kids much better now - in learning to validate my wife, I have learnt to listen to and validate my children.

I accept myself as i am. I don't JADE to my wife - or to anyone else. I am comfortable that they can have whatever opinion of me they want - that doesn't change who i am.

I am stronger, more self assured, more at peace internally.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I have learned that I am a codependent person. I'm reading books about codependency and finding the causes or trying to find the roots of it. After reading I know that the roots of my codependency were seeded by my mother . She beat us as kids as punishment when we were wrong . She beat us with anything in her reach until we bled . Until today I haven't heard her say to me that she loves me . She never has. I think she will die without telling us she loves us .

When I grew older ( I was around 12 ) I used to run away from her because I couldn't take her beatings anymore . I used to leave for 3 or 4 days and comeback when I thought she was not angry anymore . When I got back home she pretended she was not mad and when we got close to her she grabbed us or cornered us to beat us . This was her way of punishing us to be good in society , to become somebody in life.

I never felt the love of a mother that I remember . She was brought up this was by her mother and was not taught any better .

All of this made me codependent . Made me seek validation from people . My ex gave me that warmth that loving warmth that I never had with my mother . I became so attached to my ex because of that . I didn't want to loose her validation.  I held on to her even after her dumping me 4 or 5 times . In the end I had to let her go because I was weak from not eating and not sleeping and all the arguments. Letting my ex go was the hardest decision of my life .

I am reading how to get rid of codependency .